Shazam31 Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Help me. My best friend of 16 years and wife of 4 years (she is 27 and I am 31) wants to leave. She claims that she loves me but is not "In love" with me nor is she attracted to me. Apparently, it has been like this for four years. She says that she has told only two people about this situation (a good friend from Louisiana and her sister in New York). My wife had a really awful childhood and a lot of painful things happened to her. I have been her rock and her support through it all...even when we were just friends. I dare say that I have been the only constant thing in her life. She says that we are better as friends and nothing else. The sex has not been a constant thing, but I never questioned it because I thought she might have been going through past issues when months went by without sex. Sometimes she would be tired and so on. When we do/did have sex there were times when it was really, really good. The only bumps we have ever had has been financial (my irresponsibility with money) and medical (my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis), but I am in the process of gaining that financial trust back. She has also not been happy with the amount of student loans I have as I hold a Master's Degree and took out extra money when I had, too. We have had numerous talks about being able to afford children (there are none) and a house (we live in a house my parents own) and her own education (she has just started college but doesn't know what she wants to do) so on several times. My health is an issue because she is concerned that I someday I won't be able to work due to the MS and she might be stuck with all the bills. I learned about her desire to leave me after a trip to New York City to visit her sister. I had been dreading this trip for sometime, I never knew why...but I guess I do now. She was gone for 8 days, left the day after Christmas and came back on January 3rd. I talked to her four times, the longest being 30 minutes, during the 8 days but it felt forced - like she didn't want to talk or something. She came back from the trip and was happy to see me, but the next day something was different. I asked her is everything was okay and she responded with, "Do you really want to have this discussion right now?" And boom! She told me the news. She said that she had been dreading coming back to Kansas (I know she hates it here, but it is where we are for now - not forever) and felt that the "distance" between us "was a good thing." I am hurt by this bomb that has been dropped and she refuses to talk about it with me anymore. I have sought advice from friends, and they tell me to give her "time, space" and "remain constant" which I agree is the right thing to do. But it still hurts. She is my best friend. She feels that attraction can't be planted in someone and doesn't believe marriage therapy will work. I never thought this would happen to us. I cannot stress enough the fact that we have a beautiful friendship. It really was ideal on many levels. She wants to remain friends, but... I am so hurt. Please help. What do I do?
MoonGirl Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Hi Shazam31, There is little you can do to change the way your wife feels. I would suggest not pleading with her to stay, but rather attempting to control yourself, stay strong, and deal as maturely as possible with the situation. I wish I could tell you there is something you could do to "make" her stay, but the only way that might convince her to stay is for you to remain strong and confident. That doesn't mean you shouldn't grieve, but you certainly should plead with her, guilt trip her, question her incessantly, etc. Those actions will only reinforce her decision to leave you. I know you feel awful right now, but try to focus on other things you enjoy in your life...hang out with friends, see a movie, treat yourself to something you enjoy. Take care!
JamesM Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I am sorry for all of the pain you are experiencing. I can feel it just as I read your post. I am going to look at it from her angle. First, financially she feels insecure. Based on your post, you have been bad with money. However, as you get older, I can see that you will improve. But the past is her history, too. She feels that her life is not as she wants it. She envisioned a secure financial future. Now she is not sure if it will ever happen. Will you "relapse" into money squandering? Second, she feels insecure about your health. This reaches to many levels. She loves you and realizes that MS can take you at some time in the future. For some, it may be many years, for others much sooner. This leaves her with the idea that she will lose you someday in the future. And she realizes that you may need care for 24 hours a day. Is she up to it? Then can she handle the grief especially if she has children, too? Third, she is unsure of her own future. She is not certain what she wants to be for a career. In fact, it is possible, she never expected to need a career. Now she must have some good paying job if she expects to stay married with you. This may not have been what she saw for her future. Fourth, she wants children. Everyone of the points above weighs into having children. If she has children, will they have a father? If she has children, will there be money? If she has children, will she be able to be a mother for them or will she need to work and take care of you? Fifth, she is not "at home." She must feel as if she is unrooted and in need of a happy home. For you this was/is home. For her, she is miles away. This doesn't appear to be what she wants. So, as harsh as these points may be, these seem to jump at me when I read your post. The question becomes...can you provide solutions to convince her that her future IS secure (to the best of your ability) with you? I can help with some of them. Hopefully it isn't too late. First, I would suggest to make plans sooner than later to move by her family. In her mind, this may make her future more secure. If something happens to you, she has support. This may be more support to her (right or wrong) than your family. Second, medically what is the prognosis for your MS? I know this is difficult for you to deal with by yourself...let alone trying to comfort someone else. Maybe if she hasn't been part of your doctor's discussions, this would help. Sometimes knowing a bit of what the future holds may ease her fears. Now that you have a Masters Degree, do you have a job? Can you get a job in NY as well? As for children, this obviously cannot be a discussion until everything else is resolved. Truthfully, she needs to work through most of these things by herself. You can offer a listening ear and try to offer solutions, but she needs to realize that your friendship and commitment will be worth the insecurtities that the future will bring. In reality we all have many of those same insecurities in our marriage. We just need to move forward as a team and trust each other to be there.
Shazam31 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Thank you for your thoughtful posts. I do have a job, I am teaching at a local high school (but I have to go back to college to get the teaching certificate which means more loans). I am not sure how to plan anything with her right now because she does not want to talk about the future nor does she want to mislead me into thinking that things are okay. We went out this weekend and had a wonderful time - only it was ruined last night when I started to become emotional. She has the ability to protect herself and become unemotional when she makes a descision and it kills me to see her like this. I am going to see a therapist about my spending habits. I am scheduling a visit soon, but she sees all these efforts on my part as "after the fact". I just don't know.
Gunny376 Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 A good and accurate assestment of the situation James M. There's not that much that can be done about the student loans. The Federal Courts has pretty much assessed that the only two ways out is to either repay them or to die. They recently started garnishing a social security retiree's check for back student loans. Still I've found them to be very receptive in helping you with them. Have you consolidated them. My monthly payment prior to consolidatoin was $260 a month ~ after consolidation? $104 for a term of 10 years ~ which I'm not crazy. Paying those suckers off, is a top priorty! I just need some breathing room until I could get my legs back under me. Next I would strongly encourage you to get Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" and read it cover to cover and then read it again. And then read it a damn again. Dave was a Californina real estate mongul, that made a multi-million fortune in real estate ~ and lost it all. Almost overnight he went from being a multi millionaire ~ to driving a used car with over 100,000 miles on it and trying to scrape together enough to pay the rent on a second class two bedroom apartment. He's back on his game now, and is back to being a millionaire ~ wiser for the lessons that he's learned. He was a radio talk show, and a web site. Then there's Mary Hunt, and her "Debt Proof Living" books, and websiste (Goggle). She also has a weekly syndicated column that runs in a lot of newspaper. Mary, had accumulated over $100,000 in credit card debt, + car leases (fleaces) and a house mortage, and her husband was a bank loan officer!!! Her books and website tells of how she climbed out of the abyssis, and paid off the $100,000 + in credit card debt withouit going into bankruptcy. It took her 13 years, and she says that if she had known then what she knows now, she could have done it in half the time. She has a website, (I can't link you its in violation of LS policy to link to paid sites) To gain full access to all it has to offer and its fourmn you'll have to either subscribe to the snail mail or email newsletter. ($2 a month ~ worth 10X that for the information it contains.) If you subscribe to the on line newsletter, (recommended) and access that database of recipies, cost cutting, dealing with creditiors, stepping back from the edge etc it is repleat with ideas about "getting good at getting by" and "getting good at making do!" Worth every penny. Its full of stories such as yours, and you'll be amzaed at how much worse off than you are, (Some real horror stories in there!) As for the DW, the best I've got to offer is that you go with what James said. Be optomistic, but be realistic. Hope and pray for the best, be very much prepared for the worse! I can absolutely assure you that you won't get any sympathy for your illness, and the more displays of mental and emotional weakness, the further you're going to drive her away. So enough with the being mentally, and emotionally weak minded. So don't even try and play the sympathy card, it won't get you anywhere. My Baby Sis is the first 39 year old adult in the entire world to come down with a type of cancer (Brain tumor) that no one in the world under the age of six has ever been diagonsed with. She's in remission now. When the Doc's gave her a 10% chance, she told them, "I'll f****** DIE, WHEN I GET GOOD AND DAMN READY! RIGHT NOW, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME, I'M TOO BUSY LIVING!" ( Spit tobacco juice in your eye type Texas gal and all!) {Sidebar ~ Damn, Mama raised some tough mean ass youngins!" LOL! When I was 11 or 12 and moved to a new town, my way of introducting myself was, "Hi! My name is Dan! Want to FIGHT!!!!!! :mad: :mad: I'm not kidding, they still talk about it in my hometown!}
JamesM Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 I can absolutely assure you that you won't get any sympathy for your illness, and the more displays of mental and emotional weakness, the further you're going to drive her away. So enough with the being mentally, and emotionally weak minded. So don't even try and play the sympathy card, it won't get you anywhere. I have to agree with this. Many times women like strength in their men. That doesn't mean you cannot be vulnerable, it means you can't let it happen too often. It means that you need to bounce back and take control of your life. In this case. she needs to see that you have a plan. You have an optimistic outlook regarding your MS. You have a plan regarding your future. To her this means you can handle a woman like her in your life, and she can then feel secure.
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