am i wrong?

[Walk]

I was upset with my bf yesterday. More hurt, then upset. But I felt like, as long as we did what he wanted to, then he was happy to have me along, but if there was something I wanted to do, then I could go do it myself. alone.

 

This is my last "free" weekend before the start of classes, internship, and the dreaded job hunt for graduation in april. My bf works 80 hour weeks. Gone all week, home sat and most of sunday then usually leaves sunday evening. He pays all the bills. I take 18 credit hours a semester. I've offered numerous times to help with bills, he refuses. I have on a rare occasion convinced him to let me pay the rent or a bill here and there. But then it's kind of like he's doing me a favor by allowing me to pay it.

 

Anyway, I'll try to condense this... I spent all day friday helping my bf out, driving to the next town over (45 minutes away). I was fine with it. I told him I had to go over to my parents house Saturday evening. I probably wasn't clear with him why I was going over there, but hell, doesn't seem like he's ever interested in what I'm doing, or what I have to say. I give him one shot now... I told him I had to go to my parents, and at what time. That I was bringing a harddrive over for them, and a gift to bribe my 5 yr old niece into forgiving me for missing her bday party. He made a joke about it, and switched the convo back onto him. I dropped it.

 

Saturday comes. He makes plans with his buddies. I go to my parents alone. I feel like... as long as I'm willing to do what he wants, then he's happy to have me tag along, but I have to pay him to do something I want to do. I owe him for it. He's been telling me he likes my parents.. then last night tells me that my mom's is shallow, vain and fake. Same with my brother...

 

I got home later from my parents, my bf's buddy is at our apartment and they're playing a video game. I walk in, grab a drink, sit down... I'm not even acknowledged. Sit there.. sit there..... about 15 minutes goes by before my bf even says anything directed at me. But not anything related to "how was my time at my parents", just something about the game.

 

The buddy finally leaves... bf talks about how tired he is. I'm feeling hurt, angry, pushed aside. I'd just wanted him to want to do something with me. Even if it wasn't something he'd particularly enjoy, or want to do on his own. But because he loves me, and wants to spend time with me. It's not like we see each other all week. We see each other for 2 days a week. That's it. And most of that time he's sleeping or off with his buddies. I can either tag along, or I can get lost.

 

So the buddy leaves, my bf makes an innuendo that he wants sex. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm blowing this way out of proportion. That I shouldn't be hurt. He takes a shower, comes out and I'm naked on the bed. Then he doesn't want sex. He asks me what's wrong. So I tell him. I'm feeling hurt and confused by my feelings and I feel like he's happy to have me along, but if it's something I wanna do, then I can go by myself. He talks to me for a short while, then gets up and leaves... I get dressed, follow him out like a good puppy, and ask why he left the room. He told me he was upset because he never asks for sex, and yet again when he asked, I make it so we can't.

 

Lot of him talking, me sitting there. Til it gets to the point where he's made it clear I was wrong that I didn't ask him to come with me to my parents. And makes it clear that he never denies me anything. That he goes out of his way for me. Basically, it was all my fault that I was hurt. Not his. After a couple hours of this, I just told him what he wanted to hear. Then he gets upset that I told him what he wanted to hear. I gave up and went to bed. He slept on the couch all night. Wakes me up this morning to tell me breakfast was ready, then as soon as breakfast was over, he went to bed.

 

I feel like I created a monster. I do feel like this is all my fault. I feel like... like he keeps things so that he can complete control over the relationship. Like how he works 80 hour weeks to pay all the bills... I scraped up $4,000 so he could quit his job and we'd be set for at least 3 months. He won't even discuss it. Just no. I have no say in the matter. I feel like this is all designed to give him the most leverage, and so he can always say "I work hard, you owe me". Everything designed so that he has ultimate say.

 

Lastly... I'm never asking him to come to my parents house, or family gathering again. If he even hints he wants to go, I'm going to flat out tell him I don't want him there. I'm not going to "owe" him for going with me to something that is incredibly important to me. Maybe this is screwed up, but I believe if it's important to your partner, then it should be important to you. Obviously I'm wrong in that assumption. And my bf said I was ****ed up for thinking that way.

 

This entire post is biased and from my emotional standpoint. I don't know if you can dig through the crap enough to pick out the facts, but I'd really like an unbiased view on this. Assuming you made it through to this part... Should I have been hurt? Did I over react? I'm still hurt, and I can't get it to just go away. I think he wants me to apologize to him now, make it up to him. I don't want to. Should I?

[Touche]

There are many issues here but the thing I came away with here is that you simply don't accept each other as you are. I always say "square peg, round hole."

 

I have to admit that I'm a little like your b/f. I'm selfish when it comes to "my" time. That's time when I'm not working or taking care of my family. I need a lot of "me" time.

 

I've at times bowed out of H's family gatherings and even one of his best friend's wedding. I feel badly about that sometimes. But I've also gone to many events and gatherings that I DIDN'T want to go to. I do it for him. Thing is, I don't do it every single time he wants me to.

 

Does your b/f EVER do things for you that he doesn't want to do? I mean because no one will do what you want every single time.

 

My H doesn't like it when I say no but he accepts the way I am. He will not be too thrilled me for a lilttle while but then he accepts it and gets over it and I go to whatever it is he wants me to go do the next time. Hey, he doesn't always do what I want him to do either. I accept that about him. My disappointment, just like his, lasts for a short while and then I get on with whatever I wanted to do without him.

 

I guess I'm saying that I'm not seeing acceptance for who you both are. I'm seeing resentment on both your parts.

 

You simply cannot change a person. You've expressed your dissatisfaction so now he will either change or he won't. Playing games with him is immature. If the NEXT time he decides to go, why deny him? That would be cutting off your own nose. I can't imagine my H telling me the next time "no, you can't go with me since you didn't want to go last time." No, he's happy when I do what he wants.

 

So, do you see what I'm saying? YOU have to make a decision about whether you can accept how he is. Otherwise you will just be continously disappointed. And that's no way to have a good relationship.

 

As for the whole money issue...hmmm, I don't know. I see power plays going on on both sides here. That's a death knell to a relationship. It needs to stop. Why do you need his permission to pay for this or that. Just do it.

 

Anyway, sounds like once you start working that power balance will shift. It shouldn't be like that to begin with though.

 

My opinion? I don't see long-term success with this relationship from things you've said here and in the past. I just don't see it. Too many issues...and all kind of big ones. Too much resentment and too many disappointments.

 

Maybe I'm wrong though. I don't know how much of it is GOOD..and that's important. Does the good outweigh the bad? The good has to be the majority of the relationship and has to be REALLY good in order to make this a fulfilling relationship. Is it? Do you feel fulfilled?

 

If not...I'd cut my losses and hold out for the REAL DEAL because this doesn't really sound like it to me.

[Walk]

Does your b/f EVER do things for you that he doesn't want to do? I mean because no one will do what you want every single time.

 

He went to christmas with me. I can't remember the last time before that. I remember asking him back in october to come with me to see my family, he refused. I remember back in July I asked him to do something with me, he refused until I finally blew up and had to shout over him about how important it was that he came with me. Then he agreed. Why did I have to blow up to get him to understand it's important to me? July is the last time I can remember asking him and having him agree... (after I got upset. )

 

I don't have a problem with him doing his own thing... But it seems like it's Always his thing. If I want to do what he wants, then I can come along. If I want to do something different, then I am going alone while he does whatever he wanted to do.

 

He said I ask wrong... that I ask him if he wants to go with me. And since he never does, then he always says no. But if I told him I wanted him to come with me, and then offered to repay his generousity with sex, then he'd go.

 

Playing games with him is immature. If the NEXT time he decides to go, why deny him? That would be cutting off your own nose. I can't imagine my H telling me the next time "no, you can't go with me since you didn't want to go last time." No, he's happy when I do what he wants.

 

I know it's immature. But I'm so frustrated and pissed off right now. If he thinks my parents are shallow, vain, and fake.. then why the hell would I want him around them? He's telling me with one breath that he doesn't mind my parents, second breath he's saying why he can't stand them. WTF? My father even offered to pay for my bf's college if my bf chose to go back to school. No obligation to repay, only a desire to see him succeed. Obviously my bf didn't want it. But, damn.. my parents have bent over backward to accept my bf into the family, and he repays it by talking bad about them???? WTF?

 

YOU have to make a decision about whether you can accept how he is. Otherwise you will just be continously disappointed. And that's no way to have a good relationship.

 

I can't. He either figures out that it's a joint venture, or he's flying solo again.

 

As for the whole money issue...hmmm, I don't know. I see power plays going on on both sides here. That's a death knell to a relationship. It needs to stop. Why do you need his permission to pay for this or that. Just do it.

 

'Cause he gets pissed if i don't ask and just do. He believes it's usurping his authority. I actually don't have a problem with it. He's got problems mentally, ok... I know this. He doesnt' feel worthwhile if he feels he isn't capable of financially supporting those he cares about. He's linked financial capability to his self-worth. If I pay the bills, then he's not capable, and he's worthless... in his eyes.

 

He can have all the say he wants... as long as my wishes/feelings/desires are weighed as highly as his. Lately, it doesn't feel like they are. So the power struggle comes out. I just feel like lately I'm invisible. Unless I **** up. THen I'm seen.

 

Maybe I'm wrong though. I don't know how much of it is GOOD..and that's important. Does the good outweigh the bad? The good has to be the majority of the relationship and has to be REALLY good in order to make this a fulfilling relationship. Is it? Do you feel fulfilled?

 

Majority of the time, it's great. I love seeing him happy, I have a great time doing stuff he enjoys doing. I've put in a huge effort the past three years to get along with his brother and friend. I want him to spend time with them... I'm normally just happy to do whatever. Its not a big deal to me.

 

And as long as we set up a time to spend together later that day, then I'm happy to see him off with his friends while I do something else. But I'm really feeling taken advantage of lately. He asks for more and more. He had no right to get upset with me because I wasn't in the mood for sex. I wasn't saying he was an ass, or that he hurt me intentionally. I was just telling him I felt hurt and why. All he had to say was that he didn't think I wanted him to come to my parents, give me a hug, tell me he loves me, back to par. end of story. But no... it's gotta be how it's all my fault. That I don't ask right. That I'm too needy. That he does sooooo much, and how little i do. etc etc... until it turns into this convoluted mess! And god forbid if I attempt to tell my point of view, then I'm attacking him. Then I'm being defensive. Then I'm not seeing reason.

 

I don't want to break up with him. He's a good guy. But I'm frustrated that it seems like he gets mad that I won't talk to him, then gets mad when I do talk to him. Where's that leave me? Walking out the door.... I don't want that. But hell... unless he's willing to meet me half way, then what other choice do I have?

[Touche]

So do you think he'll meet you half way?

 

I'm not seeing any give and take here. It seems it's all about him and what HE needs. I'm sure he's a good guy. He wants to take care of you and that's nice but he wants things his way or no way. And that's not good.

 

What is his issue with the WAY you make requests? How does he think you should ask?

 

See, here's what I've learned in my life. Sometimes, you can be with a really good guy...decent, upstanding, doesn't cheat but yet, you're simply incompatible. That's whay I'm seeing here. And those are the most frustrating relationships.

 

If the simplest of conversations deteriorate into an argument and silent treatment, then you're not compatible. It's really that simple. You can love someone with every fibre of your being and it can still be the wrong person for you.

 

That's been one of the hardest lessons I've learned in my life.

 

Good relationships don't require so much work. They really don't. You shouldn't have to constantly watch what you say and how you say it...you shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time or that you might just piss him off by merely stating your feelings.

 

There's something really wrong when you're in a relationship where you feel invisible and not heard. Of all the people in the world your SO should be the ONE person in the world who makes you feel like you matter and that you're listened to. If you're not feeling that, Walk then you're simply not compatible. No matter how much you love this man. It's a hard thing to swallow...I know.

[Walk]

There's something really wrong when you're in a relationship where you feel invisible and not heard. Of all the people in the world your SO should be the ONE person in the world who makes you feel like you matter and that you're listened to. If you're not feeling that, Walk then you're simply not compatible. No matter how much you love this man. It's a hard thing to swallow...I know.

 

I'm having a hard time determining if it's "him" or my screwed up head that causes me to feel invisible. Seems like I've had this issue with everyone important in my life. So it leads me to believe it's what I'm doing, or not doing... But then again, my bf is cutting me off when I'm talking about something I felt was important. Even if the reason for cutting me off is legit (most times it is), the least he could do is bring it back up again later. But it's just forgotten. On the flip side.. if it was so important, then maybe I should be the one to keep bringing it back up. I don't know... What's right in that situation?

[Touche]

Maybe you pick controlling guys over and over...I don't know.

 

As far as your question. I wouldn't LET him cut me off, Walk. You sound a little wimpy sometimes. We tell others how to treat us.

 

If it were me, it'd go like this..."No, I'm sorry but I wasn't finished talking. When I'm done I'll be more than happy to hear what you have to say but not until then..so as I was saying.."

 

That's how it would go. And if he walks away or cuts you off again...I'd walk away. You're letting him get the upper hand too often. Don't let him. One of two things will happen if you stand up to him..he'll either back the hell off or it will deteriorate even further. Find out which it's going to be NOW!

 

Because it can't continue this way.

[whichwayisup]

I'm having a hard time determining if it's "him" or my screwed up head that causes me to feel invisible.

 

His NON actions, like him not acknowledging you when you come into the room makes you feel invisible. Him not making you feel important in his life is making you feel invisible. Him not listening to what you have to say, or putting your needs ahead of his own is making you feel invisible. He seems uninterested in YOU in general Walk.

 

I know you love him and "sometimes" he is a good guy who treats you well, but how often does that 'good guy' come around? How often are you really angry, hurt or pissed off at him? It just seems more and more he isn't meeting your needs...He's like a roommate with benefits, sometimes he's your boyfriend and other times he just wants to DO his own thing, which inturn, means YOU get to do what he wants...

 

When was the last time you two had a romantic night out? dinner and a movie? Or dinner and dancing? Having fun one on one?

 

Unfortunately he seems like one of these guys "I am who I am, and if you don't like it - Too bad"... This guy better learn how to compromise.

[Porn_Guy]

Unfortunately he seems like one of these guys "I am who I am, and if you don't like it - Too bad"...

hey thats me!

[Walk]

I talked to him again tonight. We agreed that I would ask when I wanted him to go with me, but I'd be more forceful in how I asked. Because I hate forcing someone to do something they don't want to, then I end up "asking" in ways that make it seem like it's not that big of a deal if the person doesn't want to. Like I could care less if they go or don't.

 

It's ironic you posted about me being wussy. That's kind of what my bf was just saying. Not quite worded that way, but the meaning was close to the same. Just that I needed to be more steadfast and less wishy washy in what I wanted from him. So that he'd have a more clear cut idea of what he needed to do to make me happy.

 

He does try really hard to make me happy.

 

Thanks for talking with me about this Touche. I really appreciate the feedback and your support. It means a great deal to me. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

hey thats me!

 

I have a comment but I won't say it right now. Save it for another time, another place in space!

 

I talked to him again tonight. We agreed that I would ask when I wanted him to go with me, but I'd be more forceful in how I asked. Because I hate forcing someone to do something they don't want to, then I end up "asking" in ways that make it seem like it's not that big of a deal if the person doesn't want to. Like I could care less if they go or don't.

 

But, if it is important to you, then he should go - whether he wants to or not.

There are things I do for my husband, places I go that i don't wanna go, but I do it because he wants me there...Sometimes ya just gotta suck it up and GO. And act OK and happy with it.

 

It's ironic you posted about me being wussy. That's kind of what my bf was just saying. Not quite worded that way, but the meaning was close to the same. Just that I needed to be more steadfast and less wishy washy in what I wanted from him. So that he'd have a more clear cut idea of what he needed to do to make me happy.

 

You're not a wussy, you're a peacemaker and don't wanna make waves. It's easier to let him have his way then fight it out and watch him throw a sheety fit. Pick your battles, that's all.

 

He does try really hard to make me happy.

 

Good, and I just wish he could that MORE.

[Touche]

You're very welcome Walk. Glad I could be of help.

 

I debated whether to make that "wuss" remark or not but I thought it would do you good to hear it. Men, just like women, respect a person who can stand up for themselves and who can be clear about what they want and need. And I did think that that was part of the problem for you.

 

Men especially need to hear in a very direct way what it is that you want and need. Don't make him have any doubt about whether it's important to you or not.

 

And like I said, he won't ALWAYS do what you want...who does, right? But I think you can get want you want from him more often, if you're not wishy washy about it.

 

As it stands, he's not really giving you the respect that he should. You can change that. Command his respect by being more assertive.

 

So what do you think? You think you can do it, Walk?

[Walk]

As it stands, he's not really giving you the respect that he should. You can change that. Command his respect by being more assertive.

 

So what do you think? You think you can do it, Walk?

I can. As long as I don't let myself fall back into "comfort mode". I think I'll make it my main goal for the next two months. See if it changes anything. If I ask clearly and with conviction and he still says "Hell no", then game on. hahah

 

I hate having to be pushy about what I want though. Really hate it. But I don't want to get caught in the same situation I was in with my marriage. That sucked.

[Walk]

His NON actions, like him not acknowledging you when you come into the room makes you feel invisible. Him not making you feel important in his life is making you feel invisible. Him not listening to what you have to say, or putting your needs ahead of his own is making you feel invisible. He seems uninterested in YOU in general Walk.

 

I brought that up tonight when we talked. He seemed shocked at first, then insisted he did say "hi" when I walked in the door after seeing my parents. I believe him. He's a low talker most the time, and the video game was pretty loud.. and I was studiously avoiding looking at him. He also said he tried to catch my attention a couple of times, but that I ignored him. I didn't hear him.

 

And I told him that I felt like he didn't care about what I thought or felt. He replied that he was having a hard time talking to me. That my life right now is "school" and it isn't something he can really have a conversation with me about. He said he's happy to listen, but he doesn't understand a lot of what I'm doing right now, so he can't contribute. And his damn job just makes things a thousand times more frustrating for both of us. When we talk on the phone, he's working, so he's always partly focused on what he has to do, and partly listening to me. Its not always his fault. God I wish he'd quit. I hate this ****ing job. I'd rather live under a bush then have him keep working this job. I'm unhappy he's never here. I'm tired of him being pissed off and surly about the job. I want him to quit. And I can't ask him to.

 

He's like a roommate with benefits, sometimes he's your boyfriend and other times he just wants to DO his own thing, which inturn, means YOU get to do what he wants...

 

I never suggest we do anything either. I'm boring I guess. I enjoy just hanging out and talking with him. Or window shopping with his buddies on saturday morning. I don't even play video games... and I still find it fun to tag along.

 

When was the last time you two had a romantic night out? dinner and a movie? Or dinner and dancing? Having fun one on one?

Can't remember the last time we had a "date" night. two years ago.?? maybe. I might be forgetting a more recent time.. not sure. But how much of this is his uninterest in me, and how much of it's just him being wore out, beat up from work, and dead tired? He'll go if I ask. He just doesn't have much ambition to plan it and do it if I don't push for him to do it.

[Touche]

I can. As long as I don't let myself fall back into "comfort mode". I think I'll make it my main goal for the next two months. See if it changes anything. If I ask clearly and with conviction and he still says "Hell no", then game on. hahah

 

I hate having to be pushy about what I want though. Really hate it. But I don't want to get caught in the same situation I was in with my marriage. That sucked.

 

I don't know your history with your marriage but are you saying that this was an issue then too?

 

And don't think of it as being pushy. It's called being assertive..not pushy. There's a difference.

 

Remember the part where I mentioned how I would have handled his interruption? Do you think that's being pushy or is it just asserting one's self?

 

I think it would help if you don't look at it as being pushy. Pushy is rude. Pushy is obnoxious. Pushy is "in your face." Being assertive, on the other hand, is being direct and unwavering and not wimpy. It's respectful but firm at the same time. It commands respect.

 

I know you can do it. I've seen a strong side to you in your posts so you absolutely have it in you.

 

It's funny because you're one of the posters I really respect. You "tell it like it is" in such an articulate and direct manner. I'm sure you can translate that into real life since you already have that in you.

 

So see how it goes. I think you will be surprised at the results. And don't back down and apologize after you state with conviction what it is that you want from him.

 

Good luck, Walk! Give us progress reports, ok?

[orangehose]

Man, so much of what you've described in this thread reminds me of my previous (and first) relationship. A lot of the problems were similar - he didn't seem terribly interested in what I had to say (he'd immediately change the subject or end a conversation), he wouldn't do activities that I had suggested (though I could tag along with him to his events), etc

 

When I brought it up with him, he'd either ignore it or say I had to be more opinionated and demanding, that relationships were about sharing interests and mutual exchange. He'd say I needed to make greater efforts to integrate him with my friends, that I needed to come up with things for us to do together, share more of who I am, etc etc.

 

But it was all lip service. The thing was, I tried to do ALL those things, and I'd get rejected. When I did invite him to some event, he'd make excuses. When I did try to get him to meet my friends, he'd act disinterested and say he was tired and needed to go home. Even in our conversations, after patiently listening to his monologues, I'd try to talk to him more and share something interesting to me, and suddenly he'd say he "had to go" or was "terribly tired".

 

Also, like your BF, my BF was tremendously work-oriented, and also geared towards socializing and extroverting with the world. In a year of dating we rented a movie two or three times, because his idea of a good weekend was going out to a party and socializing with others. I could go along with that for a while, but it's not what I want for a lifetime.

 

Now, I'm not anti-social, but like you seem to prefer, I prefer having a good amount of "alone" time with an SO. I also prefer someone who's naturally interested in what I have to say, etc etc. There's some truth in recommending increased assertiveness, but I kind of hope that someday I'll find someone that I don't have to beat to death to take an interest in me, my interests, my friends, my thoughts.

 

Like another poster, I've sort of chalked this up to compatibility and respect issues, and I see some similar issues in your description of your relationship. I also think - and this may applyto your situation as well - that sometimes one person in a couple just doesn't operate at a high enough volume for the other person. So one person feels like they're trying to be heard but not succeeding, and this breeds resentment.

 

When we were breaking up, my Bf said he felt he had only seen a superficial "shell" of me in a year of dating, that I didn't seem to have a core "this is ME" kind of identity and wasn't opinionated enough and I didn't seem to care passionately about anything. I mulled over that for a while, but now I just think that he was too self-absorbed to really connect to me and see who I was. This is just an idea, but I sort of see some self-absorption in your Bf as well (based on your description).

[orangehose]

I'm having a hard time determining if it's "him" or my screwed up head that causes me to feel invisible. Seems like I've had this issue with everyone important in my life. So it leads me to believe it's what I'm doing, or not doing... But then again, my bf is cutting me off when I'm talking about something I felt was important. Even if the reason for cutting me off is legit (most times it is), the least he could do is bring it back up again later. But it's just forgotten. On the flip side.. if it was so important, then maybe I should be the one to keep bringing it back up. I don't know... What's right in that situation?

 

 

I can also relate to this issue of not knowing whether the feeling of invisibility is invented inside yourself or actually justified. You sound pretty analytical (as I am too), and sometimes that's a problem for us. Anyway, on my part, I decided that the etiology of why I felt invisible didn't matter - if I felt it, it was a problem.

[Walk]

Man, so much of what you've described in this thread reminds me of my previous (and first) relationship. A lot of the problems were similar - he didn't seem terribly interested in what I had to say (he'd immediately change the subject or end a conversation), he wouldn't do activities that I had suggested (though I could tag along with him to his events), etc

 

This is just an idea, but I sort of see some self-absorption in your Bf as well (based on your description).

 

I understand what you're saying. My last relationship was bad like that. Hell, the guy ended every sentence with "Do you understand what I'm saying?". Like I was some kind of brainless idiot who needed simple concepts explained. :roll eyes:

 

I don't think my bf is intentionally not interested in what I am thinking or saying. I think he is very interested. Sometimes I need him to show it though. I get a lot of conflicting signals. And that causes me to feel hurt, and confused sometimes. Then it's hard to discuss what the problem is because I'm not quite able to pinpoint just one thing. Seperately, they are so little as to be insignificant... all together though, they send a message. But it's hard for me to discuss it with him when there are so many little things.

 

Anyway.. He left sunday evening to go back to work. I didn't talk to him until late this afternoon. He called right before my classes started and wanted to wish me good luck with them today. The job he has, he's lucky to get 6 hours off a day to sleep.. He had from 1:30 til 7 off today. Anyway.. he set his alarm clock so he'd wake up after I got out of classes so he could ask me how they went. Yawning the entire time, but still... it wasn't something he had to do. And it means a lot that he did.

 

I don't know.. He can be a prick, but he sure tries to overcome his prickish tendencies for me. As long as he still trying, and not just giving lip service, then the relationship will work.

[CaterpillarGirl]

As long as he still trying, and not just giving lip service, then the relationship will work.

 

Just remember "trying" and "progressing" are two different things. Good luck!

[Bigijs]

Hi, I've read your posts and I have to admit that a good relationship doesn't need to be such a hard thing.

 

One of the things that struck me is - hey, you have lost a sparkle in your relationship.

 

A sparkle, an attraction.

 

You have to get your act together on your inner game.

 

You have to make your BF run after you. To chase you. You have to tease him verbaly and physically.

 

You have to create this attraction inside him.

And don't tell him all the time that you love him, that you'll be always his forever.

 

Don't do that!

 

When do men chase after things? - they are chasing after things when they DON'T KNOW for sure if they got them.

 

So, leave him in a little doubt about your relationship.

 

And improve your physical appearance.

Neglecting your looks may cause some negative things, really.

 

I've heard many stories when women tell me, "Oh we have such a great relationship with my BF. I never use makeup and etc..... And after some months - bum - he dumped her.

 

And when he is really into you again, then things will change with ease! Indeed.

 

All you are talking here about is outer game, but the first thing is inner game. Inner system of values and believes.

 

So, start improving your inner stuff.

[orangehose]

 

I don't think my bf is intentionally not interested in what I am thinking or saying. I think he is very interested. Sometimes I need him to show it though. I get a lot of conflicting signals. And that causes me to feel hurt, and confused sometimes. Then it's hard to discuss what the problem is because I'm not quite able to pinpoint just one thing. Seperately, they are so little as to be insignificant... all together though, they send a message. But it's hard for me to discuss it with him when there are so many little things.

 

 

Oh, this totally rings another bell - the inability to name one terrible offense, because what's hurtful is this big PATTERN made of little instances...

 

Happened a good deal with my ex - lots of little things would build up, mostly to do with being ignored and not respected... I'd mention things gently as they occurred and not get a response, then I'd withdraw for a while and try to ignore my hurt... Then days later he'd might finally say, "is anything wrong?" And then I wouldn't even know where to begin or what to say, but inside I'd feel like my intestines were being tied in knots. Well, that's exaggeration, but you know what i mean.

 

It's a hard thing because there's a lot of self-doubt too... As in, "no this really shouldn't bother me". But it's not particular little incidents that are painful, but PATTERNS that really suck...

 

Anyway, good luck to you with this...