HopelessinSC Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Thank you for all the advice. The neighbor is a friend of mine but it doesn't matter which friend or neighbor it is. She happens to be what I consider my "best" friend who is a nurse and very calm and sensible. He doesn't want me associating with ANY of my friends because he thinks that I am airing our dirty laundry to them. He says that they just use me for their amusement (not true). He wants me to spend more time with him but he is always on the phone gambling with his friends. The other night I was next door for 30 minutes before he started calling every five minutes. He was mad because I didn't come home when he told me too, although, I almost did. I decided not to let him have his way so I stayed and that is when he put the suitcases out the door and told me that he let me puppy loose outside (he didn't but it made me run home.). I was over at my neighbors house a total of 1 1/2 hours by the time it was all said and done. Thank goodness I had a key to the house, although, he did lock me out of our bedroom which was fine. I could see actions like this if I was in an affair or something similar but I don't talking to a girlfriend warranted the actions that he took. He said if I leave him that he will tell the kids it is my fault and break their hearts. They adore him as he is a good father in other ways and they would be very mad at me. They are really very stable kids with straight A's and very sweet. They mean the world to me. I go for my first counselor appointment on Thursday and then he will go the next week.
Gunny376 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Attila The Hun needs to wake up! This is 2007, not 1007. Women are no longer just a man's possession! Just because a woman marries a woman, doesn't make her a man's slave ~ possession. This guys got some serious issues. Threatening to turn a woman's children against her, to put little puppies in harms way,.......now that's a man! :sick:
Ladyjane14 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 A marriage license isn't a 'bill of sale'. This guy is a control freak. I'm glad to hear that you're getting counseling. I think you're going to need some help sorting all this out. Listen, he can't turn your kids against you. Kids are people. They develop their own point of view by the time their grown. Sure, they're bound to be upset by strife in the home or in a decision for divorce. They don't have the tools yet to understand what they're seeing. In the end though, they'll have adult perceptions and 20/20 hindsight. They can either have witnessed a 'marriage model' where Mom solved problems, or one in which Mom was a perpetual victim. In the long run, THAT's the important thing.
Author HopelessinSC Posted January 9, 2007 Author Posted January 9, 2007 Okay, he has really done it this time. Not on did he make a fool of himself at our friends 40th b-day party by calling me every five minutes because I didn't jump up an leave when he told me too. We were in the neighborhood and he was already mad at something stupid. Then he called to say that he had let me puppy, a King Charles, out in the front yard alone. I didn't believe him but a neighbor found the puppy and brought her to me. She could have been hit by a car. He knows how much I love this puppy. She was my 40th b-day present this year. I am SOOOOOO mad now! Now he is crying to me and saying he has brought this all on himself. TRUE. He is also saying that I am breaking his heart because I don't love him anymore. I just don't want to be near him. I am so mad at him. Wouldn't you be???? He says he loves me but has a funny way of showing it. He says that everything he has done has been because he is hurt. I go to counseling on Thursday for the first time but I don't know if it will help. I am SO upset with him now. He is acting like I have caused all of this and he is the victim. I fill like I am going nuts myself. I can't continue to live like this.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 This relationship is unhealthy... Is this guy your boyfriend or are you two married? He's showing freaky behaviour either way and you really need to think about ending it. He's manipulative, cruel and acting like a big baby.
Author HopelessinSC Posted January 9, 2007 Author Posted January 9, 2007 We have been married almost 12 years. He is a BIG baby and he is controlling and manipulative. It's the kids I am concerned about right now. I am actually numb regarding him. He knows he is losing me and he is scrambling now and trying to make me feel guilty. I am going to try counseling so that I know in my heart I did all that I could but things have got to change. I can't take this anymore.
MoonGirl Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 What your H is doing to you is abusive. Consider reading one of Patricia Evans books (The Verbally Abusive Relationship, The Verbally Abusive Man, or Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out). For me, the last one was the most helpful since I was at the point where I no longer wanted to save my relationship with H. The book just helped me realize how he had been able to get away with what he did for so long (guilt, guilt, and more guilt). I also have children who H often tells "your mommy is really stupid, you know that, right?" and "your mommy destroyed our family". It is painful to know that my children are now being fed this BS, but they still adore me and are more confused by what he says than in agreement with it. The mommy they know loves them, plays with them, attends to all of their needs, etc. In time, I'm sure they will realize that it wasn't me who destroyed our family. You certainly can't let thoughts about what your H will say to your kids affect your decision. Even now his behavior is erratic, unstable, and abusive. I'm sure you don't want your kids to think that it's okay to treat someone this way. When you stay and put up with his behavior, you're showing your kids that you agree with how he treats you, and your kids may, in time, begin to treat you and others the same way because they haven't seen any consequences for such behavior. I'm glad you're getting therapy. Therapy has helped me a lot. And it's good that your H is getting therapy too. My H refused therapy because, in his mind, everything was my fault. Best of luck to you!
Author HopelessinSC Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 Today I went to the therapist and was filled with hope by her success rate. I didn't get to tell her all of the "bad" things he has done. She said that it wasn't how she did things but she has a High success rate. The H called to find out how thing went and if there was hope but the dilemma is...now he is fighting with me. Telling me how WRONG I am in every way. He is normal and I am NOT! We are supposed to go out of town to the mountains tomorrow (preplanned). I am more than a little worried because things have been a little "irrational" lately. I agreed to go for the kids but tonight he said if I'm not going as a wife then he wants to take the kids by himself. 1. We are supposedly using our tax money (some of it) for the trip so it's not as if he is paying for it. (We have totally separete money.) He is well off and I am poor. I am afraid for him to take the kids because he is so manipulating and I don't know what he will say to them. He is very threatening to me so on the other hand, I see a recipe for disaster with me being alone with him in the mountains. He isn't thinking straight. He is totally unremorseful. He thinks everything is totally my fault. I am SO confused. He has cut off all my friends especially my best friend because her husband won't let her hang out with me as long as their is "conflict" because H is acting "crazy." I want to leave but I don't have the finances to do so. I would have to pull my children out of school and their home (which they would resent) and go home to my parents. I feel like a failure in life because I don't have any money to fall back on (although he does). I chose to stay home with the kids and lately he resents that. I almost hate him although I was taught not to ever "hate" anyone. I am so confused. I don't want to crawl to my parents. I don't want my kids to hate me. AND on the other hand I can't imagine being with anyone else! Please help if you have been through this. I am sinking....
Gunny376 Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Sixteen years ago, I a carrer United States Marine, 6'1". 200 pounds lean, let a 5'4" 110 pound woman convince me that everything I did was wrong, everything that I didn't do was wrong, everything that I said was wrong, everything that I didn't say was wrong. Now Marines, especially carrer Marines in and of as a general rule aren't weak minded people, nor weak willed. And, i wasn't. I had to make hard choices, and I made them, and I had to make un-selfish choices, and I did. First I had to come with the simple terms of the situation. I had been deallt the ****ty end of the stick and that's all there was to it. "Like" didn't have a damn thing to do with anything. The situation just sucked! And the options were slim to none, and "Slim" just pack his bags and left town. I'm not saying there's another woman, that he's cheating on you, but if you studied this enough ~ long enough, you can see that this is pathalogical. ~Everything you do is wrong! ~Everything you don't do is wrong! ~Everything you say is wrong! ~Everything you don't say is wrong! My eighth grade high school dropout wife, with the earning capacity of an illiterate, illegal alien convinced me? A high school graduate, a college graduate, a carrer Marine, a leader of Marines, (and I'm not bragging here, its documented) the best in his field world wide throughout the Marine Corps ~ that I didn't have any common sense. That was her angle, and she would use it every chance she got. Adolf Hitler was a master of it! He convince millions of people of it! Yet he was a low life loser, who was once a pratically homeless housepainter, wall paper hanger. What he was, and what your husband, and my ex-wife were and are superior manipulatiors. They're masters at manipulating people, their minds, thier wills, their souls, their very being. Now that I've studied it, and am beginning to coprehend it, after sixteen years, I undetstand the influence that the bio-chemical ~ hormonal influences that blurs and fogs your judgement. If I were to whisk you away from him for a year or two, you would come back wondering what in the Hell did I ever see in this guy? During that time you would suffer, and suffer somemore. You would suffer, loneliness, despair, depression, hopelessness, grief, the full range of human emotion. You would suffer withdrawal, the same as if you had been addicted to ampethemines, because that's what you're addicted to ~ the bio-chemicals that you're own body produces has made you addicted to him! They're powerful ~ as powerful at least as powerful as ampethmines, if not crack or crystal meth. He's under the same bio-chemical influences ~ and so what you have is and addict re-acting, and re-lating to another addict, and the drug of choice is each other. You need to break your addiction, not only to him, but to the idea that you've got to have a man, that you've got to be married! That you can't make it through life without a man. And, yes! You need to take stock of yourself, of your own weaknesses, your own fears, your own doubts. You need to shredd yourself of the cultural and societial myths, fallacies, ~ lies that you don't meansure up as a human being, because you're not some runway model with super 44DD? My last LTR GF was 6' and weigh in around 160, and was pear shapped. For six and a half years, I heard ~ I'm fat! And for six and half years I kept telling her that she was "height-weight" proportnate! (As God is my Witness ~ I NEVER, EVER, WANT TO HEAR ABOUT (A) Pantyhose and (B) being with a woman whose 6' +! Get a freaking clue Hanes!) Her "bod" wasn't the reason I was with her. It was her self determination! It was her "attitude" toward life It was her perspective It was her independence and being self supporting~! The fact that she didn't need me, but wanted me! (Grrrrrrrrr!) Dump this clown! Life is short! Too Short!
MoonGirl Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Not that I'm any better off than you are right now (read my posts), but I agree with Gunny's assessment of your situation. Read some of Patricia Evan's books! They helped me to open my eyes and not feel so alone. Your husband IS abusive and he is controlling you with his insanity and guilt-tripping. I suggest finding a therapist who specializes in working with verbal abusers. MANY therapists are not skilled in this area and cannot recognize the verbal abuse in all cases. If what you are doing is typical, yet you're being blamed and guilt-tripped for being a horrible person that does everything wrong, you certainly need validation that you're being abused. Do your parents know what's going on? I was very afraid to tell my parents about my H, but once I did, I felt SO relieved. They have been so supportive. Now that they know, I feel like my situation is real and now know that I have to do something about it. His behavior is obviously not good for your kids either. Your kids may see him if you leave him and he may continue is strange behavior. As a mother, this is difficult to stomach. Yet, the stable and normal environment you are able to provide them with will help them see that his actions are not normal. Also, leaving your H shows your kids that there are consequences for his behavior and that it is not okay to abuse one's wife. I wish you the best of luck. I'll be thinking of you!
Author HopelessinSC Posted January 23, 2007 Author Posted January 23, 2007 Thank you so much for all of your help and advice. We are going to counseling. He goes for the first time tomorrow and then we will go together. But it is nice to know that I have some type of support somewhere. I hear what you are all saying but I haven't made that final step. It is just so hard. I really feel depressed as I now know others do too. Part of me believes him that I am not doing all that I should but if you met me you would never see that in me. I appear to be confident, outgoing, tough, etc but I am really not. At least not today.
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