Raylene Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I read a post of Cinnesyn's the other day but now can't find the thread so I am starting a new one. The discussion was re internet infidelity etc. but in it she was saying her boyfriend was checking out sites on spicing up the lovelife and she felt he was bored, and she wanted to know if him being a former crack user contributed to his boredom. Cinnesyn, if my memory serves me correctly you are an accountant and furthered your education meaning you have even more earning potential. My response re the crack usuage is YES, these addictive personalities are easily bored, have "pleasure center" depletion and are excellent cons, especially when it comes to women and their money. You didn't say how much your bf used in the past and how long it has been since he used, but did you know that only about 2 percent of users stay clean for the long haul. The least little trigger an dit is back ON for them, usually using on the sly, denying using at all, and it can go for months or years like this without you ever knowing because they are damn clever and manipulative. Many crack users are functioning crack addicts (there is really no such thing as long term recreational use with this drug) and they hold jobs etc. but never seem to have any money etc. They don't all steal etc. and live on the street like the stereotypical portray of a crack addict. They do all lie and manipulate like a sonofabitch though and they do oh so love to get themselves in a relationship with a caring, nurturing, financially stable person who they can depend on to bail them out financially if need be. You also need to know there is a huge crack/sex connection. The hardcore drug world is a nasty nasty place and this drug strips people of their morals, even if they appear to be functioning reasonably normal. Normal activities are boring to them. I am not saying your bf is not clean and won't stay clean, but relapse with this drug is extremely high. If he is clean today, that doesn't mean he will be amonth from now or a year from now. You are considering marriage. Here is what will happen if you marry him and he starts using again. You could lose your home if he is caught using there. You may say you will not allow him to use there. He'll agree not to. He will anyway. They are masters of going to the bathroom or utitlity room or wherever for a quick hit. You'll never know. This doesn't mean the narcs aren't watching him when he goes to buy and comes back home. If they arrest him in your home and find drugs and drug paraphenalia you are at risk of being arrested too and losing your home., If you have kids by that time, you will have your kids removed from the home because he is using there. If he gets back into a full addiction (and he doesn't have to use everyday to be addicted as some addicts go weeks without using) you will eventually see your bank account depleted, your credit cards maxed etc. They are masters at needing money for little things so they can go buy a 20 dollar or 50 dollar rock without your knowlege. You will likely try to help him overcome his addiction until you are crazy yourself, even though the problems he exhibits you may not even attribute to an addiction. Expect horrible mood swings from him, increased porn usuage, internet relationships, anything to feed that addictibe personality. My bf was a former crack usuage, clean for a year or two at the time I met him. Fast forward to now. I thought he was having an affair because his personality changed so, the aloofness, mood swings, secretivenesw with his cellphone etc. short on money.....well, turns out he is, only it is with a crack rock, not a woman. Says he is a recreational user now, has it under control. Bull****! He has gradually gone from once a month usuage, to once a week usuage, to 2-3 times a week usuage, however, if he has no money he can skip a week or two. When I get on his case he will tell me whatever I want to hear--he's stopping, never wil use again etc. Then he gets around someone with drugs and it is ON....I have seen it with my own eyes. I'm still in denial and trying to help him, but I know in my heart it is useless. Check out http://www.cocainehelp.org and http://www.crackrecoveryforums.com and read for yourself from addicts trying to beat this addiction and also from family members trying to cope with it. It will be a real eye opener for you the lengths these addicts have gone to to latch onto caretakers and deceive them, and also the pain of the family members. Educate yourself before marrying this guy, cause at some point you may be in for the wildest ride of your life. Good luck trying to get rid of him. If you figure out a way to do it, let me know, cause they don't go easily--they can charm the birds out of trees in order to hang onto their meal ticket. If I sound bitter, I am. I used to be a really nice person and dealing with this drug has turned me into a bitch. BTW, consider yourself lucky you got a lintbrush and a flashlight for Christmas. I got nothing cause he had very little money. He did however manage to afford a 50 buck crack rock for Christmas. Good luck dealing witth a former crack addict as you are gonna need it, as do I.
Author Raylene Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 One other thing. At the time I got involved I did not know he was a former crack user, but he told me after I was hooked into the relationship and we were living together. He downplayed it. Said he got addicted, lost alot of stuff, realized he was ruining his life and quit. Being naive about this drug, I took him at his word. Big mistake. After his behavior started to change one of his close relatives commented to me that it sounded like he was back on drugs. After doing some more investigation I discovered yeah he lost everything previously due to drug use, wrote a bunch of bad checks and had to be bailed out to keep from going to jail for it (enabling relative went around and collected up the bad checks and paid them), and yes he did get clean for a time. I also founnd out he was using again long before he ever owned up to it. Yes you will internalize, wondering why he finds your sex life boring, wondering what is wrong with you, trying to figure out how to help him and make things better. Your self esteem will take a nosedive. I can't help you cause at present I am struggling to help myself, but I can share. My Gawd, whatta a pity party I am having for myself this morning. It makes one wonder how a reasonably intelligent, always financially stable and responsible woman could have gotten herself into this situation. I feel like I have SUCKER stamped on my forehead.
Buttaflyy Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I didn't read the whole thread but... This reminds me of a conversation I had with the SO the other night. Is there such a thing as a reformed crack addict? I think it is possible, while my SO says that it is not. Either way, it is a long hard struggle and from my understanding the cravings never do go away. My SO said that he knows someone who was clean of crack for over 10 years before smoking again. His wife didn't know that he was a former crack user before they met either. This man was very successful and lost everything including his family behind it. He once confided in my SO that even though he had everything (money, family, nice home, success,) he was not happy. The exact word he used was free, if that makes any sense. He said that he never thought that he'd give in to the struggle, but one day he did and there was no turning back. I wish you ladies the best, but I hope that you do understand all that you are in for. In this situation my question does not apply. In this situation, the question is...do you accept the treatment of a crack addict and stay in the relationship? Also, I can imagine the torment to your self esteem Raylene, and you should not be ashamed of the fact that you fell in love. It is what you do now to get yourself out that counts. Know that it is not your fault for loving. Know that it is not you who didn't measure up. He has a disease; an addiction that he loves more and nothing can compare to.
Cinnesyn Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Raylene, Thank you so much for your post. I started to type up our whole story when I noticed that a lot of what you've said has happened. He does seem to be with me not for love but because my earning potential is fairly good. I've separated our money and I do not give him any of mine. When he runs out of his a few days before payday, I tell him that he should budget his spending better. He doesn't like having separate money and feels that everything should be shared and 50/50. Yeah, like MY house, MY car, MY paycheck... He mentioned the other day that now that I've finally got my degree that he thinks I'm going to go find someone better than him. All I said was "Isn't that what YOU were doing online with all those other women?". He just walked away. I think he's really scared that the time he's invested in me isn't going to pay off. Luckily, he messed up before I got in too deep and married him. He was pushing very hard late last year to get married. He didn't put it in a romantic way but more of a MUST DO type of situation, kind of the way he has sex with me. He must think I'm a real idiot.
Carbine Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Raylene, I understand that you had a bad experience with your boyfriend, but you're making generalisations when it comes to drug addicts - whether it's crack, speed, ice or whatever. Not all addicts are cons and liars - many support themselves through legitimate means. Further, 'functional usage' IS possible (although very difficult). Demonising addicts and trying to police their behaviour doesn't do any good in the short or long term. Neither does getting on your moral high-horse, especially if you've not been a user/addict yourself. It's just going to distance the addict further and cause the person to rely more and more on the drug. This doesn't mean you have to encourage their usage or fund their activities, but it doesn't mean you have to be a victim either.
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