Oh, yes, she went there.....

[Teacher's Pet]

I can't sleep.

 

Tonight, I was talking to one of my best friends about what she was up to in comedy (she's a fledgling comedy promoter in the NYC area)..... She was with me through my entire "B" ordeal, and even formed somewhat of a friendship with her while we were together.

 

After B and I broke up, she remained distant friends with her, but that seemed to fade quickly.

 

Tonight, for the first time in several months, she brought B up in conversation.

 

And like last time, my heart stopped.

 

My friend and B have a mutual friend, a nice guy who's in the Army and serving in Afghanistan. While he's away, B's cousin, who is the godfather to the guy's kids, has been keeping an eye on the family.... B, a friend to that family was in contact with him overseas via email.....

 

Apparently, my friend was talking to "Army Guy" the other day over email, and he commented that he hadn't heard from B in MONTHS. They would text and/or email almost every day, but he hasn't heard from her in ages. (During our relationship, I witnessed B sever a few friendships of hers.... apparently, she's not good at ANY kind of relationship).....

 

What he did say was that the last time he talked to B, she was dating some guy she met online (this I knew), and apparently, they were living together (this, I had NO IDEA about..I was shocked). From what he gathered, B was "head over heels" for this new guy (I don't think this is the guy she dumped me for, though!), but no one has heard from her since. A couple of times, Army Guy's wife was looking for B for help with something, and she was no where to be found, apparently. Now, Army Guy is basically giving up on his long-standing friendship with B..

 

For those of you who have been following my soap opera here, B's cousin DID get married last fall, much to the dissaproval of his family and friends (I met his wife, she seems ok, but no one seems to like her!).....

 

Anyway..... I have to admit, hearing that her "new found romance" has apparently failed made me chuckle a little.... it created more questions in my head...

 

Was this the guy she left me for? I don't think so, only because I think she reposted her personal ad sometime during this period...... but... this guy she "fell for"..... what did she see in him that made her fall so hard for him? I mean, she fell for me. When things were good, she fawned all over me, sexually and emotionally. But, I guess a part of me just wants to know what made him so special for her to get these feelings.... and were they actually living together? B and I were engaged, but we never moved in together (though we would have by the fall/winter at any rate).....

 

You know something? I don't even know WHAT answers I'm looking for. I'm not "hurt" by what I learned tonight, I don't think, but I guess I want to know how this relationship ended. If she dumped him, then I should consider myself (and him) just another casualty. But if he dumped her..... I guess I want to know what was going through her mind.... did she truly feel hurt (if she's capable of that!)??? Did she think of me at all, and maybe start to understand how she made me feel? (again, if she's even capable of that).... Or what?

 

It's 4:20am, and I'm rambling, but so much is going through my head.

 

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, but now I really want to contact her more than ever. It's been 6 1/2 months of NC (and ZERO contact since she said "Don't contact me!"), so I've been doing GREAT, but lately, I'm really starting to weaken.

 

I shouldn't be getting this weak at this point in the game, I guess I just want answers......

 

I don't know.... part of me is semi-happy to hear that all isn't so rosy and bright for her, and part of me just......

 

......misses her so much.

 

Somebody...just.... guide me through this.....it's a new year, and I want to stop getting emotional over her, but I just can't.....

 

-tp

trying so f'ing hard not to break down and call her

[KittenMoon]

TP-

 

From all your posts, the only redeeming factor this girl seems to have is that she's dynamite in the sack. Otherwise, she seems utterly crazy when it comes to any other interpersonal relationship.

 

To quote the song- "that girl is poison."

 

Forgive yourself for still missing her, don't feel guilty because you have emotions, but accept the fact that she's a rabid wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

Deep down inside, do you want to save her? You can't be her Prince Charming who pulls her back from her self-destructive edge.

 

There are other wonderful women in this world who are passionate and DON'T bring endless painful drama with them.

[Storyrider]

I'm sure I'm just telling you what you already know, but when you allow yourself to ruminate over these details, you're just digging yourself deeper into the same obsessive rut.

 

It is hard because when you want/miss someone you will grasp at any image or memory or fantasy that helps you hold onto them. So the question is, do you want to hold onto her or do you want to let her go?

 

I think you are holding onto her at the expense of your own well being at this point. You know that, right?

[Porn_Guy]

-tp

trying so f'ing hard not to break down and call her

you should go ahead and contact her...what do you have to lose?

[paris38]

How old are you? Please move on. It's over. No contact for six months....she doesn't want you. She is not interested.

P.S. You are the one turning it into a soap opera. Forget about her and what she is doing with her life and there is no soap opera. Make it simple and find someone who loves you.

[TYASAFAHICSI]

Dude--you need a life. Sorry! But you need to find an outlet to forget about her. Seriously, you work in a bar, do comedy. Those are outstanding venues to meet people (not for a "relationship" necessarily) and you need to do it.

 

Whining and crying about a woman that told you to take a hike half a year ago will get you nowhere. You were not married. Move on! Forget the cunt!

 

As for knowing what her thoughts are--fugggetaboutit! I am divorced and my wife of 10 years would never and still will not tell me what her thoughts were broke us up.

[Pyro]

I agree that you need to put her behind you and move on. I don't see how you have trouble meeting any new women. Your sense of humor cracks me up and I am sure that women would love it just as much.

[Teacher's Pet]

I don't know.....

 

I guess part of me is still holding on to SOME kind of hope, whether it exists or not.

 

I suppose the thing that gets to me is how "complete" our relationship was. I mean, all told, it was just shy of a year from beginning to end, but we had pretty much everything possible in it... a "courtship", a pregnancy scare, an engagement, spending time with each other's families, spending time with each other's friends, getting to know each other's co-workers, helping each other through job stress, her comforting me during a personal tragedy (a friend of mine was left paralyzed by a drunk driver), several periods of "drama", including 2 of her friends who were dating breaking up and the bizarre circumstances surrounding that which got us both involved way too deeply, family illnesses, financial problems (for both of us), even becoming part-time parents to her friend/ex-gf's daughter (she was a HORRIBLE parent, B and I actually would take the kid out more than her own mother would, and people would look at us thinking it was OUR child, which, for those of you who know the REST of my story, knows that broke my heart because of my own past)..... For the period of time we were together, it felt like we lived out an entire life.

 

B was my first SERIOUS relationship since H and I lost a child several years before. I really thought she was the answer. I never had true closure with H, especially about the miscarriage, and meeting and falling in love with B felt like my way out of having to look back ever again.

 

Now I don't even have that much, and I spent a lot of the summer missing B, missing H, AND wondering "what if?" about becoming a father.

 

It's just been too much to bear, and while everyone (here and in my personal life) has been so amazing to me, I just can't seem to piece the whole "picture" of my life back together to the point where I can just let it ALL go.

 

I KNOW I've done well. I've maintained NC with H for nearly SIX YEARS now (a mutual agreement of sorts), and NC with B for over 6 months (at HER request). The problem is, all that NC has left me to myself to workout my relationship problems. It's one thing to talk about losing a pregnancy with friends/coworkers/therapists, but to sit down with who would have been the mother of your own child and just work through the pain we both felt is different. I never got that chance, and most likely, I never will.

 

It's just so hard to have so many WONDERFUL people in your life (and again, partially thanks to LS), yet still feel so alone. My friends have all listened to me and cared for me all this time without question, but it always feels like something is still missing, and that's the closure I've needed.

 

I WANT to move on. I HAVE been moving on. I've been going out, making new friends, even gone on dates, but I still have those lingering issues still haunting me, and no matter how much "fun" I have, or who I'm with, they don't go away.

 

I just want my life back, so I can ready it to share with someone else in the future.

 

-tp

in emotional limbo

[Teacher's Pet]

you should go ahead and contact her...what do you have to lose?

 

My self-respect. It's the one thing I've NEVER lost through all of this.

 

I KNOW I'm too good for her.

 

Just some feeling are really hard to shake.

 

-tp

im too sexy

[Teacher's Pet]

How old are you? Please move on. It's over. No contact for six months....she doesn't want you. She is not interested.

P.S. You are the one turning it into a soap opera. Forget about her and what she is doing with her life and there is no soap opera. Make it simple and find someone who loves you.

 

And if it was that easy, LS would cease to exist...

 

-tp

keeping it simple

[Teacher's Pet]

Dude--you need a life. Sorry! But you need to find an outlet to forget about her. Seriously, you work in a bar, do comedy. Those are outstanding venues to meet people (not for a "relationship" necessarily) and you need to do it.

 

Whining and crying about a woman that told you to take a hike half a year ago will get you nowhere. You were not married. Move on! Forget the cunt!

 

As for knowing what her thoughts are--fugggetaboutit! I am divorced and my wife of 10 years would never and still will not tell me what her thoughts were broke us up.

 

I have a life, but with a life, comes a lot of unanswered questions. Sadly, I'm the type that "needs to know everything", for better or worse.

 

Just a personality flaw, I guess...

 

-tp

inquisitive little ****

[paris38]

there is really nothing else to say to you because you are rejecting the complete moving on idea. You seem to think she owes you something because of all the experiences you went through, but she really doesn't. She left you for another guy, and THEN said she wanted NO contact with you and has followed that up by no contact for over 6 months. Sorry to be harsh here, but what more closure do you need?

Yes it was a horrible experience, but we have all been through a breakup. You just have to completely convince yourself that she will NEVER be a part of your future again, as friends or otherwise. YOU CAN BE HAPPY WITH THAT, YOU DON'T NEED THIS WOMAN TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Please don't go out on any dates until you've completely convinced yourself that you will never have anything to do with B again, I wouldn't want to date a guy as hung up as you, not even a first date.

[Teacher's Pet]

I agree that you need to put her behind you and move on. I don't see how you have trouble meeting any new women. Your sense of humor cracks me up and I am sure that women would love it just as much.

 

I have no problem meeting women (as long as I don't make an ass of myself in front of them on NYE...ahem!)..... I guess the one good thing that has come of all of this is that I've been getting progressively more and more "picky" about women as time has gone by lately.

 

I've never been really picky about women (apparently!), but now, I've learned to focus in on certain traits within women I've been meeting, as opposed to the generic "Two ti*s, a hole, and a heartbeat", that has made up 95% of my old "checklist".

 

I've learned to analyze women a little better (don't worry ladies, I haven't figured it all out...YET), and I KNOW what I want in a woman. It's a certain combination of personality/intellectual/physical traits that I seek, but while "sifting through" the pool of available women I seem to encounter, the piece of me that holds on to "what might have been" still has a very strong grip on me.

 

I've been a "pack rat" all my life, I guess being one can be just as much an emotional thing as a physical thing. It's just as easy to hold onto a memory as it is an old t-shirt.

 

-tp

thinks he still has one of her old t-shirts.

[Pyro]

I have no problem meeting women (as long as I don't make an ass of myself in front of them on NYE...ahem!)..... I guess the one good thing that has come of all of this is that I've been getting progressively more and more "picky" about women as time has gone by lately.

 

I've never been really picky about women (apparently!), but now, I've learned to focus in on certain traits within women I've been meeting, as opposed to the generic "Two ti*s, a hole, and a heartbeat", that has made up 95% of my old "checklist".

 

I've learned to analyze women a little better (don't worry ladies, I haven't figured it all out...YET), and I KNOW what I want in a woman. It's a certain combination of personality/intellectual/physical traits that I seek, but while "sifting through" the pool of available women I seem to encounter, the piece of me that holds on to "what might have been" still has a very strong grip on me.

 

I've been a "pack rat" all my life, I guess being one can be just as much an emotional thing as a physical thing. It's just as easy to hold onto a memory as it is an old t-shirt.

 

-tp

thinks he still has one of her old t-shirts.

 

Sounds like you are improving. Keep at it.

 

You are right that its not easy to get rid of a memory like that, but you have got to try.

[paris38]

I am not being mean here but you need professional therapy. The answer you need to your question is she fell out of love with you and broke up with you. There was apparently the fact she left you for another guy, but the bottom line is she fell out of love, attraction, and any desire to be in a relationship with you of any kind. There you have it! Your answers you're looking for.

[Guest]

I can't sleep.

 

Tonight, I was talking to one of my best friends about what she was up to in comedy (she's a fledgling comedy promoter in the NYC area)..... She was with me through my entire "B" ordeal, and even formed somewhat of a friendship with her while we were together.

 

After B and I broke up, she remained distant friends with her, but that seemed to fade quickly.

 

Tonight, for the first time in several months, she brought B up in conversation.

 

And like last time, my heart stopped.

 

My friend and B have a mutual friend, a nice guy who's in the Army and serving in Afghanistan. While he's away, B's cousin, who is the godfather to the guy's kids, has been keeping an eye on the family.... B, a friend to that family was in contact with him overseas via email.....

 

Apparently, my friend was talking to "Army Guy" the other day over email, and he commented that he hadn't heard from B in MONTHS. They would text and/or email almost every day, but he hasn't heard from her in ages. (During our relationship, I witnessed B sever a few friendships of hers.... apparently, she's not good at ANY kind of relationship).....

 

What he did say was that the last time he talked to B, she was dating some guy she met online (this I knew), and apparently, they were living together (this, I had NO IDEA about..I was shocked). From what he gathered, B was "head over heels" for this new guy (I don't think this is the guy she dumped me for, though!), but no one has heard from her since. A couple of times, Army Guy's wife was looking for B for help with something, and she was no where to be found, apparently. Now, Army Guy is basically giving up on his long-standing friendship with B..

 

For those of you who have been following my soap opera here, B's cousin DID get married last fall, much to the dissaproval of his family and friends (I met his wife, she seems ok, but no one seems to like her!).....

 

Anyway..... I have to admit, hearing that her "new found romance" has apparently failed made me chuckle a little.... it created more questions in my head...

 

Was this the guy she left me for? I don't think so, only because I think she reposted her personal ad sometime during this period...... but... this guy she "fell for"..... what did she see in him that made her fall so hard for him? I mean, she fell for me. When things were good, she fawned all over me, sexually and emotionally. But, I guess a part of me just wants to know what made him so special for her to get these feelings.... and were they actually living together? B and I were engaged, but we never moved in together (though we would have by the fall/winter at any rate).....

 

You know something? I don't even know WHAT answers I'm looking for. I'm not "hurt" by what I learned tonight, I don't think, but I guess I want to know how this relationship ended. If she dumped him, then I should consider myself (and him) just another casualty. But if he dumped her..... I guess I want to know what was going through her mind.... did she truly feel hurt (if she's capable of that!)??? Did she think of me at all, and maybe start to understand how she made me feel? (again, if she's even capable of that).... Or what?

 

It's 4:20am, and I'm rambling, but so much is going through my head.

 

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, but now I really want to contact her more than ever. It's been 6 1/2 months of NC (and ZERO contact since she said "Don't contact me!"), so I've been doing GREAT, but lately, I'm really starting to weaken.

 

I shouldn't be getting this weak at this point in the game, I guess I just want answers......

 

I don't know.... part of me is semi-happy to hear that all isn't so rosy and bright for her, and part of me just......

 

......misses her so much.

 

Somebody...just.... guide me through this.....it's a new year, and I want to stop getting emotional over her, but I just can't.....

 

-tp

trying so f'ing hard not to break down and call her

 

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT U JUST SAID

I GUESS THE ONLY THING I REALLY NEED TO KNOW FROM U IS

IF U ARE WITH SOMEONE [i DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHO] BUT THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE U CARE ENUFF ABOUT YOU LIVE AND BE WITH OVER MY ADVANCES - AND THAT'S OK

ALL THE OTHER STUFF I DON'T NEED TO HEAR IF U AND I ARE NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO A FUTURE TOGETHER -WHICH I WANT AND HAVE BEEN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND FROM U

I AM NOT A PRINCE CHARMING OR A SHINING KNIGHT AND I TAKE OFFENCE TO SOMEONE SAYING YOU NEED TO BE SAVED SOMEHOW

YES U NEED SUPPORT AND GUIDANCE BECAUSE OF ALL THE THINGS WE KNOW

BUT THAT IS NOT SAVING U

IT IS BEING A FRIEND

THAT SHOULD MEAN SOMETHING

MAYBE EVERYONE IN YER LIFE DOES THAT SO ITS COMMON PLACE

MAYBE YOU HAVE LEARNED BEHAVIOUR THAT WHEN U ARE HURT ITS BEEN DONE SEXUALLY SO THAT IS WHY U CAN VIEW THINGS AND PEOPLE A CERTAIN WAY BECAUSE YOU ARE PROTECTING YOUR HEART AND LETTING YOUR MIND AND BODY PLAY WHILE YOUR SOUL TELLS YOU TO STOP

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES U TELL ME THAT D IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE ABOVE ALL ELSE BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE YOU HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT AND YET CAN LOOK AT ME IN THE OPPOSITE AND NOT SEE THAT AS PTSD

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IN SOME THINGS YOU SAY, HOW U CONSTANTLY PUT YERSELF DOWN AND USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO SATISFY PRIMAL PROTECTION REFLECTS WHILE BUILDING UP A CATALOG OF BRILLIANT KNOWLEDGE

I TAKE OFFENCE TO YOU STATING TO ME YOU LIKE TALLER MEN, MEN WITH HAIR, BIGGER C-CKS, MORE SEX DRIVE, THEN TELL ME I MUST NOT ACT THAT WAY

I TAKE OFFENCE TO UJ NOT TAKING CARE OF YERSELF

AND PUTTING YOURSELF IN A POSITION WHERE YOU CAN DO ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT WITHOUT DRAMA

I CAN SAY I LOVE U AND HEAR U SAY U LOVE OTHERS MORE AND NOT BE HURT

I CAN STILL BE YOUR FRIEND - EVEN THOUGH I WANT MORE

I AM SORRY THAT I THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL

I AM TRYING TO SHOW YOU AND HAVE YOU DIGEST THE FACT THAT YOU ARE, YOU SAY IT ALL THE TIME, YET DON'T FOLLOW THRU

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING A MAN BESIDE YOU ALL THAT WAY

SOMEONE THAT WHATS TO NOT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASON

 

RIGHT NOW I AM JUST HAPPY AND OVER THE MOON TO BE TALKING WITH YOU AND FINDING OUT WHAT U ARE ABOUT AND WHAT U WANT IN LIFE

THAT IS NOT ME MAKING YOU THE CENTRE OF MY WORLD

THAT IS ME INVITING U IN MY TO SHARE YERS

[Teacher's Pet]

I am not being mean here but you need professional therapy. The answer you need to your question is she fell out of love with you and broke up with you. There was apparently the fact she left you for another guy, but the bottom line is she fell out of love, attraction, and any desire to be in a relationship with you of any kind. There you have it! Your answers you're looking for.

 

Paris,

 

I've never been one to mention other people's posts on here, but do you think the way I'm feeling is not unlike the way you feel about your ex? I read up on your situation, and I totally sympathize.

 

Just like you, a piece of me (though in my case, a very SMALL one) is wishing that my ex would recovering from "going off the deep end" and realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to her (she even admitted I was the first truly SUPPORTIVE boyfriend she ever had). I know my ex has feelings for me. She's not totally a robot, and she knows how well I treated her, she just felt that she could do better elsewhere, and hey, it was her choice to make. My only real "grievance" with her is that she didn't even leave any room for "friendship", which I was more than willing to give her, since that's how our relationship started (for several months before even our first kiss!)

 

You will find a lot of people on LS have similar situations, that's what bonds us together on here.

 

Losing a loved one is nothing new. It's whether you cope with the aftermath alone or among people who care that sometimes determines your recovery.

 

Any one of us on here can read anyone else's "story" and see a piece of themselves in it. That's what makes this place amazing. We're all on the same team. Sadly, it's usually the LOSING team, but there's always strength in numbers.

 

Welcome to LoveShack. You're one of us now.

 

-tp

you will be absorbed!

[paris38]

I appreciate your support. I may have been a bit harsh.

[Teacher's Pet]

I appreciate your support. I may have been a bit harsh.

 

Nah. You are being realistic.

 

I met one of my best friends in the entire world through this site, and she kicks my ass on a regular basis. Trust me, I deserve and appreciate the tough love she gives me.

 

And of course, you always have my support here.

 

That's why we're all here!

 

-tp

mr. sunshine

[Mollyanna]

TP, i swear to God if you call that little teacher whore, I will send Jen after you!!! You are just lonely now. If you call her, you will feel even more miserable. You were beginning to make progress. Don't stop now. That girl is SOOOOO not what you need.

[Kelso]

TP...I think it's true what Paris is trying to tell you. There is now half a year since you last spoke to your ex ... and if she has any interest in you...she'd have called months ago. Of course I'm not the one to blame you, feeling like a car wreck somedays.

 

However, I believe that I have one advice that might help you, as it helped me a lot last month. It's not gonna sound real good in here, but I think you should stay away from Love Shack for a while. As you said above "You will be absorbed"...that is completely true.

 

You guys can't take it the wrong way ... but my experience is something like this:

 

a) We broke up and I found Love Shack. It helped me A LOT for the first weeks after the breakup. Taught me everything about NC and how I needed to let it go in order to be able to heal.

 

b) Almost everytime she popped into my head ... I logged on to LS just to read some comforting posts and letters. It helped me to calm my mind and it was really good to see that I was not the only one feeling like **** out there.

 

c) About 6-7 weeks later I was on track ... I wasn't thinking about her all day. But I logged onto LS every day and sometimes often each day. It had become a habit...just like you were telling Paris what would happen.

 

d) I realized that logging into LS wasn't helping me so much anymore. Instead of helping me to let go of her...it sometimes just reminded me of her. Just few minutes ago...when you wrote down some of the nice things you and your ex did together. It reminded me a whole lot of stuff that me and my ex did together....and I wouldn't be thinking about unless I had written what you said.

 

Long story short. I think that after X amount of time, LS stops helping you and starts working against your healing. Instead of helping you let go ... it starts reminding of your ex. You start to think of her because it is a habit to log on.

 

So I decided to take a break from here for a week in december. It resulted in me not thinking about her as often. But Christmas was hard...so I came back. But I really found that not coming here so often helped me to think of her less often.

 

English isn't my 1st language...but I hope you've understood what I'm trying to say

 

Again...thanks everyone for your advices here ... but think about it... If LS is standing in your way....try limit your visits to here to once per day. And then try to take a break for 3 days. And then a week. Just try to take a break. It worked for me...and I seriously need to take another break anytime soon

[Teacher's Pet]

TP, i swear to God if you call that little teacher whore, I will send Jen after you!!! You are just lonely now. If you call her, you will feel even more miserable. You were beginning to make progress. Don't stop now. That girl is SOOOOO not what you need.

 

My God, how much I love you.

 

*hugs*

 

-tp

thanks, I needed that!

[Teacher's Pet]

It's not gonna sound real good in here, but I think you should stay away from Love Shack for a while.

 

This place has kept me sane the last 6 months.

 

Besides, it would be like leaving family.

 

And heck, the girls here might miss me.....

 

-tp

doofus

[AriaIncognito]

I understand the poster that mentioned that sometimes coming here, can actually do more harm than good. I've found that coming here, I can dwell too much on a failed relationship. Sometimes reading all the stories makes you feel like it'll never happen for you because look at all these hurting people. Why bother trying when it's full of hurt. Etc. It's definitely a delicate line, for me.

 

On the other hand, it's a great place to vent, bounce ideas and even meet people. Just gotta know our limits and what is best for us.

 

Now, as for this B thing, DS is right, I will kick your ass. She's not worth it. She broke up with you like every 2 weeks in that pieced together year long relationship. You want and deserve more than that (yes, I'm the pot calling the kettle black with that, i'm not blind. i should practice that which I preach). It's so hard to keep up hope and to keep up spirits, I know that, but I guess we all have to do as much as we can, to know that all things happen for a reason, and that there's just something even better waiting for us, if we are patient.

[Art_Critic]

you should go ahead and contact her...what do you have to lose?

 

I agree with Mr. Porn..

 

Simple.. If she blows you off you have the finality that you need in your soap opera..hence the ability to move on..

If she doesn't then you still get the finality..