freakygal78 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I have been dating a guy for 4 months - at first we got along great and partied a lot and he virtually moved in after one month - more out of practicality - he lived a ways away and was virtually here most of the time anyways. Maybe this was my mistake. Anyways things haven't been going so well lately - he still drinks a lot - I have sent him home (back to his parents home) because of his heavy drinking and told him I'll give him one more chance when he comes back but he has disappointed me so many times since with his binge drinking and gambling habits which he had reduced after we met but he is spending ridiculous amounts on again gradually. I have tried to better myself lately - quitting smoking and drinking only socially now but he doesn't seem interested in tapering his self-destructive habits - I dont expect him to quit booze and cigarettes at all - only to respect his promise to me of cutting down his heavy drinking. Also he constantly demands my attention when I am doing other things like reading or on the net or doing my nails - whatever. When I am out shopping by myself he calls me sometimes 3 times in 2 hrs to ask when I'll be home. He says I am not affectionate enough - has actually the whole time although I think he needs an excess of attention to keep him happy. He accuses me of being cold. Lately I haven't felt like being affectionate or physical with him because I am disappointed in his behaviour and can't respect him for disregarding my wishes so blatantly. I am feeling indifferent at the moment as to whether he stays or not but am reluctant about making a big decision as yet as it hurt when I sent him away for even a week so much - I am 7 yrs older than him - have been through the r'ship gamut as such - he has some sweet and genuine qualities which is what attracted me to him in the first place. I guess I just don't want to be in a bad r'ship AGAIN after being hurt so many times. He's promised to change but I don't see it happening. I don't know how to handle this as I know he would (as would I) be so hurt. I guess at 29, I just don't want to put up with being someone's mother and gf and try to keep them in check from harming themselves. Also I don't want to stay in a r'ship for the reason I'd rather be with someone than be alone. Please help me with advice - it's hard for me to see this objectively because I'm involved in it.
TheDC Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Dump him FAST! He sounds like a narcissistic alcoholic. You'll just end up in a dead end co-dependent relationship. Sure he has some nice qualities, even Saddam had some nice qualities if you look hard enough.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 LOL. Thanks for your response - obviously I'm aware of the codependency factor having been with more than one substance-abusing partner. I don't want to be anybody's 'enabler'. I guess I'm just an oversensitive soft touch when it comes to someone's feelings even though mine are important also - I just don't validate them enough - frankly I just don't want to be with someone who sleeps half the day through while I'm up at the crack of dawn going on my daily walk - it's obviously this change in paths is going to cause some havoc in this r'ship sooner or later - I guess I'm just being a wimp and don't know how to bite the bullet - I yelled at him last night and spent the night on the sofa - so much harder to break up with someone once they live with you - cest la vie!
TheDC Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 No probs. You need someone that will compliment you and that shares your aspirations etc... If you try to change him to suit your needs he will end up resenting you and if he doesn't change then you will increasingly come to resent him. A good relationship shouldn't be this difficult. You should find someone who is more into what you want to do. And he needs to find someone who wants to go out drinking all the time and wants to sleep on the couch all day.
Stunner Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 DUMP HIM AND RUN!!! This guy is a Narc loser, don't get sucked into his attention getting ways and horrible habits...trust your gut, don't give any more chances and reclaim your life now.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Posted January 13, 2007 Well it's very tempting but easier said than done to break up with an emotional manipulater. He makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way I do and that his behaviour isn't a factor at all or that he really is changing but it's just the beginning. I had huge fights with him all week but the next day I feel a bit better about things and start to second guess myself wondering if i'm just being a commitment or intimacy-phobe. Last night he called me 'frigid' because of our obvious lack of physical relations lately. I lost it and said how dare he talk of me with such disrespect. I told him to go home again but he's doing his darndest to resist - how do I gather the strength to call it off - on top of this it's my b'day in 2 days!
TheDC Posted January 13, 2007 Posted January 13, 2007 give yourself the best birthday present ever; Freedom. You shouldn't second guess yourself and you should never apologize for how you feel. If he really cared about you, and not himself, he'd take the time to understand why you are so upset. And you are not a commitment phobe, a commitment phobe is someone who can't commit, you on the other hand are overly committed to a situation that most others would run from. Plan a big birthday dinner out with all your friends, except him of course, and then when the drinks have been served and you have everyone's attention announce that you are dumping your BF and are back on the market. Once you have announced it to everyone else and have vocalized it, it will be much easier for you to finally tell him it's over. Use your birthday as a sort of new year marker, a point from which you change from the old you (with BF) to the new single you.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 OK, this morning I did the tearful deed and broke up with him, by the time I got home this evening, he was packed about about to go - I feel like s@#% and like I turned my back on love. He sent me a txt saying that I had broken his heart and that I have killed a piece of him forever - sure typical bitter and sad break-up talk but still they pierced through my heart. I know it wasn't perfect but I am starting to wonder when love ever is? He said it was unfair of me because he was only one week into his 'changes'. It's all I can do to stop myself from driving there now and telling him it was a big mistake and asking him to come back. I did love him even though his behaviour was causing me grief. Why is it so damn hard to lose someone you love from your life? Maybe I expected too much after being hurt so much before. I have no idea and I'm sure I'm not thinking straight - just not sure I have made the right decision - his more recent txt 'I just can't believe how easily you dispose of people' really hurt. To boot it's my b'day tommorrow and now I have to go to bed smelling his smell on the pillow he used to sleep on - he was a s@#$ and a nuisance but I loved him dearly. Hope tommorrow seems better. Any encouraging words would be appreciated right now....
ls3360 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Any encouraging words would be appreciated right now.... I've reread your posts. It still sounds like you've done the right thing.
TheDC Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 You have done the right thing. Yes it's hard and your feeling for him are genuine. But you are at the beginning of a relationship when problems seem their smallest and infatuation rules your heart. but given time and a person's natural tendency you will eventually come to regret staying so long in an unproductive relationship. He shouldn't want to change for you but change for himself. And you shouldn't have to expect someone to change to meet your needs rather they should already meet your needs. I'm sure that there were many things that you were compatible with and shared but they weren't enough. Why should either of you compromise who you are to please the other? Do you really want to be two years into a relationship after the infatuation has gone and realize that you are with the wrong person? And let's face it. People say that they want to change but they rarely if ever do.
Zaira Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Don't allow yourself to get sucked into a guilt trip. My ex tried that with me. The same kinds of text messages, crying uncontrollably etc etc. I found out later he'd been seeing someone else for the last 6 months of our relationship. (Not saying yours is, but that's just how easily they can turn on the emotional bull****) Be relieved he is gone.
Hitman10000 Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 It's pretty simple: You don't want to be alone + You don't want to be with him = Come by my apartment for some pizza and vanilla scented massage this Wednesday night. Seriously, you already know your answer.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Haha! Hitman - I PMSL @ your comment! I'm not sure if you have a jet as I can't be certain we're on the same continent! Thank you all - I needed your wise words and your reality check - I should know from a stoner ex-husband in my early 20's that ppl rarely change - guess it's just been a long time since I had a r'ship that lasted more than 10 months and starting to think 'yep, most ppl are messed up after all'. I am sure his heart had to be broken eventually (i was his first serious r'ship) and unfortunately it was me - so I bore the brunt of his bitterness and was bombarded by his absolutions of blame. I funnily enough woke up this morning feeling great - I was not sad anymore but felt more like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders which I guess I thought I should feel a little guilty about. It was the first time I'd had my place back to myself for 4 months and I don't feel so bad about it in fact glad to get the space (both physical and mental) back. I had friends and co-workers and family spoil me for my Birthday today so that kind of eclipsed the bad feelings. I know hurt people are particularly good at pushing your buttons esp when you are oversensitive like myself. He said he couldn't stop crying and was thinking of me last night - he also said y'day before he left 'I hope you don't regret your decision' which sounded less like disappointment and more of a threat. I know he is young and hurting but really I can't let myself fall into another bad r'ship because I am trying to spare someone's feelings - he is young and has a whole world out there to explore and many girls to meet before settling down. I however (the walking wounded lol!) know exactly by this age what I DON'T want in a r'ship moreso than what I do and need to focus on my career and being happy in myself so that I don't initiate r'ships with people who will drag me down with bad habits. I enjoyed the time I spent with him and will always have fond memories of him but I had to think of myself here - or else I would have been on board Resentment Express with a one way ticket.
TheDC Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 YAY! I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well. I think you made the right decision not only for yourself but for him as well. Now get back up on that horse and find the man for you, the man you deserve.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 Thank you all so much *gets tears in eyes* I'm touched by your anonymous yet sincere words. I need to hear I made the right decision - esp not only for me but him also. If he learns that women will put up with this kind of behaviour, he is less likely to change it and also being in an resentful r'ship with me would limit his experience also. I hope this year is the start of many new adventures for me and the start of me realising my true worth as a human being. Thank you all again for your advice - it has been priceless and gave me so much strength!
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