Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hi there, I need your advice. I think I'm going nuts. I have a friend I have fallen in love with... at least I think I have. Don't know what to make of these strong feelings I have developed for him. I have known him for three years but have gotten close to him within the past year. He is married and I am married. We both have children as well. The chemistry between us is intense and addicting, yet insanely enough I am not sure if it is one sided or not. Not that I should really be so concerned with it... for obvious reasons. I'd like to think I am in tune with signals I receive from the opposite sex, but I'm not sure or maybe I'm just scared to know that this man could possibly feel the same as I do. I get strong vibes from him that he would like more, but is just as afraid as I am to pursue anything we might regret later. What tortures me on a daily basis is that I would love to know what it would be like to be with him, knowing perfectly well what could happen if I crossed that line towards being unfaithful to my husband whom has done nothing wrong to deserve such treatment. I could lose my comfortable lifestyle as well as damage my children. I do not want to take a risk, but the more I see him and interact with him the more I fall in love. I have never in my life felt so strongly for another. It scares me and I would like it to stop! I feel as though I have a broken heart eventhough nothing has been said to one another nor anything physical has happened. Emotionally I am a wreck. Please help.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 First of all, read the definition of limmerence at this link...[COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR] and tell me what you think.
Craig Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I do not want to take a risk, but the more I see him and interact with him the more I fall in love. Well first of all what you are experiencing is not love. Love must involve amongst other things thought and consideration for the other person's best interests and well being. So lets toss the word love out. On the other hand you have a husband that doesn't deserve an unfaithful wife, children that would be hurt and quite possibly damaged for decades if you had an affair and so does the object of your thoughts. I don't know if anyone can help you, assist maybe but you are going to have to do all the work and thinking about what to do. There is one thing that I can guarantee you with 99.99% certainty and that is that if you decide to act upon your feelings you will cause a lot of pain for many people including yourself. Since you are "going nuts" this would be an ideal opportunity to get some professional counseling and maybe that would help you sort things through without causing damage to two families.
bklk1227 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Well first of all what you are experiencing is not love. Love must involve amongst other things thought and consideration for the other person's best interests and well being. So lets toss the word love out. Well said Craig. Love is definitely not a feeling and is always an action. You are feeling the intense emotions associated with the connection to the OM. I am dealing with the same thing in my relationship. I think a great tool in trying to figure out "love" is the chapter on Love in "Road Less Travelled". It raises some good questions about things - I wish my wife would've read it before emabrking on her affair which is now tearing her apart. You filling an emotional need you aren't getting from you husband with this guy. Think about what you and your husband has been going through while that connection was being formed with the OM. Figure out what need the OM is filling for you and see if your husband can be given the oppotunity to fill that need instead. Good luck... but consider the vast reactions to your actions before you take this to another level.
Mustang Sally Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hi there. Not sure I will offer any more helpful advice than what has already been offered, but I will say that you are not abnormal to be having these feelings and going through this experience. I'm also not saying that everyone in a good marriage/relationship has infatuations with other people (although, I would tend to think that it is quite common), but it certainly doesn't make you a crazy person or mean that there is any particular thing wrong with you. Humans are sexual beings. Thus, these kinds of feelings may come up once and again, outside of your commited relationship. The crux is what you do, or more importantly, DON'T do with them, as I'm sure you will see from the advice you get here. I personally don't think there is a problem with keeping this in your fantasy-life until you eventually tire of the situation, and the feeling wears itself out. That is what I have done in the past when faced with a similar situation. I've been there too. Good luck working it all out.
Sup Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Why not tell your husband the way you feel towards the OM, he may get mad, sure, but wouldn't you if it was the other way around? You're going to have to quit your job if you want to save your marriage.
seibert253 Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 All marriages seem to go through a "bored" phase where one or both partners wants or needs a little excitment to spice things up. This is normal. You seem to be in this phase and you've found this guy exciting. Please don't make a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life. Tell your husband what's missing in your marriage. Who knows, he may be feeling the same. A little change and added spice will work wonders for your relationship.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 All marriages seem to go through a "bored" phase where one or both partners wants or needs a little excitment to spice things up. This is normal. You seem to be in this phase and you've found this guy exciting. Please don't make a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life. Tell your husband what's missing in your marriage. Who knows, he may be feeling the same. A little change and added spice will work wonders for your relationship. I agree with this post. The chemistry between us is intense and addicting, And I'm sure during the honeymoon phase with your husband, when you two first met, it was just like that. Electric, sexual and lusty...Great hot sex, can't get enough of eachother...Just like it is at the beginning of relationships... I think that is what you miss from your husband, that intensity, and new feeling, that excitement. You even say it's addictive!! The problem is, this man is bringing out those feelings in you and you're confusing that with "being inlove." All is good right now, you feel great but it's all based on fantasy and good feelings - Not reality when people have stinky breath, bad moods, stressful stuff going on, kids, inlaws, whatever else that can bring on stress... DO you believe that this man is worth giving up your marriage, your children, your life? Is some hot sex worth losing all that you love and worked hard for? Think about your choices...Please.
silktricks Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Everyone here is giving you really good advice. Especially the advice about spicing up your marriage. Sometimes it's easy to look at someone and think "If only. . ." Your situation, though is fraught with possible problems. The first and obvious is that you are married. Secondarily, he is married. Thirdly, you don't know if he's interested in you. Fourth, you WORK with the man??? Give yourself, your marriage, his marriage and your job a break. Stop fantasizing about something you don't have and concentrate instead on what you DO have. Work to make your marriage what it was in the beginning. If you are bored, DO something. Make arrangements for yourself and your husband. DON'T tell your husband that you are lusting after someone else, that will only hurt him. (It would be different if you had actually done something, but thankfully, you haven't.) Don't think about this other man and stop putting him on a pedestal. He's just a guy that you don't live with, so you don't know all of his little idiosyncracies that would probably drive you crazy. You have a family. You have a husband. Work on making your life better, not worse. Good luck.
bklk1227 Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 There is some really good advice here. I wish my W came here before embarking on her affair. What a great community!
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 There is some really good advice here. I wish my W came here before embarking on her affair. What a great community! Funny thing happened to me within the past few days. My friend has been very distant with me for the past 3-4 days. He acts like he doesn' even like me anymore. he totally ignores me and doesn't pay any attention to me anymore. I know it sounds so juvenile, but my feelings for him have been genuine and as much as I would like to turn off my feelings for him,it is going to take some time. If any time was a good enough time to start getting over him, it is certainly now! It's almost as if everything that has lead me to believe he was very interested in me has all been in my head. He gave me so many subtle signs. Could I have read them all wrong? I also wanted to thank all of you for your priceless advice you have given me. I have carefully read each and everyones responses and I must say they all make a lot sense to me, but of course I am having trouble turning off these feeling I have for him. I imagine it will take some time and effort on my part. Hopefully I can succeed. I have been married almost 12 years and I had been pretty content and satisfied or so I thought until I met my friend. Everything changed after I met him. Feelings I had never felt before surfaced and changed the way I felt about my husband. I no longer am as attracted to him as I once was. I would love to be back to where I once was before I met my friend. But how do I do it? My husband deserves better, and I do know enough that I must work on this before it's too late. I want nothing more than to resolve this. Again, thank you all for taking time and responding to my dilema.
silktricks Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 I no longer am as attracted to him as I once was. I would love to be back to where I once was before I met my friend. But how do I do it? You work at it. You DON'T fanatasize about another man. You think of wonderful things to do with your husband. There's a saying out there "fake it till you make it". This is about the only instance where I actually believe that has some benefit. If you act like you are deeply in love with him, soon you will be once again.
Guest Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 You work at it. You DON'T fanatasize about another man. You think of wonderful things to do with your husband. There's a saying out there "fake it till you make it". This is about the only instance where I actually believe that has some benefit. If you act like you are deeply in love with him, soon you will be once again. It is very difficult to stop fantasizing about someone you have developed feelings for. I really do not want to hurt anymore, so my only option is to try and take your advice and see how it goes.
jmargel Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 This is how affairs start.. and 6 months from now you'll be on here crying on how you are now losing your husband, children and how the things you thought were going to be with this OM, didn't happen. When you only see the good side of a person it could be easy to become attracted to them, just like you did with your husband. Live with them everyday, and see how they really are. Once the charm and novelty wears off, it's a whole other ballgame.
Meaplus3 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Hi there, I need your advice. I think I'm going nuts. I have a friend I have fallen in love with... at least I think I have. Don't know what to make of these strong feelings I have developed for him. I have known him for three years but have gotten close to him within the past year. He is married and I am married. We both have children as well. The chemistry between us is intense and addicting, yet insanely enough I am not sure if it is one sided or not. Not that I should really be so concerned with it... for obvious reasons. I'd like to think I am in tune with signals I receive from the opposite sex, but I'm not sure or maybe I'm just scared to know that this man could possibly feel the same as I do. I get strong vibes from him that he would like more, but is just as afraid as I am to pursue anything we might regret later. What tortures me on a daily basis is that I would love to know what it would be like to be with him, knowing perfectly well what could happen if I crossed that line towards being unfaithful to my husband whom has done nothing wrong to deserve such treatment. I could lose my comfortable lifestyle as well as damage my children. I do not want to take a risk, but the more I see him and interact with him the more I fall in love. I have never in my life felt so strongly for another. It scares me and I would like it to stop! I feel as though I have a broken heart eventhough nothing has been said to one another nor anything physical has happened. Emotionally I am a wreck. Please help. Hi, I want to you to know that I can very much relate to what you are feeling right now. I was you about 18 months ago. Had very strong feeling's for a MM I am a MW. I made the wrong choice by telling him of my feeling's. The more I hung around the more I became addicted to him. This all lead to a very heated Emotional affair. The affair continued for over a year and let me tell you, Nothing good has come from it! I was very close to losing all that I have and love in my life. I should have NEVER told him of my feeling's, and just kept them as a fantasy in my own mind. While it might be true that this MM has strong feeling's for you GUEST don't go there like I did you will very much regret it if you do. I know having these feeling's are tough, but you can overcome them. If it's making you want him more by seeing him, talking with him then you need to STOP NOW and go the NC route or else you will be traveling down a road that you never would have wanted to travel. Best to you. AP:)
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Funny thing happened to me within the past few days. My friend has been very distant with me for the past 3-4 days. He acts like he doesn' even like me anymore. he totally ignores me and doesn't pay any attention to me anymore. I know it sounds so juvenile, but my feelings for him have been genuine and as much as I would like to turn off my feelings for him,it is going to take some time. If any time was a good enough time to start getting over him, it is certainly now! It's almost as if everything that has lead me to believe he was very interested in me has all been in my head. He gave me so many subtle signs. Could I have read them all wrong? I also wanted to thank all of you for your priceless advice you have given me. I have carefully read each and everyones responses and I must say they all make a lot sense to me, but of course I am having trouble turning off these feeling I have for him. I imagine it will take some time and effort on my part. Hopefully I can succeed. I have been married almost 12 years and I had been pretty content and satisfied or so I thought until I met my friend. Everything changed after I met him. Feelings I had never felt before surfaced and changed the way I felt about my husband. I no longer am as attracted to him as I once was. I would love to be back to where I once was before I met my friend. But how do I do it? My husband deserves better, and I do know enough that I must work on this before it's too late. I want nothing more than to resolve this. Again, thank you all for taking time and responding to my dilema. It sounds like your MM friend has had second thoughts, doubts and realized that by letting himself get involved with you he will lose his wife, his children, his life, friends, inlaws, everything that he's built in the past xx amount of years. GOOD FOR HIM. Now, you need to follow in his footsteps, respect his request (if he tells you NO MORE contact or flirting etc) and focus your energy into your husband, your own life...Those feelings WILL come back once the MM is out of your heart, your blood. You just let yourself get carried away with the intense sexual lust feelings (NOT LOVE) that happen when you first begin a relationship... You work at it, go to marriage counselling, talk it out. Let your husband know that you need to find yourself, find that lovin' feelin' again! He'll help you if you let him. It is very difficult to stop fantasizing about someone you have developed feelings for. I really do not want to hurt anymore, so my only option is to try and take your advice and see how it goes. You MAKE yourself stop because fantasizing about the MM is not going to help you get over him. It's not going to fix your marriage or re-connect with your husband. Everytime you think of MM, distract yourself, change your thoughts to your husband, or to your children.
movinon05 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I was once in your shoes too. For a year I started developing feelings for the MM and fantasizing but never had any intention of acting on it, only to come to find out that he had been feeling the same way for a year and then everything fell apart. It does sound like your MM is backing off. I suggest you do everything you can to do the same and redirect your energies into your M. If you want to see the devastation that can happen from acting on this, feel free to look up my story.
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Hi, I want to you to know that I can very much relate to what you are feeling right now. I was you about 18 months ago. Had very strong feeling's for a MM I am a MW. I made the wrong choice by telling him of my feeling's. The more I hung around the more I became addicted to him. This all lead to a very heated Emotional affair. The affair continued for over a year and let me tell you, Nothing good has come from it! I was very close to losing all that I have and love in my life. I should have NEVER told him of my feeling's, and just kept them as a fantasy in my own mind. While it might be true that this MM has strong feeling's for you GUEST don't go there like I did you will very much regret it if you do. I know having these feeling's are tough, but you can overcome them. If it's making you want him more by seeing him, talking with him then you need to STOP NOW and go the NC route or else you will be traveling down a road that you never would have wanted to travel. Best to you. AP:) You are right, and I thank you. I most likely will regret my actions if I continue with my inappropriate behavior. I can only imagine that if I continue hanging around him, eventually I would end up verbally expressing my feelings towards him. That would put me in a very vulnerable position. I can't let my feelings for him cloud my judgement. My reality is that I have a good husband and children I love very much. I do not want to hurt them and lose myself along with it. I need to be strong and get over him. Hopefully this phase will not last so that my normal life can continue as it once was before I ever met him.
Guest Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I was once in your shoes too. For a year I started developing feelings for the MM and fantasizing but never had any intention of acting on it, only to come to find out that he had been feeling the same way for a year and then everything fell apart. It does sound like your MM is backing off. I suggest you do everything you can to do the same and redirect your energies into your M. If you want to see the devastation that can happen from acting on this, feel free to look up my story. movinon05- I read your story and I feel for you. I'm sorry you have had to go through all that ugliness. I will take your advice and try to redirect my energies towards fixing my marriage.
Guest Posted February 2, 2007 Posted February 2, 2007 movinon05- I read your story and I feel for you. I'm sorry you have had to go through all that ugliness. I will take your advice and try to redirect my energies towards fixing my marriage. I hope that you will get strong and do what's right because i am in the same situation myself. I cry everynight from just wanting to be with him.
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