sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Oh yes, I realised that: didn't mean it to sound like I disagreed with you oh ok, i just think it is so sad that we do this to ourselves. knowing the possibility for anything other than devastation is so slim.
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 sunmoon and sadbuttrue, I just have to say... if it's not working for you, if you're hurting and you're feeling ill... you owe it to yourself to walk away, or take a break. Nothing else makes any sense. It's really no use blaming men and saying they 'think with their penis' and 'don't have the balls' to leave or whatever. If you keep seeing them, and keep allowing yourself to be hurt.. that's on your own head, yes..? Walk away if it's hurting. Or make a decision to accept what there is, and make the best of it, if that's what you want. You're not powerless. There are just SOME things that you don't have control over... and another person's actions, well that falls into the category you can't control. Remember the desiderata... always helps
JamesM Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 ....but maybe these men don't know the first thing about TRUE love. Maybe start thinking with there heads as oppossed to their penis' I think you had a revelation. If women realized that yes, their MM is thinking with the wrong head...and no, he is not some "special guy" in that area, then maybe alot of pain would disappear. I do not mean that sarcastically, but so often I read of affairs and the OW seems to think that he is truly in love with her. I don't doubt that this is true on a rare occasion, but in general, men who will not leave their wives do not love their OW.
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 ( makes me really depressed but seems alot of people married have affairs and just never leave their spouses and continue to lead this lie...WHY??? because of children and finances,,,?!?! there is always a way if u love someone...sorry there is....but maybe these men don't know the first thing about TRUE love. Maybe start thinking with there heads as oppossed to their penis' af·faire a : a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration Why do people continue to have affairs & not leave ? lots of reasons plently of women/men who are naitve enough to believe they love them &they can get away with it . not because of children and finances because if the person loved you those both could be taken care of. Maybe if the women who involve themselves with men think with there intelligence & not emotions & low self esteem ,the penis wouldnt even come into play Ive been there ,but i learned from it and its so annoying sometimes to hear grown a$$ people say i cant controll myself were in love ,he loves me etc yes you can controll yourself you choose not to.
Buttaflyy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I'd also like to add...(this is a generalization, as much as I despise them and know that we are all individual:p ) "Some" men are usually more selfish than that. A man who has an A in the first place is concerned with his own selfish feelings and desires. If he had an overwhelming desire to be with another woman and was being tormented with his W he'd leave by any means. He just would.
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I think you had a revelation. If women realized that yes, their MM is thinking with the wrong head...and no, he is not some "special guy" in that area, then maybe alot of pain would disappear. I do not mean that sarcastically, but so often I read of affairs and the OW seems to think that he is truly in love with her. I don't doubt that this is true on a rare occasion, but in general, men who will not leave their wives do not love their OW. I don't believe men leave marriages because they "fall in love" with anyone.. it usually takes a whole lot more than that. Though what the exact combination is, I suppose we'd have to ask someone who had actually done it. Where is bonehead these days..?
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I'd also like to add...(this is a generalization, as much as I despise them and know that we are all individual:p ) "Some" men are usually more selfish than that. A man who has an A in the first place is concerned with his own selfish feelings and desires. If he had an overwhelming desire to be with another woman and was being tormented with his W he'd leave by any means. He just would. So leaving your marriage and children on the basis of falling in love with someone else is less selfish than having an affair..? Not in my opinion. But it all depends where your priorities lie, I suppose.
Buttaflyy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 So leaving your marriage and children on the basis of falling in love with someone else is less selfish than having an affair..? Not in my opinion. But it all depends where your priorities lie, I suppose. No not at all. You misunderstood. They're both selfish acts and IMO their priorities are not where they should be already. What I was saying is a man who is having an A is proving that his main priority is himself. His loyalty to any woman is questionable, and if he had such a strong desire for his OW, he would leave his W if it were making him so miserable. Maybe simply because he wants happiness for himself.
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 So leaving your marriage and children on the basis of falling in love with someone else is less selfish than having an affair..? Not in my opinion. But it all depends where your priorities lie, I suppose. It is less selfish to leave family because you are taking responsibility ,being mature,being accountable for the life you live by having everything in the open. Unless hes a really horrible guy he will still see his kids . And if he were truly unselfish & was staying just for kids he would suffer no OW,he has a W that im sure sleeps with him sometimes . He is also selfish in his actions that he can have OW on the side but what about W? She is being lied to ,not being with someone who truly has her best interests she deserves better. And if he didnt let himself get on that level with another women then there would be no falling in love . Its all controllable .
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 No not at all. You misunderstood. They're both selfish acts and IMO their priorities are not where they should be already. What I was saying is a man who is having an A is proving that his main priority is himself. His loyalty to any woman is questionable, and if he had such a strong desire for his OW, he would leave his W if it were making him so miserable. Maybe simply because he wants happiness for himself. Are there any acts which are not considered and branded 'selfish' on this site..? I'd like to know what's wrong with wanting 'happiness for yourself' in some measure. And NO, I don't mean 'to the expense of others'.
Buttaflyy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Are there any acts which are not considered and branded 'selfish' on this site..? I'd like to know what's wrong with wanting 'happiness for yourself' in some measure. And NO, I don't mean 'to the expense of others'. Look, it is what it is. Now we can call it by so many names and it'll still remain the same. IMO, sometimes we are entitled to be a little selfish. That's not what is necessarily the bad thing here. I guess I should have also added the word irresponsible, but what I was trying to show was the devotion to themselves that they are fulfilling. It is not about the circumstances of the marriage, not about the OW, but the devotion that he has to himself. He will fulfill his own desires, and he's not considering his wives, sometimes kids feelings first. The OW has to realize that he's certainly not considering hers before his own either. A man who is with two women is a selfish man. Do you not agree? A man who wants his "cake" (there was no way around using it here) and wants to eat it, is SELFISH.
JamesM Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Are there any acts which are not considered and branded 'selfish' on this site..? I'd like to know what's wrong with wanting 'happiness for yourself' in some measure. And NO, I don't mean 'to the expense of others'. I don't think it is being selfish to want happiness for one's self. However, making a commitment to someone means sometimes putting their happiness first. Having an affair puts only the perpetrator of the affair first while hurting everyone else. Divorcing one's SO to pursue someone else is still selfish but more responsible. But no, neither options are giving. And both options will "bring happiness" to one person while hurting everyone else involved. Too many people today...and I include myself at times...make commitments without realizing that there will be times of unhappiness. Choosing a different person will not eliminate that probability.
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