sunmoon Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hi: Just wanted to say... I'm an OW, and have been for about 9 months now..I won't get into the details of my relationship, but one thing that I'm sure most OW know or should know, is think about putting a TIME LIMIT on the relationship with the MM. I did this with a few of my "normal" relationships and it always seems to be productive and helps you cope, because you feel like you have SOME control. I know I know,,,seems hard cause you are in love...I am Really in love...We all are, but we MUST contain some kind of rule otherwisw we will do this forever. BUT, this time limit cannot be known by the MM.
yousaveme Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I have had a few time limits and have chickened out of everyone. Its been about a year for me thus far. Hi: Just wanted to say... I'm an OW, and have been for about 9 months now..I won't get into the details of my relationship, but one thing that I'm sure most OW know or should know, is think about putting a TIME LIMIT on the relationship with the MM. I did this with a few of my "normal" relationships and it always seems to be productive and helps you cope, because you feel like you have SOME control. I know I know,,,seems hard cause you are in love...I am Really in love...We all are, but we MUST contain some kind of rule otherwisw we will do this forever. BUT, this time limit cannot be known by the MM.
Touche Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 If you have so much control that you can actually put a time limit on it and stick to it, then why is it that you can't control having an affair in the first place? Just wondering....
Buttaflyy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 If you have so much control that you can actually put a time limit on it and stick to it, then why is it that you can't control having an affair in the first place? Just wondering.... I had the same question in mind. Also, what is the benefit of this time limit? How does this help you in your situation? If you set a time frame of 6 months or a year and reach that mark, do you think it would be easier to walk away?
yousaveme Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I really dont see how you can just walk away. She said she really loves him, so I dont see how a time frame could work.. I had the same question in mind. Also, what is the benefit of this time limit? How does this help you in your situation? If you set a time frame of 6 months and reach that mark, do you think it would be easier to walk away?
sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 sunmoon, i do not understand your time limit theory either. is it like an expiration date for your love for him? doesnt seem like it would work well if you truly loved him. or are you just saying you give them so much time to leave their W for you? then you walk away? if that is what you mean, then why put a time limit on a R with a single guy?
Buttaflyy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 or are you just saying you give them so much time to leave their W for you? then you walk away? if that is what you mean, then why put a time limit on a R with a single guy? I was thinking this too. It seems to me that the time limit is actually a "silent" ultimatum. I would like you to know that if that's what you're expecting then you may want to set your limit to a very short amount of time. Don't wait on it honey. Either way, you should apply your attention to a single man.
Touche Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 sunmoon, i do not understand your time limit theory either. is it like an expiration date for your love for him? doesnt seem like it would work well if you trulyloved him. or are you just saying you give them so much time to leave their W for you? then you walk away? if that is what you mean, then why put a time limit on a R with a single guy? That was funny! Yeah, kind of like old soured milk.
Author sunmoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 yes i understand what you mean... I suppose I'm trying to find an easy way to handle this ....my mind is somewhat a wreck...I'm kinda in la la land with this man....I've honestly never had a better relationship,,,and its not because it's forbidden and secret etc,,,,(im past that stage)...We are a great match, we have more then just an affair...Anyway, I suppose I feel almost at my wits end,,,but i don't wanna lose him..but well,,,im 32. i cant do this forever right?..(
sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 there are very few OW that have not said how mentally debilitating these A's are on them. i understand not wanting to lose him. i dont want to lose the MM i am seeing either, but it will happen. i guess you are the smart one, choosing to get off the train before it runs off the tracks, i feel like i must go over the edge with the rest of the train.
Touche Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Explain how it's a "great match?" Uhm...he's already taken. How is that a great match? It's sad that this is the best relationship that you've ever had...one with a man who goes home to his wife every night. Stay with him and you shut off all possibilities of finding your own available man. So when does it end? There is no easy way, as you put it. You need to just put an end to it. The longer you drag this on, the harder it's going to be and the longer you close off all other options.
sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Explain how it's a "great match?" Uhm...he's already taken. How is that a great match? It's sad that this is the best relationship that you've ever had...one with a man who goes home to his wife every night. Stay with him and you shut off all possibilities of finding your own available man. So when does it end? There is no easy way, as you put it. You need to just put an end to it. The longer you drag this on, the harder it's going to be and the longer you close off all other options. touche, of course what you say is correct, but when you are where sm (or me for that matter) is in her R with MM, then you have to know it is extremely hard to see reason. and even harder to act on it.
JamesM Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I am with Touche...how is it a great match? I know what you think. He loves you and you love him. It is just that he made a mistake and married his wife. But she doesn't deserve him and doesn't treat him right. When we are together, we are so perfect together...if he just didn't have to leave to go home. But he is planning on leaving her...he just can't do it now because of the kids, etc. I am not being sarcastic, but I am retelling some of what you will find when you read through the posts and threads her in the OW/OM section. I can understand what you are saying about an expiration date. Basically, you are hoping that if you say that "if you don't leave her by (date you set), then you don't really love me, but you are using me." Personally, it could work, but the big IF is whether you will hold to your date. As you read through the posts here, you will see that many have tried a similar idea, but many have failed. So, IMO...and understandably from someone who is not in your position, the answer is yes, you can do it. But realistically, the facts need to be faced now. If he really loved me and wanted a relationship with me, he would have left his wife BEFORE involving me in a relationship that will lead to nothing but pain for me...if he doesn't leave his wife. To love someone means you want the best for that person. And involving someone in an affair is definitely not the best thing for that person. And the obvious other angle...if he leaves his wife for you, why are you more special than she? If he is willing to submit her to such pain as an affair (even when she doesn't know about it) after he said he would love her and committed to do what is best for her and the relationship, then how can you believe what he is telling you? When the going gets tough when/if you married him, whose arms will he go to then? Just some food for thought.
Buttaflyy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 touche, of course what you say is correct, but when you are where sm (or me for that matter) is in her R with MM, then you have to know it is extremely hard to see reason. and even harder to act on it. I agree. It's hard to see reason. Infact, IMO all "reason" went out the window when for what ever reason the A was attempted. I would like to know the reasoning behind seeing someone whom has broken loyalty to at least, one woman in his life already, and being loyal to him? Why not continue seeing other men as well? Can a man who is married expect exclusivity from the OW? Why does he get it if he does?
Touche Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 touche, of course what you say is correct, but when you are where sm (or me for that matter) is in her R with MM, then you have to know it is extremely hard to see reason. and even harder to act on it. I know you're right..but I gotta try. I hate to see people put themselves through so much pain.
Author sunmoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 yes i see. Great match isn't the best way to describe this... Seeing other men, while still seeing my MM will "coat" the situation I suppose, but will keep me in la la land. His wife cheated on him as well. no excuse i know....i know that what i am doing will most likely end in tears, but I have "some" faith because I have to. On the other hand ....I can face this like an adult, put on my armor and say F$%k YOU and leave his ass. Yeah so what, the sex is great, we get along great, it's easy etc....blah blah blah....It all comes down to how much BS one can take
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I'm not sure about time limits, but if they work for you, then why not? I've called a halt or break a few times during the affair because I felt it was right at certain times. Maybe I would call them a 'patience limit' or a 'stress level limit' or a 'I can't deal with this because it's going nowhere limit'. Whatever works has to be good.
JamesM Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 His wife cheated on him as well. Do you want to be in the middle of this already bad relationship? Obviously, his cheating with you may simply be a rebound anger effect from her cheating. Why not wait until he leaves her? Or are you afraid that he is actually planning on going back to her after he has had HIS affair? And yes, I can tell that your emotions are overruling your objevtive thoughts. I understand. I think you came here with a question that had an answer that you already knew.
Author sunmoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 James,,,,you couldn't be more right. Which scares me...I do know the answer. The ultimate would be. Leave your wife. If you don't then I gotta go Mr. MM. If I go and he still doesn't leave her for me, then there is my answer. He doesn't REALLY love me if he won't go that mile. But I will say this ....eventually he problaby will leave her, but some men need to go through alot before they actually leave.....depresses me, but .....(
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 for a timeline i would say 1 year . i read somewhere if he doesnt leave W in that time hes not leaving. and from my experience it gets worst after 1 year you will be more attached ,the lies from him get deeper etc. i have a friend that was Married she had a brief A with a guy @work ,his W found out stated she would tell her H if she didnt break all contact. she did she always told me she wasnt happy wouldnt leave because of children . well a couple of months later she met a guy @work again started A in november ,it was to be just fun . she feel in love left her husband that march . and no it didnt work LOL they were together 3 years he cheated on her ,they were both involved with other people when having A. but it shows if its truly love (which i dont believe it was )he would leave kids or no kids. if i had mine to do over i wouldnt but i gets worst as soon as you start feeling like you are its time to go.
sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 James,,,,you couldn't be more right. Which scares me...I do know the answer. The ultimate would be. Leave your wife. If you don't then I gotta go Mr. MM. If I go and he still doesn't leave her for me, then there is my answer. He doesn't REALLY love me if he won't go that mile. But I will say this ....eventually he problaby will leave her, but some men need to go through alot before they actually leave.....depresses me, but .....( sm, i have these same feelings about my MM, i must not be enough for him to leave her. this is part of the reason a lot of OW are so down on themselves and feel like sh*t. we are constantly telling ourselves that if MM does not leave W, kids, home, stability, everything he has known for however many years, on the chance that we (OW) really are the perfect answer to all of his problems and will make him so happy, then obviously we are lacking in something. i dont care how strong the love is, that would be a tremendous life change for anyone, and a very hard decision to make.
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 sm, i have these same feelings about my MM, i must not be enough for him to leave her. this is part of the reason a lot of OW are so down on themselves and feel like sh*t. we are constantly telling ourselves that if MM does not leave W, kids, home, stability, everything he has known for however many years, on the chance that we (OW) really are the perfect answer to all of his problems and will make him so happy, then obviously we are lacking in something. i dont care how strong the love is, that would be a tremendous life change for anyone, and a very hard decision to make. That's a negative view guaranteed to send you crazy. Of course an individual can't be the answer to someone else's problems. And the "If he loves you he'll move mountains to be with you" mantra is just so much romantic nonsense imho.
sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 that is what i am saying frannie, it is an almost impossible expectation of a MM
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 that is what i am saying frannie, it is an almost impossible expectation of a MM Oh yes, I realised that: didn't mean it to sound like I disagreed with you
Author sunmoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 sadbuttrue and frannie,,,u guys are right? I'm glad i found this site as it helps me see a better perspective and know that other women are going through this as well...( makes me really depressed but seems alot of people married have affairs and just never leave their spouses and continue to lead this lie...WHY??? because of children and finances,,,?!?! there is always a way if u love someone...sorry there is....but maybe these men don't know the first thing about TRUE love. Maybe start thinking with there heads as oppossed to their penis'
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