Looking Within - a serious ? for OW's

[Ripples]

I'm a BS. My partner cheated on me with at least two women over the first three years of our relationship. His relationship with them only finished because I found out, not, in other words, because he didn't want to still be seeing them.

 

Everything I'm about to say does not relate to the men that just seek the excitement of the illicit.

 

I think that there are stages that one goes through after finding out that one's life partner has cheated on one. Much like the grieving process, sometimes one can get stuck in one stage of resolution and not get out. I think you're working through those stages and you're not yet out the other side.

 

One of the stages of this process is understanding that whilst there is never an excuse for cheating, sometimes there is a reason. I believe that my relationship with my partner was just not good enough to sustain as it was, hence he went looking elsewhere. I didn't fulfill his needs.

 

Don't assume that I am taking any blame for his cheating. Nor am I taking responsibility for him not finishing with me or telling me he was unhappy. However, I am taking responsibility for not giving him what he needed and not taking the status of our relationship seriously enough. His affairs didn't come out of the blue, we were not happy. I didn't fulfil his needs.

 

He didn't fulfill mine either, I didn't have an affair, but I acted selfishly in other ways. I withdrew, I got angry over nothing etc. etc. Neither of us behaved in an acceptable way.

 

I now know that the OW had no responsibility in any of this. They knew, absolutely accurately, that he wasn't happy in his relationship and they believed (and why wouldn't they?) that he would leave me. And he would have! The only reason he didn't is because I found out and was prepared to examine myself in the context of our relationship and do the work to give him what he needed. Seeing this from me, he realised that he too was prepared to do the work. We now have the opportunity to make something of ourselves, together, that is better, stronger than before. We're taking it.

 

Back to why the OW would believe he would leave me. He didn't lie to them, he didn't need to, he had a valid needs that weren't being met by me. Without him saying he would leave me, they came to that natural conclusion. And why on earth wouldn't they? Why would anyone stay in an unhappy relationship? It's perfectly reasonable to assume that if someone's unhappy with their partner that they'll leave them. Even if it means knowing that they need to find someone else first.

 

Really, stop apportioning blame, stop examining what happened. You now have the opportunity to build something better. You wouldn't want to go back to how it was before, it patently wasn't what either of you needed.

[pricillia]

touche, it is hard for me to imagine him at home in bed with his wife, i have to try not to think of him with her, i saw them together once at a store, and it made me physically ill. i saw the man that i love with another woman, and knew that i had no real claim on him. i am in a relationship where i know he is sleeping with another woman and i have to accept that. i guess i just dont see me as a victim, when i am aware of the situation, although yes it hurts tremendously. i feel like it is more my fault that i feel this way then his though. like everyone says, i could always choose to end this. i just wont because i love him, and that is my own stupidity.

 

 

OK Sad but true, I feel that you are really down on yourself! He has you right where he wants you. I know that I am a OW but you said that you have to accept that he is sleeping with his wife, no you actually dont, you are not stupid and if the result of you being in this relationship is making you feel this way then you should get out of it.

[redlynne]

[sIZE=6]I am a former OW I was with MM for 5 years ,I ended it 3/31/2006.

At 1st we were friends for 2 years he want married yet -married during this time .

I thought I was in love ,didn’t of course intend to sleep with him & begin A.

It was a lot of he married her because of the baby ,after year 1 or 2 I started NC on & off,

call me when you leave her etc.

IT kept on for years .

I was 22 when I met him as a friend & bit starved for love ,I didn’t realize his issues until to late .

LS helped a bit I came here in 2004 and started better NC ,around that time he started on serious.

Then if you check out LS under Lynne red around 8/2005 he left the W treated me like crap ,later I found out she kicked him out over another OW ,then he went back (I want sleeping with him after he went back)then in Jan 2005 he was saying W is accusing him of sleeping with someone at the gym he denies .

So in Feb or march he introduces me to friend of his that when I find out about all this & @that time there was a new OW of course at the gym!!

Well If I didn’t learn if he will do it with you he will do it to you !!

And he wouldn’t even admit this to me he denied "if you didn’t see me do it"your psycho like W"

and so on ,then after I broke it off ,a month or so later on a phone call he admitted it all,but it was my fault ,because I like the W was not giving him any he couldn’t comprehend ,anything he did wrong to myself or W.

Sorry but that was edited short version .

Now your questions

Do you really believe all he tells you about his wife and marriage? Do you really believe that they don't have sex? Do you really believe that they don't vacation together, parent together or have any kind of a husband/wife relationship

I did for a time he worked 11-7 she & I more of a 9-5 he called me all night from work.

I believed he loved me & was just stuck in a bad situation .

Eventually I started to see how selfish & the things he said W said about him were true ex selfish .

Now I feel I wasted 7 years the 2 I knew him as a friend as well he totally misrepresented himself to me .

It was wrong to sleep with another husband ,now I feel so bad for her & in a way I don’t.

she never knew about me but the other 3 she does he was busted 8/2006 & 8/2005 right around there wedding anniversity .

Last I spoke to him was 8/2006 on the phone he stated there was a picture in his email of him & new OW on the couch at his fathers !!

I was speaking of how he hurt me he states my marriage is falling apart & you are concerned with yourself .

I told him it was his fault &he deserved it ,I hope she didn’t take him back but I feel she probably did .

He never "gave me up"(his words) so she will never know about me .

I almost called her but I felt she knows he lies & cheats I wouldn’t want to hurt her more .

I regret the relationship ,I am smarter now but since I ended with him I have not dated .

I think of him more out of curiosty,dont ever want to see him again .

I don’t agree with all your opinions.

As far as the A I blame the MM as far as the W ,I didn’t interfere I didn’t put her down I didn’t cheat on her he did that where W anger needs to be .

Most of the time the MM screws the OW over worst then the W ,and the MM that cheat I think they love only themselves .

Once I found hint of other OW even though he denied I broke it off .

I think it would hurt W more to know of me since it was 5 years versus the others were short flings .

I wouldnt do it again ,yet I feel I owe W nothing I feel bad for her ,but she keeps putting up with it .

I am not evil im actully very nice not a whore just somebody who made a mistake .

Im that last year with him my life was sh*t emotially ,finacially everything fell apart .

I felt bad as far as W that he was wasting her time & mine & I would discuss this with him .

Now my belief has changed as far as A I don’t believe its "uncontrollable"I love him etc don’t do it .

It is so easy to be with MM @ first then reality sets in & we ignore it ,then you get so involved with him that you are attached & you want so much for what he says to be true even when you notice lies .

It makes me so mad when I read these post of those who break NC it is so easy to stay in that sick unnatural situation it takes balls to say hes no good I made a bad judgement & walk away ,he is not good if hes not man enough to walk away.

Hellenback I only read up to page 2 but I feel bad for you ,its your choice to stay with this man .

Don’t let him kill your self esteem or anything else .

I for one as a XOW know what I did was wrong & if I had it to do over wouldnt have I was inmature thinking love was a good reason to go against my morals & beliefs my life was hell with him ,it hurts so much the one you love with someone else ,now its over I have forgiven myself ,not him & I hope his W has the sense to end it with him because him he will not stop .

Good luck & stay strong

[/sIZE]

[NightStarr8]

 

I never thought I would get involved with someone married. I always looked down on men who would even THINK that I would do that! I've always, in fact, been incredibly judgmental (and I consider myself pretty non-judgmental on the whole) of men who had affairs, and the women who were involved with them (AND the wives who took them back, to be honest). But hey ho... life throws you something you weren't expecting and your moral high horse collapses underneath you.

 

How does it go now: never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

 

I wish I had a dollar for every married man I turned down.

 

I remember once my guy asked why I didn't like an acquaintance, it's rare for me to reveal a dislike for someone. I said it was because the man was married, he had hit on me several times and continued doing so even though I had made it clear I wasn't interested. My guy thought I should be outraged by the man's "low morals" and couldn't understand why I wasn't. I didn't like the guy because he didn't understand the phrase 'I'm not interested." I was a challenge to him, it didn't matter what I thought or wanted. I have a tendency to dislike people like that.

 

We had a discussion about affairs (this was long before our friendship changed) and he said he just couldn't understand how someone could have an affair. It was wrong. If you're interested in someone else, you get a divorce. It was that cut and dried to him. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to have an extramarital relationship and he was absolutely positive he never would. At the time I told him I don't understand why people cheat, but I'm not going to judge them for it. I haven't walked in their shoes and unless I have, I can't honestly know what I'd do. I didn't think having an affair was the best choice someone could choose, but I wasn't going to judge them for it.

 

Part of the reason I was so stunned when he said he was in love with me was because he was so like Touche, A is right, B is wrong, people doing B have severe character flaws or are immoral and he would never do B. He says now the greatest lesson he has learned is not to judge, to instead seek understanding for what he doesn't comprehend.

 

I also never thought I'd get involved with anyone who was married, I always said there was no way. I was not that 'type of person,' what ever that was. I couldn't understand why my friends were involved with married people, but I knew it didn't make that 'that type of person,' they were good people with morals.

 

There's having morals and a value system that you can apply to the best of your ability in any situation and there's sitting on a high horse. The former can see you through life's choices - the ones where you fly and the ones where you stumble, the latter can leave you eating dust. Eating dust doesn't interest me, instead I do my best to live up to my value system with every choice I make in my life.

 

I debated within myself for a long time whether I should tell my guy to go home to his wife/get a divorce or discover what was going on between the two of us. He was a high horse guy eating dust and I realized there was never going to be a resolution to any of it unless we took the journey to find out what was going on within him and with us. My moral value system isn't lacking when compared to anyone on a high horse, I'm just not rigid in my belief about how people should resolve every situation they find themselves in. What is right for me, may be wrong for them.

[NightStarr8]

[quote=pricillia;1042860Can some of the other other women answer that question as well

why do we stay with MM...

Is it because we are afraid of commitment

Is it because we are in love with them

Are we victims

Are we stupid....

 

seriously I would like some perspective, soul searching..

 

I'm not a victim and I'm not stupid. I love him, but I wouldn't continue working on a relationship with him if it wasn't working for me or him. I'm committed to working on our relationship, so I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

 

I've stayed in the relationship because there is love, respect, compassion and commitment to each other to build and nurture a relationship that meets our needs. We both understand how fragile relationships are, how necessary it is to always communicate, even when it hurts and we have to both work to resolve all issues as they appear. Our relationship makes me want to be the best person I can be, for myself, for him, for us, the relationship does the same for him. It's rare to find that. That's why I've stayed with him while we took our own journeys and one together. There is no guarantee that our journeys will end in the same place, but for now they are entwined and as long as they are, we will travel through life together, sharing our experiences, learning from each other and growing together.

[pricillia]

I'm not a victim and I'm not stupid. I love him, but I wouldn't continue working on a relationship with him if it wasn't working for me or him. I'm committed to working on our relationship, so I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

 

I've stayed in the relationship because there is love, respect, compassion and commitment to each other to build and nurture a relationship that meets our needs. We both understand how fragile relationships are, how necessary it is to always communicate, even when it hurts and we have to both work to resolve all issues as they appear. Our relationship makes me want to be the best person I can be, for myself, for him, for us, the relationship does the same for him. It's rare to find that. That's why I've stayed with him while we took our own journeys and one together. There is no guarantee that our journeys will end in the same place, but for now they are entwined and as long as they are, we will travel through life together, sharing our experiences, learning from each other and growing together.

 

 

 

How long have you been with MM? Is there any sign that he will leave her for you?

[Touche]

I'm not a victim and I'm not stupid. I love him, but I wouldn't continue working on a relationship with him if it wasn't working for me or him. I'm committed to working on our relationship, so I don't think I'm afraid of commitment.

 

I've stayed in the relationship because there is love, respect, compassion and commitment to each other to build and nurture a relationship that meets our needs. We both understand how fragile relationships are, how necessary it is to always communicate, even when it hurts and we have to both work to resolve all issues as they appear. Our relationship makes me want to be the best person I can be, for myself, for him, for us, the relationship does the same for him. It's rare to find that. That's why I've stayed with him while we took our own journeys and one together. There is no guarantee that our journeys will end in the same place, but for now they are entwined and as long as they are, we will travel through life together, sharing our experiences, learning from each other and growing together.

 

I don't get it...how does an affair make you and him the best you can be? You said it makes him the best he can be? Cheating on his wife with you makes him the best he can be? Sorry, but I don't get that.

 

And to the other poster who said that I'm on a high horse...uhm, no. Not at all. I have weaknesses in areas but I'm just trying to understand how people can be weak in this particular area. I'm trying to understand the thought processes involved to justify continuing to be with a married man.

 

Sorry if I don't get it.

 

Lynne, great post. Sorry, you went through all of that. Sounds like you've been healing though.

[EnigmaXOXO]

My perspective is: it's the people in the marriage who should be respecting it. Their marriage, their relationship, their vows.

 

Actually, it only takes ONE individual to disrespect their relationship. And that's usually the cheater. The second person in this relationship may very well be respecting their "vows" (and/or promises) … they're just completely unaware they're working alone because the adulterer has failed (on purpose) to inform them that they've already half-way left that relationship.

 

Whether it's easier to deny it or not; it's usually the adulterer who's clinging tightly to the apron strings of that marriage. Which is why they go to such great lengths to make sure their spouse remains completely oblivious. After all, if given all the facts and the right to choose for themselves … that betrayed spouse might just give them that final cold shove out the door. They KNOW that, And that's what the adulterer is trying to avoid. They can't deal with their problems in an emotionally mature way, nor do they have the courage to let them go and walk away. Chances are, the betrayed spouse is the stronger and more emotionally stable partner in that marriage. The "adult" so to speak, and likely the nucleus of his/her family. And that's what the passive-aggressive cheater feels inadequate about and begins to resent and act out against.

 

Would it be fair to say, Hellen, that this was the case in your relationship also? Believe me, it's more common than not!

 

Now, I can understand that being a part of the whole picture, but come on... the Other Person can't step in and break something up that isn't already shakey.

 

The Other Person in the affair acts as an enabler and co-dependant. Sharing the same addiction and improper coping mechanisms as the adulterer. The Other Person fails to realize they're only preventing the adulterer from taking responsibility for themselves and thus helping the adulterer (and everyone else involved) to remain in limbo.

 

What's worse, the two co-dependants in the affair relationship (although unable to make any solid choices of their own) take the authority to make choices for the other uninformed participants involved. THESE are the real "victims" and/or casualties of this emotionally dysfunctional tag-team … and no one else. And if that marital relationship is "shaky" … it's because of the adulterer's inability to commit themselves to an honest resolution, and the affair partner's unwillingness to share equal accountability for their part in the sham.

 

After all, it's easier to convince yourself to do things you might not normally do when you have the support of an accomplice, friend or others. People rarely find the courage to step outside of their usual comfort zones and personal value systems when they're acting alone.

[Ladyjane14]

And to the other poster who said that I'm on a high horse...uhm, no.

 

Sorry Touche, but in this particular format... you MUST be on a moral high horse. There's no other possible explanation for your failure to agree that there are ever good enough excuses for involving oneself in somebody else's marriage.

 

It's impossible that you might be thinking things through, respecting other people, applying what you've learned in life... or ANY of that other kind of nonsense.

 

:p

[frannie]

Sorry Touche, but in this particular format... you MUST be on a moral high horse. There's no other possible explanation for your failure to agree that there are ever good enough excuses for involving oneself in somebody else's marriage.

 

Actually, the person who mentioned moral high horses was me. And I said I used to be on a moral high horse.

[Touche]

Bravo...excellent post Enigma. But I do think that in some cases the OW IS a victim. I mean look at all the cases where they didn't even know these guys were married. But you made some excellent points.

 

And LJ, very funny! You gave me my laugh for the day...I know I just have to get off this damn high horse of mine. I guess that's MY weakness..it's so hard. I'm so comfy up here. Why would I want to get down?

[frannie]

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain

 

Good quote. Very applicable to this thread, in my opinion.

[Touche]

Actually, the person who mentioned moral high horses was me. And I said I used to be on a moral high horse.

 

It's not a matter of being on a high horse. Only on here could I be put down for stating that wrong is wrong. It's wrong. Plain and simple.

 

I do things in my life that are wrong. I know they're wrong and I say it's wrong. I don't try to couch it and put a spin on it. I just try my very best to correct my bad behaviors. But I don't go around justifying these behaviors. I guess that's the problem I'm having in all of this here.

[frannie]

It's not a matter of being on a high horse. Only on here could I be put down for stating that wrong is wrong. It's wrong. Plain and simple.

 

I do things in my life that are wrong. I know they're wrong and I say it's wrong. I don't try to couch it and put a spin on it. I just try my very best to correct my bad behaviors. But I don't go around justifying these behaviors. I guess that's the problem I'm having in all of this here.

 

I may be mistaken, but I think I said something about 'no one is saying affairs are not wrong' a couple of pages back. Could have been 'I've never said affairs are 'right'' I don't recall the exact wording.

 

The questions asked were arounf WHY are OW doing this when it's not a great moral choice. That's why people were giving explanations: note not 'justifications'. I don't have to justify my position to anyone here. I really don't know what's so difficult to understand or where the 'problem' lies. People make different choices, end of story.

[Touche]

Yes, I see what you're saying. And some of us are trying to understand these choices and WHY they are being made.

 

No one said you had to justify anything. (There IS no justification anyway!) Those who want to explain can and those who don't want to don't have to. Who is holding a gun to your head?

[EnigmaXOXO]

But I do think that in some cases the OW IS a victim. I mean look at all the cases where they didn't even know these guys were married. But you made some excellent points.

 

I agree. Only an "unknowing" affair partner can wave that victim flag. But you cease to become a "victim" the moment you are given the facts and the opportunity to make your own choices. Can't cry "foul" once you've resigned yourself to participate in the cheater's game.

 

Anyone with common sense can see right through that fuzzy logic. The smoke and mirrors meant to distort and confuse just don't fly.

[NightStarr8]

How long have you been with MM? Is there any sign that he will leave her for you?

 

He is in the separating/filing for divorce phase now. I think his attorney plans to file this week, but there has been a few unforeseen events recently and I won't be surprised if the papers aren't filed until the end of the month.

 

We've been friends for nine years, dating for almost four. The first year was spent deciding whether we were going to change our friendship and deepen the relationship, doing so and realizing an affair was not going to work for either of us. The following two years were spent with him in therapy, coming to terms with his marriage, our relationship and himself and what he was going to do to resolve everything. That is a long process, the dysfunction in the marital relationship didn't begin with his feelings for me, it began long before the marriage, before he met his wife. We do have a tendency to choose to have relationships with people based on our past experiences. If we've learned dysfunctional relationship skills from our experiences, we will choose to become involved with people who are compatible with those skills.

 

Near the end of the third year he decided to divorce and pursue our relationship. During those two years, our relationship suffered and the wounds were no where near healing. Neither of us thought we should go into his divorce process without first beginning to heal those wounds and strengthening our relationship. Our relationship is stronger, no where near perfection, but I think we're both confident that we can get through the difficulties the next year will bring without doing more damage and building upon the foundation we have. I also wanted to be sure he was divorcing for himself, not because of our relationship - that the two were separate. I'm convinced now that if I walk out of his life today, he would continue with the divorce.

 

Affair relationships can be resolved, there can be a future, but you have to have two people who are dedicated to doing so. The married person has to do the work within themselves too so that they can end one or both of the relationships and seek fulfillment with just one relationship, which may be the marriage, a relationship with the other person or ending both and beginning anew with someone else. When you take the first step down the path to resolve the relationships, there's no guarantee the the two will end up together.

[Touche]

pricillia I think this would make a great new thread. So often on this board we OW end up talking about our situations in the middle of someone's thread, or responding to questions from BSs (and on the backfoot, defending 'morals' etc.). Anyway, to answer this question here:

 

I am with MM because I know that he wants to leave, probably will leave, and we have potential for a great relationship. If I thought it was going to be an affair forever... well I'd end it. Or reduce it to a friendship over a period of time, and get on with my life. I'd hate to think he was completely out of my life forever, but I'm not prepared to accept it as an affair. We've been working towards being together in one way or another since we met.

 

You're not prepared to accept it as an affair? What do you think it is now? And how long have you been "working towards being together?" Just curious.

 

Look at the words in bold above. Sounds like shaky ground to me.

[frannie]

Yes, I see what you're saying. And some of us are trying to understand these choices and WHY they are being made.

 

No one said you had to justify anything. (There IS no justification anyway!) Those who want to explain can and those who don't want to don't have to. Who is holding a gun to your head?

 

I'm explaining because I enjoyed the question. In my last post, I was explaining the difference between justification and explanation, which seemed to be lost along the way somewhere... get it now?

[frannie]

You're not prepared to accept it as an affair? What do you think it is now? And how long have you been "working towards being together?" Just curious.

 

Look at the words in bold above. Sounds like shaky ground to me.

 

Yes, I'm not prepared to accept it as an affair.

 

Yes, it is an affair now.

 

Read my previous posts for details.

 

And of course it's shaky ground.

[Ladyjane14]

Great posts btw, Enigma and Ripples. I enjoyed that article you referenced earlier too, Enigma. It's the first of Frank Pittman that I've read... and man, he doesn't pull any punches, does he?

 

I think Ripple's post ties in very accurately to the point that Enigma made about the failure of the cheater to address his problems at home. Clearly, there's dysfunction in how he copes with adversity. When somebody like Ripples, or me in my situation for that matter, elects to actively HELP her partner by addressing the defects which we, ourselves, have brought to the relationship.. we often find that our efforts are rewarded. Our partner sometimes stabilizes enough to address his previous inability to cope, and is then open to learning new problem-solving techniques.

 

Obviously, this isn't what's bound to happen in every relationship. As we've seen in the Pittman article, there are several different types of cheaters.

 

 

 

 

 

Frannie, I know you see the correlation in there to your own situation. You said as much here:

 

Ladyjane, no one could really argue with this. It's just you're coming from one angle on affairs, and the people on this board are (for the most part) coming from another one. You see OW as people unnecessarily adding to the hurt in the world, and making a deliberate choice to do that when they could chose another path. I can't really argue with that. But there are other angles to this, other hurts that are involved in affairs, in poor marriages, in the whole situation of people looking to make the best of their lives.

 

No, affairs aren't any kind of answer to anything really, and I personally have never advocated them to anyone - take a look at my posts. I imagine 90% of them are advising against getting involved in an affair or trying to help someone see their way out of one. It just happens that I'm not trying to get out of mine by walking away, but by waiting til he's ready to leave. I know you don't like that, but that's how it is. Hopefully this year and the following years will be the time when my MM finally gets free of a situation that's been suffocating him for years. And yes, I do feel I can comment on that aspect of his marriage, because I can see it with my own eyes.

 

Maybe he 'should' have worked on his marriage more years ago, maybe the communication could have been restored, maybe they could have worked out their differences. When I first met him I tried to help him to do that but he didn't want to. He said it was dead and he was tired of trying. Then he broke things off with me and we didn't really speak for months. We've been through hell several times over in this affair, well mostly I have. I think he's been pretty much dead to emotions for most of it, and I've been too tense and unhappy to enjoy much of what we've shared. I'm hoping that we have a happy future. I'm not blind or indifferent to what his wife might feel or what she'll feel IF he files. But that's not my problem. He's the man I love, he's the one I want to see happy and fulfilled. If that makes me a terrible person, then so be it.

 

When you separate intellect from emotion, you already know that someday you're going to have to deal with the fact that this man does NOT step up to the plate and problem-solve effectively.

 

All in all, there's nothing you'll say to change my stance, and nothing I'll say to change yours. But believe me, I'm not so far up on my own high horse that I wouldn't bother to give you a head's-up if I see you 'hell-bent-for-leather' running toward a brick wall.

 

Please have a care for yourself. If you're determined to proceed.. do it with your eyes wide open. Half the battle is knowing what to expect.

[frannie]

I agree. Only an "unknowing" affair partner can wave that victim flag. But you cease to become a "victim" the moment you are given the facts and the opportunity to make your own choices. Can't cry "foul" once you've resigned yourself to participate in the cheater's game.

 

Anyone with common sense can see right through that fuzzy logic. The smoke and mirrors meant to distort and confuse just don't fly.

 

But who is crying foul on this thread?

[sb129]

Good gracious that took some reading!

 

And I won't even start to quote all the things I agreed with or disagreed with.

Hellen, yes to so many of the questions you asked. I am ashamed to admit I was an OW. But the man is just as much to blame. I don't have any regrets now because I am out the other side and in a great relationship with the man of my dreams.(NOT the MM!! another, wonderful, available man).. and my time as an OW has made me appreciate how great he is even more. And I will be faithful to him 100%.

 

Sb129's Shortish Story about Being the OW

 

1) I was in a terribly needy state of low self esteem following a breakup

2) He was too weak and gutless to come clean with his W, altho he did move out and tell her a year into our A.

3) He lied to everyone around him including himself

4) I was an idiot and fell for it all

5) I compared myself to his W and convinced myself i was better for him (actually, now I have alot of respect for her- she is a strong lady who in another life I could have been friends with)

6) HE had lots and lots of issues and dumped them all on me, convincing me I was the one with the problems.

7) He brought me lower and lower until I was depressed, but still clinging to a destructive relationship because of the thrill of the illicitness etc.

8) When I started to see the light HE tried to convince me that I needed him to be a normal, fulfilled human being. What the???

9) When i started to see the light, I decided enough was enough, and broke up with him, then HE became nasty and vindictive.

 

His ex W and I are better off without him in our lives. We agree on that.

 

I will NEVER EVER EVER go near a MM again. Ones that have As have baggage and issues that are exhausting. If they are that unhappy in a marriage, they should leave before they embark on an affair.

My experience thrust me into the grownup world. I have realised so many things, and become a stronger person. I deserve more than to be someones second choice.

I am sorry I had to learn that the hard way, but there you go.

 

Hellen I wish you all the best. OW do come in all guises, as the others have said. Your one sounds a little unhinged.

I am really glad you and your H have worked things out.

[frannie]

When you separate intellect from emotion, you already know that someday you're going to have to deal with the fact that this man does NOT step up to the plate and problem-solve effectively.

 

All in all, there's nothing you'll say to change my stance, and nothing I'll say to change yours. But believe me, I'm not so far up on my own high horse that I wouldn't bother to give you a head's-up if I see you 'hell-bent-for-leather' running toward a brick wall.

 

Please have a care for yourself. If you're determined to proceed.. do it with your eyes wide open. Half the battle is knowing what to expect.

 

Now how would you know how my MM problem-solves..? Apart from his having an affair you know nothing about him.

 

I'm not here to have my relationship analysed or for any kind of help. I'm fine with it, very happy, and I know I'll make the right decisions for me whatever happens.

 

Of course I'm 'determined to proceed'. It's been three years of off and on, working through everything, and he's about to organise separation. Would be an odd time to decide I wasn't interested all of a sudden

[pricillia]

I think that every woman reaches a point in the relationship that she says it is enough dammit!!!

 

MY MM for instance or I should not say mine because he is not mine...

 

Is very jealous to a fault... I know that he is lying to me about several things, and who knows what else???

 

I am beginning to question the things he says, does he love me or not?

 

He told me yesterday that he wants me to be happy, I told him that I was hurt by the way he acted the other day and that he better start acting differently, he said that sometimes I make him so mad...and that he has been frustrated lately because he has not been able to be with me and that it is getting the best of him. He then told me he loved me and actually listened to what I had to say and talked alot as well. but still....

 

Today I feel that he is a liar and I am going to relish the fact that I believe this to be true! I still Love him but do things change if a man that you love just makes you upset just one too many times?

 

So true infact that my feelings may shift, to the left so to speak...

 

I think I am tired of all the drama, you know one of my New Years Resolutions was to cut out the drama, unless it is entertainment driven then it's alright.