I hate small talk and can't get a date

January 8, 2007

hi all.. this is my first post here

i came here for advice.. well, i am what they call a "geek" and i can't seem to get a date to save my life. i'm still virgin at 28 (yes u can laugh )

my problem is this: i hate small talk!!1! i don't see the point behind useless chit-chat. but every girl i know loves chit-chat!1 usually i just stay silent or say sumthing completely stupid.

take this as an example:

so this girl is hitting on me at the market. She starts by giving me extra mashed potatoes, and making a point about it like "Haha woops thats a lot of mashed potatoes". i thought she was so hot my heart started racing. i started trembling in fear as i let out a nervous "haha.. yes the weather is kinda cold today". she giggled, looked at me sympathetically and said: "you're shaking!". i didn't know what to do so i dropped my mashed potatoes and ran away as fast as i can from the market - everyone pointing and laughing

as u can see i made a fool of myself.. again

my question is: how the hell would you have replied in such a situation? what she said was so simple but i couldn't think of anything back to say!! what would you say?

Thanks in advance

January 8, 2007

I'd have said something inane like, "Yes it is and can you feel the love in them?" or maybe something simple like, "Thanks! Those should keep me warm for the rest of the day."

It's not difficult to come back with something and it doesn't matter much what it is as long as it keeps the conversation going but you have to tie it into what was said. Going from a lot of potatoes to how well the artichokes are growing in China this season just doesn't connect.

No laughing here, especially not at your expense. I used to be quite shy and have since done television and tons of public speaking. The trick is to go into character and let that character do the talking for you. In time it becomes second nature and you can drop the character and just be yourself.

Running is not an option!

January 8, 2007

Well, unfortunately, you will need to learn small talk. What I gather is that it is more than small talk you lack...it is "courage" when talking with a woman. It is the ability to be your normal self confident self.

As Curmudgeon said, I was shy with women also. But I have to say that I am still shy...but not as bad. Now I can usually start a conversation and continue it. Part of that comes from being able to listen as well. The biggest thing I learned is to be able to ask questions about her, and then respond appropriately. I have found that every person has a sory and everybody is quite fascinating. Interestingly enough, the more she becomes relaxed, the more I am.

As for the inane type of comments in the situation you mentioned, I agree with Curmudgeon. Become someone...in a sense. Remember, if she never met you before, she doesn't know you. This is good as well as bad. It is good because you can "pretend" until you feel comfortable. It is bad if you cannot feel comfortable, because she will never find out who you really are. The trick to pretending is knowing when to quit pretending.

January 8, 2007

There is bad news and good news to being so sensitive.

The bad news is you will have to overcome some of your discomfort in order to meet someone. The above posters are right on about practice and experience. Asking someone about themselves is almost a surefire way of getting them to talk to you. For example, "Do you like potatoes? Maybe we could share."

The good news is that lots of women are attracted to sensitive guys. I remember once I was messing around with a guy and he was nervous and trembling and it was a real turn on, actually, to know that he cared enough to feel nervous. There are too many smooth operators in the world already. So you don't have to be Joe Cool to be successful with women.

January 8, 2007

your story sounds like something that could be in a sitcom!

You'd be surprised though, if someone's very attracted to someone else, there's little one could do/say to screw it up.

talk about hte weather, the food, something she's wearing..anything!

January 8, 2007

I won't laugh at you, i used to be a fat nerd, only i got sick of it, worked out, and now i have a girl that likes me. finally....

but, anyway, that was simple just laugh and go "Hahaha, that was a lot of mashed potatoes wasn't it? Almost like you did that on purpose..."

Thats what I would have done. But, you are right, my heart beats really fast when someone hot is even close to me. I wish that wouldn't happen.

January 8, 2007

my problem is this: i hate small talk!!1! i don't see the point behind useless chit-chat. but every girl i know loves chit-chat!1 usually i just stay silent or say sumthing completely stupid.

the idea behind small talk is to eventually find something in common that you two can talk about with more substance. you can master the art of small talk thru trial and error.

January 9, 2007

so this girl is hitting on me at the market. She starts by giving me extra mashed potatoes, and making a point about it like "Haha woops thats a lot of mashed potatoes".

I'm not sure that she was hitting on you.

January 9, 2007

I'm not sure that she was hitting on you.

hahahaha i was thinking that too-

its like "Mommy, how did you and daddy meet?"

"Well, honey, I gave him too much mashed potatoes because I thought he was hot."

im not making fun. who knows. could be a different young lady that had next to the same problem as you. who knows.

January 9, 2007

Well, I'd say there's a pretty good chance she was trying to initiate something with you because she's interested.

Don't worry about what to say, just say something even a simple gee thanks. Say something like "Are you bucking for a tip or something?" "Are you trying to fatten me up or what?" "While you're at it, can I get too much roast beef and an extra roll or too." or how about "Are you this generous with everyone?" That would be a casual way of giving her the opportunity to tell you if she may be interested in you -- ya think?!

I too was a little like you at one time. Actually it's something I've just shed myself of the last 5 or 6 years. Not really shyness, just not knowing what to say at a lot of times. But I've learned a lot lately.

One thing I think you have wrong. Girls don't like small talk anymore than you do. The few that do, are not the kind I think you'd want anyway would you? Like if you're on a first date with her... make what small talk you have to in order to initiate a conversation, but go somewhere with it as soon as you can. Girls don't like boring guys as a general rule and the number one boring trait of boring guys is that they make small talk all night long.

Example: I used to work nights and there was this little bar in town I'd stop by when I got off at 11:00 and I'd stay until closing time. The manager usually tended bar there most nights. Her name was Brooke and she was a really cute little 28-year-old blonde. She was divorced with a kid, so I guess I never worried too much what she thought of me. I never flirted with her real heavy, she had a boyfriend, but I kind of got a lot of practice in with her.

She's make the typical small talk when I'd come in and sit down, which was usually "How was work." Instead of telling her "Oh fine" I'd tell her the ugly truth. It didn't turn her off it drew her in. I'd tell her about what my ******* boss did that night and do an impersonation of him and carry on. Then, I'd steer the conversation into talking about careers and what I wanted to do for a living instead. She was all ears. Then I'd turn it to her and start a deep conversation and ask her "So Brook, just exactly what is it you really want to do." I remember the night I did that... she came over and sat down by me at that point and I had a really long inimate conversation with her at that point. Basically, if she was available I'd have had her, and I think if I wanted to press it just a little and make a little bit of a move, I probably could anyway.

But I got to be really good friends with her, because she knew when I came in, I wasn't going to make mindless small talk all night. I kind of started to realize that there's no reason I can't do that with any other girl.

So if you want... practice? Find a married woman, someone who's unavaiable and practice on her. You don't have to flirt. That's not what I'm saying at all. But find an attractive woman that's preferably around the age of a woman you'd like to date -- but one that's "safe." In other words, one that's taken and no worry to you if you don't impress.

January 10, 2007

See, you should have asked her if she would like to keep you warm when you're shivering I love flirting with girls. I enjoy girls that will do blazing 180's on me and throw me off my balance. Then I know I'm in for a fun time. The funny thing is I used to be shy like you and would only talk to guys because I could relate better. But then I started talking to girls and the more I've done it the more comfortable I became and now I'm starting to worry about my sexual orientation I wonder what the guys are thinking when they see me talking to women all the time.

So practice more with married women like Clay said to take pressure off you. Then you'll be natural with girls. See, the more you do it the more you'll remember what to say and how to say it. When I talk to girls I tend to be serious so I throw in some flirtatious/a**hole comments once in a while to lighten up the mood because I like to laugh. The more you get to know the girl the more comfortable you become with her and she'll get to know the real you.

January 12, 2007

gee thanks for the replies everyone... i already feel kinda better

yes i realize that what ur saying about being brave and stuff is true... but i feel that my looks are really an obstacle.. my dress sense and hair are, simply put, horrid...

how important do u guys think looks are? am i just deluding myself with my insecurities? do girls care that much about looks? i might just get tempted to post my pic here but my intuition keeps telling me that would be a REALLY bad idea

January 12, 2007

gee thanks for the replies everyone... i already feel kinda better

yes i realize that what ur saying about being brave and stuff is true... but i feel that my looks are really an obstacle.. my dress sense and hair are, simply put, horrid...

how important do u guys think looks are? am i just deluding myself with my insecurities? do girls care that much about looks? i might just get tempted to post my pic here but my intuition keeps telling me that would be a REALLY bad idea

I think girls care more about looks than they say. They always say 'personality matters the most' but reality seems to have a funny way of negating their assertion.

January 12, 2007

gee thanks for the replies everyone... i already feel kinda better

yes i realize that what ur saying about being brave and stuff is true... but i feel that my looks are really an obstacle.. my dress sense and hair are, simply put, horrid...

how important do u guys think looks are? am i just deluding myself with my insecurities? do girls care that much about looks? i might just get tempted to post my pic here but my intuition keeps telling me that would be a REALLY bad idea

Dress sense and hair are not really your looks, per se. They are just surface things that can change. Lots of girls can see past stuff like that, but you have to beware of the "I'll fix him" dynamic, unless you're into the idea of being fixed. It can turn into a power struggle really fast.

Do you have any female friends, or a cousin or sister who could give you advice about your clothes and hair?

BTW, I once posted my picture on here briefly, and I was embarrassed, but it turned out to be a positive experience.

January 13, 2007

I think girls care more about looks than they say. They always say 'personality matters the most' but reality seems to have a funny way of negating their assertion.

I find that is pretty true, initially anyway. If you dont have the personality to back up the appeal down the line, you're already at a loss. people need both of that depending on the situation, one can have an amazing personality but lack sex appeal and vice versa.

If you're not confident about yourself or your looks in general, then i suggest you start building your confidence. insecurity/low confidence is a turn off to most women

January 13, 2007

I think girls care more about looks than they say. They always say 'personality matters the most' but reality seems to have a funny way of negating their assertion.

agreed....many times you'll see the best looking dudes with chicks all over them no matter what their personality, intelligence or earning potential. Same with penis size....it really does matter.

January 13, 2007

agreed....many times you'll see the best looking dudes with chicks all over them no matter what their personality, intelligence or earning potential. Same with penis size....it really does matter.

Of course it matters, duh! But if looks and penis size are the ONLY things a man has to offer, he's a loser in my book. Glad I held out for the whole package myself.

January 13, 2007

gee thanks for the replies everyone... i already feel kinda better

yes i realize that what ur saying about being brave and stuff is true... but i feel that my looks are really an obstacle.. my dress sense and hair are, simply put, horrid...

how important do u guys think looks are? am i just deluding myself with my insecurities? do girls care that much about looks? i might just get tempted to post my pic here but my intuition keeps telling me that would be a REALLY bad idea

To be honest, I think that being good at small talk is more important and will get you more points than your looks. If you are 'hot' but boring, then nobody will want to be around you. If you can suck it up and go with the flow as far as commenting on the weather, you will get a lot of attention! Yes, small talk is lame, but it's surprisingly an attention grabber despite how insignificant the topic might be.

So even if your hair is out of fashion and your clothes are not so sharp, if you can talk about mashed potatoes and the ant crawling nearby, you will get a date. If instead you get tongue tied and walk away, fearing your hair is out of place even though you could've commented on how warm or cool the weather is, then get ready for spending a lot of lonely nights by yourself.

January 16, 2007

so I went back to the market yesterday and guess what!! she was there!!11! i think she recognized me as well.. "oh hello there! :)".. her smile as sweet as ever..

anywayz.. i actually had a conversation with her this time!!11 it went alright.. and check this out.. i'm seeing her on saturday evening for some drinks

god this is soo exciting!! i hope i don't blow it by being a complete dork..

i will probably need some help by the way.. i really need to get this right.. and i could use a few pointers on how to dress up etc etc..

here's my pic.. don't laugh too hard!!11!

oh i din't find anywhere to upload it so it's on my avatar for now.

January 16, 2007

hi all.. this is my first post here
i came here for advice.. well, i am what they call a "geek" and i can't seem to get a date to save my life. i'm still virgin at 28 (yes u can laugh )

my problem is this: i hate small talk!!1! i don't see the point behind useless chit-chat. but every girl i know loves chit-chat!1 usually i just stay silent or say sumthing completely stupid.

take this as an example:

so this girl is hitting on me at the market. She starts by giving me extra mashed potatoes, and making a point about it like "Haha woops thats a lot of mashed potatoes". i thought she was so hot my heart started racing. i started trembling in fear as i let out a nervous "haha.. yes the weather is kinda cold today". she giggled, looked at me sympathetically and said: "you're shaking!". i didn't know what to do so i dropped my mashed potatoes and ran away as fast as i can from the market - everyone pointing and laughing

as u can see i made a fool of myself.. again
my question is: how the hell would you have replied in such a situation? what she said was so simple but i couldn't think of anything back to say!! what would you say?

Thanks in advance

It's just inexperience that is causing you the problems. Once you practise "small talk", you get better at it. Also once you've talked to enough "hot" women (few women are truly hot) you get pretty blase about it.

So - go out and practise, grasshopper! Since reasonably pretty girls make you shake, try just chatting in a friendly way to women you *don't* find intimidatingly attractive. At first you might be awkward and nervous, but force yourself to do it and slowly you will get better. Keep that up for a while, graduate up to more attractive women, and in time you'll overcome your problem.

As for what to say, there's no point in scripted replies, it all depends on the moment. You either think up something funny to say on the spot, or just say something normal. Just smile and try to be yourself.

January 16, 2007

gee thanks for the replies everyone... i already feel kinda better

yes i realize that what ur saying about being brave and stuff is true... but i feel that my looks are really an obstacle.. my dress sense and hair are, simply put, horrid...

how important do u guys think looks are? am i just deluding myself with my insecurities? do girls care that much about looks? i might just get tempted to post my pic here but my intuition keeps telling me that would be a REALLY bad idea

Looks are important, but the vast majority of people can look a lot better with good presentation. If your dress sense and hair are horrid, then change them to something that looks good and suits you. A below-average guy in the looks department can look impressive if dressed well and in good physical shape.

I would say that if people are measure 0 to 10 in terms of looks & physical attractiveness, then changeable things like hairstyle, body fitness and dress sense can add at the very least 2 out of 10 to your "score". Going from bad dress sense to excellent dress sense can move a 5 out of 10 up to 7 easily.

Also about the nervousness in general, it can totally be transformed. I remember when I first spoke in front of a group of people, I was very nervous and my lip twitched sometimes making it harder to speak. I decided to join a debating society to get practise, and within 2 years I found it a total breeze to speak in front of loads of people, I got pretty smooth and could raise a few laughs and keep people interested. Since then I have no problems talking in front of large groups, something that is a big fear for many people. I was also very shy with women, as I went to an all-boys school and didn't have much contact until I was 17 when I changed to a mixed one. Now, far from being nervous, I don't find it a problem at all to flirt with someone I might meet in a shop queue, or just approach a stranger and ask her out. So if I can go from nervous shy doofus to the opposite, then anyone can. It won't happen overnight, but the more effort and practise you put in, the better you will do.

January 16, 2007

s actually had a conversation with her this time!!11 it went alright.. and check this out.. i'm seeing her on saturday evening for some drinks

YAY... congratulations...

Ok help with small talk or the art of conversation.. Lots of people say I'm good at small talk or striking up conversations with strangers.. actually I'm not particularly good and depends on my mood but I am a GOOD LISTENER...

Pretty much I get people to talk about themselves and interject when necessary... here are some conversation starters for you my friend:

So how was work? (tell me why it was good, bad, indifferent 'alright' - what only alright how so?)

So how long have you been working at the market?

How did you get into it?

Do you enjoy it?

What about annoying customers, what do you do when people don't know what they want, change their mind etc?

If it's a family thing you can say 'wow, cool, so how long have your family had a stall there?'

If she says I'm just working here whilst I study or doing something else you can say 'ok so what are you studying?'

Whole new topic of conversation there.

Other good things - where are you from? how long have you been here, do you miss home, will you go back etc...

Family is a good thing too... brothers/sisters etc etc...

It's all about how you ask the question.. if you say 'Tell me about your family - Do you have any brothers or sisters' it sounds like she is completing a questionnaire but if you say it like 'that's cool, so where are your family - do have any brothers or sisters close by?' it is more conversational.

Listen to what she says (hopefully your interested in what she says) and let the questions form naturally through that. You can talk about yourself too but if nerves is an issue I'd start by getting her to talk about stuff.

Also positive reinforcement - nod and say stuff like 'yeah that's cool, wow' etc in an upbeat positive way. Try this as an experiment get someone to talk to you for a minute (on any topic) first time look excited, interested, look them in the eye, nod (if your interested or not) etc... Second time - look away, look distracted, look bored, check out your fingernails, cross your arms and watch their conversation dry up... it's very difficult without positive signals to keep going.

Re looks... my brother was/is a nerd... he hated any suggestions my mum and I had regarding clothes, hair style etc... and then he met his (now) wife... she had all the impact we couldn't. When I see him now I always think how stylish he looks. It depends if you are open to changing your look/style and being helped along then that's great.

We girls can see potential beneath the bad hair and terrible clothes!

Wear what you feel comfortable in, though slightly stylish if going to a bar - depends on the bar.

Good luck!!!

January 16, 2007

agreed....many times you'll see the best looking dudes with chicks all over them no matter what their personality, intelligence or earning potential. Same with penis size....it really does matter.

And money matters mucho too... in spite of the fact that most women *say* it doesn't matter...

January 16, 2007

I'm best with girls when I open up to them and become me. I don't like the pretense or scripted event. Basically, if a girl likes me for who I'm then I feel comfortable with her and I noticed that the conversation just flows. When I become self aware and start thinking of how I should be acting, I will start feeling awkward and my conversation will seize. So my conversation is like it's between friends with some flirting and laughs thrown in. My idea is to better understand her and it helps if she opens up to you by you opening up to her first. Then I become decisive and set up another date with her. That lets her know I'm interested in her. If I'm not into her then I tell her that I just don't have feelings for her but that I had a good time and wish to remain friends, etc. It's up to her if she wants to or not. I respect her choice and I don't force it.

January 17, 2007

I think girls care more about looks than they say. They always say 'personality matters the most' but reality seems to have a funny way of negating their assertion.

Agreed, but I think with women it's more often a guy's bank account than his looks if we're going to pick something other than personality. How often do you see a good looking woman with an ugly sob? Pretty often. How many times are those ugly guys also poor and with a good looking woman? Very, very rarely.

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I hate small talk and can't get a date

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