One last meeting before going on NC?

[Danita]

Hi everyone

 

This forum is a lifesaver. Barely 4 hours ago I was sitting at the computer, panic clawing at my heart and feeling like I had to run to the toilet to throw up.

 

And then I got stuck in here via google and now I'm actually smiling.

 

I'm very eager to start the No Contact thing. No, scratch that -- I'm in no way eager, and I know it's going to kill me, but even before I stumbled upon this forum and the NC concept, I knew that was the only thing left to do.

 

Before I go on NC though, I have a question. Briefly, this is my situtation:

I've been, or had been in a relationship with my ex, "George", for about a year. Prior to that, I was in a rebound relationship for about 4 months and before that, I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for almost 7 years. This is the first time I've been been single since I started dating at 18.

 

Basically, the current split happened largely because I cheated on "George". For the second time. I shan't go into details because it'll only make this post unbearably long to read. Things had been a bit shaky before the incident and I'm sure better communication would have helped.

 

So anyway, I told George what happened and he went away for almost 3 weeks to "think things over". He rang me for a chat a week into the break and replied to a message on NYE, but that was it. And then a few days ago he comes round to mine's and tells me ambiguously that it is over.

 

Only thing is, I didn't realise that "I still love you, but things can't go back to the way they once were" meant "it's over". I thought it meant I had to bloody work my arse off to regain his trust. And fair enough. But that wasn't it.

We had a lovely time cuddling on the couch, the sex was amazing (predictably) and he looked at me in a way he hadn't had in a long time. And then as we talked, it dawned on me that he actually meant we were over and I completely lost it. I'm not a heavy drinker, but had been drinking almost everyday for the past 3 weeks and I was also drinking that day.

 

So I cried, alot. And we talked and there were recriminations and he thought I was pouring all the blame on him. He left, I rang him, even more drunken and teary and made him angrier than ever.

 

OK, so I know I completely screwed up in the way I handled it. He says he still loves me and still wants to be with me, but has worked out in his head that we will only destroy each other. He is afraid that he may regret this, though.

 

THE QUESTION

I'm not going to contact him for as long as I can, because I owe it to him, and to myself, but before I do so, I want to know - should I speak to him one last time and apologise for my behaviour that night?

 

He said he would ring a few days later and he left his Christmas present at my house.

 

What I would really like to do is meet up with him, apologise for cheating, apologise for my behaviour that night and apologise for my emotional instability in the relationship. No pressure, no blame. I just want him to know that contrary to what it must have seemed that night, I do not hate him or blame him. I just want a last talk where I want him to understand that I've realised I need help (not from him, I'm opting for counselling) and I don't hate him nor am I blaming him and most importantly, asking him to come back to me (even though I'd love him to).

 

I just don't want it to end on such a bad note. In addition, I'm still holding out for a small measure of hope that things might work in the future, seeing as he still think he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

So what do you think? Should I meet for one last time before NC starts? He wants to be friends, btw. Breaks my heart to hear that word.

 

I'm sorry this post turned out to be way longer than I expected, but I'd be ever so grateful for anyone's input.

 

Thanks so much,

Danita

[Zaira]

All you can do is ask. Tell him you'd just like to meet up for a casual chat and to apologise for your behaviour.

 

If he says no though, you need to end the conversation there.

 

It sounds like he may want to get back with you though, and he's just confused. He's trying to make his head over rule his heart. Maybe let him know that you're going to give him space and not contact him, and that you hope he can sort things out.

 

After that, only time will tell.

[Danita]

Thanks Zaira,

 

Yeah, I reckon if I don't hear from him in a week I may ring him up. I'll die if he says no, but it's not like there's anything i can do about it.

 

A lot of the posts on reconciliations (or the hope of a recon.) after NC seem to be in relationships where the dumper is the person who's in the "wrong" and the dumpee is the "victim" (and I use these terms very loosely - my brain is treacle at the moment). I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that it will work in my case where I screwed up.

 

But anyway, thanks. NC is going to be awful, but the only option available is to deal with it.

[paris38]

Is it possible that you can give up on him for good? yes, I have only been a member of this board for 3 days and noticed that NC seems to be the magical answer/formula for everyone. You seem to have a lot of hope that this NC thing will get this guy you cheated on to want you back.

 

I dunno, do you REALLY want this guy? Because I have never cheated because I always loved the man that I chose to be in a relationship with...and if I decided I did not want to be with him anymore after all, I broke up with him.

 

I don't think that you really, honestly love this guy because you cheated on him....you're just lonely and desperate now...but I've got to hand it to him with being able to get you into bed one last time before ending it for good, good revenge in a way.

You treated this guy like dirt, don't put him through this again. You don't love him, I am sure of it. Find someone that you don't have a desire to cheat on that you really love.

[Zaira]

Interesting take on the situation paris

 

No contact works well in lots of situations... whether you need to give the person space, you need space yourself, or you need to finally move on. It's recommended lots on here because it actually does work!

[D-Lish]

I know that when you told him you cheated, that you had an idea that it would end the relaitonship. I'm sure a part of you knew that when you fessed up.

 

I'm wondering why you told him? Also wondering why you cheated? Something missing for you in the relationship that caused you to stray?

If something was missing for you, perhaps you need to take the space to figure it out and put it into perspective. Were you leaning toward breaking up with him, and now his rejection of you is causing you to want him back?

 

These are all questions you should answer for yourself before trying to reconcile.

[Danita]

Hi Paris, Zaira, DLish,

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

To clarify, I'm not looking at NC as a magical formula to get him back. My relief in finding out about NC is that while I knew it's the *only* thing to do under the circumstances, now I also know that it's the best. I'm not denying I'm holding out a tiny flame of hope for a reconciliation, but that's not the main reason I'm doing NC. The main reason is that there is no other way of getting round this, I guess.

 

I personally suspect, reading through the posts on this board, that NC works best for reconciliation if you've been dumped, not if your actions led to a breakup.

 

Right now, all I want to do is to meet him one last time to apologise. I handled the breakup quite badly and I don't want him walking away with the idea that I'm some, hysterical, sobbing, clingy ex-girl. And I also want to try my very best to leave the door open for some small hope of getting back together in the future. I'm not sure how to get through to him and I'm not sure if this last meeting is a good idea, but at the moment, it's the only thing I can come up with.

 

Any ideas on how I should act and what I should say? I'm planning to just apologise for everything, but definitely not grovel. Just, you know, very sincerely and matter-of-factly apologise for cheating, the hysteria, the blame-games etc. I'm not sure if I shuold tell him I love him or if I should handle the whole thing as platonically as I can. I am *definitely* NOT giong to cry. I'll stem my lachrymal ducts with blu-tack if that's what it takes!

 

DLish, Yes I did know that telling would cause us to breakup but I think the shock of what happened, coupled with the fact that it was symptomatic of problems in the relationship, made me tell him. And anyway, I couldn't not tell. You just can't not tell, I think. If I didn't tell, I would never have been able to look at him in the eye or touch him, without feeling like I was going to throw up.

 

I don't think I have a right to unleash myself on my boy, or any other boys till I sort myself out. And trust me, there is a lot to sort out, so no boys for a while I guess :-). And this is so selfish, but I'm hoping, just hoping, that if I handle myself correctly at the meeting and afterwards, there may still be that tiny crack in the door that leads to getting back.

 

BTW - Any thoughts on remaining "friends"? One of my friends reckons it could be a good idea to be an occassional person in his life (group meetings and the like) just to remind him that I am still alive, and around.

 

ALSO - His birthday is coming up in a month. Should I get him a present? And If invited, should I turn up?

 

Thanks again!

[Guest]

i know how hard these things can be on both people. i have a friend that has been coming to this site, as well as pof and enot, and he really loves this one women, but because he screwed up so badly, he is having a tough time getting his life back on track. and to make matters worse, in 'real' life he knows this woman does not want to see him ever again and has actually called the police on him, yet, he reads into things on these sites and 'believes' she wants him back and that screws him up to the point where the other night he called and left a message at her work saying he loved her and wanted to marry her and then after doing so realized that he is confusing fact and fiction and he spent the whole day waiting for the police to arrive at his door to arrest him because he was told one more contact and he will go to jail.

 

so, i think he is hoping that she will forgive his calling her and that she will not file a report. he has promised me that he will not do that again and he will leave her alone - my friend is really a kind man, and cares deeply about her and would never hurt her. he has been extremely hurt over the fact that the person he loves sees him as a criminal or worse stalker and it has been very hard on him and has not helped him tackle his addiction and depression. he told me he will not call her again and just work on getting himself in shape - mentally and physically. i have never seen someone so in love with a woman that they completely forget that one wrong move will land them in jail - and he was in pretty bad shape together and is trying his best to do what she wants [leave her alone] and he just wants her to know that he is doing his best and will not drive by or call again because he wants to earn her trust and respect as a friend again. i feel very sorry for him because he has been hospitalized three times already and all over a love for someone that has been torturous to his mind.

 

i believe in this friend tho and i know he has the strength and ability to move on - he is a great friend and i don't want to see him ruin his life so i am helping and supporting him the best i can - like posting her and asking the woman he called to forgive him for having a weak moment and to ask that she not file another report.

[notmakingsense]

I actually think that no-contact does not apply in your situation. I think that you have two main goals right now:

 

1. Make sure that there is no mistaking in his mind that you are sorry for what happened, that you want to re-gain his trust and re-build the relationship.

 

2. Make sure that you are giving him enough space so that you don't annoy him and so he can clearly think through what he wants to do.

 

To do this, I think you actually should grovel a little, cry a little and show your remorse if it exists. You shouldn't let this emotion turn in to blaming/hysterics/psycho/clingy/stalker stuff, but he should be left with the understanding that your feelings and remorse are real. There is no excuse for cheating, so you should leave any contribution he had to the troubles out of the discussion for a long time.

 

Then, BACK-OFF. You don't need to go no-contact. You can, from time to time, send him light "Hi, How are you" messages -- and non-romantic gifts are Ok too. This will subtley let him know that he is still on your mind. Don't do this every day, and probably even less often than once every few weeks. If he ever tells you to stop contacting him, then stop. You owe him the ability to control this situation, because right now, his life with you spun out of his control.

 

Don't let the "friends" word throw you. He's using that word to protect his own feelings and dignity, yet he doesn't want you to dissappear because he is still confused as to what he wants to do. DO NOT force a decision, and stay backed-off. This is important.

 

Only you can decide how long you want to let this "light contact / friendship" continue. If you really love him, you may want to stick it out for a very long time. Of course, if he moves on and gets a new girlfriend, that would be a good time to cut things off if you can't handle the friend role.

 

Regarding what D-Lish said, use this "backed-off" time to analyze what caused you to cheat in the first place -- and if you look within yourself and find that he isn't the right one for you, then do the right thing and do not give him the impression that there is any chance at a true romantic relationship thing.

[lorr]

I agree with Paris and D-Lish! The relationship must have been on very shaky ground in the first place.

You can apologise if you really mean it, but(IMO its just bizarre that someone would get intimate with someone else ,knowing full well what they will be letting themselves in for).

Its really down to him on whether he wants to entertain the idea of being "friends" but that only works if there is no feelings on both your parts.

 

Best thing that you both can do is to move on.