KittenMoon Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I haven't ranted in a while, so I'm indulging myself tonight. WTF is with getting kicked when you're down? I've been really sad and missing my ex the past few days- I survived the holidays, I survived our traditional New Years party which was traditional in every aspect except HE was missing, etc etc etc. Today I decided to get my @$$ moving on some major cleaning- including my closet FROM HELL. You know that closet, it's full of all the random stuff that has no other place but that you're too stupid to throw out. So I clean, organized, threw stuff out, etc etc. So much of it reminded me of HIM- computer parts from when he built me the very computer I'm typing on now, dozens of CDs with his handwriting on them, stuffed animals he gave me, sketches of him I did in art school, even a couple of pictures. The topper was a bag of sea glass and shells and other stuff we picked out of low tide at his parent's house on the shore- we climbed down slippery rocks together, got messy, it was a wonderful time. My heart ached and ached, but I wanted the closet clean more than I felt like hiding from memories. Here's where I get kicked: Tonight my friend emails me asking if I would be interested in meeting this guy who was flirting with her today- she's just home visiting from law school so she couldn't pursue him herself, so she wondered if I'd like to meet him because he seemed cool. I declined, luckily able to hide behind the fact that he's a barista at my fav coffee shop and I said I didn't want to sh*t where I eat (I LOVE this coffee shop and want to keep it 110% drama free). It shouldn't have been a big deal, but here I am, crying again. After nearly a year and trying everything I can possibly think of to cope, I still get reduced to tears on a regular basis. (For you newbies, yes, I'm already in therapy and on anti-d meds because of this). Y'all who know my story know I've pretty much done everything from elevated my career to a plethora of new hobbies and friends and travel, etc etc etc. AND IT STILL HURTS ALL THE TIME. I begin to wonder if I am just a lost cause. -------- And here's sort of a seperate rant: I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I AM PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone from my brother's gf (who is timid and barely speaks to me) to random guys on the street tell me how beautiful I am. ANd personality-wise too. I'm one of those "You're gonna be a great catch for someone" creatures of the damned. And everytime someone tells me how pretty I am, or how great, I just think "Obviously not pretty or great enough, because HE left" and I just want to scream and scream and scream. I could go on. I could rant about how I can't stand when a close friend asks if I'm dating at all in that "I'm afraid you're fragile as glass" voice, and how it nearly reduces me to tears. I could rant about how he felt like home to me, and how homeless I feel now. And I could rant how he just won't let me go... and I can't seem to force myself to truly sever my emotions, no matter how much I try and fight and reason and rage at myself. So if you are still reading at this point, thanks. The old timers of course are used to me doing this time to time. I just had to get this out, it was hurting too much inside. /rant.
Island Girl Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I read it all the way through and you were so elequent that I could feel your emotions. Especially when you typed what you scream in your head when people tell you you're pretty. I want to take you to Big Lots and get a couple of boxes of dishes. We'd go to a deserted parking lot and bash them and break them into the dumpsters together to help get this out! You could scream the entire time. I hate that "fragile glass" voice. I really do. I try never to speak to anyone like that. It is so condescending! You should tell them to quit asking about it - that if you have something to say you'll say it - and other than that have normal conversations about whatever.
westernxer Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I AM PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could be worse. LOL
Author KittenMoon Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 Could be worse. LOL Growing up guys never liked me so I developed this idea I was a troll, or at least a total plain Jane. Now suddenly I'm the cute one, but it means nothing to me. It's mildly flattering, then frustrating, and ultimately pointless. I really kinda wish people would just stop saying it. I wanna be plain and loved again, not pretty and alone.
magichands Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 And here's sort of a seperate rant: I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I AM PRETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You seem like one of these people that cuts you off mid-sentence. Maybe they're trying to say pretty ugly?
Mollyanna Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 And everytime someone tells me how pretty I am, or how great, I just think "Obviously not pretty or great enough, because HE left" and I just want to scream and scream and scream. I shrug off all compliments now too. People are always telling me I will find someone because I am pretty and funny and have a great career, a college degree, a great personality... BLAH BLAH BLAH is all I hear... If all of this were true, then why the F*CK am I alone? and YES, obviously not good enough because not even HE wanted to keep me. And he had his own issues. I am with you KittenMoon. Family members and friends now don't even ask me about dating anymore. I know they all whisper behind my back and wonder if I will ever get married.
Ariadne Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Hey, dozens of CDs with his handwriting on them, stuffed animals he gave me, sketches of him I did in art school, even a couple of pictures. The topper was a bag of sea glass and shells and other stuff we picked out Eeek! Yeah, that's gotta hurt. Maybe that's what they are there for. Hope you feel better soon and that it was cathartic, Ariadne
Mollyanna Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Why are you in South America? What happened to California?
Ariadne Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 (Oh, I put all my belongings in a storage and came to live with my parents for 3 months... maybe when I come back to LA with the kid I'll just camp somewhere... sigh) Ariadne
Mollyanna Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 OMG Ariadne you sound like me. I am putting my stuff in storage and heading to NC to snowboard and hike for 3 months. Just to figure out where I want to live and what I want to do. good luck to you.
Ariadne Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I am putting my stuff in storage and heading to NC to snowboard and hike for 3 months. LOL!!! (Good luck to you too, sorry KM) Ariadne
Author KittenMoon Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 You seem like one of these people that cuts you off mid-sentence. Maybe they're trying to say pretty ugly? Was wondering where you were MH, the board seemed so cynicism-free lately...
Author KittenMoon Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 I am with you KittenMoon. Family members and friends now don't even ask me about dating anymore. I know they all whisper behind my back and wonder if I will ever get married. I just have no interest in dating... I've had a chance here and there, and it just turns my stomach. When I met my ex, he felt right. It's hard to imagine being with anyone I don't have that same instinctual feeling about. I don't get high of of any old male attention, like some of my single gfs seem to, I feel like I'm desperate for true substance, real emotion. Or maybe I'm just missing that comfortable everyday love, full of smelly socks and laundry and making dinners for two. I dont' know.
magichands Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Was wondering where you were MH, the board seemed so cynicism-free lately... Someone's got to take arms against a sea of drama queens. Or is that suffer the slings and harrows of outrageously smelly socks?
Author KittenMoon Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 Someone's got to take arms against a sea of drama queens. Or is that suffer the slings and harrows of outrageously smelly socks? MH- if you don't want dramatic rantings, maybe a Coping board on a relationships website isn't the best place to hang out, y'think? Damn, you are one caustic pink elephant...
LaughMachine Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Well would you like to be kicked alot all at once or would you like it flowing through out your life? Maybe it is a sign to be stronger, to grow thicker skin. !
Author KittenMoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Well would you like to be kicked alot all at once or would you like it flowing through out your life? Maybe it is a sign to be stronger, to grow thicker skin. ! I was just pointing out that this stuff only seems to come when I'm already feeling low- I'd be much more prepared to deal with it on my good days, but nooooooooo......
magichands Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 MH- if you don't want dramatic rantings, maybe a Coping board on a relationships website isn't the best place to hang out, y'think? Damn, you are one caustic pink elephant... Oh, KittenMoon, I love all your rants. I just want to cultivate your melancholy. Thanks for the advice, but this is about you, not me. Just accept that these memories are going to haunt you... until you make new ones. And I'm pretty sure you will make new ones, when the time is right. Can you feel the love tonight?
Author KittenMoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Oh, KittenMoon, I love all your rants. I just want to cultivate your melancholy. Thanks for the advice, but this is about you, not me. Just accept that these memories are going to haunt you... until you make new ones. And I'm pretty sure you will make new ones, when the time is right. Can you feel the love tonight? We should make it about you cause there's something really unhealthy about being an @$$hole on the frontend and then trying to hide behind real advice on the backend. Can you only be somewhat nice after feeding your inner cynic?
Author KittenMoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 At a stretch. You're avoiding the overall question- why be a jerk to begin with if you're going to actually try to give meaningful advice later on? Why not just do that initially? I hope you don't act like this in real life.
intopieces Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Im totally with you Kitten Moon. When my ex-left me, he called one day to tell me that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and I'm going to make someone very happy one day. All i could do was say to myself...I only wanted to make you happy. Oh well.
magichands Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 When my ex-left me, he called one day to tell me that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and I'm going to make someone very happy one day. All i could do was say to myself...I only wanted to make you happy. Oh well. Yes, that sucks majorly. Nice sentiment, maybe, but such a cop-out. "No thanks, but you're brilliant... really." You're avoiding the overall question- why be a jerk to begin with if you're going to actually try to give meaningful advice later on? Why not just do that initially? I hope you don't act like this in real life. Too right I'm avoiding the overall question. Stop hijacking your own thread. And I'm the same on "paper" as I am in real life - it's too hard to make a persona like this one up on the fly, missy. For me, anyway. My arsehole's on my front end?! Please.
Author KittenMoon Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Too right I'm avoiding the overall question. Stop hijacking your own thread. And I'm the same on "paper" as I am in real life - it's too hard to make a persona like this one up on the fly, missy. For me, anyway. I just can't believe you can act like this and then lament having your heart broken- if you treated a partner even passingly like this, why would they want to stick around?
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