Jiveturkey Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Ok so been goin with this girl for 8months now and ran into an issue along the way. Turns out shes dated almost everyone of her guy friends in the past. Rather than break things off shes chosen to remain friends with almost all of them (about 4 or 5). There's some really jacked up hstory in this group of friends which she has told me about, you can read about most of it in some of my prior posts. I can't help but not be comfrtable hanging out with them knowing what I do, in fact its gotten to the point that I think about it when I'm not even around them. If you read some of my previous posts I also talk about a particular couple that she had a 3 some with right before we got involved(the guy was actually her ex), this is the one I have the biggest issue dealing with especially since she is such good friends with this girl. I think alot of times that we just arent compatible on a sexual level, aka we hold different values when it comes ot sex. What would you guys do. I mean, I know its her past and all but all these people are still an active part of her life, and I can't help but feel intimidated?/jealous?/angry?/like a chump? when I'm in a room full of guys that have been with my girl. My best friend usually gives me good advice on ths kindof stuff and he thinks he would have issues with this too, and thinks I should call it off. He thinks of it as being unfair to me. Any advice is appreciated.
sb129 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Hmm. I have been out with a guy who had massive issues with my past, and it eventually was one of the reasons we broke up. He had issues with the fact i HAD a past (I am 29! Of course I do!), and that I was friends with my exes too. However, I don't have regular contact with my exes, its just a coffee or a drink very very occasionally, I still have a circle of friends who I have no "history" with. And I have never had a threesome! But having said that people place different values on sex etc. You are in a difficult position because these people are your GFs friends, and in any other situation, I would warn against trying to come between your GF and her friends unless you had a good reason, cos usually that backfires, and the friends win. On this occasion I think you have good reason to at least talk to your GF about it. I just went back and read all of your previous posts- this is obviously really really bugging you Jiveturkey. I agree with you- why stay friends with some people who remind you of bad mistakes you have made? I also agree with one of the replies that said if you focus too much on the past it can get bigger than the present- I sure know how that feels when you are the one with the past, and its not nice. How is the present? Is your GF loyal, faithful and a good person to be with? My current BF and I made a deal that anything that happened prior to the date we met is water under the bridge. Nothing is a secret, but we have agreed not to dwell on it- we are old enough to have history and its shaped who we are and may influence how we behave in our current relationship but beyond that its the past, not the present or future, which matter more. Our relationship is great as a result and I trust him 100%. However I don't have to see all of his 'pasts' on a regular basis, nor does he have to see mine. How do you see your future with this girl? This issue is obviously not going away for you. What will it take for it to go away? Have you discussed it with her? If she stopped seeing these friends would that help? Would she do that for you? What about if you started making new friends together? Alot of people would say either a) get over it and stay with her or b) dump her, but I suspect its a bit more complicated than that for you right now. Ultimately though, those are really the only two choices YOU have any control over.
Guest Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 i agree with sb and that's how my gf and i view things as well. and u know what? these are her friends - i don't tell her who she can and can't see - and never place a relationship in the balance between friends and lovers - because not everyone will pick the same - my exwife picked friends, my ex gf picked friends - i always pick the couple. see, this is one of the biggest mistake that people don't talk about - the individuals hierachy - some flatline and say family, friends, partners, dogs are equal - i say, the couple, the individual, the children, then family and friends - now u can still be with someone that disagrees with that - and communications keeps u on track as for someone's sexual past - u better believe its important. but only in the fact that u are discovering more about the person u love. would i have a problem with some people form her past, sure, but not enuff to be a jerk. i know this is a guyy thing but it is really not about the physical its about the connection. plus, regarding someone's past - maybe they experienced something u didn't and might like as well - just talk about it. i would never have the past effect my present and future - never if fact, i compliment those who have undertaken the adventure of uncovering their own unique sexuality - that's one of the reasons we are alive man i love people like that
Walk Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I think if you feel this insecure, for this long, then you owe it to yourself and your gf to just break things off. What are you doing to build a stronger relationship with this girl? What things are you doing to build more confidence and self-esteem within yourself? Have you talked to your gf about possible steps you could both take? Maybe she'd be willing to limit contact with the other people for several months to help rebuild your confidence? But you'd have to give up something too, otherwise she'll feel resentful that you asked. Have you tried counseling? Have you suggested ways she could make you feel more comfortable while both of you are out with her friends? Maybe she could show you larger amounts of affection while with her friends? Maybe you could suggest that she go out with her friends seperate from you, and you'll go out with your friends during those times? You didn't say you were attempting, or had attempted to do anything to resolve this issue. But you keep repeating you have a problem with it. You can either try things until you hit on something that works, or break up with the girl. I'd suggest breaking up since you seem so obsessed over this. It isn't going to go away, and she can't erase what happened. If you can't deal with it, then move on. You really aren't doing her any favors by staying with her when you can't accept her completely.
sb129 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 you seem so obsessed over this. It isn't going to go away, and she can't erase what happened. If you can't deal with it, then move on. You really aren't doing her any favors by staying with her when you can't accept her completely. Walk has some sound advice JiveTurkey.... You can't just keep obsessing over it, as much as everyone at LS wants to help, you need to take ACTION. Your posts for the last few months have had the same theme, but no resolution....
Author Jiveturkey Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 yeah, I thought that might be the case. I really don't know if I'll ever be comfortable around her friends. I completly trust her, and her friends/exs seem like decent guys even if some of them haven't been in the past. Thats not saying that some of them wouldn't jump at the chance at getting back together with her if given it. I feel like an ass telling her to break off relations with her friends because I wouldnt want to do the same. She loves me alot and has actually avoided them for the past month or so in order to avoid confrontation after I found out about hte whole 3 some thing. She also finally told the couple why she wasnt hanging out anymore since they were starting to get really upset, still not sure what they had to say but I know they told her not to tell me when we first started dating. I need to figure this out soon, the longer it takes the harder it is. My buddy also told me the other day that it sucks that I slowly found all this history out rather than knowing it off the bat. When I told my g/f about that she said she didn't tell me all this because she knows I would have broken up with her or never even started dating her if I knew about all this crap, which also makes me upset, like somehow she knows its f*cked up and duped me. This girl literally is the most amazing girl I've met but I can't stand feeling like this, I'm going to talk to her again in teh next couple days about it and hopefully we can try something different or come to some agreement. I do like the ideas of affection, making new friends, and limited contact. We already have started making some new friends, some of them haven't worked out all that well though, either hitting on my g/f or just bums. I don't think the seperate hanging out thing would work since I would just be thinking about her being with them while she was gone. I could get tricky and get her friends to hate me, in which she would be forced to make a choice, I honestly don't know who she would chose, thats just cynical though and I don't know if it would even fix the problem. She's pretty liberal and has already broken a bunch of her "dating rules" just to stay with me. She's said that she would leave her friends if she knew we would last in the past, but I would rather find a different solution. I appreciate all teh advice guys and just talking about it on her helps. Keep the suggestions and advice coming.
Author Jiveturkey Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 BTW, I want to apoligize for being repetitive in some of my posts. It seems like I find out more and more on a weekly basis. Almost as though everytime I start to accept something I get sucker punched again and am right back on the ground. My g/f assured me that I know everything now. I don't know if I can take finding anything else out anyway, I'm pretty sure if another confession comes up in a month or 2 it's over, period.
sb129 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Don't apologise- it just seems the same issues are getting you down, and nothing ismaking it better for you. If she is that amazing, could you just ignore it all? Time is a great healer. Not sure I agree with the whole 'dating rules' statement cos there aren't really any set dating rules, butif she cares enough about you and wants to be with you she will work with you to make you more comfortable with the situation.
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