marc from MI Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 i posted a week ago tonight about how my gf of 2.5 years up and dumped me without warning, without an explanation. we were primed to get engaged, married, have kids , the whole nine yards. we were in love like crazy. BTW im 27 shes 26 . we both experienced things that we had never had before, fulfillment beyond belief. Dec 30 she dumped me without reason or rhyme. i ws devastated. she didnt want to talk about saying she needed space. i was torn to pieces the entire week, going back and forth in my mind between hope and realization of loss. so heres the update: i go out tonight with a buddy and im feeling extremely down about all this. we go to a local pub and order some food. he asks me if i would be pissed if i found out that she was dating someone else? i was floored ....WHAT? he began to tell me than on new years eve night, (the day after she broke up with me) he saw her with another guy. not kissing or holding hands just hanging out. i couldnt believe it. i wanted to throw up. i immediately broke NC that we had agreed upon for two weeks and called her. i asked her to tell me straight up and she admitted that she was starting to have feelings for a guy she worked with and this was why she broke up with me. she began to cry . she claimed that she hadnt done anything with him and that she is confused. i said " so we're done then, you didnt need time to figure things out, you needed time to get me out of the way." she says that she doesnt want to lose contact with me and that i am very important to her. i feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and sad for our lost love. She even admitted to me on the phone that she had experienced love like never before with me but it just wasnt there anymore. here's my problem: I still love this girl, she says that she doesnt want to lose contact with me and that she still loves being around me and that she loves so much about me. All of our friends are the same and that is not gonna change so what should i do? should i remain her friend or should i just not speak to her? we will run into each other again. I understand that all this means that she dos not want me, i can accept that i guess, but i want to leave the door open for us to talk in the future and maybe rebuild something. What if shes making a mistake and realizes that i am the one?
Guest Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 You should do research and see how common this sort of thing is. The best advice is to have no contact, in my opinion. I and countless others have been through the same thing. She screwed you over. And as perfect as you thought your relationship was, it obviously didn't withstand the temptations all relationships must withstand to be meaningful. Only when she comes to the realization that may actually lose you (NO CONTACT) will she come crawling back. If you maintain contact with her, you actually push her away. Sounds funny, but it is oh-so-true. And no, your relationship is not more special than anyone else's, so please don't convince yourself that you can reason with her and talk her into coming back to you. That happens SO rarely. Enjoy your hobbies, friends, and family for now. And quit talking to her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 What if shes making a mistake and realizes that i am the one? She won't realize that if you remain "friends". If you remain "friends", she gets to keep you around and enjoy those things she still likes about you, while eliminating those things she doesn't like about you by cutting you off romantically. Why go through the trouble of getting back with someone when you don't have to? If you are going to "be there" for her while you are broken up, she will have no motivation to get back with you. She'll be getting what she wants from you - and therefore have no motivation to change the situation. "Friends" would work 100% for her, and 0% for you. The only way she is going to see if she made a mistake or not, is by you walking out of her life completely. You can "leave the door open" for her emotionally, but there is no reason for you to be hovering right there in the doorway waiting for her. Leave the door open, but turn and walk away. Tell her that you love her, and want to be with her, but that you will not settle for "friends". Then, follow through. Be polite, but not friendly. If she gives you a hassle about it, remind her that you will be there for her, only when she is ready to be there 100% for you. Make yourself the prize - something she has to work for, not the doormat she gets to use as "friends".
bubbalump Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 You have to cut contact. If you remain friends , which no matter what you say , your not ready to do , all that will come is hurt. You need space for yourself. No contact.
Nanachu Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Marc, Also, think this way... How do we know the new guy is a perfect BF for her? If he is not, it may speed up her realizing how great BF you were. She may also learn more quickly about her own problems. People change, but will not change to people who impose the lesson to them. Let the new guy do the job for you. Each time I broke up, I feel that I became a better person. My new BF can enjoy improved me who learned something from the past BFs. The past BFs had to put up with me for me to make my new guy happier, you know? Unfortunately, there is a possibility that the new guy is perfect and she will move on and be happy with the guy. But, we never know. The way she treated you was not sincere coming to the break up process. People attract similar people. The new guy could be immature and selfish (possibly dumped his ex and told her that he has not done anything with this new girl and is confused). Your ex lied to you even though she meant to be a white lie (avoiding hurting you too much). How do you know she is telling you the truth this time? I think she is not confused with her feeling about who she wants to be with. She is clear that she wants to be with the new guy. She could be unsure whether she is making a right decision as she does not know how much the new guy can provide for her. She knows what she gets from you, but there are tons of risky unknown factors from the new guy. Let her be with the new guy and learn a lesson from being with the guy and hopfully learn how great you are and appreciate you better. Meanwhile, you may want to tell your friends not to update you about her news. It sounds like those information are only keeping you think about her more rather than moving on. Good luck. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t109083/
Nanachu Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Also, keep investing your time on yourself. That's what I am doing now (as I mentioned before, I am doing NC with my ex who dumped me. I am hoping he will come back to me after realizing his own issues). I lost 20 pounds, now wearing size 0 from 4, read tons of books realizing my own issues, started to meet new people who can teach me new things, etc.. My co-workers have been surprised with my new look and positive attitude. I am hoping that I will be completely leved ahead when my ex finally comes back to me after going through similar relationships with equally immature girls.
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