uksteve Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 2 weeks ago my fiancee broke up with me as I have previously posted (Broken Engagement!) after a few months of arguments. As we both had a place together we had to sort out some details by email, with regard to rent, furniture and so on. On Thursday, instead of emailing, I sent a text about some of the flat stuff. This was my mistake as minutes later my ex called! Now she was very upset, crying and said she was glad to hear from me. I was very upbeat and friendly and asked how she was. She told me she still loved me, was lonley and confused. She thought she had made a big mistake but wasnt sure. Now we had broken up/made up dozens of times in the last year since becoming engaged and it had really gotten me down. Although it was painful, I told her I accepted her decision and hoped she would be happy. We spoke for an hour. Big mistake on my part... This has now reawoken feelings I wanted to not have or try to put to one side. I found myself thinking "what if". She wants to be friends and after speaking with her mother yesterday (a big problem in our relationship - very pushy/interfering) she called again last night and told me she did the right thing. I agreed with her that was best - I really don't think it would work out. Now she wants to call today. I don't want to get dragged into this as it's starting to hurt again and I still obviously have feelings for her but I dont want to be mucked about again. I've also started to try to date again - even just to meet new people and have 2 dates arranged for the following week. I have a lot of feelings for this girl still but I don't think I love her anymore (could be just in denial )... I just want to try to move things on and have started to build a new life for myself - even though it's tough! How do I handle this? Any advice would be great as this has really confused how I am feeling.
lorr Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 It does seem that she is messing you about, with her indecisiveness. You've admitted that both of you have broken up dozen of times before, and I have to say that this is not a recipe for a good,loving stable relationship. Its only been 2 weeks,and IMHO it seems way too quick to throw yourself into the dating scene. Take the opportunity to reconnect with yourself. By this I mean, learn to enjoy being in your own company,take each day to improve your self-esteem and confidence,make plans with family and friends, take up a new hobby, travel(the list goes on and on).Once you start getting your life back on track, you'll find that everything will fall into place. You seem to have your head screwed on, and you really deserve better.The last thing that you need is drama.
Author uksteve Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 It seems like a pattern. We break up, she says she misses me, loves me and then when we got back together she broke up again. It really did my head in and I really need to move on. The dating thing - yes, I do feel it's a bit quick as I still obviously have substantial feelings for my ex. I moved back to my own city where i have been living part time for the past two years and have started to put the wheels in motion for a new life here. Going to the PT again at the Gym from next week, doing some photography classes (always wanted to) and have made a few new friends/hooked up with past friends in the two weeks. It's a big life change - should I just cut all contact for now? She wants to be friends she says but I think it's too early...
sb129 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 It seems like a pattern. We break up, she says she misses me, loves me and then when we got back together she broke up again. It really did my head in and I really need to move on. The dating thing - yes, I do feel it's a bit quick as I still obviously have substantial feelings for my ex. I moved back to my own city where i have been living part time for the past two years and have started to put the wheels in motion for a new life here. Going to the PT again at the Gym from next week, doing some photography classes (always wanted to) and have made a few new friends/hooked up with past friends in the two weeks. It's a big life change - should I just cut all contact for now? She wants to be friends she says but I think it's too early... I agree with you: its way too early to be friends. I think it may also be a little early to date too though!! You need to focus on YOU. You are doing all the right things- moving to be around familiar places and people, and doing the photography is great. Also exercise is brilliant, its a recommended therapy for people with depression! Your ex-fiancee is no longer your problem. It sounds like she is the one with some issues, and by breaking up with you, they are now nothing to do with you anymore. She has to work them out for herself. Harsh but true. She chose to not be with you, she can't have her cake and eat it as well. NC will also help you get some perspective, and maybe even realise how destructive the pattern was, so that you are stronger to resist it in the future.
lorr Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 It seems like a pattern. We break up, she says she misses me, loves me and then when we got back together she broke up again. It really did my head in and I really need to move on. The dating thing - yes, I do feel it's a bit quick as I still obviously have substantial feelings for my ex. I moved back to my own city where i have been living part time for the past two years and have started to put the wheels in motion for a new life here. Going to the PT again at the Gym from next week, doing some photography classes (always wanted to) and have made a few new friends/hooked up with past friends in the two weeks. It's a big life change - should I just cut all contact for now? She wants to be friends she says but I think it's too early... First of all I want to say congratulations, and well done for getting on with things and taking up those hobbies.You are totally doing the right thing. Yes I agree that it is way too early to be thinking about going down the friendship route at this present moment in time. I do believe that a friendship could be possible in the near future, but only if there is no feelings on both your parts. If she does contact you then you need to be honest and tell her that you are not ready for friendship right now, and that you need time and space.She will definetly respect you more for being upfront, and she should not feel the need to pressure you.
Author uksteve Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks guys for your very helpful posts Exercise is great and something I love to do! I've been really upbeat (well as much as anyone can be) about this until the NC thing was broken for flat stuff. I just threw me off balance hearing her cry and tell me she missed me. But you're right, she dumped me, not the other way around (although it was something i had been considering) and I have to not feel sorry for her as she has hurt me too. I do feel very grown up taking this approach but maybe I have become a bit more mature from break-ups years back and handling it this way, with all you guy's good advice is the best way to go on. I'm looking forward to lots of selfish, pampering, me time and will tell my ex that we can be friends in a month or three but right now best to get some space! Thanks again!
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