extra-ordinary_guy Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I've been dating a woman for two years that I'm not physically attracted to. She's overweight, which I find a turnoff but still I stay in this relationship as it's great in other areas. We have good sex, but it's almost always initiated by her. She has obviously noticed this and when it comes up, always asks if I find her physically attractive, to which I lie and say I do. I say I do, but my actions tell another story. She complains that I don't show her enough affection, and that she doesn't feel special to me. This situation is good for neither of us, yet we both stay together for our own reasons - fear being my main one - fear of the break-up, fear of being alone, fear I'll never have as good a relationship with anyone else and that I'd always regret my decision to split. We are really compatible in other areas of our relationship, which is why it has survived this long. This issue of not finding her physically attractive has surfaced for me many times, even before we started dating, but I've always tried to dismiss it (after not being able to resolve it), but I find that it just keeps resurfacing, and as she says to me lately, she deserves someone that loves her body as well as her personality.
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hard one. I wouldn't call you immature or shallow though. Physical attraction DOES count for something. Is it just her body, or looks, or ?? I mean if she is overweight then maybe you could gently encourage her to reform her body shape. I know everyone says that you should love her for who she is yadda yadda yadda, but I know it's not exactly like that. I am probably in her position at the moment, and I'm working on it because I want to look good for me AND him. Seriously, if you're in such a close relationship I think it's something you should discuss. It may hurt her a little, but I think you're at the point where you have to do something... and if it's not that, then maybe you have to move on completely.
Author extra-ordinary_guy Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Thanks Zaira for your encouraging reply. It's her body that I don't like. I have slowly edged nearer to telling her, but she's already got her own negative self-body image, and I don't really want to add to it. Although as I write that I'm thinking... 'she doesn't like it, but she wants me to like it?' She's in her last year of college with a 9 year old son, so she doesn't exactly have a lot of time for gym/exercise. You are right in that I will have to get honest with her, so the sooner the better.
justagirliegirl Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I don't think shallow and immature are the words I would use. Probably selfish and cruel are better ones. Why are you using this woman and stringing her along?
Author extra-ordinary_guy Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 @justagirliegirl Selfish I'd agree with you but cruel? Please enlighten me.
justagirliegirl Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 @justagirliegirl Selfish I'd agree with you but cruel? Please enlighten me. Don't you think it is a bit mean to stay with someone you aren't that interested in? Say you with with a girl you were crazy about and thought she was the one and she stayed with you and pretended for 2 years all the while thinking she just didn't like your body and was pretty much lukewarm with you and she stayed as it was better than being alone. Would you think she was being cruel for doing that?
Author extra-ordinary_guy Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 I'd be hurt sure. I haven't been stringing her along. I do admit that I've been dishonest with her regarding my physical attraction towards her, but I've stayed with her mainly because I didn't think this problem was bad enough to end an otherwise great relationship. It's got to the stage now where I can't ignore it any longer. I had been friends with this woman for four years before we started dating, and loved her company, her personality, and her sense of humour. I thought this was a good foundation for a romantic relationship. I knew that I didn't find her attractive physically, but I thought I would grow to love her and the physicalities wouldn't matter so much. I've found that they still matter.
CarolAnne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 It's her body that I don't like. I have slowly edged nearer to telling her, but she's already got her own negative self-body image, and I don't really want to add to it. Although as I write that I'm thinking... 'she doesn't like it, but she wants me to like it?' That is sweet that you are taking her feelings into account. That is very important. I'd start by reminding her every time you see her about one or two things that you find beautiful about her - do it for several days at least, you want to lay down a foundation where she is confident that you love her and that your suggestion to start exercising isn't an attack or criticism. Then say something to the effect that you want to start exercising, and really want her to join you because you love her company and need someone there with you to really keep you going. That she would be the best workout partner ever and make it something to do as a couple. Then she won't feel like you are criticizing how she looks and expecting her to go out and fix everything all by herself. Also she may be very self-conscious and this may be what is holding her back from going to the gym. I've definetely felt this way, especially after the winter if I've sort of kicked back and not done much because it was too cold outside, no way I am going to go to the gym in front of really hot athlete people my own age and get tired on the stairmaster after 10 minutes even though they had been doing it for 30 already Anyway whenever I haven't been to workout in a while I always start out by jogging by myself in the evenings when its dark and I feel like no one can see me. Then when I've lost a few pounds from running and built up my endurance I'll go to the gym. Also a friend of mine refuses to *ever* step into a gym, and won't even go running with me unless she has the right socks and the right t-shirt that don't make her look "fat" or her legs "too skinny". It's not an excuse either, I can tell she is genuinely very uncomfortable even when we go jogging in a neighborhood and turns away from cars so they can't see her. I've been in the car with her and her mother and her mom actually points at random people who are walking their dog or whatever and will say things like "look at that fattie" or "my God how can she wear a skirt with those gigantic legs?". So it isn't too surprising to me that my friend is so insecure/ anti-gym. I'd recommend you make it something the two of you can do together and give her all the reasons why it would be a good thing, like - you'll always be there, by her side, so she doesn't feel alone or like people are judging her - it would be great for her son - she'll sleep better - she won't feel bad about herself anymore - prove wrong the people who told her she was fat/ ugly - more self confidence Also go through the grocery list and take out/ replace the "bad" high calorie stuff before you even go to the store! Not bringing home junk is half the battle, especially replacing it with decent substitutes so you don't feel like you are missing out. even though her attractiveness is important to you, don't mention that as a reason because you could discourage her. Try to take it in baby steps and give lots of positive encouragement for every little improvement you see when she starts an exercise routine.
ls3360 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 That is sweet that you are taking her feelings into account. That is very important. I'd start by reminding her every time you see her about one or two things that you find beautiful about her - do it for several days at least, you want to lay down a foundation where she is confident that you love her and that your suggestion to start exercising isn't an attack or criticism. Then say something to the effect that you want to start exercising, and really want her to join you... I'm wondering if they should first have a talk about her weight since I suspect she's sensitive enough to see through the exercise talk as really a weight talk and interpret it as him not liking her weight and not liking her unless it changes. So asking her to exercise (with him) might not be a great way to start the weight conversation seriously for the first time. It might be better to get the topic on the table as something they can talk about rather than setting up a pattern of skirting the subject. After that, then maybe he can talk about exercising together. With that being said, before starting the conversation, he needs to be in a good place regarding her weight. 'a place where he can be totally honest and still have a palatable message for her regarding it. Her weight might not be readily changable. He might need to be prepared for that. Perhaps she even fears that herself.
Author extra-ordinary_guy Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Thanks for the replies. I have suggested exercise before but with her hectic schedule she doesn't have the time at the moment. She says she'll check it out in a few months when college is over. Is having an open discussion about this not the best way to go?
norajane Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 How overweight is she? And how long has she been overweight? If a person is very large, then something as simple as starting to go for walks after dinner can make a difference, and that's something that you can do with her and her son. If you're talking about 20 to 30 pounds, then she needs more exercise than just walking. Perhaps you can suggest doing some other activities, like taking up bike riding with her and her son, or swimming or something. Also, if she is as busy as you say, then where is all the food she's eating coming from? Is it fast food? Maybe you can offer to grocery shop for her, and make her lunches or cook dinners some nights a week and help her get started on a healthier eating regimen.
myboysesmom Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 dont talk to her about her weight...she knows she's overweight, you dont need to address it. Usually when people especially moms with hectic schedules, gain weight, they feel crappy enough already. If you think she doesnt know you arent attracted to her youre wrong. She sees it any time she sees you looking at a skinnier girl. There are men in this world who love big women, and like you, she deserves to be with someone who ADORES her every inch and pound, and You deserve to be able to keep your eyes open during sex....that being said...how do you have good sex when you arent attracted to her??? You are taking advantage of the fact that she loves you, so that you dont feel lonely...not cool...
Zaira Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Thanks for the replies. I have suggested exercise before but with her hectic schedule she doesn't have the time at the moment. She says she'll check it out in a few months when college is over. Is having an open discussion about this not the best way to go?Definately the discussion is a great way to go. However, I think she's making excuses about not having time. Half an hour a day is a VERY good start. I know, because I have a full time job, study at university part time, run my own business, and look after a house, partner and three kids. I use my exercise time as my 'break' too. I stick on the headphones, go for a long walk and clear my mind. I think all you can do is keep encouraging. My partner does that and whilst sometimes I feel like he's putting me down, I know he's not. He wants me to have the body I want as well.
Mezzi Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I really think this girl is being used and I thnk you are unhappy with her. You think she is unattractive and you are just basically is a sexual relationship and nothing else. Maybe it would be best if you broke up.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 my question is why did u get romantically involved with her if u werent physically attracted to her? i know u said u could "grow to love her" but it's def. not the same as having a physical attraction. maybe if u did talk to her she'd do something about it. her "hetic schedule" excuse is just that..an excuse. i'm extremely busy yet i set aside an hour to go to the gym everyday. it means waking up 2 hours before i'd actually have to but i still do it cause i want to stay thin and look good for my boyfriend. maybe if she isnt taking care of her body, u should find a gf who isnt overweight and takes care of herself.
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