Relationship put under strain due to new job offer and her wanting to move in...

[WadeCure]

My girlfriend and I are having a tremendous challenge right now and I'm worried to death about things. I'm 25 and she's 22. We've been together about three and a half months. Our relationship has moved at a pace that pretty much is tantamount to a rocket ship blasting off. We pretty much have stayed together every day that she has been off of her work (she only works about three days a week on third shift.) I love her to death but I'm very torn right now.

 

After a long time of being unemployed (just graduated from college in May), I finally landed a huge job offer for an unbelievably good job to start out with. The only problem is the job is in a town about 60 miles from where I am right now. I have no intentions of leaving where I am right now, I'm not bothered with the commute and feel I can easily handle it. I am almost definitely going to be accepting the job offer within the next few days.

 

Before I landed the offer she's been talking about moving in together, which scares me tremendously but at the same time I'm scared of losing her as a result of this job and not being able to see her and be with her nearly every day. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that level of commitment so soon but at the same time I'm worried about our relationship souring because of my new found career opportunity. I feel very torn and very anxious. Right now we live in cities that are about 15-20 miles apart, not a huge distance by any means but still a distance.

 

Today she came in from work about an hour ago (she's actually asleep in my bed right now) and she was pretty much in tears because she's been talkin (and pressuring big time) for me to move in with her here in the city that I'm currently in, but she feels that she's going to be missing out if she leaves her city, and she says its unfair to ask me to move in with her up there (which, with this job, she's pretty much right, I'm not ready to move in with her up to that city.) Her city is a pretty amazing city full of stuff to do, while the city I'm in isn't nearly as great as that one. The place where I'm going to be working is a very small town. I'm certainly not interested in moving to that small town because I'm happy here and plus the commute isn't that bad, and I'm sure if I moved down there she would most definitely not follow because of her love of the city she's currently in.

 

I just don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend so much, I want to be with her. But I am not sure if I'm ready to move in with her, but I'm also not sure if I'm ready to not move in with her because of this job. I'm worried that she will become tired of not being able to see me as often and eventually end the relationship. In the long term I plan on having this job be a stepping stone to help me find a job in the city where she lives. I'm not sure if she can handle it. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. Should I remind her that relationships are going to have challenges, and that this is a challenge and if we want to be together then one way or another we will someday, maybe just not as quickly as we both hoped for?

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to tell her exactly what you've written here. Tell her your fears and concerns...

 

3 months isn't a long time, so in one sense there shouldn't be such a rush to move in together - But, with the feelings you two have for eachother - 3 months doesn't matter...

 

Just talk to her, be honest and sincere about it. Talking doesn't have to be a negative thing, and hopefully together you two will come to a fair decision so both of you will be happy and not worry so much.

[paris38]

If you are having doubts about moving in together and are not 100% committed to it in your head, then you should not do it. I know right now you do not want to hear this but three months is still in the middle of the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship, you feel like each other are the best people on earth and your feelings will never change and this person can do no wrong and is the answer to your life, a perfect angel.

She sounds kind of needy, honestly. You will tire of this. Not spending everyday with someone you met three months ago should not make them want to break up.

You are young and embarking on an exciting job opportunity, don't let this woman screw it up for you. You are only dating 3 months, don't let her whine her way into doing something you are clearly not ready for. Be upfront - tell her you want to stay in a relationship with her but are not ready to move in and do not want to move to her city yet. If she DOES leave you because you show her this honesty, she does not supprot you and your career anyway and you can cut your 'losses' and move on. It sounds like, since she only works 3 days a week, she is not really career oriented and her life basically revolves around you. That is NOT healthy, and I think her clinging behavior and codependance on you might eventually break up this relationship.

THINK OF YOU. DON'T MOVE IN WITH THIS CHICK.

[lorr]

If you are having doubts about moving in together and are not 100% committed to it in your head, then you should not do it. I know right now you do not want to hear this but three months is still in the middle of the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship, you feel like each other are the best people on earth and your feelings will never change and this person can do no wrong and is the answer to your life, a perfect angel.

She sounds kind of needy, honestly. You will tire of this. Not spending everyday with someone you met three months ago should not make them want to break up.

You are young and embarking on an exciting job opportunity, don't let this woman screw it up for you. You are only dating 3 months, don't let her whine her way into doing something you are clearly not ready for. Be upfront - tell her you want to stay in a relationship with her but are not ready to move in and do not want to move to her city yet. If she DOES leave you because you show her this honesty, she does not supprot you and your career anyway and you can cut your 'losses' and move on. It sounds like, since she only works 3 days a week, she is not really career oriented and her life basically revolves around you. That is NOT healthy, and I think her clinging behavior and codependance on you might eventually break up this relationship.

THINK OF YOU. DON'T MOVE IN WITH THIS CHICK.

 

I 110% agree with Pairs38. 3 Months is a short space of time to really know anyone, and it is the "honeymoon" period.

You should realise that moving in with someone or vice-versa is a hell of a huge commitment and should not be taken lightly.

 

You've just be given an opportunity to progress with your career, and you would be crazy not to accept this offer. If the relationship is meant to be it will be, regardless of the situation.

[WadeCure]

Thanks a lot for your replies, it means a lot to hear. So, an update.

 

Anyway, in defense of her only working three days a week. Those are third shift 12 hour shifts (36 hours a week) and she's a Registered Nurse. So career isn't a problem.

 

Last night we pretty much had it out, she was immensely angry with me. It started out because I am unwilling to break the current lease I'm in with my current roommate (which ends in August) in order to move in with her on Friday. I didn't want to stick my roommate with no roommate and also I am not sure of the legalities of breaking a lease. Plus I'm not prepared to move immediately - I can't just up and move apartments on a few days notice because she wants me to, I cannot afford it. Somehow or another we talked some more and I just came out with it, I said to her "I want to live with you, but I'm just not ready..." before I could even finish she threw a blanket over my head and just ran, collected her things, and furiously while crying went to her car. If she would have let me finish I would have explained because of finances and getting adjusted to the new job. She pretty much took everything she had in my apartment that she left there. Eventually she let me explain myself. Not after I was pretty much crying myself out of frustration.

 

Now she wants me to go to my roommate and ask him to move out so she can move in. She wants me to tell him that she would pay his deposit so he could break the lease. It makes me feel like a jerk to ask my roommate to move out - so I'm trying to avoid it. Lately I've felt better about the idea of us living together, but still I want to do whats right for the relationship. She has things on fast forward while I want us to take a natural progression.

 

She doesn't understand that yes I want to live with her, yes I want the maximum for our relationship, but with each progression in the relationship it takes time and readiness. I guess she feels like if I'm not ready for something now then I'll never be ready. It's frustrating because I know that I would be ready. Her lease on her apartment (that she's going to break) ends in May. I could envision myself becoming ready to live with her by then.

 

I just don't know what to do. I love her but she's very impatient. I'm afraid of losing her because I'm not operating at the same level of speed she is. If in the off chance that my roommate does take her offer and she moves in I may be okay with it. But still... it just worries me.

 

We have been together a little less than four months. I'm afraid that it's going to damage our relationship to shack up this early. There's been times where I've been around her so much that she seems unaffected by my presence. When I went to Florida on vacation, we were apart for a week, and when I got back she was unbelievably affectionnate. Then after a few days of constantly seeing each other it was back to the same.

[norajane]

Hello - red flag! If her response to a partial sentence of yours is to throw a blanket over you and run around gathering her things to leave you...

 

...she sounds a little wacko.

 

Look, you haven't known each other long and moving in together is a huge commitment and it's not easy AT ALL to move out if things don't work out. She has no interest in listening to reason - how do you know your whoooooole life together won't end up like that? She will freak out at everything before she's even heard what you have to say, and will storm out before you can speak. And then you'll have to beg and plead with her to even listen to your thoughts. Bad, bad form of communication!

 

Imagine starting this new job of yours, having all kinds of work pressures and stresses, struggling to learn what you need to learn to succeed, plus a 60 mile commute twice a day. How exactly do you think you're going to be feeling when you get home? Ready to face her tantrums because you worked late and weren't home for dinner?

 

Instead of being so worried about losing her, take a good look at how she's handling this situation and consider whether she is someone you are really compatible with.

[flowergirl]

Dude, get rid of her! This neediness and psycho behavior can come to no good.