Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hello there, My husband and I separated about 6 months ago. In the run up to Christmas he started calling and asking to come home. After a few conversations we decided to give it another go and he moved back in. During our time apart I had started to see a wonderful man and he also entered into a relationship with a bartender from a club in town. Obviously we both called time on our relationships to focus on each other. Not long ago I started getting a lot of annonymous phonecalls and hang-ups. Eventually she started leaving messages and if I answered she would say things like "if I were you I wouldnt take him back" and things along those lines. My husband and I are just ignoring her but the calls and hang-ups are continuing. I don't want to involve the police as I kind of feel sorry for her and I don't feel threatened or anything. I guess my question is - is this normal? Is she just hurt over the end of her relationship? I'm beginning to get really angry about it to be honest as she has no idea of the strength of our history and the lengths that we have gone to in order to be together. I mean, how dare she? Who does she think she is? The last time she spoke to me I pleaded with her not to hang up - that I just wanted to talk with her. But she hung up. I'm not jealous, I just want to help her understand that as a married man, he has made a decision to be with his wife and she should respect that. Should I just ignore it and hope she goes away - or should I make an effort to call her? Opinions appreciated. Mx
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 It sounds like she's not ready to give up - SO just keep on ignoring her for now...But what you could do if the calls continue BOTH you and your husband leave her a message or an email saying never to contact him again, it's over. And if she harrasses you both again, the Police will be involved and a restraining order will be put in place. Is she married or have a boyfriend as well? If so, you could let her know that her partner will be informed of her actions (calls etc.), that might make her stop. I really hope that your husband is telling you the truth and he isn't in contact with her anymore...
Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Is she married or have a boyfriend as well? If so, you could let her know that her partner will be informed of her actions (calls etc.), that might make her stop. I really hope that your husband is telling you the truth and he isn't in contact with her anymore... She is single (unfortunately). I wish she did have someone else to concentrate on. I really hope hubby is telling me the truth too - I often think about it. He has shown me messages that she has sent to him asking him to stay so I guess that counts for something - I just hope I'm getting the full picture. I guess I have to keep on ignoring her and keep on trusting him. He knows I will walk away at the drop of the hat so he's treading pretty carefully. He's offered to give me her name, number and place of work - but I refuse to enter into these stupid games. Bottom line - she's a hurt woman. She just needs to back off. Have any other OW reading this pulled similar stunts, or heard of something similar? Or have any men out there been in a situation similar to the one my husband now finds himself in? Love can make us all act crazy at times. Its how we all choose to deal with it that counts. Hell hath no fury and all that....
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Read HellenBack's thread and also in the infidelity section RomeoMustDie's thread. As long as your husband is trying and making effort, and showing how sorry he is, not only in words, but in actions, then I would give him a chance. I bet he regrets his affair, and wishes he didn't choose to cheat. Unfortunately for him, he now has to work hard to continue to gain your trust and faith in him...So far it sounds like he wants you and the marriage to work. As for the OW, if she continues to harrass you, definately don't be afraid to hit her with a restraining order... Good luck and keep posting.
Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 As for the OW, if she continues to harrass you, definately don't be afraid to hit her with a restraining order... ...or just hit her! Just jokes. I'm listening to the angel on my shoulder rather than the devil on the other who is whispering all kinds of nasty things. I'm no pushover and if it continues, I'll hit her with everything I have. Thanks for the advice and I'll surely do that reading. Peace x
herenow Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I recently took the advice of people here who said to ignore a call from the OW, and I'm glad I did. This is your marriage, she is not part of it. If you call her you bring her back into the mix. Ignore as long as you can and if it becomes too much, I would listen to whichwayisup.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I guess my question is - is this normal? No but it is typical. You are lucky all you get is the phone calls. That should stop soon as long as you don't engage her in conversation. Don't let cuiosity get the best of you. Just let her to wonder about you. The OW in my case prefered to go behind my back rather than risk direct confrentation with me. Still I want you to stay sharp and keep your eyes open at all times... cause ya never know.
ratingsguy Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 I've never been in your situation before, but if I woke up in your shoes, I'd ignore the phone calls. If they don't stop even after ignoring them, I'd change my phone number (yes it's a pain, but probably necessary at that point). And if THAT didn't stop her, that's when you get the authorities involved. Give her the benefit of the doubt at first (since we can all get a little crazy sometimes), but draw the line somewhere.
silktricks Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Those kind of calls went on for us for over a year. Finally my husband wrote the woman a letter telling her that under NO circumstances would he ever have contact with her again. That worked. (But we also changed our phone number and have been VERY careful with it.)
Guest Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 (But we also changed our phone number and have been VERY careful with it.) This is what my husband wants me to do but I refuse to do so - why should I change my number to suit a BOW (-wow). I don't want her to affect my life in the slightest. Anyhow, I've had no messages today but 3 missed calls from a withheld number (which I assume is her as it's out of the ordinary). I'm not going to acknowledge her but hubby is freaking out a little (so much so that I'm no longer telling him when I get the calls). This is between us girlies now. Grrrrr. If any OW out there reading this are pulling similar stunts - a word to the wise - don't assume silence is the sign of a weak response. Certain women will strike back harder, longer and nastier if this behaviour continues. Like a lioness we will protect. Peace x
Guest Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Hi again, So the woman called me again yesterday with far more threatening undertones. Something along the lines of me having to "watch my back". Again, it was a cowardly hang-up leaving me no option to try and talk with her. Now I'm P*ssed. Why couldn't she just leave well enough alone???? I have her place of work and name. As a barmaid, she's in for a big suprise. She's about to learn exactly who and what she's messing with. No police, no husband...just me. Mx
Ripples Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Have you thought about not answering the phone when it rings, but monitoring your calls with an answerphone? That way, she doesn't get the satisfaction of saying anything to you in person, you don't have to react to anything she says, immediately and lastly, you've got a recording of any threats she may make. I've had a similar experience, but the OW didn't say anything overtly nasty or threatening, she just told me that my partner was deeply in love with her.
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 First off...nobody has the right to harrass anyone...your H made his decision and that SHOULD be respected by the OW....in any case harrassment is wrong....
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Hi again, So the woman called me again yesterday with far more threatening undertones. Something along the lines of me having to "watch my back". Again, it was a cowardly hang-up leaving me no option to try and talk with her. Now I'm P*ssed. Why couldn't she just leave well enough alone???? I have her place of work and name. As a barmaid, she's in for a big suprise. She's about to learn exactly who and what she's messing with. No police, no husband...just me. Mx Did she leave a message...can you tape it? Call the police, she is a stalker
mopar crazy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 First, I'm sorry that you are dealing w/ all this from the xOW and that your H even strayed. I know how it feels, hurts like hell. Anyhow, my WH exOW also kept calling and even stopping by the house (we were seperated for 6 months) after he broke it off w/ her to work on our M. I was never there when she called or came over until one day. When she called I did answer, pissed as hell that I didn't tell her to stop calling immediately. She acted like she was just calling as a friend. It was about a co-worker. Long story short I let H talk to her while I stood there and waited for him to hang up. I wasn't going to start anything w/ her but about a minute after he hung I called her back. I told her NEVER to call again or there would be hell to pay (restraining order). She started talking about the co-worker again. I told her she is just using the co-worker as an excuse to call. Then she had the nerve to ask me why I was so mad at her when H started it all!!! WTF ever! I knew she was after my H years b4 the A and called her on it, she fell silent, didn't defend herself. After that she wished us a happy life together. I told her I had nothing to say to her and hung up. She never called again. H told me that she had been calling him in the past, even showed me on his cell. I looked at his cell bill (all calls are shown) and he never called her but she called him. If I was going to try to make our M work I had to start trying to trust him that he was still not seeing her. If you think it's her calling immediately say "IF YOU CALL HERE AGAIN I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER! LEAVE US ALONE!!!" If that doesn't stop her I would either file a restraining order or get a new #. GL, I hope this psycho stops calling you.
Reckless Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 First your husband has to step up to bat - he started it so he is responsible for finishing it - no matter how long it takes. HE (absolutely not you) should call her and tell her in no uncertain terms that if this continues he will call the police. Sounds to me the good advice given earlier that he should also send her (registered post) a letter clearly stating that the harrassement must stop is good in case she goes dangerously pyscho so you have a written record. Definitely filter your calls (answering machine - only pick up when you recognise the voice). Final measure - worse comes to worse change number and have it red listed. You shouldn't communicate with her or exchange words with her under any circumstances - it was not your affair.
mopar crazy Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Reckless, while I do agree w/ your advice about her WH telling her to stop calling what if she doesn't? My H told the exOW to stop calling and coming over also but she continued to do so. I know he wasn't lying. Three years after his A he has no reason to lie about telling her to stop. Maybe H's exOW never took him seriously about not calling...I don't know. I guess when she heard it from me she finally realized their R was over and she was going to let it go.
lost one Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I am in the same boat. The OW has called my home and just swears at me and hangs up. She sometimes calls my husband 60-70 times a day. He does not answer her calls. One day I decieded to call her back to talk to her but she just hung up, so i called her back every minute and hung up for one hour. When she finally decieded to talk I asked her if she enjoys the taste of her own medicine. The next day she changed her phone number and now only calls with a private number attached. When we see that we do not pick up the phone anymore and she is affraid to leave messages. The calls have slowed down now and I am hoping she gets the message that two can play at this game.
BUTAFLY Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 You should be focusing on your relationship and not what your husbands OW is doing. By being in her buisness your the one thats keeping her in you and your husbands life. if the phone calls are that bad change your # or block the number its coming from. focus on your marriage. BTW this thread should be in the RECONCILIATION &COPING FOURM. Good luck.
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 B, I think she was simply asking OW for their take on this. Plus she is just a soul looking for support, even if she isnt the OW. Whats the problem?
BUTAFLY Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 B, I think she was simply asking OW for their take on this. Plus she is just a soul looking for support, even if she isnt the OW. Whats the problem? and i gave it to her. Focus on the marriage. By feeding into her husbands ows tatics will only keep her in their lives. Plus ow on here can't read what is going on in this ladies head. My adviseis just ignore her, & if the phone ringing really up sets your that much turn the ringer off or change your phone number or block the number where its coming from. Case closed. I don't see the problem besides drama the wife is creating. JMO
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Right on. That is just common sense really. I'm guessing she has already thought of that and may not be possible because of work or something else. Maybe she just needed to vent. Sometimes its hard to change our lives, turn everything around and upside down to protect ourselves. The same problem when OW are in NC and xMM keeps calling them & disrupting their lives too. It's tough.
herenow Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 and i gave it to her. Focus on the marriage. By feeding into her husbands ows tatics will only keep her in their lives. Plus ow on here can't read what is going on in this ladies head. My adviseis just ignore her, & if the phone ringing really up sets your that much turn the ringer off or change your phone number or block the number where its coming from. Case closed. I don't see the problem besides drama the wife is creating. JMO OK, I'm confused. How is the wife creating drama? She came here to ask OW what to do about her H's OW. Who better to ask than another OW? I agree with your advice, but I wouldn't say that she is creating the drama.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 I guess her calling the OW and hanging up every minute is what she meant by creating drama. I call it standing up for yourself and showing how STUPID the OW was acting by calling 50+ times a day. Sorry, but anyone calling anybody that many times in one day has a screw loose.......
Romeo Must Die Posted January 24, 2007 Posted January 24, 2007 Well its kind of a catch-22. If she does/doesnt respond the calls they continue. If she sends her FWS after her he might flake out. Get skurred. If she makes it a police issue the stalking can and often does escalate. In all kinds of destructive ways. The harassers can block the call, or call from other numbers too. Its sad really.
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