vanilla73 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 About 3 years I started a new job. I met a man at work and we connected immediately. He's married with 3 children. To give alittle back ground on him, he didnt marry his W until his oldest child was 4. She's now 9. Things got started up quick between us. Through out the 3 years we've both tried to break it off. Somehow we would end up back in each others arms. I finally put my foot down and ended it. He tells me that its hurting him for us to not be alteast friends. I do love him and he knows it. He hasnt told me that he loves me but I can see it in his eyes that he does. We've talked about us being together and I dont want to chance him never being able to see his children. He does love them dearly. He's now my boss and he lets me get away with anything. Even after I've told him that I dont want him in my life. I only do that for respect of his children. I love them as much as I love him. Should I continue to not be his "anything" or should I keep being his friend? (just friends) I want him in my life but we dont have the time together that we use to any more and I miss him. Not sure what to do here.
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 So he's not going to leave his wife for you? Hmmm, it sounds to me you've taken one small step to moving on, but you actually need to RUN! If he did love you, he'd leave. Using children as an excuse is rubbish I think. There are plenty of measures in place for separated parents to have contact with their children. You honestly deserve better. Convince yourself and then take the other steps to get the fella out of your life. (I don't want to say he's using you, but it sure as hell looks like it - sorry).
GreenEyedLady Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I don't see how you can be "just friends" with someone you're in love with and have been physical with...I also think that the fact that you break up and get back together alot shows that you won't be able to pull off a "friends only" R...IMO...
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Somehow we would end up back in each others arms. I finally put my foot down and ended it. He tells me that its hurting him for us to not be alteast friends. Well if you do the 'friends' thing again, won't you end up back in each others arms again..? So he's hurting, so what? It's his choice to stay married, he has to live with that decision and ALL its implications! You do what's best for you. And that is exactly what you have done... ended it with him. Don't fall for his emotional pleas... he's really not being fair on you
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 agree with the others the "just friends"leads back to A. i tried it with Xmm after i broke up with him (only by phone ) he kept on trying to see me ,make sexual comments,then on day i got pissed & went off and told him i have no F******reason to talk to him. havent spoke to him since,you will have other friends if not building up to the A would you really or were you ever just friends? its a hard thing to do i wish you luck if you truly do not want to be in a A with him i would be very careful.
ratingsguy Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 What has he told you about his relationship with his W? If he doesn't at the very least have plans to file for divorce, you should initiate a NC. And you're not being mean by doing that, but he (and you) have to make a decision about how you want to go forward. It seems to me like you're just going in circles. Think long and hard about what YOU want and need, communicate that to him, find out where he stands, then if he won't compromise, start up a NC period. As GEL would say, you guys need a "heart to heart".
Author vanilla73 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 We met today for about 30 min. He told me that he feels bad about braking my heart and the reason he gave me easy things to do at work was his way of saying he's sorry for hurting me. He's still determined for us to be friends and still hang out. Said he never ment for these feelings to come about. So I asked if he had no "feelings" for me then how could have he and I happened? He said he couldnt answer that but he was just wanting to have fun...and if he knew it would have gotten to this point, then he would have never done it. I fear that if I contiue to be friends with him, things will start back up and he says they wont. I think he truely is sorry that I'm hurting the way I am. Its really hard for me to say no to him. He keeps asking what it is I want him to do and I'm not really sure. He doesnt love me, he wont leave his W, but its important that I atleast remain his friend. So he says. Tells me that I'm fun to hang out with and that I understand and listen to him.
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 We met today for about 30 min. He told me that he feels bad about braking my heart and the reason he gave me easy things to do at work was his way of saying he's sorry for hurting me. He's still determined for us to be friends and still hang out. Said he never ment for these feelings to come about. So I asked if he had no "feelings" for me then how could have he and I happened? He said he couldnt answer that but he was just wanting to have fun...and if he knew it would have gotten to this point, then he would have never done it. I fear that if I contiue to be friends with him, things will start back up and he says they wont. I think he truely is sorry that I'm hurting the way I am. Its really hard for me to say no to him. He keeps asking what it is I want him to do and I'm not really sure. He doesnt love me, he wont leave his W, but its important that I atleast remain his friend. So he says. Tells me that I'm fun to hang out with and that I understand and listen to him. Hey V.... Ex-MM did that to me....wanted to keep the friend thing going....you know deep down in your heart what the truth is...I did, but wanted I guess to keep things going. He could use this job thing against you, I would look for another job. Ex-MM told me the same thing...he had no one to talk to, maybe that was the truth, but it's not my problem....he had the choice to leave if it was that bad...he also said I was his best friend....I told him, you wife should be your best friend, not me....
puddleofmud Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 Of course you are fun to hang out with because YOU are YOU! How much more fun could it get! You are available sexy, beautiful, SINGLE, girl! He is boring unvailable married man.... Let's see: Sexy, available single gorgeous girl with her entire life wide open vs. (he has stated such) unavailable man w/ huge responsibilities? Which is more attractive to the un-trained eye> which one is available to all the adventures life has to offer>which on is LEGALLY available to all the adventures life has to offer>which one can LEAVE and do what they please to pursue life and all it has to offer? Hmmm, I think I choose the available single gorgeous girl to have all she wants from life with as many adventures as she wishes! Choose well, sweet thing!
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 He doesnt love me, he wont leave his W, but its important that I atleast remain his friend. So he says. Tells me that I'm fun to hang out with and that I understand and listen to him. ME ME ME ME ME...It's all about him, not you. YOU are there to be HIS friend. YOU are there to listen to him, to understand him. To make him feel good and laugh. What about YOU? What are you going to get out of this friendship? Still have feelings for him? By doing this, you'll be preventing yourself from letting go, moving on and finding a single man worthy of your time, effort and heart. Atleast he's being honest with you but at the same time, selfishly...I hope you see this.
pureinheart Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 ME ME ME ME ME...It's all about him, not you. YOU are there to be HIS friend. YOU are there to listen to him, to understand him. To make him feel good and laugh. What about YOU? What are you going to get out of this friendship? Still have feelings for him? By doing this, you'll be preventing yourself from letting go, moving on and finding a single man worthy of your time, effort and heart. Atleast he's being honest with you but at the same time, selfishly...I hope you see this. Tell the truth!
pd219 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 New poster here......hope I'm hitting the right buttons. I've been the OW for 2 yrs now. I had an A with my best friend at work. We knew each other for a little over 2 years before stepping over that line. Since then, I have seperated from my husband, taken another job and tried numerous times to "quit" this guy. We are in the NC stage again right now. Getting to my point....I've been to a therapist and a psychiatrist to help me get over this whole thing. I want to remain friends with him, but my T & P say no way. You can't be friends. When you are really ready to move on, you can't look back. Guess, I keep looking back.
puddleofmud Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 If you break NC what does it bring you? Does it bring old memories that re-connect with the "tapes" in your head/ heart), possibilities of continuing the affair (perhaps not the PA but the EA)? Would breaking NC allow you to go forward w/ your life or would it delay your dis-engagement? I am certain your therapist is wise that the latter would be more likely delay). One is at a cross road when re-visiting past situations come in to "play". You are to be credited for coming to that cross-road. But it is your choice as taking the road which is more beneficial. Take some time and think before you make a decision--you don't have to make one this minute, this day or week. Take time so that when you do make a choice you can live with that choice and know you have chosen wisely and it fits what you want for your future! Best Wishes!
frannie Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 I fear that if I contiue to be friends with him, things will start back up and he says they wont. I think he truely is sorry that I'm hurting the way I am. Its really hard for me to say no to him. He keeps asking what it is I want him to do and I'm not really sure. He doesnt love me, he wont leave his W, but its important that I atleast remain his friend. So he says. Tells me that I'm fun to hang out with and that I understand and listen to him. Why is it so hard for you to say no to him? That's what you need to work on.
pd219 Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 If you break NC what does it bring you? Does it bring old memories that re-connect with the "tapes" in your head/ heart), possibilities of continuing the affair (perhaps not the PA but the EA)? Would breaking NC allow you to go forward w/ your life or would it delay your dis-engagement? I am certain your therapist is wise that the latter would be more likely delay). One is at a cross road when re-visiting past situations come in to "play". You are to be credited for coming to that cross-road. But it is your choice as taking the road which is more beneficial. Take some time and think before you make a decision--you don't have to make one this minute, this day or week. Take time so that when you do make a choice you can live with that choice and know you have chosen wisely and it fits what you want for your future! Best Wishes! I miss him terribly. I think about him everyday and miss conversation more than any physical contact. He is my best friend. I'm almost positive that he will try to contact today.
Author vanilla73 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 I dont know how to say no to him. That's why I've come here was to get some help to move on. And I still have to deal with him at work and people notice that he and I aren't "as freindly" as we used to. Neither of us have admitted to the A to people at work but people can read between the lines. Most of the time I have to work right next to him. And I'm not able to quite my job. A good paying job is Real hard to come by around here. This has become my first step in getting help. Which I'd rather get advice from people with similar situations, here, than go to a shrink. Its gone far enough for me, that everything I do, I think, ok will he like this? And everyone I talk to, I talk to as if he were standing next to me. I tell other guys that attempt to flirt with me that I'm sorry but my heart is taken. Right off the bat. The only thing I know right now is that I'm lost and heart broken. I know I need to move on but I'm not sure how to do it. I just wish I could wake up one morning and not have ANY feelings for him at all and all the hurt will go away. Can anyone give me advice on how they got over the hurt a MM brought you?
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I tell other guys that attempt to flirt with me that I'm sorry but my heart is taken. Right off the bat. You have to emotionally detach yourself from the MMBoss. You don't have to date other men yet, but don't close the door to them either. You need to heal yourself and get over him, mend your heart. And I'm sure it's hard to do when the guy is right there all day more or less in your face. When you think of him, push the thoughts away. Do not fantasize or anything about him when you're at home. At work, keep conversations to professional things, and really try not to worry about what he is thinking or feeling. It doesn't matter anymore...Keep telling yourself this. Act like you don't care, like nothing is bothering you at work, eventually your actions and what you feel will just happen naturally over time. It sucks, and I'm sure it will be difficult for you, but things have to be the way they are because he's married and your boss. He should have known better to let something start up, seeing as he's in the position of power - But you knew going in the situation and the work policy of no dating too. Don't mean to sound harsh, but the sooner you take a step back and just see things for what they are, it will help you move through this easier. The other alternative is, just start seeing whatelse is out there jobwise. You don't have to tell anyone about it, just see what else is available. Who knows? You could land another wonderful job somewhere else!
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