iamsofoolish80 Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 So, I originally posted a message on here on Jan 1. I posted a book, practically... Anyway, in short, my GF had been isolating herself from me, feeling very defensive in any conversation we had and acting resentful with me... It hurt. So I had to ask what this was all about... So she came out and said it... "We've been arguin for 2 years and each time I tell you you need to change your attitude or you would lose me and you would tell me... 'Do what you have to do!' That hurt me each and every time you said it. [i was saying it sarcastically... I really didn't want her to leave me and I told her this time and time again. I would say it out of spite because she always runs from her relationships when there is a sign of trouble...]" She continues... "I'm not sure what I want right now but I think the best thing for me is to get my own place, be more independent because I feel inadequate as you do so much for me and I feel like I cannot do anything for myself". She goes to school full time, works full time, and is involved in an artistic career; therefore, to alleviate some of her stress, I did a lot to assist her in terms of her responsibilities. I basically picked up for her... and now she feels inadequate. She said, "God forbid we are married and you pass away... how do I know I can handle myself? You do everything!" Well... I thought I was helping, apparently I was doing more bad than good and she felt this was me being controlling. Even though I explained to her that my intentions were not to take over her life, she doesn't see it in that way right now. We've been together for 7 years... she said she also felt like she was sitting around waiting for something to happen... Ironically, I was feeling the same way and for this reason, I took a loan to buy her an engagement ring 5 days prior to this conversation... so I told her and she started crying. Right now she says she is really confused and needs time to sort all of this and that the 2 years of arguin' do not help because each time I said I would change but I took the opportunities for granted and right now she feels so cold and isolated from me. She claims she still loves me and that she will always love me but she says that she cannot consolidate her mind with her heart. She says her heart tells her stay and work things out, but her mind says, "get out to keep your sanity". Ok... so the other irony... I realized we had been fighting a lot, and it has a lot to do with the stress at my job. I work a very high profile job and the stress I have in my job comes home with me. My job controls my life. I work hours that I have no control over sometimes. I could lose my job and get prosecuted by the state if I abandon my job during a shift because I put lives in danger and this has caused lots and lots of stress for me. I'm even more stressed out because I've been applying for a new job for 4 - 5 months now to no avail. I cannot find ajob that pays well enough to allow me to afford rent, marriage, etc. BUT I bought the ring because I realized there was a sacrifice to be made. At this point, I've cancelled the ring purchase. And have paid the loan I owed. She asked for space and left to her sis' house. I have had casual conversations with her and of course, they've lead to the whole, I miss you, please give me another chance conversation, but right now she says she cannot envision us getting back together as she feels at peace right now that she is no longer staying with me. She is in search of an apartment as well during this time. HOWEVER... she continues to tell me she misses me, loves me and will always loves me, but she's just not sure. I have seen her on New Years and Last Night. No sexual contact. Just being in each other's presence and very light intimacy in terms of touching, and small tap kisses. One of the things that's changed about me is my appearance over the 7 years. I have gained some weight. Since she's left I've lost 30 lbs. When she saw me on New Years her eyes opened wide and she was so impressed. She said, You look so great! And her eyes got teary and she gave me a hug. I also had 1 dozen roses at hand and she cried for those as well. Our relationship wasn't all fights... we've had many many many great moments, but in the last year, more like in the last few months, we've been arguin a lot. Hence, I've said in the last 5 months I've been the most frustrated ever... I used her as my punching bag. Well, after New Years, we got into the whole I want another chance and again, she said, this was not fair because she has not had time to think. So I let it be. No contact, expect for some casual contact she initiated in which the basic hellos, and how are you doing were discussed. Well, I saw her last night for an anniversary date she still wanted to take place. I picked her up at work, she looked so beautiful. First thing I did was compliment her and tell her how beautiful she looked and she said, Noooooo... i said, yes you look so beautiful. She really does. She is absolutely gorgeous. And now that I'm missing her she looks more gorgeous to me. So we go to the Ballet... one of her life long dreams... and I loved it! She was so thrilled that I loved it. She did also. During the intermission, she told me how great I looked... REMEMBER IM LOSING WEIGHT... HAD A NICE SUIT ON... and she fixed my collar... and her eyes got teary and she gave me a kiss on the lips and said she loved me. Then she turned her face and looked sooo hurt. So the Ballet finishes and we go to dinner. I had reservations at a restaurant we've been to before but I suggested skipping on those and going to another part of town and getting her favorite... she was thrilled. So we did so... It was like a movie. We sat, had dinner and spoke. Spoke about everything but our relationship. Then there was a bit of silence during a few bites and when I looked up she was looking at me and she said, "You know... this experience we're going through right now has been positive for you. You're doing some very positive things with your time. You're losing weight. You're being more positive. I don't know if you have changed any but when we speak you seem like you're really committed to changing..." So I thanked her for acknowleding the change and explained and stated that I was never so committed to anything as I am now. For myself and with the hopes that she considers giving us another chance. I told her that our timing was off because I knew I needed this change and she was on her way out the door because she felt the same, but that it was a matter of timing and that I really really understand that I needed the change... I said, I've had the opportunity to think about "What is it that I'm fighting for... Is it a lost cause. But I don't feel it is." I asked her if she felt it was and she said she didn't think it was fair to ask her because she hasn't had the time to think. Her problem is that she doesn't like showing her feelings to anyone. She prefers to be in her own space and cry and just be herself... where she's at now, she cannot do that. She doesn't ant her niece who loves her a lot asking questions she doesn't want to discuss with her. So she said she will deal with it when she gets her own place... So we left the conversation there and went on to something else... and then soon after, dinner was over, the rain stopped, as it was raining like in the movies and I took her home... then I went home. When we got to her home, she seem a bit cold/quiet/a bit depressed. I'm sure our conversation had something to do with this... I don't know what to make of this... But do you think last night caused her to begin her thinking process??? At this point, I will give her the space she asked for and let her lead. If she contacts me, I will keep conversations casual/friendly and no talk of relationship. Do you think she still cares and is still considering a chance? I want to marry this girl. She is absolutely amazing. And I'm not a bad guy. I'm just going through a rough time. I've never never treated her in this manner. And it has pushed her away... is it possible that she can get over her resentfulness towards me and find that warm space? I know this was lengthly but I wanted to provide as much detail. What do you think? I don't know what to think. That look in her eyes, the tears, her smile... they seem so real, but then they disappear into darkness. I don't know what to think. I was thinking of still proposing as I was planning to do so. But I'm not sure. I tried getting input from her sister, as she lives with her, but she doesn't become involved. She won't tell me to do it or not to do it, she stays neutral and tells me its my decision. And I know it is... I just don't want to look like a fool. But I want to show her I am serious! I am so serious about this!
Island Girl Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 It sounds like she really loves you but your actions (using her as your "punching bag") caused her to take a look at what her future would be like. If you keep getting into the 'second chance' conversation you are pretty much a goner. You need to stop talking about it. DON'T bring it up. And none of the "miss you" "still love you", etc. stuff either. If you are giving her space - then give her SPACE. Quit seeing her all the time. Let her be on her own and prove to herself that she can do that. That lesson doesn't take very long. Here's what you can do. Actions speak louder than words. If you are commited to changing - keep doing it whether you are speaking with her or not. It isn't all about her. She needs to see you are commited to changing no matter what. That you saw things in yourself you didn't like and you are fixing them. Only then can she feel that it isn't just to get her back and the right back to the horrible last year again.
Island Girl Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 AND BY THE WAY - CONGRATULATIONS ON THE HARD WORK TO IMPROVE YOURSELF -- AND THE WEIGHT LOSS!!! WHOOO HOOOO I forgot that part...
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