PWSX3 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I have been reading for a while here and it seems like in most cases the one that left the marriage doesn't/didn't want anything to do with trying to make the marriage work. My question is; did anyone have a situation where you separated, had different bedrooms, moved out, whatever, but you did work on the relationship just to come to the conclusion that it just wasn't meant to be? I know my situation might be a little different since my W has told me that she doesn't want to give up just yet on our marriage, but she doesn't seem like she really wants to work on it just yet. It's been 5 months and she told me she has given herself 6 months to decide. She has told me she wants to work on our relationship but doesn't want to date. (don't know what that means either) again she might be telling me what she wants but I am having trouble seeing it from my eyes and I'm not able to see it from her side. When we do see each other now we are friendly have good conversation but it feels more like we are just friends out for lunch. I do know the more I am learning about myself the more I am starting to wonder if we will get back together, because for me it feels like I'm welling to try new things, I'm trying to see my faults and work on them, and I feel she just seems to be happy staying where she is at. She hasn't really given me any good signs that she wants to work on things except for getting together for lunch and she did buy me a Vikings calendar.
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 It is up to both partners to work on the relationship. She's willing to try it seems, so all you can do is give it your best. The greatest relationships stem from beautiful friendships so maybe you do need to re-establish this. Have no expectations from each other in regards to any more at this stage ie. no pressure. Just enjoy each other's company and see if the chemistry/bond/emotions all come flowing back for you BOTH. I think at this time it's all about COMMUNICATION. You both need to say what's bothering you, and you need to talk about it and work through it. At the end of the day there may be some personality traits that you just can't change though, and it may be that the marriage is over. Just don't give up. Give it what you can without going overboard. I hope it all works out for you.
dgiirl Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 PW, I hope this wont be too harsh, but knowing a little about your history, I believe your wife's number one complaint was your controlling nature? I know how frustrating your situation is, but your wife is giving you a really big sign right now. She's saying she DOES want to work on the relationship but she needs some space. This is a lot more than a lot of us got. She's not slamming the door in your face, she's just asking for a little breathing space. It's even plausible that she's testing you. To see if you really are changing your "controlling" ways. To see how patient you can be. What would the old PW do? Why are you still focused on what SHE'S doing, the changes she's making and what she's contributing to the relationship? Right now, you need to be focusing only on what you are doing, the changes you are making, and what you are contributing to the relationship. This doesnt mean you let her walk all over you, but it does mean you have to respect her opinions and wishes. If how she is right now will not satisfy you, then why are you pursuing a relationship? Hypothetically speaking, once you prove yourself to her and she wants to come back, are you going to demand her making changes again? I believe this is why she left in the first place? She didnt feel appreciated and loved? Are you going to love her, warts and all? Yes, I agree that changes from both of you will be required. But changes in the way that you communicate with one another. Not changes in who she is. If I recall correctly, you had an issue with her weight? Once she's back, are you going to demand her to start losing weight again? What if she doesnt? Remember, this is her life and her choice. You either accept who she is or you dont. I understand the need to be physically attracted to your spouse, and it's in her best interest in regards to her health and her marriage to lose weight, if it's possible. However, you cannot demand this of someone. You cannot withhold love because of someone's physical looks. Either you love her, warts and all, or you dont. And it's even possible that her weight is due to depression. Perhaps, once she feels 100% completely accepted and loved by you, she might start working on her self esteem and want to lose the weight. But again, you cant demand or expect this of someone. She has to want to do it herself. PW, you know I'm very proud of the changes you've made lately. You've been making some great progress. I just want to give you some food for thought. Dont make your relationship with your wife right now an all or nothing. Give her some space and you start focusing on what's really important in life. Spending time with loved ones, getting to know yourself, herself, just enjoying the present moment. Life's an adventure and there's no right way to live it. It sounds like you and your wife might have some potential of fixing the relationship. Dont get so wrapped up in labels. She hasnt slammed the door yet, so ride with it.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 I am sorry but I didn't want this to be about me, but I do appreciate the replies very much. I just wanted to get some thoughts on my question. My question is; did anyone have a situation where you separated, had different bedrooms, moved out, whatever, but you did work on the relationship just to come to the conclusion that it just wasn't meant to be? Like I said, it seems like most of the stories here the one that wasn't happy just wants to move on without trying. Why I was wondering is my friend that got divorced 5 years ago thought at the time divorce was something you should never do and it was like taboo and you should try to work things out, but now she has a different opinion on divorce. She told me her H was very controlling and didn't let her do anything. when they got divorced he turned her kids against her and she still doesn't talk to one of them, but she is so happy now after 5 years and I'm so lucky to be able to share some of that happiness with her. She is a great lady and she said if I had seen her 5 years ago I wouldn't even recognize her compared to who she is today. For her she didn't have a chance to work things out because like most people here her H didn't want to work on it even though she was the one that left.
Gunny376 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 More often than not, when a couple seperates such as you and your wife have ~ it means either there's someone else or they want to go and find someone else, if they've not done so already. The "I need to time and space" or the "I need some time and space to find myself" really means "I need some time and space to be with my new lover" or go and find a new lover. I don't believe that this is the case when it comes to you and the DW. Women hit their sexual peak when their in their late twenties to mid thirties. Although you've never posted yours and the wife ages ~ I would assume that you're in your forties. While it certainly is true that women have affairs at any and all ages, they're less inclined to do so once their past their sexual peak. You have to understand that for women when it comes to sex ~ there's very much an emotional connection. That's the reason why women want and need an emotinal connection and committment before having sex with a guy ~ because if she ends up pregno ~ she needs to know the guys going to be there for her and their off-spring. Getting back to the original thead, I don't think that you need to be thinking in terms of salvaging the marriage. Regardless, if you and Tracey get back together as husband and wife ~ you will always have a relationshp because you've got a very strong co-parenting relationship going on with Patrick. The two of your are in bed together on that if nothing else. And it obvious that she's not discarded you as a close and dear friend. As Vince Lombartte (spelling?) the famous coach of the Green Bay Packers use to say, "What we need to do is get back to the fundamentals!" I wouldn't become nor be to obsessed about the six month comments coming to fruitation ~ as I would be about getting back to the fundamentals. And, that means just getting back to being friendly and friends. That's what I would concentrarte on. Regadless of whether you and the wife gets back together? Either way its for the best ~ and you will see that in over the course of time ~ as your friend has Either way, you're going to grow and become a better person for the experience. Either way ~ its going to be aliright, no matter how it plays out. The most extreme case I've been witness to? Couple married for twenty years, got divorce, both parties re-married ~ got divorced from the second husband and wife ~ re-married each other after having been divorced from each other for ten years. Another couple I know have been married and divorce from each other four times. Trouble is, its against the law to marry the same person more than three times in the state of Alabama. The fourth time they re-married they had to go to Georgia to do it!
Mz. Pixie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 My sitch was that I tried to get my exh to work on our marriage when I was in it. He just ignored it most of the time but in the end did say he just didn't have time to work on our marriage. By the time I'd had the affair and told him I wanted a divorce (I did not leave my exhusband for the other guy) I was past the point of wanting to work on it.
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