feathers Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 my husband had an affair a few years ago. he ended it before i ever found out, but now i know about it cuz he told me. the woman no longer lives near us, and i assume that she has moved on in her life. my question: would it be a bad thing for me to call her and ask her if she has anything she'd like to say to me? i feel finished with dealing the pain of it all with my husband (we stayed together), but somehow i don't feel finished with her. i've never spoken to her, never saw her, don't know her. would it be bad to contact her?
Freedom Now Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I don't know. I feel like you may be opening a can of worms. Only YOU know if this is the right thing for you, but I would think that if you have healed from the affair, there is no reason to open up healed scars. However, being an xOW, if my xMM's wife contacted me in a few years, I would speak with her. I hold no animosity towards her and I would be kind. That is me. You cannot predict, however, how SHE will react to your call. I would just leave dead dogs lie. IMHO.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I agree with FN: I wouldn't contact her...I can't see it doing any good for you or your M...
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 You have forgiven your husband and fixed your marriage, do NOT go opening the door to past. Chances are she isn't going to tell you what you want to know, and even if she does - WHAT if she decides she wants to try to see your husband? I just think talking to her isn't going to help you move on, it will actually push you backwards.
scaredinlove Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 my husband had an affair a few years ago. he ended it before i ever found out, but now i know about it cuz he told me. the woman no longer lives near us, and i assume that she has moved on in her life. my question: would it be a bad thing for me to call her and ask her if she has anything she'd like to say to me? i feel finished with dealing the pain of it all with my husband (we stayed together), but somehow i don't feel finished with her. i've never spoken to her, never saw her, don't know her. would it be bad to contact her? Don't call her it won't do uou any good. Just try to work your marriage. Good luck.
kymberann Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Are you sure you have moved on and forgiven? If so then why the interest in the OW. I think you need to decide what is best. You may need to to contact OW, but then you need to realize she may not want to have any contact with you. Just think about all possible outcomes before you act! Best
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I wouldnt contact her . Get all your answers from your H. Finished with her you say? Your H cheated ,especially if it ended badly you dont know if he lied to her or what . Be glad he told you &its over so why bother her ? If my Xmm W contacted me it would be upseting & i would most likely not speak to her. Its something i dont care to be forced to discuss or answer a million questions he could have.
sadbuttrue Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 feathers, do not contact the OW, it will get you no where. it could bring her back into your lives. i understand the curiousity in wanting to see her and talk to her, but in this case i think you and your H are better off leaving her alone.
bonehead Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 my husband had an affair a few years ago. he ended it before i ever found out, but now i know about it cuz he told me. the woman no longer lives near us, and i assume that she has moved on in her life. my question: would it be a bad thing for me to call her and ask her if she has anything she'd like to say to me? i feel finished with dealing the pain of it all with my husband (we stayed together), but somehow i don't feel finished with her. i've never spoken to her, never saw her, don't know her. would it be bad to contact her? If it was a few years ago why dig it up? What would your marriage stand to gain from it? Not you personally but your marriage.
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 What would you want to hear from her? Do you think your H has not given you the full picture..? Is he claiming it was an EA but you think there was more..? I don't think it's a wise idea to contact her. If there's something your H hasn't told you (or whatever it is) she may not be honest with you either, and you may end up more confused than ever, and who knows what unforseen emotions may arise or be dug up as a result. Bad idea, in my view.
Author feathers Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 thank-you all. i think i'll follow your advice. to answer your questions, since you so kindly offered your valuable advice: yes, my h's affair was an ea, and i do believe that it was. i do not want to take a chance on her wanting to believe anything is offered or desired that is not. my marriage is doing well i have forgiven my husband, but have been unable to forgive her. i thought that if she was possibly contrite about her part in what happened that i could then finally forgive her. it seemed best to ask you folks if that would be a good idea. it seems to be the answer is no.
ratingsguy Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 i have forgiven my husband... I don't get the feeling that you really have, or at least you don't realize that you still hold some ill feelings towards your H... mainly because you DO hold ill feelings towards the OW and the A, which ultimately falls back on your H. I may be totally off, but I think deep down you haven't completely gotten over your H's betrayal. I'm going to go against popular opinion and advise contacting the OW if you do feel so strongly about resolving this. In your case I think it would definately help... BUT only do this after speaking with your H. True, it will bring up old feelings for all parties involved, but no matter how far removed you are from the situation over time, those feelings will always be there anyway. And if they're unresolved, they're going to eat away at you. I think if my MW's H called me one day, I would speak to him (if my MW was ok with it). I bear no grudge against the man, and by all accounts he's a decent guy... he was just a terrible husband. I would feel that I owe him an explanation... it's the least I could do for the guy.
silktricks Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Feathers, from a former BS, don't call her. It will only rake back up everything for you, your husband, and the OW. Count yourself lucky that you can go on with your marriage without her in the picture. Bless yourself. It doesn't matter if you forgive her or not. You forgave your husband. Just be happy with that.
Motor35 Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 Forgive and forget to continue your relationship with your husband. And to forget, you must not ask him about her again. It is so hard to do, but you can if you want your relationship to grow.
sb129 Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 my husband had an affair a few years ago. he ended it before i ever found out, but now i know about it cuz he told me. the woman no longer lives near us, and i assume that she has moved on in her life. my question: would it be a bad thing for me to call her and ask her if she has anything she'd like to say to me? i feel finished with dealing the pain of it all with my husband (we stayed together), but somehow i don't feel finished with her. i've never spoken to her, never saw her, don't know her. would it be bad to contact her? It was a few years ago. She almost definitely would have moved on. I am sure if she really felt she had anything she wanted to say to you, she would have contacted you. I don't think it would achieve much Feathers.
kimi2362 Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 my husband had an affair a few years ago. he ended it before i ever found out, but now i know about it cuz he told me. the woman no longer lives near us, and i assume that she has moved on in her life. my question: would it be a bad thing for me to call her and ask her if she has anything she'd like to say to me? i feel finished with dealing the pain of it all with my husband (we stayed together), but somehow i don't feel finished with her. i've never spoken to her, never saw her, don't know her. would it be bad to contact her? What would you gain from doing so? I'm telling you from experience...She has nothing to say to you.
mopar crazy Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Coming from a BW I wouldn't bother calling her either. I also wanted to contact the xOW a year after their A ended to tell her I forgive her for her part of the A but was advised not to b/c it could bring her back into our lives. She also doesn't live near us and it's been easier that way. I still don't like the xOW even though I would of considered us friends b4 the A. We use to talk every time I would go see H at work. Then I found out she was persuing him and I didn't like her after that. I may have forgiven the xOW for her share of the A, but I still don't like her. Even if their friendship didn't turn into an A I still wouldn't like her b/c she was persuing my H. If she wouldn't have persued my H I probably could of been friends w/ her. We actually had things in common and I enjoyed visiting w/ her. Too bad she wanted my H more than our friendship.
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