iamsofoolish80 Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I've read many posts on this site to get some insight into what I'm going through and I notice a common theme... After the No Contact period... People are asking themselves, "WHY HASN'T S/HE SAID THEY WANT TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY...?" Here's your answer... If they are willing to meet with you and pick up the phone when you call, what do you think they are doing?! This is considering that you did the No Contact and gave them time to reflect on your relationship and themselves and DID NOT SPEAK OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. They will NOT just come out and tell you... "Ok, let's give it another try". Keep in mind, some of our partners still have doubts. And if you needed to make changes in your life... How is this person going to know that you made changes if s/he has not had contact with you in 4-8-12 weeks, whatever time. S/he doesn't know what s/he will be getting him/herself into, so they're going to want to test the waters before jumping in again. What I suggest is inviting the person out to lunch or dinner or coffee... whatever. And try to make it convenient for them. For example... if you say, can we meet for lunch later this week, don't ask for him or her to come to your side of town, you go to their side of town, because s/he may say, "I'm not sure, I'm cutting it short in terms of how much time I may have." Hello!!!! You're the one who has been waiting all this time for this conversation/meeting, why should they have to come out of their way... you're the one that wants him/her back... make the arrangements to make it convenient. But don't sound desperate. If they say, "I can't this week..." Wait to see what alternative s/he will offer... maybe its legitimate. You can say, ok, not a problem, I was going to be in the area. Maybe I'll give you a call next time I'm in the area. Or something to the effect. You MUST NOT SOUND disappointed. Want to make it seem to a degree as if it was their lost. You can even offer the alternative of grabbin a drink after work. When you are out, acknowledge how the person looks. If there is a change in how they look, you acknowledge it... "Wow... you look so beautiful. I love what you did with your hair." Or "Are you wearing your make-up differently? Something is different, it looks so nice." If s/he has a new outfit you haven't seen him in... make it your first reaction... as they're walking in. If you went to pick them up, as they're getting into the car... "Wow... look at you. You look so beautiful!" Or a guy, "Wow... you look so handsome." BUT make sure there is some kind of change with this person. Or like I said, if they're dress how you're not usually used to seeing them. Chances are if this person is someone who is trying to feel good for him/herself and has put him/herself out the market, they will look extra special. Or maybe if they want to make another impression on you. Keep in mind, its human. We never want to show people in our past that we look like crap. We always want to show them that we look better. So the effort will be made by this person... Acknowledge it... people love when you acknowledge their presence. Then, if you know there is something that person is involved in, as in my case, she is involved in music, I would ask, so how is your music coming along? Any recent performances? Any new recordings? Have you had an opportunity to work with big name artists? If the person you are with has children... "How are your children?" "Did you get that new car you wanted?" "Have you travelled anywhere exciting in the last month?" if the person you are with travels for business. AND DO NOT... DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOURSELF... It will sound like you are bragging. If they acknowledge your presence and tell you how beautiful you look or how great you look, DO NOT TELL THEM... "Yes I've been in the gym." Say, "really? you think so? People have been telling me I look different, I guess its the weight." as in my case, "Or maybe its the hair..." Be conscious of what's changed in you prior to you meeting with them and don't say, "YES I MADE IT A POINT TO CHANGE IT ON PURPOSE" cause you'll look like an ass. You can just say... "Thank you.." and smile sincerely. Remember, this conversation is not about you! Now you don't want to drill them with questions either because now you will sound nosey, but sound interested in the person. Keep in mind, part of the reason why you're not together may be because, "You dont listen enough to me when I'm expressing how I feel..." "You never have enough time for us..." "You're attitude sucks, I've closed up to you because you scare me away..." You need to have a balance to show this person you are interested in them! People love to talk about themselves. IT IS HUMAN NATURE. So you have to provide the medium to allow him/her the opportunity to do so. If you have a sense of humor, NOT A SARCASTIC SENSE OF HUMOR... an actual sense of humor, you make them laugh. People LOVE people who can make them laugh. But it must be part of your personality. If something silly happens to you, laugh. Don't act embarrassed. Say something to the effect of... "OMG... how embarrassing" and smile. You let them laugh with you. You don't want to scare them from laughing because that's what got you in this mess to begin with. You keep the conversation flowing. Do NOT BRING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP! DO NOT TELL THEM YOU'VE MISSED THEM or THAT YOU STILL LOVE THEM or THAT YOU CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM or THAT THE CHILDREN MISS HIM/HER. Let this person lead. If s/he says they have missed you. You smile... say "Well... let's take advantage of this opportunity and catch up." If the person says, "I love you..." BE CAREFUL... this is really up to you... you can look at this person dead in the eyes and say... "I love you too..." and then change the conversation. In my case, I will let her know that I am dating someone, as it was her request because "we are on a break" and she said it's still cheating and I would not want to disrespect her like that. BUT dating is the last thing on my mind right now... I need to get myself together. BUT you do have the right to ask... "Are you seeing anyone." Because this will tell you where you stand. Keep in mind though, if s/he loves you, they will call you anyway even if they are "seeing someone" because s/he may have seen a change in you [which you must do ASAP] KEEP IN MIND... There will not be a "SECOND CHANCE CONVERSATION" until after 3-4 meetings. In fact, may never be one and sometimes it can be assumed that you're already participating in that SECOND CHANCE as you are getting the opportunity to speak with him/her or see him/her. When your NEW relationship with this person goes from FRIENDLY to INTIMATE... that's when you or s/he may say or can say... Ok, we need to talk about where things went wrong... If you know where things went wrong and you know because s/he tells you, then you don't need to have this conversation, but if you didn't have it, now is a good time to have it. And you can tell this person, before we move forward, let's talk about how we can avoid going through the same things again. But do not start arguin or belittling anyone... You could just show this person that you're changing and just automatically give them freedom if that's what they were asking for... give them more quality time if that's what they were asking for... when you sense an argument... stop yourself and talk... sometimes the unsaid says more... A SECOND CHANCE is a NEW RELATIONSHIP with a CHANGED PERSON. So it's like dating someone new. So much may have happened in this person's life over your NC period that this person is truly not the same person you dated the first time. And it doesn't matter that you been together for 10 years, this is a NEW PERSON. Now what if they initiate a conversation about your past relationship. LET THEM TALK... they may need to vent. SHOW you're interested, acknowledge what they're saying as in, "Oh... I see." "I understand". If s/he gets mad about the fact that you're not giving your opinion... you can say... "You know... that incident that occurred, or those episodes of arguin between us are things that happened. We cannot go back and change them now. Let's be positive and look forward. We can work on the things that made us argue so much, but if we cling on to that pain, then we'll never be able to move forward, whether it be through a friendship or more." Now... DO NOT... DO NOT WAIT until now to make changes. You should've been making changes all along during the No contact. For example, in my case, I've been reading a lot. Trying to understand why I always had an attitude and I'm reading a book called "BONDS THAT MAKE US FREE" It has given me lots of insight. In addition, I've been losing weight to change my physical appearance and I'm beginning therapy for Stress/Anger Management to deal with the stress in my life. I'm also looking for a new job. And to be honest with you, these are changes to make me happier. Wehther it be with her or without her. I HATE my job, so I'm looking for a new one. I'm in the music business as well and am active in it when I am outside of my professional career... being mean and rude doesn't help my business relationships. I have gained weight over the last 7 years and my self-esteem has dropped which has caused me to also be insecure about her because she is beautiful. And to be honest with you, the first thing people are attracted to is your physical appearance. So if you do not do anything to make them attracted to your physical appearance again, then you're setting yourself up. If you always wore your hair a certain way... change it! If you always dress a certain way and s/he has nagged you about it in the pass... change it!!! If you always wear your make-up a certain way and s/he has complained about it, "change it!" If you go to a mall with a MAC counter, if you spend $40 on make-up you can schedule a make-up session with them and you can say... "Ok, I always wear my make up the same way... I'd like to change it up a little." And see what kind of look they'll come up with. For guys... if you smoke and your teeth are yellow... same as girls... GO TO THE DENTIST!!!! Get a clean up... these are also things you're doing for yourself. Do teeth whitening if you can afford it. It's about $350-$400. Join the gym... if you cannot afford a gym, Walmart has threadmills in all price ranges... $100... $200... $300... etc. Buy one... use it everyday for 30 days straight. Change eating habits. Or if you live in a warm part of the country, ride a bike every day. The point is that endorphins make you happier and looking better will make you happer... and if YOU have to go on the market for dating... you're going to improve your chances of people being physically attracted to you. Exercising will also do wonders for your confidence because when you see results it makes you more confident. The point is you do things that make you feel better about yourself and in turn can also be a bonus if you get the person back in your life. CONSIDERING that this person is really worth it... Sometimes we are in a relationship for comfort... sometime sthe person is actually a great person and we took them for granted and they have every right to be pissed or upset with us... The point of a SECOND CHANCE relationship is that if you still love that person and this person still expresses this love for you, then why waste the energy and time investment into someone knew? Why not use that same energy in DATING your current love? And you would take the same approach as if it was a new relationship. In a new relationship, you dont speak of marrying that person on the first date. It may take months before that conversation comes up, and that's exactly how you should approach this relationship. Keep things interesting. Don't go back to places you used to go to for dinner. Try new places. Show this person you have become more exciting. Go on a day trip together. Make this person fall in love with you all over again. Let them know what they are truly missing. Romance them... buy them 1 rose... 3 roses... 6 roses... try to stay away from the dozen during the first month of DATING. And most importantly, Don't cling. Don't call her and ask for a 2nd date. If s/he says, keep in contact, you can say, you do the same. Feel free to call me. If s/he noticed a difference in you s/he will call and either have a phone call with you which also counts as quality time and you can cut the call short and say, listen, I have to run right now... Can I take you out for dinner... and you schedule something 2-3 days out... or you can ask... are you doing anything tomorrow night? Can I take you out to dinner and continue this conversation? Sometimes the more time you give the person between dates once you start schedulng them the more time you're giving them to consider not letting it take place... If s/he says yes... then this is definitely your second chance... don't mention any girls you've dated been dating... don't start mentioning how much fun you have had without them in your life. They may do it to you, you know what... you say, I see. This person may still be hurt and may still be talking out of hurt. Now's your time to show them they can have fun with you too. Let him/her inquire about you. Remember treat it as if you're dating a new person. This is the ONLY way to make a SECOND CHANCE relationship work... I just started my no contact... I know my no contact will take me at least through Feb. 5 to be exactly 30 days. IF she doesn't call me before then, I will call between Feb. 6 and Feb. 8 and invite her to lunch. Now she knows I am VERY SPONTANEOUS, so a last minute invite wouldn't be shocking to her and she enjoys that about me. Last minute... let's go. BUT... before I invite her to lunch, I have to check her mood... if she sounds like she doesn't want to be bothered by me. It will be a 2-3 minute conversation just to ask how she's doing. And let it go. Some people take 3-4-5-6 months to heal from being resentful. My only concern is that I am very closely involved in her artistic career and to be honest wtih you, wehther or not she coems back to me I'd love to work with her. She is wonderfully talented/gifted and there are lots of sharks in thsi business and I've been able to stand my ground with them and Im making a name for myself. So why help anyone else? I will always love her. So I'm not willing to just push her away like that. Its a matter of keeping things professional. Anyway... I just wanted to give my opinion on how people feel that in order for there to be a SECOND CHANCE... someone needs to come out and say... THIS IS YOUR SECOND CHANCE. If they give you the time... THIS IS YOUR SECOND CHANCE. You don't need a queue. Think of it in terms of "PIMP MY RIDE" Imagine you had this car you really really loved... it had a lot of sentimental value, but the car is not working, you have taken it to several mechanics and each time the car gets messed up... People tell you get rid of it... it's a piece of junk. But in your heart, you know what its worth... So you park it in the garage and go and buy yourself a new car. Your new car is great... it rides smoothly, has antilock breaks, air bags, its colors is amazing... but you still have this car sitting in your garage and you keep this new beautiful car outside in your drive way. Eventually, it comes a point you say, you know... I'm not really going to fix this car, let me get rid of it. So someone looking for a used car sees it... loves it and takes it off your hands... they contact PIMP MY RIDE... or just go to the right mechanics and have the right amount of money to fix it... in human terms... they have the time to give to this car... anyhow... they fix the engine, and if they have lots of money they give it a paint job, fix the interior, they "PIMP IT". So now... you see this car a few months later... and you're in your new BMW. But you see all the changes made to this old car and the changes are "priceless", the vehicles value has no price now. Now you may say... "Damn... I want that car back." You've already paid so much for this new car that you don't have the money to PIMP this new car. And you wish you had the older car back. You try negotiating with the person but they say "NOOO" I put too much time into it and I want it! I love it! Now you start thinking... Damn... Instead of gettingmyself into a $40,000 debt, I should've just spent the $20,000 to fix the old one. I didn't think straight. This is what happens in a relationship. Sometimes we take for granted the person we have and want something else. We see someone else with it and now we want it. Did we really give it a fair try when we say we gave them a fair try? We took them to the budget mechanic. And we feel like we did everything we could do. Now this person felt this car was special and took it to a GRADE A mechanic and now s/he has a car s/he is not willing to let go of. That happens to us... we can just give the time to the person we are with and really fix the problems we have and continue a life of happiness. THis is why the divorce rate is so high in the United States right now. Because we have this feeling that when something is broken... OH WELL... Get rid of it... we'll just get another one. And we've taken this idea into our relationships... OH WELL... my relationship is not working... I'll just get another one. That's why divorce rates have gone up. The feeling that women are INDEPENDENT and STRONG and DON'T NEED NO MAN! Who are we kidding? We are humans... we need human interaction! We are human beings that are imperfect and we fail... but if we love ach other we give each other that freedom to grow within our relationships. People say... A mother's love is unconditional... When you are committed to a relationship... your love should be unconditional as well... Ok, I can understand if that person is really not making an effort to change and sometimes we do not need a break to see that we do miss that person and we do need to make changes. BUT LIKE IT OR NOT... these BREAKS are emotional games. It is an excuse so that the person doing the DUMPING can have the time they need to get over you. In the meantime, you're wondering... Will I have them back?! Sometimes, those of us that do get them back are considered the lucky ones... but this person we are trying to get back becomes so self-absorbed that they try to make things impossible for you. We need to come back to reality and realize that we are all human beings. FOLLOW YOUR HEART! If you love that person... why give go on a break?! Ok, fine... you're giving them time to realize they miss you. But then, damn it, follow-up on that feeling. Why get yourself involved with someone you know nothing about all over again? Do you really thing you're going to give that next person 100% of you? Seriously!? That's why we have sooo much baggage.... so many divorces... so much inconsitency... personally... this is why this society is so f*cked up... because it is self-absorbed... and doesn't consider HUMAN relationship... Anyway... I can go on and on about this, but I will stop... this posting is long enough. I just feel so hurt. I see my girlfriend and her eyes tear up when she's with me... cause GOD DAMN IT... she loves me and I don't know why she's fighting the urge to be with me. I'm a good man... females would love to be with me. But I'm no fool... she's a really good woman and I know in the same way guys would die to be with her... I'm not willing to pass up a good thing and I'm not willing to allow someone bitter to tell me... OH JUST LET HER GO.. IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME IT WON'T WORK FOR YOU! F*CK YOU!!!! YOUR GIRL ISN'T LIKE MY GIRL! DAMN IT... IF YOU DATE HER YOU WILL REALIZE MY GIRL IS BETTER THAN YOUR GIRL... IN FACT... GIRLS TRY TO DATE MY GIRL... THAT'S HOW CRAZY IT GETS.. BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES HER! ESPECIALLY ME!
paris38 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 First - you can have a 'formula plan' from some ebook on the internet which will 'help you get your ex back' (the NC period, the 'first friendly date after NC', the 'light dating/hanging out period, exercise everyday, read 'the ties that bind' book, etc. etc. then one day say 'let's get back together' then he's/she's YOURS again....Ok, go ahead and do that but people don't work by these plans and formulas....either they love you dearly and want you back also, or they don't. Second - One day you will have to face that she was a chapter in your life that was great....but it's over. If she doesn't want you back, you will have to face this, saying 'dammit she loves me' etc. etc. are self-flattering to you, but it's no crime for her to fall out of love with you, she may just be the most wonderful girl in the world but quite possibly she doesn't want her life to be with you...and that's OK....because there are other really, really wonderful people out there and when you allow yourself to give up the dream of her, you will discover that and find a woman to love forever.
D-Lish Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I admire your zest. I think the problem lies within the other person's feelings. How they feel toward you, and whether they are willing to participate in a second chance. The hardest nut to crack is dealing with a resistant ex lover. I know this is the case for me. I've read up on getting your lover back books, read break up books, recover books, self help... etc. I even had dinner with my ex after not speaking to him for 4 1/2 months just recently. The conversation was great, the evening was fun, he laughed at all my jokes... our relationship was never discussed. We simply had a good time. Unfortunately, I don't think I can keep waiting- nor am I prepared to do anymore chasing. I think that at some point, there has to come a time when you must give up hope. There does come a time when waiting and hoping and chasing becomes unhealthy. I realized after my meeting with my ex that I can't do it anymore. I can't keep waiting patiently- can't keep living my life hoping he will change his mind by taking part in a "baby steps" meetings and coffees process, all designed to show him I'm a happier, more confident woman. I have made a lot of changes, come to a myriad realizations, started up at the gym, started eating again to get back to a healthy weight. If he can't come to his senses and see those things, recognize my good qualities, I am at the point now where I am conceding that it's his loss. I've been where you are, living in that romantic limbo- waiting and hoping and being patient. I can't do it anymore.
princessa Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I don't undestand the whole concept of not talking about what went wrong with the previous relationship right away. That's bs. I know that if my ex called now, I wouldn't pick up the phone unless he'd leave messages explicitly saying that he acknowledges that this and that went wrong and here's what he plans to do to change it.
jojo_mccann Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 yeah, i agree with the last post.....although it may be helpful in some situations to not talk about it, but in others the ex in question may need or want to hear that you have recognised the problems that occured before and that maybe a good step forward! no doubt the best way to show someone you have changed is to actually practice it, but other times it might be nice for them to hear you say that this was my problem and i have sorted it out or can see how i was wrong then and am looking on a particular instance differently or set of instances.......their reply maybe that they have heard it before, but it could be that you are only thinkin along the lines you are now because you have actually matured as a person or 'seen the light'...something that just wasnt possible to say before because you werent in that state of mind thoughts?
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