AllMixedUp Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Hello everyone, just another newbie who stumbled in looking for some internet advice. Background: I met my girlfriend almost three years ago at college, and things have been great. We have our occasional arguments, but the make up is always the best. I really love this girl, she is exactly what I have been looking for, smart, funny, a blast to hang out with, great sex, and it’s always a pleasure to be in her company, never an obligation. We share so many hobbies and outlooks in life, and I am planning on asking her to marry me once I finish my Masters. Problem: Despite being such a great girlfriend, there's a small dilemma. In the past, I usually dated "hot" girls. They were very pretty, but that would wear off fast. I just seem to love beautiful women. My girlfriend is what you would consider "cute." She is very attractive, but not "hot," and I find myself still looking at other women, not to cheat (I can't stand infidelity, that's just me), but I sometimes feel guilty that if my girlfriend was "hot," I would fall completely for her. Advice Needed: So I guess I’m looking for some advice. I feel so shallow, and to be honest, I’m no looker myself, but then again, my past was filled with beautiful women, and I sometimes long for those trophy girls now and then. Should I try to shake this feeling, or would my shallowness be the doom of me when we get married in the future? I don’t want to lose her due to something as trivial as looks, but maybe it’s a valid issue? Please help a confused guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I think what you need to do is tell yourself that it is okay to look. It's only natural to look at beautiful people, and I have no doubt she does the same. You are still attracted to her somewhat though right? This, on top of all the other wonderful things you've mentioned should be enough for you. One is beautiful because you love them, you don't love them because they are beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 One is beautiful because you love them, you don't love them because they are beautiful. That's so true. Maybe you really need to "let" yourself fall for her? (Wow. Now I officially have absolutely no idea what I'm spouting, haha.) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 That's so true. Maybe you really need to "let" yourself fall for her? (Wow. Now I officially have absolutely no idea what I'm spouting, haha.) No, you've got it right.... ...let yourself fall for her completely and she'll be the hottest girl you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Get a handle on this one - you say you are planning on marrying her and from your own description I can see why. Reread what you wrote about her over and over again. Trust me, I was one of those "trophy girls" -- still am! ha! BUT it took me a long time to be able to be a healthy partner in a relationship because of it. I destroyed men I dated. You're going to give up a fantastic companion who is attractive because of wanting stellar looks that eventually fade anyway?!! You're smarter than that. Until you get over this hang up you shouldn't marry her either. How would you feel (you said you aren't The Ultimate either) if she left you because of your looks - or if she was having doubts about you and being with you because you don't look like <insert name here>? Link to post Share on other sites
Carbine Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 It is a valid issue, and a tough one. I seriously think you're downplaying the importance of physical appearance as part of the essential criteria for a partner. Reading in between the lines, it's obvious that having a 'hot' SO is high on your list of requirements. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean that you're shallow. You'd be no less shallow if you wanted a parnter with a good sense of humour. Or A partner who's intelligent, or whatever. So what's the real issue bothering you? The fact that you feel guilty about looking at other, more attractive girls and fantasising about what what it would be like to be with them? Or is really the niggling feeling that you're settling for second-best and are not completely convinced that she's 'the one'? Don't make a stupid mistake and persist with the relationship just because you're inwardly wrestling with the political correctness of your feelings. It's not the right time to be worrying about what other people think! For godsakes, it's time to be honest with yourself, admit what things are important to you when chosing a partner, and then live your life accordingly. Remember: it's not the people who accuse you of being shallow that have to live with your choices at the end of the day. It's you. One is beautiful because you love them, you don't love them because they are beautiful. I totally disagree. When you think abou it, 'love' is just a strong attachment or liking for something. Love for a person is no different or no more special than that. People naturally want to surround themselves with beautiful things, and it's much much easier to form a strong attachment and/or feelings of 'love' for something that is beautiful and easy on the eye. That's just common sense. It's the same principle that applies to attachment/love for a partner. It's just not logical to say that someone is beautiful because you love them. If you hate someone, does it make them ugly? No. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is the only factor in determining how much you love someone, but it is, without a doubt, one of the most important ones. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I totally disagree. When you think abou it, 'love' is just a strong attachment or liking for something. Love for a person is no different or no more special than that. People naturally want to surround themselves with beautiful things, and it's much much easier to form a strong attachment and/or feelings of 'love' for something that is beautiful and easy on the eye. That's just common sense. It's the same principle that applies to attachment/love for a partner. It's just not logical to say that someone is beautiful because you love them. If you hate someone, does it make them ugly? No. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is the only factor in determining how much you love someone, but it is, without a doubt, one of the most important ones. Ahhh...but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What I may think is beautiful, you may find ugly. When you are in love it of course does not change the physical characteristics of your partner (although sometimes a smile can do wonders), but it changes your perception. The less attractive qualities (when held up to some society standard) can be come endearing in your eyes, and you notice them less. At the same time you notice their good qualities so much that even first thing in the morning you see them. I would say that if you aren't attracted to your gf, that's a problem. And in my belief, if she was truely the one, then you wouldn't care about missing out on the other girls. Is it possible that she isn't as perfect as you'd like to make yourself think? Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 "Hot" doesn't last forever anyway.... in fact "cute" would probably last much longer. Regardless, it sounds too me this whole "not being attracted to her" thing is just a front, as you did mention she was "very attractive"... which of course implies you are! I think you are just making excuses too not be so totally wrapped up in this wonderful woman, and great relationship because you actually fear she may be the one... How old are you? Maybe you aren't emotionally ready yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 RE: Re-read what you wrote, AllMixedUp. Re-read it again. Then think about it. On close inspection, the results are: Since . . . (A) You created a thread. You took the time to write out your story -and make known of your problem. and (B) You provided one reason as to why you are fully unhappy in the relationship. Then in conclusion: You are insecure, and terminally uncertain of your feelings. This could manifest itself into complex and ugly issue(s), down the road. IF you were happily in-love with your girlfriend, not a single issue would sway your thoughts/vision. Sadly, men who are uncertain of their girlfriends end up in lousy self-provoked-unfulfilled relationships. Thus, moving it up a notch to marriage, complicates things. Choosing to marry a woman, knowing and keeping in tow the magnitude of your uncertainty, almost always drags the relationship into Dooms Town. Your girlfriend's beauty either turns you on or doesn't. Period. IF you dwell too much on this issue, it will ruin everything. Otherwise, IF you are confident in this is The One for you, then by all means, go ahead and marry her. Good Luck, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 One is beautiful because you love them, you don't love them because they are beautiful. Truer words were never spoken. I love this. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 "Hot" doesn't last forever anyway.... in fact "cute" would probably last much longer. Hmmm, I guess then I am set for life haha. Better to be cute forever than briefly hot. Besides, I think who the person is makes them much hotter than what they are. Link to post Share on other sites
cutegirl Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 You are still attracted to her somewhat though right? This, on top of all the other wonderful things you've mentioned should be enough for you. One is beautiful because you love them, you don't love them because they are beautiful. Different strokes for different folks. I am sure there are lots of superficial men out there who can truly fall in love based on looks alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzi Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Dude control yourself you already have a good thing and you said she is cute. Refrain from checking out other women, its not that hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Dude control yourself you already have a good thing and you said she is cute. Refrain from checking out other women, its not that hard. Not hard? Even I would find that hard! Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzi Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 lol well I dont think its that hard to do. Okay maybe ill take that back and say Look but dont touch AllMixedUp Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I don't get what you want. You say the women in your past are very pretty, but that wears off fast. So then you're on to another woman, until, I presume, her pretty wears off fast, too. So, now you're thinking you should trade in your cute gf whom you are attracted to for something that's way better than pretty, for some woman you haven't even met and whose pretty is likely to wear off fast? Guess you aren't really interested in a committed relationship, or that would seem stupid to you too. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hello everyone, just another newbie who stumbled in looking for some internet advice. Background: I met my girlfriend almost three years ago at college, and things have been great. We have our occasional arguments, but the make up is always the best. I really love this girl, she is exactly what I have been looking for, smart, funny, a blast to hang out with, great sex, and it’s always a pleasure to be in her company, never an obligation. We share so many hobbies and outlooks in life, and I am planning on asking her to marry me once I finish my Masters. Problem: Despite being such a great girlfriend, there's a small dilemma. In the past, I usually dated "hot" girls. They were very pretty, but that would wear off fast. I just seem to love beautiful women. My girlfriend is what you would consider "cute." She is very attractive, but not "hot," and I find myself still looking at other women, not to cheat (I can't stand infidelity, that's just me), but I sometimes feel guilty that if my girlfriend was "hot," I would fall completely for her. Advice Needed: So I guess I’m looking for some advice. I feel so shallow, and to be honest, I’m no looker myself, but then again, my past was filled with beautiful women, and I sometimes long for those trophy girls now and then. Should I try to shake this feeling, or would my shallowness be the doom of me when we get married in the future? I don’t want to lose her due to something as trivial as looks, but maybe it’s a valid issue? Please help a confused guy. Okay, so hot girls were in your past. Hot guys were in my past too. And I'm divorced twice. I'm now with a guy that most would not consider "hot" but I definitely consider him very hot. He's VERY hot in my eyes. He gives me everything that you described in your girl. And then some. It's all good! Decide if your girl is good enough for you to overcome the "hotness' issue. I already think she is. Link to post Share on other sites
cutegirl Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 If you have to think that hard about it I would have to say that I think it probably won't work out. You shouldn't have so many doubts already. I know looks are extremely important to most guys and if it's already such an issue for you now it's only going to get worse. It would be even worse if you got married to her and then cheated because you want to bang a really hot girl. I know some men will marry a woman with whom they have a lot in common and someone who they would want as the mother of their children but then have affairs on the side or sleep with prostitutes who can give them that extra "something" that they are secretly craving, whether that something be certain sexual acts or something "looks-wise". In your case that something is looks. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 hey man i feel you.. you know my girlfriend is gorgeous but i still look ta other girls occasionally its like a guy thing... man if you love her you look threw that shes not "hot" and love her for who she is and if she really wants to be with you and you wanna be with her propose and be with her forever... Follow what your heart is saying bro Link to post Share on other sites
soulseeker Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I dont get the whole "it's a guy thing" in reference to looking at members of the opposite sex. Women look at other men just as much as men look at other women. Are we that much more subtle about it than the men are? It's not like when you are in a relationship your eyes suddenly no longer work... Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Personally... I think in references to the OP's post... He didn't say the girl wasn't attractive to him, which tends to lead me to believe that he has been using "hot women" as a social crutch to gain social acceptance. Or rather male chest beating, man club acceptance, with ultra hottie than plain jane. Like buying the flashy car versus the cute, yet economical one. You buy one for outter status... you get the other because it helps to make your life easier/better on a more personal level. In my view.. if he wanted to get over this whole "hot" issue.. then stop caring what others think. Learn to be self-sufficent and value yourself as you are and not just for how others interpret you. On the other hand.. maybe with a bit of spiff and polish his gf could be "hot"? Maybe he could fork over tons of cash to get her the best hair stylist, make up, clothes, nails, etc.. Treat her to a spa package and new wardrobe. who knows.... maybe she'd like it too. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 --"Like buying the flashy car versus the cute, yet economical one. You buy one for outter status... you get the other because it helps to make your life easier/better on a more personal level"-- I agree.. --"In my view.. if he wanted to get over this whole "hot" issue.. then stop caring what others think. Learn to be self-sufficent and value yourself as you are and not just for how others interpret you"-- Again I think you hit the nail right on the head with this one as well!! Looking at the opisete sex when in a relashionship or single is not just a guy thing its a human thing. Now if you actualy take it one step further and cheat then yes you have a big prob and most likely are not ready for a steady relashionship.. Link to post Share on other sites
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