goldengyrl Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I'm just confused. Me and my guy have been dating for a few months and I recently found out that he has an addiction to meeting people online. He says he chats with them but never meets them and has no interest in meeting them. I don't know whether to trust that or not. I don't understand why he feels the need to meet new women when he has me. Would anybody else consider this a form of cheating?
Pink Amulet Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Yuck- I definitely would not put up with this blatant disregard for you, and your relationship. Why does he feel the need to meet "people" online? Are these people all "women"? I would safely assume so. You need to say you are not comfortable with this and he needs to decide which is worth more to him.
Walk Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Is it mostly women? Or an even spread between the genders? I wouldn't label it cheating, but I sure would wonder if our core values were compatible for a serious relationship. Personally, I'd think he has self-esteem issues. Always looking for validation and ego boost he can mooch off a stranger. Unless it's for a specific hobby, or interest that he's really gung-ho about, then I would believe he's "chatting" up these women in order to bolster up his weak and pathetic self-esteem. Which would cause me to lose respect for him, and I'd ultimately leave. So, No. I don't think it's cheating by the socially accept definition. But that sure doesn't mean it's conducive to a healthy happy relationship.
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I'm going through something similar with my BF of 6 months. He says he just needs it for the contact. I know he just doesn't have the time to be meeting other women, but it still bothers me heaps. We've discussed it lately and it basically comes down to whether or not I trust him. He has just asked me to move in, and basically spends 24/7 with me when he's not working away (it's a remote minesite, so I don't think he's using it to hook up with women whilst he's away ). I understand that he may need contact with other women, but I was peeved that it was from an online dating site. I've asked him to stop, and he has basically admitted that what he did was wrong (because it hurt me), but he says it was completely innocent and he'd never betray me. If he wanted to be with other women, he would. I'm sure that's true, I just have to convince myself 100% It comes down to the same thing though. Do you trust that he won't use it as a tool for meeting other women? Without a trust, I don't think you can work on a decent relationship.
Author goldengyrl Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 They're all women... It's this whole Myspace crap. We've argued about it time and time again but he insists on how he would never cheat and it's just for fun. Last week he told me how women never try to talk to him in person... I think it might be a self-esteem issue but I still feel betrayed.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Does he hide the chat window when you walk in the room? Would he be willing to show you the conversations he has with these women? If not, then it's one of those "what she doesn't know won't hurt her, it's online and means nothing"...But the thing is, if that is the case, his ego is being fed and he's doing this more than just for kicks.
Author goldengyrl Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 And yes Zaira, you're right about the trust issue. That's something I need to work on. I was cheated on once (not by this guy, but my ex-fiance) and I never got over it. I went crazy for a minute I do believe... I was so focused on revenge revenge revenge while in the meantime my fiance insisted it was a mistake. He died shortly after in a car crash and I have been in a whirl of confusion ever since. Thanks for the advice
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 ...but he insists on how he would never cheat and it's just for fun.. Like me, I think you need to decide whether you're willing to test that out. I mean part of me is saying "Oh, I can't trust you" and I want to walk, but EVERYTHING else in our relationship is perfect so if it really is just innocent banter then maybe I'm doing myself a disfavour. It's damn confusing that's for sure. At the end of the day though I think I'll end up moving in. I don't feel like playing detective on him to see whether he's still contacting other women, and I'm very sure that if he does start meeting others, I'll figure it out very quickly.
Pink Amulet Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 There are plenty of other things in a relationship besides cheating which can cause pain worthy of leaving.
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