MoonGirl Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Hi all, I am a MW who is separating from my very verbally and somewhat physically abusive H. For me, the separation is emotional only because 2 children are involved, but I have disliked H for a long time ...no intimacy for over 2 years, little conversation, not in the same bedroom anymore, etc. Here's my dilemma...one of my ex-BFs recently showed up in my life. We broke up only due to situation factors, not because we didn't get along (we lived in 2 different states at the time). My ex-BF is a very kind, gentle man, and also very respectful of me, my children, and our situation. I'm sure he would like to be more than friends, but he is keeping his distance from me probably for a few reasons...I'm sure he thinks I need time and also is protecting himself from being hurt by a possible rebound relationship as well. Here is my question...I know a lot of people recommend against starting up new relationships right away (especially while still married), but I have known this guy for years, dated him for 2 years in the past, and know that we have a true friendship and deep connection. I am afraid that if I "give it 6 months" or "a year" I will miss out on someone I know is really wonderful. Because I have been emotionally separating myself from my H for awhile, I feel that I am ready to date this man. I certainly have no plans to move in with him or rush too fast into a deep commitment, but I simply would like to start dating him. Have any of who had a similar experience that his worked out well? Thanks for your input!
Touche Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I say go for it. You're already mentally left your marriage a long time ago. I met my H three days into my separation from my ex-H. (Also verbally and sometimes physically abusive.) Everyone told me I was crazy (except my mom). We were married eight months after that. We'll be happily celebrating our 12th anniversary this year. Only you know when the right time for you is. Sounds like it's the right time. You've been miserable for long enough.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Have you actually separated? I mean you and your husband NOT living together? If not, wait until you two aren't living in the same house. And, take it SLOW with the exboyfriend. No need to rush into it.
Touche Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Yes, I agree with Which. At least wait until you are physically separated.
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Go for it, even if it's just a friendship to start with ie. rebuilding what you had years ago. My BF is still married (but separated) and whilst there are still a few marital issues still being sorted out, our relationship is wonderful. He will just need to be mindful of what you are going through, and you will need to be mindful that he's going to go through some issues with your separation as well. All the best though. It sounds like you could have someone very special back in your life.
Author MoonGirl Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Thanks for your replies. Yes, I would definitely take things slow with ex-BF. I am in no hurry to have another H! I simply enjoy ex-BF's company, his friendship, and would love to have some intimacy in my life after more than 2 years of nothing! Like me, he already has a child, so he is also in no big hurry to tie the knot, settle down, have kids, etc. So many people around me think it's crazy to jump out of one relationship right into another, but I guess what's hard for them to realize is that I have been unhappy and distant from H for a long time, and have been thinking of leaving for a long time. The news is new to them, so they think I have something to "get over". In a sense I do have a lot to work through, but most of that is just guilt for leaving (yes, even abused people feel guilty when they leave their abusers). I have no love for H left and no desire to be near him. I have leased an apt and am moving out with the kids at the beginning of Feb. I certainly do not plan on touching ex-BF before that time. I know some people find it even disturbing to have a BF while separated, but still married. Ex-BF originally had some issues with knowing the divorce would take so long, but after hanging out as friends for a few months I think he is really looking forward to me moving out and I think he will be able to look past the fact that I am still technically married (at least I hope so). Thanks again for your replies!
Zaira Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 It sounds like you know what you're doing. I wish you all the best, and I'm sure it will have a happy outcome
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