may55 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I need some advice. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. I truly love him, but I am at my wits end. We fight all the time and are seeing a couples coach. And lately I just cannot stand the way he treats me. Here is our pattern: ============= He says horrible things (from my point of view), I react, he reacts, I get defensive, he blows his fuse (he just ripped up the flowers he gave me tonight and chased the dog screaming), I panic and try to calm him down, he withdraws and tells me he cannot have a relationship like this, I drive him home and then cry myself to sleep. I feel like I cannot stick up for myself without him blowing up at me. I know I get mad at the things he says, but to me, he says and does really crappy things! Like tonight a friend of ours told me I was pretty and nice at dinner. Then on the way home he told me I wasn't really all that pretty and I was not really a nice person, I just wanted people to like me so that is why I acted the way I did. So I got mad and told him how it hurt me. Then we got in our old pattern. I know he loves me, but he never can say it. Yet tonight he brought me flowers, so why can't I look past his mean comments? I just feel like I am trying to tell him how I feel and it ends up being this dramatic evening where he doubts our relationship and me. He feels like I never listen to him, I just assume he is a bad person. I am sick of feeling like he is going to dump me anytime I get upset. What do I do? Our relationship coach thinks we both overreact. I get this, but I feel unsafe in my relationship. Like any second he will leave me or cheat on me. And I feel like I am trying to stick up for myself, but I keep pissing the living crap out of him when I do. How do I stay true to me but also keep him from reacting?
Lostandfound Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Get out of it girl, before he lets you go. It sounds like is a hurting relationship to me for the both of you They are supposed to be fun and loving, and happy times
Citizen Erased Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Yet tonight he brought me flowers, so why can't I look past his mean comments? You should never HAVE to look past him telling you that you are not a nice person. If my boyfriend said I wasnt pretty and wasn't nice I would sure as hell kick him out of the moving car. I assume he has said far worse things than that and constantly right? He wants the control in your relationship and he has it. I bet you overreact to some of the things he says because you feel dominated and weak right? Like your feelings, emotions, opinions are being ignored? Because he thinks he is always right and anything which disagrees with him has to be wrong. This means he is very immature but unfortunately human. What you need to do is not stoop to his level. When he says something which you feel is irritating, mean etc, take a deep breath and stop your natural impulse to fight it. You will have to be the bigger person. I have to agree with Lostandfound, you need to get out. Sometimes people are not compatible with each other which is why i guess you are getting on each others nerves. It sounds like you may feel you need this relationship because it defines you as a person but you going home and crying every night, being afraid of losing him etc is not how you should live your life. I would take a good hard look at this guy the next time he says something hurtful and wonder if this guy is really worth the heartache.
lorr Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I need some advice. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. I truly love him, but I am at my wits end. We fight all the time and are seeing a couples coach. And lately I just cannot stand the way he treats me. Here is our pattern: ============= He says horrible things (from my point of view), I react, he reacts, I get defensive, he blows his fuse (he just ripped up the flowers he gave me tonight and chased the dog screaming), I panic and try to calm him down, he withdraws and tells me he cannot have a relationship like this, I drive him home and then cry myself to sleep. I feel like I cannot stick up for myself without him blowing up at me. I know I get mad at the things he says, but to me, he says and does really crappy things! Like tonight a friend of ours told me I was pretty and nice at dinner. Then on the way home he told me I wasn't really all that pretty and I was not really a nice person, I just wanted people to like me so that is why I acted the way I did. So I got mad and told him how it hurt me. Then we got in our old pattern. I know he loves me, but he never can say it. Yet tonight he brought me flowers, so why can't I look past his mean comments? I just feel like I am trying to tell him how I feel and it ends up being this dramatic evening where he doubts our relationship and me. He feels like I never listen to him, I just assume he is a bad person. I am sick of feeling like he is going to dump me anytime I get upset. What do I do? Our relationship coach thinks we both overreact. I get this, but I feel unsafe in my relationship. Like any second he will leave me or cheat on me. And I feel like I am trying to stick up for myself, but I keep pissing the living crap out of him when I do. How do I stay true to me but also keep him from reacting? This is definetly not a loving and healthy relationship.A relationship is supposed to bring out the best in couples not the worst. It seems that the relationship has run its course,(and there is nothing wrong with that). Not everyone will be compatible, and it does not mean that anyone has to put up with crap in the process. I don't believe the "relationship coach" is doing you guys any favours.This relationship is on its last legs,and its up to the both of you to realise that.
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