moonriver Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hello, this is something that's been bothering me for the past few weeks so I hope anyone can share insight. I'm not very experienced in dating or romance. I underwent very lightweight sexual abuse and much heavier verbal abuse in high school and never told anyone personally. This convinced me to never pursue a romantic relationship. However, several months ago I began dating my current boyfriend. Sometimes I feel really guilty that he loves me because he's the guy a lot of girls say they want. He honestly cares about how I'm feeling, he has a great sense of humour, he never pressures me to do anything I don't want to do (he totally accepted my choice to wait until marriage to have a sexual relationship), he is genuinely interested in learning about my hobbies, etc. He's been nothing but extremely attentive and loving. Plus, he's extremely intelligent and good-looking. Our relationship is part distance (we live in separate countries) and part extremely close (we live on the same floor in University and spend almost all of our time together). However, what I feel is that I don't really have a spark for him except for every once in awhile; sometimes when we go dancing, and the first time I saw him after being apart for nearly a month--sometimes I have moments like this where I forget everything and know that I love him. I don't think the problem I'm having is because we're incompatible, I think it's more because I'm being emotionally detached. I'm terrified of losing him, and know that he is capable of a much better girlfriend than myself. I'm afraid of losing him, but I'm also afraid of getting closer to him. This seems to cause sort of a curtain between us. I tend to be a very introverted person. I can't stand being around even my best friend for more than a few hours before I start feeling really worn out. However, I am able to be with my boyfriend for hours and never really tire of his company. Again, I don't feel that we have an incompatibility problem. I think the root of this problem completely lies with my self confidence, but sometimes I wonder if I really just don't love him, that he isn't the one I'm supposed to be with, etc. I know this isn't helped by my fear of commitment, which I think is an obvious problem: I have a hard time committing to anything--I've changed my major three or four times in school, I'll go through several pairs of clothes in the morning before I finally realize I won't be on time if I just don't choose, and I hate tying myself down to things I know I cannot change. I want to get past this obstacle and either know that I love him or don't. I don't want to leave him and then realise my mistake; I know he's the person I've dreamt of having as a boyfriend for a long, long time. I don't want to make a rash decision because I'm emotional. Right now I just really want direction and advice of all sorts.
Walk Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Wow, that's a really tough spot to be in. You sound like I felt when I was in my early 20's. Not sure I have any great advice that will create revolutionary epiphany's... I think you're putting too much emphasis on the relationship. He might not be the person you end up with years down the road. He may be just who you need in your life right now. I get the impression that you view things as life or death. That it's going to ultimately destroy your entire future if you make the wrong choice, then you get hung up on the decision and can't decide. I know this is so cliche, but people change so much between 20 and 30. What you need and want in your life right now, will not be what you need or want even 5 years from now. I have a question though.. when you say you don't feel a "spark" for him, what do you mean? Like... when you two are hanging out then you don't get those butterfly feelings, or you don't have any desire to ever have sex with him? Or, you don't have any interest in kissing him or touching him? How would you define "spark"?
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