Being a Dumper is Hard Too! (A rant)

[notmakingsense]

I haven't started my own post in a while. I mostly have been trying to offer advice to others; advice that comes from 3 years of suffering with my latest ex, a marriage, and a half-dozen other serious long-ish term relationships.

 

Some of you may know my latest story... I was on-again, off-again with a woman who stole my heart. The off-periods were mostly inspired by her distancing from me whenever we would get close. You see, she is commitment-phobic -- maybe not in the classic sense, but she was commitment-phobic with me anyway. Even in our "on" periods, she kept me at a distance -- not inviting me to be a part of her social circle, nor involving me in family events (she's a single mom). She's also a bit of a Narcissist. She felt best in the relationship with me when things were easy for her. Her needs were always the priority, but whenever my needs came up, they were bothersome to her.

 

The last breakup happened at the end of November. This time, I did the breaking up because I became fed-up with the fact that she still wasn't making an effort to really make the relationship work. I kind-of snapped one day when she wasn't returning my calls because she had a girlfriend over, and it reminded me just how I was totally NOT a priority for her.

 

So, I ended it. Even though I have never loved a woman like her before, and I'm scared as hell that I will never find someone as compatible in terms of sexual chemistry, family values, goals/desires -- she just wasn't in to me enough.

 

Breaking up with her was not an easy thing for me to do! I'm a little bit co-dependant, and my self-esteem suffers far to often. For people like me, standing up for yourself in a relationship is a challenge! I mean, witness the fact that it has taken me 3 years of being treated like crap to finally pull the plug! And, at the time I broke up with her, I had already purchased a hugely-expensive engagement ring and was planning to pop-the question on our December anniversary date. What a freaking joke -- can you imagine that? Me buying a ring for someone who was walking all over me?

 

Here is what I need support on:

 

She isn't making it easy for me to stay the course. She called me XMas-eve to wish me a happy holiday. She called me Saturday night to tell me that she was thinking of me. We never talked about the relationship or the breakup, nor did either one of us suggest a meeting. She's even trying to make it obvious that she's doing well and having fun. I think that she's just letting me know that the door is open for me to approach her again.

 

I still think of her everyday, and the thought of being in a relationship with her -- a committed her -- is a vision that sometimes consumes me with want. Healing is hard! I have to keep reminding myself of how we got to where we are, and sticking to this break-up is one of the hardest things that I've ever done.

 

I suppose reconciliation is possible -- but I want some kind of sign that she admits her issues and really wants to work at something! Her calls don't give me that sign. All they are doing is letting me know that she's ok with ME working at it again. This is crap, right? Even though I'm the dumper, shouldn't SHE be the one that works at this now? Shouldn't SHE be the one that asks me for a meeting to talk through it all?

 

So -- anyway, I just wanted to rant a bit and let you know that being a dumper is no walk in the park -- especially if you are a dumper who was forced in to the role because of a bad situation.

 

Thanks for reading.

[CaliGuy]

She isn't making it easy for me to stay the course. She called me XMas-eve to wish me a happy holiday. She called me Saturday night to tell me that she was thinking of me. We never talked about the relationship or the breakup, nor did either one of us suggest a meeting. She's even trying to make it obvious that she's doing well and having fun. I think that she's just letting me know that the door is open for me to approach her again.

 

She's trying to make sure that you're still on her hook. Stop answering her calls, emails, etc. Why aren't you going NC with her?

 

I still think of her everyday, and the thought of being in a relationship with her -- a committed her -- is a vision that sometimes consumes me with want. Healing is hard! I have to keep reminding myself of how we got to where we are, and sticking to this break-up is one of the hardest things that I've ever done.

 

But since she is unable to commit the thoughts going through your head are fantasy, not reality. Instead of focusing on what a great relationship you would have if she was committed, it's better to focus on what she really is instead. At least that way you take her off the pedestal and smack yourself back into reality.

 

I suppose reconciliation is possible -- but I want some kind of sign that she admits her issues and really wants to work at something! Her calls don't give me that sign. All they are doing is letting me know that she's ok with ME working at it again. This is crap, right? Even though I'm the dumper, shouldn't SHE be the one that works at this now? Shouldn't SHE be the one that asks me for a meeting to talk through it all?

 

Then stop taking her calls. Unless she calls and says "I really screwed up, I really want to be with you and I am ready to be in a relationship with you" no amount of calls, emails, text, etc are going to matter.

 

Be a prize, not a fish on a string.

 

So -- anyway, I just wanted to rant a bit and let you know that being a dumper is no walk in the park -- especially if you are a dumper who was forced in to the role because of a bad situation.

 

Forcing yourself to walk away from someone you care about is not easy. But it does show that you love and respect yourself enough to know you deserve better. The only advice I can give you is to stop chatting with her. Continuing contact with her is what is keeping you down.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks Cali -- great and sound advice as always.... On the not taking calls.... Ironically, I have deleted her from my cell phone to reduce temptation and accidentail dialing, but I didn't memorize her number, so have picked up unintentionally... twice now!

[norajane]

You're waiting for a sign?

 

How about talking to her and telling her that you feel she's been compartmentalizing your relationship for 3 years, that you have never felt integrated into her life, that she's been pushing you away for years and that you don't want that kind of relationship in your life.

 

Tell her that you will not even consider getting back together with her unless she admits she has commitment phobic tendencies and gets professional help to work through her issues. That's the only sign worth getting back together for.

[notmakingsense]

You're waiting for a sign?

 

How about talking to her and telling her that you feel she's been compartmentalizing your relationship for 3 years, that you have never felt integrated into her life, that she's been pushing you away for years and that you don't want that kind of relationship in your life.

 

Tell her that you will not even consider getting back together with her unless she admits she has commitment phobic tendencies and gets professional help to work through her issues. That's the only sign worth getting back together for.

 

Thanks NJ!

 

She knows why I left. I'm a very good communicator and spelled it out for her exactly. And, it wasn't a surprise to her either. It has been the main underlying topic in almost every serious conversation we've had for 3 years.

 

I don't really see the purpose in telling her again when she calls to "say hi". I'm waiting for her to bring it up on her own -- something else she's never done in the past. What is especially annoying about her two calls so far is that she hasn't even asked to see me or get back together. I look at them like little temperature-reading devices. As Cali says -- to see if I'm on the hook or not.

 

Its complicated that I'm the dumper. Usually the dumper comes crawling back on his/her hands & knees. I don't care. Even if I did dump her, she's the one that has to do the asking anyway.

 

Ugh.

 

So yes, I guess I am waiting for a sign. A sign that she's taken what I've said in the past, and at the breakup to heart.

[norajane]

The purpose in telling her again when she calls to say "hi" is so she gets it that you're serious this time, and you really don't want her in your life - even to say hi, especially just to say hi - unless she can really be in your life.

 

The purpose is to force her to face the fact that she can't just slide back in with a "hi" every now and then. The purpose is to show her that you don't want to hear from her if all she has to say is "hi".

[Kelso]

Thanks for this post dude It has helped me to see my last relationship in a brighter light. How you describe your ex....is in a way how I would describe my ex.

 

a) We didn't get the opportunity to get really close, because of her sister bitter anger towards me. She was seriously jelous that her sister had a bf ... and although she always acted nice towards me ... I knew she didn't like me as much as she pretended.

 

b) When we were getting real close ... she always backed out and instead of doing something with me...she went out with her gf's 3-4 times in a row. Me being jelous?? Don't give a **** now

 

c) Her dad owns a restaurant and my friend work there and I know a lot of employees there. (Got to know her through him). There was this staff party to say goodbye to one of the chefs and she didn't invite me to come. Although I was familiar with lots of people there, incl. my best friend Ergo...she definetly didn't want me to meet her dad / parents.

 

d) I told her shortly thereafter that I wasn't happy about something in our relationship. We being unable to get close and stuff like that. I mean...this party was an excellent event for me to get to know her family. We agreed on working on that ... two weeks later I got the kick She was probably afraid that I was gonna leave her if things wouldn't chance. Well...she was correct ... I would have left her if things wouldn't change...and of course if she wouldn't have left me

 

Didn't mean to be a thread jacker....but your post really helped me to see how she was unable to get real close with me.

 

And Cali....of course it's true what you said. Lot's of people are fantasizing about how our relationship could have been. But we must face the reality and look at the fact that it wasn't like we saw it with our rose colored glasses. It sucks...but in few years time you will probably see that it was for the best. It hurt like hell...but it was for the best.

 

"Dreams are for fools ... they let you down"

[miss snoopy]

Hi NMS,

 

I could have written that when I dumped my ex in the summer. Like yours it was a forced dumping, not one I wanted to do but I felt I had no choice, as he could not commit. However, I had the politeness and decency to end it very amicably. The HUGE mistake I made was ignoring all the advice to go NC and instead tried to establish a "friendship" as this was what he said he wanted. We ended up getting back together and... let's just say, it all ended in tears (mine) and he had the last say - ending it in a cold, cruel manner and initiating NC.

 

Whatever you do - stick to your guns. You know ending it is the right thing to do as this relationship isn't going anywhere. You need to maintain strict NC, I wouldn't want want what happened to me happen to you. Have to say though, one good thing came out of me and the ex getting back and splitting up again - the fact that there's now NO contact at all. If it hadn't happened we'd have continued some silly contact in the name of friendship, not allowing me to move on and heal.

 

Despite being the dumper, I was in a lot of pain and thought about him 24/7 - but I'm very sure this wasn't mutual. In fact, he was back on the dating site we met a fortnight later with a bright and breezy updated profile, while I was completely consumed with guilt, preoccupied with what might have been...

[notmakingsense]

The purpose in telling her again when she calls to say "hi" is so she gets it that you're serious this time, and you really don't want her in your life - even to say hi, especially just to say hi - unless she can really be in your life.

 

The purpose is to force her to face the fact that she can't just slide back in with a "hi" every now and then. The purpose is to show her that you don't want to hear from her if all she has to say is "hi".

 

To be honest, I'm more comfortable with just letting silence do the speaking for me. I feel very vunerable right now and might turn into a babbling idiot who spills to much about wanting her to commit, etc.

 

I just have to believe that she is noticing that I'm not doing anything to try to meet her or get things going again. I never call her or say anything that indicates that I give a crap.

 

Do you think this is a mistake?

[norajane]

I don't think you should be talking to her at all. What's the point of that?

[notmakingsense]

Hi NMS,

 

I could have written that when I dumped my ex in the summer. Like yours it was a forced dumping, not one I wanted to do but I felt I had no choice, as he could not commit. However, I had the politeness and decency to end it very amicably. The HUGE mistake I made was ignoring all the advice to go NC and instead tried to establish a "friendship" as this was what he said he wanted. We ended up getting back together and... let's just say, it all ended in tears (mine) and he had the last say - ending it in a cold, cruel manner and initiating NC.

 

Whatever you do - stick to your guns. You know ending it is the right thing to do as this relationship isn't going anywhere. You need to maintain strict NC, I wouldn't want want what happened to me happen to you. Have to say though, one good thing came out of me and the ex getting back and splitting up again - the fact that there's now NO contact at all. If it hadn't happened we'd have continued some silly contact in the name of friendship, not allowing me to move on and heal.

 

Despite being the dumper, I was in a lot of pain and thought about him 24/7 - but I'm very sure this wasn't mutual. In fact, he was back on the dating site we met a fortnight later with a bright and breezy updated profile, while I was completely consumed with guilt, preoccupied with what might have been...

 

Thanks for your post MS -- this is a great reminder of why it would be silly for me to keep talking to her.

 

And NJ -- You are right -- I shouldn't be talking to her at all.

 

I guess I'm just being too nice when she calls, and I need to memorize her number so that I can ignore them when they come in (I deleted her from my phone and don't have it memorized).

 

Its just that I don't have a mean bone in my body, and I find it incredibly difficult not be nice when the check-in calls come my way -- even if they are veiled attempts to keep me on the line. I also am deep-down hoping that one of the calls will be the "I screwed up and here is how I'm going to fix things" call.

[Guest]

I'm not as experienced with advice-giving as some of you here but it definately sounds like she is still thinking about you and probably wants you back. She did call you on Christmas day. Obviously her thoughts were with you even though she is a parent and probably very busy.

 

If I were you, since she is obviously still very much in your thoughts, I would give her the opportunity for another chance. I would only do this, however, if it were on your terms. Perhaps being broken up with has caused her to reflect on the relationship and how much you mean to her. You need to sit down with her and map out your expectations for the relationship. For example, mention that you need to be a priority in her life and you feel left out when it comes to her friends and family.

 

If she is able to step up to these issues then it is worth another chance. It is quite evident to me that your relationship has not closed yet.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks Guest -- see my other thread "Turned down a meeting" -- I gave her a chance. She called again, and we traded some notes. I told her that if she wanted to talk about the issues that broke us up, I would be happy to meet her. She wrote back and told me that she misses me, and if I wanted to get together independantly of of all those issues, that she'd love to.

 

I responded that I still had too many feelings about it and that I would not be able to meet her just to have a good time and ignore everything.

 

So we are back to no-contact again.

[MagnoliaJane]

NMS, you obviously have learned a lot from this experience and you are an inspiration for all of us. I believe what you are doing is the only sane emotional way to move forward.

[dropdeadlegs]

Hang in there NMS. I have read a lot of your posts in the past few days and I think you are coping pretty well. It IS hard to be the dumper even when you had to do it. I understand holding on to the hope that she will come to her senses, just don't hang on for TOO long! You will let completely go when you are ready, and I think it's okay that you are not there yet as it really hasn't been that long. I personally think the holidays prolong the healing process.

 

I do think you need to go NC, and you seem to agree. I don't know if this will help, but I can review my cell phone bills/records (even past bills) online and you may recognize her number so that you can reprogram it, or at least write it down so you will know it is her calling. If she ever does decide that she is willing to make the changes required to reconcile, I think that is best done face to face and not initiated by phone anyway.

 

I agree that you are very good at communication so she definitely knows what it would take to come back.

 

Keep your chin up, I'm glad you are standing your ground and IMO you are doing a fine job of it. I would also be tempted to take her calls anyway (just because of the "hope") but if I were in her shoes, I would come to you and beg to reconcile with changes face to face.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks MJ and DDL -- I really appreciate your support and the support of the others here on LS!

 

I know I'm doing the right thing -- and it has been a huge step for my my emotional development and self-esteem to stick with this.

 

I guess I willl take her calls -- if she calls -- Unfortunately, she is stubborn, a bit narcissistic (sp?), and a commitment phobe -- so I'm not holding my breath.... at this point you might ask... so what are so attracted to again?

[MagnoliaJane]

The question about attraction seems to be an important one

 

Why do we keep attracted even though they are clearly not meeting us halfway?

 

Maybe the memory of how good it felt at first? And the fact that they are the ones who can bring back that feeling?

 

But it is so not worth all the turmoil and heartbreak!

[Guest]

Just wanted to say, I totally sympathize. I was in a very similar relationship for four years, and finally ended it about a month ago. I knew it wasn't going anywhere, I'd been disappointed by his unwillingness to talk about issues that were important to the relationships unless I threatened to leave over them, and the day I finally did it, I was at a breaking point.

 

Unfortunately, now, a month later, the memory of the relationship pain has faded, but the feeling of loss is still there. I know that realistically I did the right thing, but it's *so* hard to walk away from something that was so important to me. I too am having a hard time remembering our relationship as it was, as opposed to how I would have liked it to be.

 

Even if she wants to get back together, I suggest you do not. My ex and I broke up 3 or 4 times, sometimes mutually, sometimes at his initiation. Every single time he promised he would be different when we got back together. It never lasted. I hate how little he fought to keep me, I hate the idea that he'll be happy someday with someone else.

 

But I sat down and wrote out fifty episodes in our relationship that made me feel awful, and I try to refer to them frequently. It seems to help a little. And I keep thinking of that line from Shopgirl -- I can hurt now, or I can hurt later. Based on four years of experience, I'm confident this is the case. So better now than later. But in the meantime, my God.

[notmakingsense]

Yes -- I think it is the memory of what it was like, which is why time heals the condition. As time goes on, I feel less compelled to try to make things work with her, because I can take a much more balanced view. And this is why NC is so important, because a simple meeting can undo weeks of progress.

[MagnoliaJane]

And this is why NC is so important, because a simple meeting can undo weeks of progress.

 

This is so true. I can testify on that. It is so tempting to fall in the "what could have been" trap!

[cityboy]

And this is why NC is so important, because a simple meeting can undo weeks of progress.

 

I wish I had listened to that on Sunday. An entire month with two weeks of productive NC down the drain. It's almost like you fall hard the second and third times, too.

[MagnoliaJane]

I think you fall harder the second and third time because there was a rekindled hope for reconciliation. These time you can't tell yourself you were unaware of the fact that (s)he could dump you because you've been there before.

[notmakingsense]

I think you fall harder the second and third time because there was a rekindled hope for reconciliation. These time you can't tell yourself you were unaware of the fact that (s)he could dump you because you've been there before.

 

I would agree with MJ -- when the 2nd, 3rd (or 4th in my case!) time comes around, you are more convinced that they *really* understand you, know what you need, and are prepared to try.... But -- I gradually lost more and more trust as the attempts continued, so even though the initial "falling hard" happened, I would find myself questioning the situation more quickly and subtely finding ways to protect myself -- like not being so aggressive.

 

You know what they say: "Once bitten, twice shy" -- or in my case, "Thrice bitten, twice shy"