Looking Within - a serious ? for OW's

[Romeo Must Die]

Nightstarr, I think your posts are argumentative at best, so I'm just going to refrain from debating with you here. The turn around game doesn't work with me. You haven't changed my opinion of what you're all about. The more you post and the more you argue, is proof enough of what I believe to be true about your personality and character. Good luck with your unhappy MM. You're going to need it. Lots of it.

 

[HellenBack]

SB129,

Glad to know that you saw the light and realized how damaging affairs are to all involved. Even the 3% that actually leave their spouse for the OP have many problems. It's quite clear when you read the forums. There's trust issues, insecurity, a relationship that was founded and based on lies and deception.

 

My marriage was never broken, this my FWH will admit to as well. It was him that was broken, his own self image that was a huge train wreck looking for a place to happen...and he found the location with the OW, a train wreck as well. I truly believe in the end of all this, that the FWH and OW suffered more than I did. It was his guilt, remorse and knowledge of what he did that he has to live with, it's his wrongs that needed to be corrected, and his own self that needs to be fixed, not mine. As for the OW, she still thinks she was entitled to my husb...why? I don't know.

 

When I met her after d-day, she said "but I love him", like that means, okay, I will throw 25 yrs of marriage away and hand him over to her. First of all, he isn't a possession of mine. He was my mate, my lover, my best friend, my investment partner, the father of my children. If he wanted her and really loved her, he could have left for her. I told him straight out, fair and square that I didn't want a man that didn't want to be with me. He was free to leave, not trouble, no fighting, instead of going, he begged me to forgive him. So why does our OW want a man that doesn't want her? This I guess I will never know.

 

For you, good luck, glad you are moving forward. You deserve to be loved openly and honestly in every way.

[Motor35]

I feel terrible about it all! Terrible for his girlfriend, terrible I got myself into this. And terrible I cannot be with him. It is killing me and she doesn't even know. I am weak and I love him. I feel like I can't stop.

[noforgiveness]

I feel terrible about it all! Terrible for his girlfriend, terrible I got myself into this. And terrible I cannot be with him. It is killing me and she doesn't even know. I am weak and I love him. I feel like I can't stop.

you said girlfriend? He has a girlfriend not a wife. So what if he wants you then he breaks up with her. What's the big deal? Why settle for sneaking around with him if it's only a girlfriend? Why would you even want to be with a man that's too weak to break up with a girlfriend. I mean how hard can that be? They're not married.

[Catharsis]

SB129,

Glad to know that you saw the light and realized how damaging affairs are to all involved. Even the 3% that actually leave their spouse for the OP have many problems. It's quite clear when you read the forums. There's trust issues, insecurity, a relationship that was founded and based on lies and deception.

 

My marriage was never broken, this my FWH will admit to as well. It was him that was broken, his own self image that was a huge train wreck looking for a place to happen...and he found the location with the OW, a train wreck as well. I truly believe in the end of all this, that the FWH and OW suffered more than I did. It was his guilt, remorse and knowledge of what he did that he has to live with, it's his wrongs that needed to be corrected, and his own self that needs to be fixed, not mine. As for the OW, she still thinks she was entitled to my husb...why? I don't know.

 

When I met her after d-day, she said "but I love him", like that means, okay, I will throw 25 yrs of marriage away and hand him over to her. First of all, he isn't a possession of mine. He was my mate, my lover, my best friend, my investment partner, the father of my children. If he wanted her and really loved her, he could have left for her. I told him straight out, fair and square that I didn't want a man that didn't want to be with me. He was free to leave, not trouble, no fighting, instead of going, he begged me to forgive him. So why does our OW want a man that doesn't want her? This I guess I will never know.

 

For you, good luck, glad you are moving forward. You deserve to be loved openly and honestly in every way.

 

Given all that, why then did your H find it necessary/couldn't resist having sex with another woman on a regular basis, if the marriage is supposedly just peachy and all? BTW, my exMM's W believes the same about her H (best friend, mate, lover, etc.) yet unbeknownst to her he has cheated and continues to cheat on her with a large number of girls half her age. With a "lover/best friend/soulmate" like this, who needs enemies? At least the OW can just dump the dude once they are tired of him and his games, but the W somehow sticks to "her" man.

 

Honestly, I think that some men just want a W for a certain purpose (take care of the house, bear and raise kids, etc.), and OW for romance, excitement, sexual fullfilment. A man like that, in my opinion, doesn't love anybody but himself, but naturally he knows just what to say to keep the W and the OW around for as long as possible.

 

As long as the "good W" continues to take back a scumbag like that and as long as he finds women willing to play the game with him, nothing is ever going to change.

[sb129]

Nightstarr, can i ask you a question (actually it ended up being a few questions) without any hostility please?

I am not judging you, I have been in a similar position to you, and I only want to help. I know how crap it can be. You are so defensive of your situation, when really it isn't that different to alot of the others.

 

How come your MM is still with his W if she knows about your relationship? I am confused, because in other posts you say she doesn't know, then you say she must be stupid if she doesn't. then you say he is going to come clean when the divorce is final.

Does she know for a fact her H has been cheating on her for the last three years?

Alot of your posts on this thread are contradicting themselves. Some of this is speculation, so forgive me, and I am fully expecting a lynching from you because of it.

 

You admit that you know how traumatizing divorce is, then you backtrack and say your parents didn't divorce till you were in college, suggesting it didn't affect you so much, but then you say HIS kids are still teenagers, and your posts relating to yourself and your parents divorce would suggest that you would have found it more traumatizing if you were still living with your parents when they split up.

And if your MM isn't leaving his wife for you, how come he didn't leave already? WHY is he leaving her then- he has been living with her for three years for convenience, why disrupt that?

You say YOU have deceived noone, YOU have lied to noone. But you have aided and abetted your MM lying to his wife and kids... do you not feel any partial responsibility?

 

Have you considered that the reason your MM is going to come clean when the divorce is final is that if adultery is filed as reason for divorce, your MM's W may be able to take him to the cleaners financially?

 

Thats why exMM lied about me (the rat). And he got off very very lightly in the end. Others aren't so lucky.

 

Please think about some of the stuff you are saying. you are copping a fair deal of flak because to be honest your posts sound like you are viewing your A thru rosetinted spectacles, and you are 'different' from all the OW on here. You aren't sweetie. But you will get much more support on here if you are a little less......?arrogant shall we say.. about your A.

 

At the end of the day, the facts are- he is married, you aren't his wife, he still lives with his wife and kids. Its an extramarital affair. However you dress it up.

[HellenBack]

Given all that, why then did your H find it necessary/couldn't resist having sex with another woman on a regular basis, if the marriage is supposedly just peachy and all? BTW, my exMM's W believes the same about her H (best friend, mate, lover, etc.) yet unbeknownst to her he has cheated and continues to cheat on her with a large number of girls half her age. With a "lover/best friend/soulmate" like this, who needs enemies? At least the OW can just dump the dude once they are tired of him and his games, but the W somehow sticks to "her" man.

 

Honestly, I think that some men just want a W for a certain purpose (take care of the house, bear and raise kids, etc.), and OW for romance, excitement, sexual fullfilment. A man like that, in my opinion, doesn't love anybody but himself, but naturally he knows just what to say to keep the W and the OW around for as long as possible.

 

As long as the "good W" continues to take back a scumbag like that and as long as he finds women willing to play the game with him, nothing is ever going to change.

 

Ya know, I don't think you get it, it's not about me, it's not about the OW, or about the marriage...it's about "him" and his broken inner self. I truly believe that when an emotionally healthy person questions their own self, looks within and is feeling unhappy, or something is missing and unfulfilled, I do believe a healthy man/woman finds happiness and fulfillment in a healthy way, gratification in things that are healthy, like sports, hobbies, the right choices that bring positive results. On the other hand, I beleive that when an emotionally unhealthy person has those same feelings of unfulfillment, questions about self image, and any unhappiness they might feel, I believe that they choose things that bring them instant gratification, and they choose destructive alternatives, like gambling, drugs, alcohol, affairs. They are unable to make healthy choices that means working and facing their own image. They run from reality and choose the easiest path to find happiness.

 

I do believe that you will find that people that engage in self destructive behavior often have troubles and issues from the past, just like most people, the difference is that they are not emotionally capable to recognize the issues and deal with them in a healthy way. I completely do not believe that a healthy, mature, emotionally fulfilled person has an affair(s). I don't beleive that a man choose to have an affair because the OW is more fun, cuter, smarter, sexier...if that was true, my fws certainly wouldn't have chosen the OW he was with. She was 9 yrs older, out of shape, bad teeth, uneducated and complained a lot. My FWS admits that she was "no beauty queen". that she was emotionally needy and had a history of failed relationships.

 

My husband is the first to admit that the felt unhappy and didn't know why. He is the first to admit that I did nothing wrong as a wife, a mother and partner. He said he thought allowing the affair would make him happy, he said he found out immediately it did not bring happiness and that he had some real issues within himself, he just didn't know how to sort them out and couldn't face himself or discuss this with anyone. He certainly didn't want me to know how screwed up he was, not when I only saw him as the biggest man in my life. He wanted that image to remain with me. The OW didn't see his broken self either, she only thought she was the greatest thing in his life. He lied to everyone including himself so he didn't have to face that broken mirror.

 

After much therapy for myself and for him, both in group and individual, this is pretty much the same story we have heard from countless FWS. It was ego stroking, passive/aggressive behaviors and the inability to recognize their own broken self image. It's the wayward spouse that doesn't recognize this or deal with the issues that will continue to have affairs or have behaviors that are self destructive.

 

The affair is not the problem, just a symptom of the problem. If one doesn't address the real problems, it continues...just like your MM. I can bet that he has some unresolved issues in his past. I can also bet the farm that my husb won't choose that path of self destruction again.

 

I also believe wholeheartedly, that woman and men view sex differently, entirely differently. After much group therapy and discussion, I can see that men view sex as part of the ego, and woman view it as emotional. That's why its so often written here that after d-day, the MM throws the OW under the bus and the OW is asking questions like "how could he do this" "didn't I mean anything to him" "he said he loved me and yet he never called me again".

 

If you love someone, you move heaven and earth to be with them, you don't keep them a secret. The affair is based and built on lies and deception, what part of that says "love"? A MM can say "I LOVE YOU" a million times to Sunday and I am leaving my wife, but if he not making any changes to include you in his real life, then actions are speaking louder than words. I truly don't believe that when a MM says he can't leave now because of the kids, the finances, the investments, the sick wife, the sick dog or the plumber, his mother inlaw that he is telling the OW the truth. He isn't leaving because quite simply, he doesn't want to. How many MM have a d-day and are kicked to the curb only to beg to come home? Or how many MM are given the opportunity on d-day to leave and go to the OW, but refuse? I know lots of them. More have begged to stay married than left the wife for the OW. How many times have we read on forums that there was a d-day and the OW never heard from the MM again? Lots.

 

As for the wife taking back the scumbag over and over. I don't think too many actually do it time after time. Most have a one time dealbreaker policy and if they don't, then shame on them for allowing a man to emotionally abuse them. Shame on the MM for abusing his wife and family and shame on him for not seeking help with his issues that cause him to cheat. As for the wife "sticking to her man", realize the history they have established, what they have accomplished in marriage, children, a home, investments, and truly, there's love or neither of them would be there.

 

As for the OW and participating in an affair, I do believe you have issues as well, just like the MM. While you might not have made vows with his wife, like he did. You do own the hurt and destruction of another person. Where's the human part of you? All I can say is that I hope, and I truly mean it, that you don't fall in love with the light of your life, and have another woman barge in on your life. I hope nobody ever cheats on you and hurts you as deeply as you are hurting your MM's wife. I hope no woman ever turns your life upside down, shakes the very earth you are standing upon, for her own selfish needs.

 

I am sure I won't change your mind, so keep doing what you are doing, be proud, hold your head up high and hope that one day the wife doesn't catch you and beat you silly.

[sb129]

If you love someone, you move heaven and earth to be with them, you don't keep them a secret. The affair is based and built on lies and deception, what part of that says "love"? A MM can say "I LOVE YOU" a million times to Sunday and I am leaving my wife, but if he not making any changes to include you in his real life, then actions are speaking louder than words. I truly don't believe that when a MM says he can't leave now because of the kids, the finances, the investments, the sick wife, the sick dog or the plumber, his mother inlaw that he is telling the OW the truth. He isn't leaving because quite simply, he doesn't want to. .

 

As for the OW and participating in an affair, I do believe you have issues as well, just like the MM. While you might not have made vows with his wife, like he did. You do own the hurt and destruction of another person. Where's the human part of you? All I can say is that I hope, and I truly mean it, that you don't fall in love with the light of your life, and have another woman barge in on your life. I hope nobody ever cheats on you and hurts you as deeply as you are hurting your MM's wife. I hope no woman ever turns your life upside down, shakes the very earth you are standing upon, for her own selfish needs.

 

I am sure I won't change your mind, so keep doing what you are doing, be proud, hold your head up high and hope that one day the wife doesn't catch you and beat you silly.

 

I love it. Hellen- brilliant post. Loveshack Gold for sure.

[Motor35]

you said girlfriend? He has a girlfriend not a wife. So what if he wants you then he breaks up with her. What's the big deal? Why settle for sneaking around with him if it's only a girlfriend? Why would you even want to be with a man that's too weak to break up with a girlfriend. I mean how hard can that be? They're not married.

 

He works with her. She is a manager at the Nightclub he works at and she is also his boss' niece. He says she will make his life miserable at work if he splits with her. He says she leaves in March for the military and they are done when she ships out. He has also told me that that was their understanding when they started seeing each other (that it was completely over come March).

I know, it is terrible. I know I probably sound like an awful person.

[HellenBack]

Sb129,

 

Thanks for the nice comments to my post.....

 

I have been around the block a time or two...and I am just sayin' like it is, whether the OW likes it or not...I really don't care... Ya think the OW cared about my feelings when she decided to get on her knees at the office and show her suck power? Hell no she didn't care about me, my kids, or my marriage and at that moment, neither did my husband.

 

After 24 months, I am able to take him out of the deception equation, he's walking the line, doing what he needs to do and doin' great..I know for a fact he is paying his dues for decision to "run and hide" from himself...it's the OW"s I have a problem with the smugness, the "I don't care who gets hurt" attitude. It's time to look within , face it and fix the broken mirror.

 

How effing sad to want another woman's husband, completely pathetic.

[Catharsis]

Just to clear things up, HellenBack, I never had an actual affair with MM. If you read me story you'd know that he was my college sweetheart who confessed his undying love to me back then and repeatedly told me that the woman he eventually married after we broke up meant nothing to him.

 

All I wanted from him a decade plus later was closure and an explanation for his radical behavior back then. Only when I snooped and read his e-mails to countless other women while at the same time telling his W that she was "the only one for him" etc., did I realize that was never what I thought he was. He did want to have sex with me when we met after having been in touch by e-mail for quite a while, but I did NOT give in to him. During our meeting he went on to tell me what a "big mistake" it was to marry his W, taht he had just been young and stupid, that their sexlife was dead, etc. Of course, reading the correspondence between him and his W (as well as his other women) revealed that all that was not true. He lies to his W about "being true to her" and to the other women making his W out to be this boring sexless dull person taht he shouldn't have married.

 

That's what comes to mind when I hear betrayed Ws making excuses for their Hs behavior and blaming the OW. Someone who truly loves someone would NEVER risk losing that person by serial cheating on them - nor would they even have the desire to seek out someone else.

[HellenBack]

Just to clear things up, HellenBack, I never had an actual affair with MM. If you read me story you'd know that he was my college sweetheart who confessed his undying love to me back then and repeatedly told me that the woman he eventually married after we broke up meant nothing to him.

 

All I wanted from him a decade plus later was closure and an explanation for his radical behavior back then. Only when I snooped and read his e-mails to countless other women while at the same time telling his W that she was "the only one for him" etc., did I realize that was never what I thought he was. He did want to have sex with me when we met after having been in touch by e-mail for quite a while, but I did NOT give in to him. During our meeting he went on to tell me what a "big mistake" it was to marry his W, taht he had just been young and stupid, that their sexlife was dead, etc. Of course, reading the correspondence between him and his W (as well as his other women) revealed that all that was not true. He lies to his W about "being true to her" and to the other women making his W out to be this boring sexless dull person taht he shouldn't have married.

 

That's what comes to mind when I hear betrayed Ws making excuses for their Hs behavior and blaming the OW. Someone who truly loves someone would NEVER risk losing that person by serial cheating on them - nor would they even have the desire to seek out someone else.

 

I totally disagree with this statement. First, I am not making excuses for my husband, nor have I read any statements here that BS are making excuses for their WS either. No excuses for my WS, reasons that I now understand, as well as he understands. As I posted before, the affair was only a symptom of the true issues in his life, his broken self image and a need for instant gratification..those are not excuses, those are reasons. When a person is emotionally unhealthy, they make wrong decisions, just as people that are emotionally healthy make good choices. I don't honestly believe that any man that has an affair is emotionally healthy.

When a man starts an affairs, allows it, continues it, does he ever really thinks he will get caught? Of course not, that's why he risked it. Did he do it because he didn't love me, his family or his homelife? No, not no, but hell no,..he did it because he didn't like himself, love himself or see himself as a worthy intelligent man.

 

I didn't read your story, however, if you are an OW and involved, then to me, your story is exactly the same as all OW's here. Pathetic and shameful to sleep with another woman's husband, want another womans husband or be involved with a married man. I am not blaming just the OW's...the MM are just as at fault. Difference is, that I see remorseful, sorry WS, working hard to fix their wrongs, understand their failures and going forward. I see the OW's wondering why their lives are a mess, alone and crying, being lied to, plotting against the BS, supporting each other to believe that what you are doing is right. In my opinion, and the opinion of 99.9% of the population, sleeping with someone elses spouse is wrong. It's black and white, not gray, or in between.

 

It's hard to have compassion and sympathy for an OW crying the blues, when this same OW had absolutely no compassion for herself, the BS, the families involved, the kids or the marriage. So if the MM is emotionally bankrupt to have an affair, the OW must be too.

 

When you walk the journey of cheating, lying, deception, conniving, you're looking for trouble hurt and heartache...the sad part is, the BS never asked to be in that position.

[sadbuttrue]

[/b]

 

I totally disagree with this statement. First, I am not making excuses for my husband, nor have I read any statements here that BS are making excuses for their WS either. No excuses for my WS, reasons that I now understand, as well as he understands. As I posted before, the affair was only a symptom of the true issues in his life, his broken self image and a need for instant gratification..those are not excuses, those are reasons. When a person is emotionally unhealthy, they make wrong decisions, just as people that are emotionally healthy make good choices. I don't honestly believe that any man that has an affair is emotionally healthy.

When a man starts an affairs, allows it, continues it, does he ever really thinks he will get caught? Of course not, that's why he risked it. Did he do it because he didn't love me, his family or his homelife? No, not no, but hell no,..he did it because he didn't like himself, love himself or see himself as a worthy intelligent man.

 

I didn't read your story, however, if you are an OW and involved, then to me, your story is exactly the same as all OW's here. Pathetic and shameful to sleep with another woman's husband, want another womans husband or be involved with a married man. I am not blaming just the OW's...the MM are just as at fault. Difference is, that I see remorseful, sorry WS, working hard to fix their wrongs, understand their failures and going forward. I see the OW's wondering why their lives are a mess, alone and crying, being lied to, plotting against the BS, supporting each other to believe that what you are doing is right. In my opinion, and the opinion of 99.9% of the population, sleeping with someone elses spouse is wrong. It's black and white, not gray, or in between.

 

It's hard to have compassion and sympathy for an OW crying the blues, when this same OW had absolutely no compassion for herself, the BS, the families involved, the kids or the marriage. So if the MM is emotionally bankrupt to have an affair, the OW must be too.

 

When you walk the journey of cheating, lying, deception, conniving, you're looking for trouble hurt and heartache...the sad part is, the BS never asked to be in that position.

 

hellen, it really seems that you do blame the OW for keeping your H cheating on you. i am sorry, but he had a choice, no matter how she threatened him, his choice was made to cheat on you.

 

as i have said before i do feel badly that what i am doing with MM will eventually cause pain for others. i do not deny this. i dont think either MM or i are emotionally bankrupt. there are so many emotions involved in A's. i do agree that the W did not ask for any of this. she is not to blame, this is incredibly unfair to her.

[GreenEyedLady]

[/b]I didn't read your story, however, if you are an OW and involved, then to me, your story is exactly the same as all OW's here. Pathetic and shameful to sleep with another woman's husband, want another womans husband or be involved with a married man. I am not blaming just the OW's...the MM are just as at fault. Difference is, that I see remorseful, sorry WS, working hard to fix their wrongs, understand their failures and going forward. I see the OW's wondering why their lives are a mess, alone and crying, being lied to, plotting against the BS, supporting each other to believe that what you are doing is right. In my opinion, and the opinion of 99.9% of the population, sleeping with someone elses spouse is wrong. It's black and white, not gray, or in between.

 

When you walk the journey of cheating, lying, deception, conniving, you're looking for trouble hurt and heartache...the sad part is, the BS never asked to be in that position.

 

You know HB, I think that many, if not most, of the OW here have been extremely respectful to you...and I can't say the same of you...

 

You say that you are not blaming OW's, but you are...none of us here are your H OW...We wouldn't act in the same manner as the one you are dealing with...We all realize that you are hurting...

 

You forgive your H because you feel that he is making amends...I would like to know what the OW could do for you to make you that feel that way...of course in your situation it will never happen because she has serious psychological issues...The point is there is NOTHING any OW can do...we are not part of your M and therefore are NOTHING to YOU...your beef is truly with your HUSBAND...HE put you and your family in harm's way with this woman...

 

You seem to really subscribe to my H was dragged kicking and screaming into tha A; although you try to word your posts that you are not excusing his behavior, you really are...

 

I think that if you were truly healed of the A and forgave your H, you wouldn't be here, telling a bunch of strangers what you think of them...we have done nothing to you, except try to help in what way we can...I hope that you eventually find peace...

[frannie]

Now that there's over 235 replies to this thread... I am going to reply as they come up.

 

Frannie, NOT once did I ever think or believe my husb was in "the fog"...but I do believe that once he crossed the line, allowed it to happen, and yes, she did pursue, and she does admit it, once the line was crossed and he allowed it to go on, that's when he knew he was way deeper than he ever imagined this would go. This is when control and manipulation started and I do believe many MM get caught up in the same fears as my husband lived with - As a single OW, she had absolutely nothing to lose, he on the other hand had everything to lose and she reminded him of this simple fact, almost daily.

 

Apologies; most of my responses on this thread were completely OT and not referring to your situation at all, so I just wanted to say sorry again for the thread/jack.

 

"Maybe there are some that have true love, and a real relationship that was meant for both of you to be together. What I have a problem with is the fact that the BS is getting hurt by all of this. If it's really true love, then do it the right way, let him get out of his marriage and then go forward. By doing it behind the BS back, it's the cowards way, and the rest of the world believes that as well."

 

Well, I agree.

[frannie]

My FWH also says that he sees the OW here that think their relationship is way more than it is. Some of you are convinced he does love you and won't be throwing you under that bus when the time comes, some of you actually believe it when he says "I love you", "you make me feel so great" "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you". I could go back and tell you which posters he thinks are the most clueless, but I guess there's no use in pointing those out, at least for me there isn't.

 

Well maybe not for you, but if your H has something on this subject that he wants to share, get him to sign up to LS and help a few people out. Nothing wrong with a few more opinions!

[frannie]

I won't change any OW's mind by coming here, I have gained some insight to how broken people think though and how sad it is to want something that's not yours to have. It's unbelievable to me that anyone could put their selfish needs before anyone else, including children. Not one thought about the BS or kids...how very sad.

 

No, you probably won't change any minds by coming here, but I thought your main reason for coming here was to gain some insight into OW.

 

Your final sentence here shows that you're only seeing what you want to see, in which case it seems to have been a waste of time people taking time to answer your initial questions.

 

Anyway, I hope you manage to sort out the mess your husband bought on your family. If you're going to have an A, better choose a more stable OW who won't go trying to destroy your life if you end it.

[frannie]

Being a child of divorce, I know secrets just make everything more chaotic. More hurt is bred. It takes longer for everyone to come to terms with what happened and there's more resentment to resolve.

 

In my situation, unless she's a complete idiot, she's going to suspect he's filing for divorce because of his relationship with me. His parents know, most of his friends have met me, his employees would have to have been blind and death not to know I exist, his kids know I exist, etc... Trying to pretend at this point would just tie up the divorce in court for years and have one person after another subpeonaed for depositions.

 

Even if no one knew about us, I'm sure his attorney would advise him to come clean since the evidence is there with cell phone records, credit cards, etc... Her attorney would be an idiot not to look into it since they live in a fault state.

 

I also would refuse to lie and make up a pretend history for us. My friends and family all know. Sooner or later, someone on my side would say something that doesn't mesh with the story someone on his side knows and it would be revealed. If we suddenly have a relationship after the divorce is final, no one is going to believe we just met, especially his wife. Lying to them doesn't help anyone heal from the divorce. Especially his kids and wife.

 

For both legal reasons and to help his family get on the path to healing, we plan to stop the lies now. Fortunately, I never lied to anyone, so I won't have to deal with people in my life who feel I've kept the truth from them. He'll have to do the best he can to heal the relationships he has with his kids.

 

I can't tell you what to do in your situation. Keeping the relationship hidden maybe the best option for you two. You'll probably know soon enough. If you find you're spending most of your time adding more lies on top lies, then you might as well come clean. No one can begin the healing process when they're too busy guarding the lies.

 

I have told a few trusted friends about MM, but none of my family members know anything about him. But I have a very small family, so there has been no lying. I've deliberately chosen that route because of what you say: having to tell different things to different people, and the chance that the stories will not match up. It's been one of the hardest things of the affair, not telling everyone and introducing him.

 

We're having a lot of discussions about this this week as he's down here with me and plans to tell her next week or the week after. I am still in two minds about whether it's best just to come clean about the affair, but having read about BSs going wild if they find out about an affair, I'm really not sure what's for the best.

 

The plan, such as it is, is for him to get a place of his own and live there for a year before I'm introduced to anyone. That way everything will be in the past and there shouldn't be too much trouble with it looking like we knew each other for a long time. It's all such a mess because I hate lying and I'm just no good at it. In all probability it will all come out in the end anyway, and I especially don't want his children suspecting something and him/me denying it. I'd rather they thought badly of me but the truth was out there, to be honest.

[frannie]

 

My marriage was never broken, this my FWH will admit to as well. It was him that was broken, his own self image that was a huge train wreck looking for a place to happen...and he found the location with the OW, a train wreck as well. I truly believe in the end of all this, that the FWH and OW suffered more than I did. It was his guilt, remorse and knowledge of what he did that he has to live with, it's his wrongs that needed to be corrected, and his own self that needs to be fixed, not mine. As for the OW, she still thinks she was entitled to my husb...why? I don't know.

 

Well I don't know why either, and I'm certainly not going to defend her actions since the affair is over. But she probably thought they had something because he told her a load of BS about you and your marriage and how he wanted out. I'd just be wary of a 'broken' train wreck of a man as you call him, because he might just be telling you a load of BS as well. I see he's been absolved of most of what happened because he was 'broken'. Handing him excuses while demonising the OW is a way of coping I suppose.

 

Once again, I'm not condoning affairs, or the OW's behaviour in your case. I'm just saying what I see seems to be going on here.

[frannie]

Honestly, I think that some men just want a W for a certain purpose (take care of the house, bear and raise kids, etc.), and OW for romance, excitement, sexual fullfilment. A man like that, in my opinion, doesn't love anybody but himself, but naturally he knows just what to say to keep the W and the OW around for as long as possible.

 

As long as the "good W" continues to take back a scumbag like that and as long as he finds women willing to play the game with him, nothing is ever going to change.

 

Got to agree with that.

 

Yes, many OW are dealing with 'cake-eaters' as they get labelled. But the wives are too. Some wives are unaware of the whole thing, of course, but when there's been a D-day and it's all in the open, the W is making just as much of a choice to listen to the soft-soap as the OW ever did.

[frannie]

How many MM have a d-day and are kicked to the curb only to beg to come home? Or how many MM are given the opportunity on d-day to leave and go to the OW, but refuse? I know lots of them. More have begged to stay married than left the wife for the OW. How many times have we read on forums that there was a d-day and the OW never heard from the MM again? Lots.

 

And how many MM lie low for a while and then call the OW again when the coast is clear..? Lots.

 

Affairs are a complete mess all round, especially if they're found out. I can't wait to be out of one, because this three years has been a LONG, horrible time.

[frannie]

all OW's here. Pathetic and shameful to sleep with another woman's husband, want another womans husband or be involved with a married man. I am not blaming just the OW's...the MM are just as at fault. Difference is, that I see remorseful, sorry WS, working hard to fix their wrongs, understand their failures and going forward. I see the OW's wondering why their lives are a mess, alone and crying, being lied to, plotting against the BS, supporting each other to believe that what you are doing is right. In my opinion, and the opinion of 99.9% of the population, sleeping with someone elses spouse is wrong. It's black and white, not gray, or in between.

 

It's hard to have compassion and sympathy for an OW crying the blues, when this same OW had absolutely no compassion for herself, the BS, the families involved, the kids or the marriage. So if the MM is emotionally bankrupt to have an affair, the OW must be too.

 

Of course they're 'remorseful and sorry' after they've been caught

 

No one is asking you to have compassion and sympathy, since you're not here in the spirit of the message board to support the OW. You're here for your own ends, and that's fine as far as others are prepared to engage you. You're hurting as much as any OW. And no doubt eventually you'll move past that and be able to get on with life without trying to tear down others as part of your 'healing'.

[Freedom Now]

And how many MM lie low for a while and then call the OW again when the coast is clear..? Lots.

 

Affairs are a complete mess all round, especially if they're found out. I can't wait to be out of one, because this three years has been a LONG, horrible time.

 

10 months after D-day.....and the contact has started again.

 

He says he is miserable, loves me, wants to see me, is so sorry for hurting me, never stopped loving me......

 

(And, BTW, he never kicked me to the curb when she found out, I kicked HIM to the curb....)

 

He was told that if he wants me, he can come find me when he is free....

 

but, yes, in my case, he came back....

[NightStarr8]

[/b]

 

I didn't read your story, however, if you are an OW and involved, then to me, your story is exactly the same as all OW's here. Pathetic and shameful to sleep with another woman's husband, want another womans husband or be involved with a married man. I am not blaming just the OW's...the MM are just as at fault.

 

You are blaming other women, they are according to you: "wondering why their lives are a mess, alone and crying, being lied to, plotting against the BS, supporting each other to believe that what you are doing is right." Your words, not mine. You have stated several times they want another woman's husband and do their best to steal him. That's blaming an other woman and not taking any responsibility for your marriage. It was your husband's fault and the other woman. You are blameless.

 

You have told us that men who have affairs are emotionally unhealthy. They're victims of the emotionally unhealthy other women who prey on married men.

 

[/b]I see the OW's wondering why their lives are a mess, alone and crying, being lied to, plotting against the BS, supporting each other to believe that what you are doing is right. In my opinion, and the opinion of 99.9% of the population, sleeping with someone elses spouse is wrong. It's black and white, not gray, or in between.

 

The correct statistic is that 90% think affairs are wrong. However, 40-55% of married women have at least one affair while married, 55-70% of married men have one affair. Somewhere between 60-80% of marriages have one affair. Of course, that has to be the other people's fault, we're lurking in the bushes, just waiting to grab a married person with to have illicit, icky sex with.

 

Get real. Grow up. You knew your husband had emotional issues. You knew those issues interfered with your marriage. You had your own emotional issues. The two of you negotiated a marriage that let you both ignore your own shortcomings until he had an affair. He came running home and told you about this yucky person with bad teeth and how he sex with her. You forgave him, because he was emotionally sick and promised to get healthy. But you have no plans of forgiving that awful, nefarious woman who listened to your husband's lies and had sex with him. There's no way she could have been duped by your husband just the way you were because she pursued him. You're going to keep a gps unit on her car for the rest of your life. And you don't think you're stalking her???? It doesn't occur to you that you may be as wacked out as she is? What happens if her car and your husband's car both end up at the same Home Depot at the same time?

 

[/b] When you walk the journey of cheating, lying, deception, conniving, you're looking for trouble hurt and heartache...the sad part is, the BS never asked to be in that position.

 

When 60-80% of marriages have at least one affair, anyone who marries asks to be put in the position of dealing with an affair. When that affair happens in six out of ten marriages, according to you it's the other person's fault. Obviously their whole purpose was to intentionally hurt someone and steal that person's spouse. Have you ever stopped to think that those of us who aren't married are sick and tired of you married people cheating on each other??? That we would love it if you got your act together and did something about your marriages instead of blaming it on all the single people preying on your perfect, fairy tale marriages? Stop blaming us because you're all failing at having successful, infidelity-free marriages.

[sadbuttrue]

wow nightstarr, i totally agree