pricillia Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I'm laughing again...if you knew my husband you'd NEVER say that! Nope, not gonna happen. Don't forget to tell me that I can never be too sure. Anyway, this isn't about me now is it. Perhaps we should get back on topic? Really did I say that I was referring to you I said that any happily married woman could find herself as a BS... I thought that we are on topic this is just another side of it
Touche Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Really did I say that I was referring to you I said that any happily married woman could find herself as a BS... I thought that we are on topic this is just another side of it Ok, then maybe I'm dense because I don't understand the point of your statement. It's a non-sequitir unless I'm missing something here. What are you trying to say?
pricillia Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Ok, then maybe I'm dense because I don't understand the point of your statement. It's a non-sequitir unless I'm missing something here. What are you trying to say? I am trying to say that like you I never thought that I would be in a situation like this, I looked down upon women who were with anothers, but now I am on the other side of it... Who knew that even though I made a less popular choice by LOVING someone that I would still be human! No Touche because of your great morals and good choices maybe this will not happen to you as i wish it not to, but like myself many other women that have come here they did not look for this to happen. They fell in love with a Married man (bold) Some the situations turn out for the better and some turn out to be a disaster. If I read correctly you were 18 and the man that you are with now was 28 some people may not agree with that choice.... but look you are happy. and this is not a personal attact but some people may judge the age difference. I am just saying that you keep on saying that you do not understand why when a woman finds out that he is Married that they don't run the other way. For me it was because I had feelings for him, that developed before I knew he was married. Can some of the other other women answer that question as well why do we stay with MM... Is it because we are afraid of commitment Is it because we are in love with them Are we victims Are we stupid.... seriously I would like some perspective, soul searching..
sadbuttrue Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 pricillia, i am staying with MM because i love him. i do feel that i am crazy sometimes because i have somehow let this happen. i do not feel like a victim. i feel like his W is the victim
Touche Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Pricillia, I didn't know your story. Wow, that's the worst. I feel for you, I do. My comments refer to those who knew right from the outset that these guys were married...when it's easier to run when you haven't developed feelings for them yet. But so many choose to NOT run. Women in your situation were duped. Those types of MM are even WORSE than the other cheating ones..the ones who at least don't lie up front. But you do still have a choice to leave this guy. As for me, no..I've had a few b/f's since that first one when I was 18. That only lasted a year. And no one judged me because I was with an older guy. We were both adults. (My husband is 7 years older than me as I've mentioned..so yeah, not the same guy.) I thought your questions at the end were deep and probing ones. I sure would like to know why a woman would CHOOSE to stay with a man who is a cheater and who lied about their marital status. I'd drop a guy like that so fast that it would make his head spin!
Touche Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 pricillia, i am staying with MM because i love him. i do feel that i am crazy sometimes because i have somehow let this happen. i do not feel like a victim. i feel like his W is the victim Don't you see that you're BOTH victims? He's playing you both. Don't you feel cheated?
pricillia Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 well T, I am wrestling with those questions myself... And yes my head is spinng!!! Please read my reply to you on the other post... Thanks!!!!
sadbuttrue Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Don't you see that you're BOTH victims? He's playing you both. Don't you feel cheated? i really dont feel like the victim. i know exactly what is going on, he is very clear with me about not leaving his family. yes i wish deep down that we could be together, and i guess in this way i may feel a little cheated, but i feel like i have the advantage of at least knowing what is happening. his W has no idea that her H is spending so much time with me. i guess i dont see that he is "playing" me since i am a willing participant in his game, she (W) is not.
pricillia Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Don't you see that you're BOTH victims? He's playing you both. Don't you feel cheated? As much as we love our MM we should know that they do lie to both Wife and OW
Touche Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 As much as we love our MM we should know that they do lie to both Wife and OW I know. I understand what you're saying. It's just hard for some of us to understand HOW you can love a man who lies to you. And Sad, I see what you're saying. I don't know though..I'd still feel like a victim if I were with a man who said he loved me but was home at night sleeping in the same bed with another woman..namely his wife.
pricillia Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Loving a man that lies to us does not make sense does it??? Peace out all hope you all have a great night going home to read Wicked... Peace
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 pricillia, i am staying with MM because i love him. i do feel that i am crazy sometimes because i have somehow let this happen. i do not feel like a victim. i feel like his W is the victim You may see his wife as a victim, but it's because she isn't aware of YOU and the fact her husband are together behind her back. Sadly though, you are a willing victim in this and yes, his wife is one too, but unknowingly.....You may not feel like one, but the MM has got you IN a position where you are one..
sadbuttrue Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I know. I understand what you're saying. It's just hard for some of us to understand HOW you can love a man who lies to you. And Sad, I see what you're saying. I don't know though..I'd still feel like a victim if I were with a man who said he loved me but was home at night sleeping in the same bed with another woman..namely his wife. touche, it is hard for me to imagine him at home in bed with his wife, i have to try not to think of him with her, i saw them together once at a store, and it made me physically ill. i saw the man that i love with another woman, and knew that i had no real claim on him. i am in a relationship where i know he is sleeping with another woman and i have to accept that. i guess i just dont see me as a victim, when i am aware of the situation, although yes it hurts tremendously. i feel like it is more my fault that i feel this way then his though. like everyone says, i could always choose to end this. i just wont because i love him, and that is my own stupidity.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 i am in a relationship where i know he is sleeping with another woman and i have to accept that. But you DO NOT have to accept that. It hurts you, yes? Fact is, he IS married and he DOES have sex with his wife. He may downplay it for you, to spare your feelings but the main issue is HE isn't and hasn't left his wife for you. I wish you COULD get strong enough and end it. I know you love him, but you deserve better and MORE than being the OW in his life. I hope someday you realize it's pointless, and you're only hurting yourself more and more by staying with him...One day you won't wanna be doing this anymore.
sadbuttrue Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 But you DO NOT have to accept that. It hurts you, yes? Fact is, he IS married and he DOES have sex with his wife. He may downplay it for you, to spare your feelings but the main issue is HE isn't and hasn't left his wife for you. I wish you COULD get strong enough and end it. I know you love him, but you deserve better and MORE than being the OW in his life. I hope someday you realize it's pointless, and you're only hurting yourself more and more by staying with him...One day you won't wanna be doing this anymore. wwiu, i wish i could get there, the sooner the better. i know i am hurting myself, not to even mention the pain that his W and his whole family will face. i have no doubt that he does have sex with his wife. and if i want to be with him, which i am sad to say i really do, then i have to accept this situation. like someone else had said earlier, your head tells you one thing and your heart another, it is hard to make the right decision when you are pulled in such two opposite directions.
Touche Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 touche, it is hard for me to imagine him at home in bed with his wife, i have to try not to think of him with her, i saw them together once at a store, and it made me physically ill. i saw the man that i love with another woman, and knew that i had no real claim on him. i am in a relationship where i know he is sleeping with another woman and i have to accept that. i guess i just dont see me as a victim, when i am aware of the situation, although yes it hurts tremendously. i feel like it is more my fault that i feel this way then his though. like everyone says, i could always choose to end this. i just wont because i love him, and that is my own stupidity. Aww..sad, that really IS sad. How do you stand it? Don't be one of those women who stay with a MM for years on end. You deserve to have your OWN guy. One who will be there when you wake up in the morning. And you're not stupid. You're in love. You're a human being with a heart. But you're in love with the wrong man. You really are. I hope you find the strength one day to end it and make yourself free to be loved wholly and completely by a man who wants to only be with YOU.
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I just wish you could see that you're settling for scraps..Even if you DO love him. You're settling to be his OW. And you deserve better than that.
sadbuttrue Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Aww..sad, that really IS sad. How do you stand it? Don't be one of those women who stay with a MM for years on end. You deserve to have your OWN guy. One who will be there when you wake up in the morning. And you're not stupid. You're in love. You're a human being with a heart. But you're in love with the wrong man. You really are. I hope you find the strength one day to end it and make yourself free to be loved wholly and completely with a man who wants to only be with YOU. touche, thank you so much for understanding. i wont be with him for years like this. to keep my sanity it will have to end one way or the other soon. i would love to have my own guy as you put it that would be wonderful, but right now all i can think about is MM and my love for him. i know he is wrong for me, i just wish my heart would get the message
sadbuttrue Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I just wish you could see that you're settling for scraps..Even if you DO love him. You're settling to be his OW. And you deserve better than that. wwiu, i do see that i am not getting what i deserve. i hate that i am his OW. she is the one he plans to spend the rest of his life with, not me. i hate that i am not the one he comes home to. i hate that i am not the one he sleeps with every night. i hate that i am not the one he is raising his kids with. i hate that i am not the one that has his name. i hate that i am NOT THE ONE. and yet i love him still
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 wwiu, i do see that i am not getting what i deserve. i hate that i am his OW. she is the one he plans to spend the rest of his life with, not me. i hate that i am not the one he comes home to. i hate that i am not the one he sleeps with every night. i hate that i am not the one he is raising his kids with. i hate that i am not the one that has his name. i hate that i am NOT THE ONE. and yet i love him still Then because of this you MUST make yourself detach from him. MAKE your heart close off to him. Seek therapy to help you do this, I'm not kidding. You say you'll end it, but chances are you won't..The longer you're with him, the more you're attached and inlove you are with him. You two have met at the wrong time in life. Try thinking of it like that. Or, he isn't yours to love that way. He wasn't yours first... You have to TRY to make yourself feel less for him. If you want to, there is a way...
frannie Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 That's so sad that you don't know that some of us really have never been cheated on. I'll repeat...not everyone is cheated on and not everyone cheats. I guess I was good at picking men who didn't cheat. Oh and I'm not so wrapped up in my world that I wouldn't have noticed a man cheating on me! And sorry but there's a thing called free will. I chose to never date a married man..no matter how appealing I thought he was. So, no...it never could have happened when I least expected it! That's kind of funny to me, really. This is a couple of pages back now, so you've probably all moved on, but: I just wanted to say that I'm pretty sure I haven't been cheated on either. Although perhaps my very first boyfriend in school (we were both 18) wasn't entirely into me so I don't know about him, but I dumped him after 8 months. I think it's entirely possible to find men who really want relationships to work, and to give that relationship enough effort oneself so that the man doesn't wander off and have time and inclination to 'do his own thing'. (or as Touche put it, not be so wrapped up in yourself you don't notice he's having an affair). I know I'm involved with someone who is cheating on his wife. But I'm not really concerned that 'he's a cheater and he'll do it to me too!'. For me, it's not about who has and who doesn't have 'morals' - I don't make it about that. Whether you cheat or not (or whether you're cheated on or not) comes down to the quality of the relationship you have. There simply is not time or energy or will to look outside if everything's right at home. Well, that's true for most people - there are the 'cheating types' who just need that extra buzz from wherever, but as Touche says, that's down to choosing the right partner to begin with. Choosing the right person, and putting enough effort into the relationship. After all, people can LIE about their morals, can't they..? Who goes around bragging that they think cheating is a great plan? And... it's amazing the number of people on this board who have said, 'I'd never do that!' and find themseves doing exactly that? Never say never...
frannie Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Now after reading many threads and what I have experienced in my own situation, have a much better understanding....in most cases, and there are exceptions, all parties involved are not above reproach....but may I ask why the OW seems to get the brunt of the entire circumstance? Why do some BW's act as if they are so above the OW? As if the OW is some low life or something....let's not forget who is in the middle and who is actually doing the lying here....nobody is above anyone else, we are all people....we all fall short.... Because accepting those things requires pointing the finger at yourself, and the man who has cheated on you, examining your own shortcomings and how you contributed to the situation. So much easier to find a scapegoat, throw everything at her, and run off into the sunset together. That's just human nature.
frannie Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Can some of the other other women answer that question as well why do we stay with MM... Is it because we are afraid of commitment Is it because we are in love with them Are we victims Are we stupid.... seriously I would like some perspective, soul searching.. pricillia I think this would make a great new thread. So often on this board we OW end up talking about our situations in the middle of someone's thread, or responding to questions from BSs (and on the backfoot, defending 'morals' etc.). Anyway, to answer this question here: I am with MM because I know that he wants to leave, probably will leave, and we have potential for a great relationship. If I thought it was going to be an affair forever... well I'd end it. Or reduce it to a friendship over a period of time, and get on with my life. I'd hate to think he was completely out of my life forever, but I'm not prepared to accept it as an affair. We've been working towards being together in one way or another since we met.
frannie Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Pricillia, I didn't know your story. Wow, that's the worst. I feel for you, I do. My comments refer to those who knew right from the outset that these guys were married...when it's easier to run when you haven't developed feelings for them yet. But so many choose to NOT run. Well I'll respond to this one too. As I said earlier in the thread, OW have turned down just as many married men as any other woman, if not MORE! It's not like they/we/I don't say... hey, you're married, take a hike! I've said that more times than I can remember. It's not overlooked. Married men aren't 'ok' open season, fair game... not to my mind. So, when the 'OW have no morals' question comes up, it's just not so. Believe that or not. OW chose not to run ONCE. I'll speak for myself now as to why that was. It was special. He is special (to me), and how we interacted was special. I cried like hell when he told me he was married (the day after we first met: there was no opportunity the first meeting), and why..? Because I realised it was a BAD situation. So why didn't I RUN? Because of what I felt, what I thought, how we were... I kept talking to him. And talking led to understanding, friendship, and very quickly he was talking about leaving his wife (not 'for me' but just because he was over with it). We talked a lot about his marriage and I tried to suggest ways he could work on it, but he wasn't interested. I felt that he was close to just walking out right then... he was SO unhappy, so resentful about the way things were and what his life had become. But rather than that happening, he decided that I was right in many ways... he broke things off with me entirely, and decided to keep his head down, get on with life, and stay with his W for the sake of his children. At that point everything was still PA. (the story goes on... but it's not really relevant here because by this time I was on my way to being in love with him) This is how it can happen. Now you may have walked, or run, away well before any of that happened. And had it been just about anyone else in the World so would I. The point I'm trying, probably unsuccessfully, to make is that sometimes *sometimes*, something else than 'morals' comes into play. I am not morally bankrupt. You (or whoever) may choose to judge me that way based on one act or decision on my part, but that doesn't make you right and me wrong. It just means I've been through something you haven't, and made a choice that you THINK you wouldn't make. I never thought I would get involved with someone married. I always looked down on men who would even THINK that I would do that! I've always, in fact, been incredibly judgmental (and I consider myself pretty non-judgmental on the whole) of men who had affairs, and the women who were involved with them (AND the wives who took them back, to be honest). But hey ho... life throws you something you weren't expecting and your moral high horse collapses underneath you. How does it go now: never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
frannie Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I know. I understand what you're saying. It's just hard for some of us to understand HOW you can love a man who lies to you. And Sad, I see what you're saying. I don't know though..I'd still feel like a victim if I were with a man who said he loved me but was home at night sleeping in the same bed with another woman..namely his wife. I know it's been said time and again, but the same question can be asked of a BS who finds out that her H has been cheating on her, and sleeping with another woman. The feelings are probably very similar - you love the man. Well personally, I don't think I could stay with someone who had lied to me about where he was and what he was doing like that, but I guess I should apply my own rules and say 'never say never'. I probably could if I thought I'd contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, accepted my part in it, and thought that it wasn't entirely down to him being a piece of lowlife who didn't care a fig for me. Then I suppose that comes back to why the OW gets the blame: a BS who can't accept her part in the affair, or her husband's overlooking of her best interests, is naturally going to use the OW as scapegoat.
Recommended Posts