Can you Guys Advise Me On This One ?

[Kinger25]

Hi Guys, need some help with this one if poss, before I end up alone again.

This may be a bit long but Will try to make it as brief as poss.

 

BACKGROUND: Have been with my BF for 1 1/2 years. I love him to death and would like to spend the rest of my life with him. He is 33, with 2 boys 14 & 11 yrs old. The 14 yr old lives with us full time, I try to treat him like a son as his mum doesn't have much to do with him, we have built up quite a good family unit over the last year or so. My BF's last relationship lasted 13 years with no infidelity on his part. I am 26. My previous relationship lasted 8 years with no infidelity so I am definitely a stayer.

 

Problem - ME ??? Or Him ??

 

Before I met BF, he was briefly "involved" with another girl. He really fell for her badly (I have seen the love letters !!) but she had a boyfriend who she would not leave so in the end he politely told her to get out of his life. She did. And now she's back. And she has broken up with her boyfriend.

 

They have kept in contact as friends since their "thing". I have never been particularly comfortable about their "friendship" as I feel it is quite flirtatious but trying not be insecure and possesive, I turned the other cheek for a bit.

 

Few weeks ago Found a text message on his phone from her saying

 

"Wots that then. Working so No not ignoring you. I always give you honest answers"

 

I hit the roof when I found this message. I was snooping which was so wrong, but I had a gut feeling. I packed all my stuff and said I was leaving. He assured me that he had not and would not ever do anything behind my back as he would not like it done to him. He said that she was a friend and he never told me about the messages etc because he knew that I would go mad about it and give him a hard time.

 

I have been on his case EVER since really. I keep questioning his trust and asking him if he wants to be with her. Anytime she rings him I am so anxious. This is NOT me by nature. I am ususally pretty sound and level headed. Never had this issue with my Ex. Just something inside me telling me that something is not quite right here.

 

Our dog had puppies, she sold two of the puppies for us. So she has been around our lives for a little bit lately. I am SO insecure that something is going on between them. My BF REALLY does try and drum it into me that nothing is going on. He says that I either have to trust him and get on with it or leave.

 

I have been giving him so much grief about this lately that I think that he is beginning to question our relationship, I DONT think that he has slept with her behind my back and dont think that he would do that, I SO want to trust him and move on from this. I want to get rid of the jealousy and insecurity. How do I do it ?? Do I trust him ? and if so then how do I start trusting completely ?? Its going to destroy my relationship if I dont do something drastic. He has done so much for me over the last year but he does'nt talk to me as nicely anymore which I cant blame him for after the hassle I have given him. How do I pull this back ?? What can I do for him to show him that I love him totally and that I trust him ?? I need to do something tonight to make a difference. He is a real mans man so flowers etc dont do much for him.

 

Any advice Please ????

[Guest]

I wouldn't say text messages are solid proof of infidelity. They could just be friends but given their history and her newfound freedom, I would say keep your eyes open. I want to say give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but I know it's easier said than done. Good luck.

[umbo]

MS.Kinger I don't trust your boyfriend either, and I suggest you do a lot more investigation. It is okay to snoop if you feel uncomfortable,twitchy about this rekindled relationship with a girl he liked or likes. That phone message was and is just the tip of the iceberg dear. You are level headed and your intuition is ethical and honorable!!! you are web savy and I suggest you find websites to assist you in monitoring and catching a cheater. You have to look out for you. Your so called boyfriend should not attempt to use guilt to make you question your good judgement. Continue to probe and investigate quietly with out him knowing gather all the facts together then shock and awe him with the truth and with proof. Good luck and good snooping. As your brother I would rather see you looking for potential husbands than shacking up with a man who has 3 kids you can do so much better. YOu need to be planning for your house your family your kids your future. hey good luck

[Guest]

well, for me, i've had to deal with something i never had with my gf before - trust issues. and honestly, they come from NC and my addiction - silence really plays tricks on yer brain. and to be totally honest, my gf is beatufil, smart - she is like every man's dream and i never felt like this until i screwed up and hurt her. but i am getting better. as for my side of things, i still can't believe what happened to me and some of the things i did. all i know is that when my friends did an intervention a while back, i was probably in that same state where i couldn't 'see' what i was doing.

 

i've gone thru a pretty scary period of time, and so has my gf and we are beyond unbelievable at how we are working our way back. i can tell u all this - those things will never happen again - ask her about the porn? nothing. as for staying, i never would - what happened back then was a wrong place, wrong time thing but we haven't given up. that being said, i know that i shook the foundation of her trust so i will do whatever it takes to build it up again.

 

and i do that, she has complete access and often sees things before i do. and what i really want to do is spend lots of romantic alone time with her and treat her special but i am having problems getting my foot back in the door. i am patient thou - and that must be freaking her out seeing me like this. as for her staying, i have never thought of people this way - nc, ccookekeke and depression etc. is tough.

 

but i made it back and she has too - now we work together and soon we'll try for our 7th baby and then she's back at university. its kewl. right now i am more worried about making where she now comfy, taking care of a few expenses [she wouldn't let me do more than that] and just the odd stuff that she needs. as for the phone calls, i must be the man that acts like a woman in wanting to hear someones voice. wtf

[confucious]

I think the most important fact in this situation, Kinger25, is that she is NOT an ex of his!!!

 

Exes sometimes stick around in our lives as friends, and sometimes this has to be understood and tolerated by our SO's. The thing about exes is - they are exes for a REASON...things fell apart, you fell out of love, incompatible etc.etc. the relationship most often has been fully realized sexually and emotionally, and burns up or fades.

 

THIS woman is a massive threat in my eyes. His love for her was NEVER realized, it sounds like he tried to kick start something, got too little response, and so left feeling dejected. This leaves a feeling of "what if" in his mind...he has NOT experienced her in a full fledged relationship and cannot know that he doesn't want to again. He probably more wonders what it COULD have been. Question is, does this lead to thoughts of what COULD be?? I don't know.

 

She is the fish that got away...the chocolate he unwrapped but never ate...it's not too far fetched to believe he could be drooling over it right now.

 

If it were me, I might think about asking him not to have contact anymore...problem with that is, it could just drive him away. Tricky situation, but just so you know - I don't think you are crazy for being worried, I think it is just natural, and given his past "Love" for her I don't think it is too much to ask he stop contact. If your concern is rational and for good reason, if he loves you he WILL take steps to stop making you so anxious and sick with worry. Sometimes just reassuring is...well, not very reassuring!

 

Good Luck!

[norajane]

He assured me that he had not and would not ever do anything behind my back as he would not like it done to him. He said that she was a friend and he never told me about the messages etc because he knew that I would go mad about it and give him a hard time.

 

Well, he's a walking, talking contradiction then, isn't he?

 

He says he would never do anything behind your back, yet he hid the messages from you because he knew you'd be upset and confront him about it...so he already DID do something behind your back!

 

I'd be very wary and nervous about this, too. You already know he hides his relationship with her to some degree; you can't know to what degree and when it might be to a large degree.

 

Don't bring it up so much for a while, but keep your eyes and ears open. I know you want to trust him, but the only way to make that happen is if his words match up with his actions and he shows himself to be trustworthy.

[Kinger25]

Thank you so much for your responses on this. It has made me kind of feel better in a way to know that I am Not being totally paranoid and insecure and that my concerns are perhaps warranted.

 

Confucios, you have hit the nail on the head. My main concerns are as you say, my BF had a taste of something that he really quite liked when he was involved with her. SHE was the one who wouldn't leave her BF for him, and although he pursued and pursued her, she couldn't quite take the bait from him. My BF is the kind of man who HATES to be defeated. By ANYTHING. This worries me because as you said, the challenge of her has now resurrected itself. She has presented herself to him again, and now she does not have the pull of a BF to drag her back to reality. She is young, free, pretty and single. She is the forbidden fruit. The mouse is teasing and I have a sinking feeling in the pitt of my stomach that the cat is going to pounce.

 

Question now is. Do I trust him ? If I continue to go on about it to him I know that I am only setting myself up for the famous old line of "Well you drove me to it" from him. I can't check his phone anymore because he's caught onto that one. Deletes her text messages etc. This is no way for me to live. I work in the afternoons. He works around and about the area, never quite know where he is at any given time, its impossible for me to find out unless I take a week or two off work and follow him all the time which I REALLY do not want to do. Why should I ? I just dont think that I have the means to collect enough evidence. And what if I spend the next 6 months obssesing ove something that he isn't doing anyway ? I dont know what to do. I love him. I really do, but I refuse to be taken for an idiot. I Must keep remembering that he MAY be innocent. Should I drop this whole thing and just trust him ?

 

If I try to talk to him about it he just starts getting defensive (classic sign of a cheater isn't it ?) and it always ends up in a massive row which doesn't get us anywhere. If I didn't love him so much it would be easy. I would up sticks and leave, but I do love him and I myself dont like giving up at the first hurdle. I like to work at things and I am proud of myself for knowing that I am the kind of person who will stick things out through the good times and the bad. Infidelity however is my one big no no. No second chances with that one. Any more advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Walk]

I can't check his phone anymore because he's caught onto that one. Deletes her text messages etc.

 

Whoa! BIG RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!! Don't shut your eyes and wish away the bad things. They aren't going away.

 

If there was nothing going on, he would've realized that it's more hassel to hide his communication then it's worth. Hell, there wouldn't be anything to hide. If there were text messages he'd show them to you, prove he was innocent and not doing anything. He'd be resentful that you accused him of being inappropriate, and probably throw it in your face that you were wrong.

 

Instead, he deletes his messages?!?!?! He's not working to rebuild the trust he broke. He's demanding you trust him, yet not giving even an iota for you to work with.

 

RUN. Don't just leave, RUN.

 

If I try to talk to him about it he just starts getting defensive (classic sign of a cheater isn't it ?) and it always ends up in a massive row which doesn't get us anywhere.

 

I have a male friend that I once had a huge crush on. Anyway, we're still friends. One day I met the friend for coffee without telling my bf about it. I thought I was protecting him. Well, he found out, blew up at me. I hurt him pretty bad by doing that. Now I don't hide anything. I have nothing to hide anyway. (I don't text message the friend.) I play voice messages he leaves in front of my bf. Talk to the friend in front of my bf. Tell my bf of any time he calls and what we talked about. I don't wait for my bf to ask, I offer full disclosure. I go out of my way to show that there is nothing for him to worry about.

 

You're bf just took things to a more secretive level. That, in my opinion, shows a complete lack of respect for you and for your relationship. He's creating suspicion instead of actively fighting against it. Nothing is out in the open. You aren't getting the full story and you know it. He's contradicting himself, lying to you, and then demanding you trust him.

 

He assured me that he had not and would not ever do anything behind my back

I think it'd be foolish of you to shut your eyes and pretend this all went away. And that's what you would be doing if you convince yourself to "just trust him" when he's not giving you any reason to.

[Guest]

How do you know he deletes the text messages?

Do you see them in the "deleted" box, or just a suspicion??

[Kinger25]

Hi Guest,

 

Its suspicion really that tells me he is deleting her messages, but at the same time, she text him the other day and I saw the message before he had chance to get rid of it, he didn't know that I saw it and when I looked again later on that night, the message was gone.

[Guest]

That is really bad, the fact alone that he is making an effort to hide it from you, especially after claiming he would never go behind your back.

 

Why continue if it is something he feels he must delete?

 

This behavior really bothers me, especially because you would not know if you had simply trusted him and never checked. It would be happening and you would never know it then. I wonder if you checked first because just her presence was causing you suspicion, or he was giving strange signals that are making you feel "off".

 

Well now you know he is deliberately hiding it from you. And the situation of her going right into the friend zone after such a big drama between the two of them means you are in the middle of an unresolved drama.

 

I would re-read Walk's advice, she really knows her stuff and seems to be right on.

 

I am sorry you have to go through this, we all have to some degree or another. But the deliberate hiding, in essence-lying to you-means a shift has happened. You were very smart and brave to face it and investigate. That can be very hard, we all want to believe the best, even when the facts say otherwise.

[Guest]

Klinger....

 

I find myself in exactly the same shoes as you....Though we don't live together, we have talked about it seriously, casually looked at apartments and been together for 2 and a half years.

 

My b/f deletes his calls and texts, which is totally the reason I look for them..... to top it off... he recently started putting his phone on vibrate most of the times when we are together... I'm guessing .. so that I don't hear it ring?

 

I found a message on his phone to a girl... (that he claimed was a customer from work) which said -

"How can I hit on you? When I text, you tell me to stop. When I call, you don't answer. lol"

 

When I found it, I packed my little drawer I keep at his house, and went to the door, when he came to ask me where I was going, I was taking his house keys of my keyring. I handed them to him and said I didn't need them anymore.

 

He told me that it was a joke, and she was a customer (again), and I told him it didn't matter and that I was just sick of crying... long story short... he told me everything I needed to hear, made me melt (did I mention he's in sales) and put the keys in my pocket saying I had forgotten them....

 

now several weeks later.... I still sneak looks at his phone (mostly empty when I do).....

 

Like you... if I knew there was cheating going on.... I would leave, but as I can't prove it, and I love the man who says he would never take flirting that far as to be with another woman...... I am still with him. But it's eating me up inside. When I am there... I wake up all night with dreams of reaching across his chest to take his phone and look..... and I'm so tired of living like this....

 

I have never been insecure about something like this, because if I was.... I simply left the guy.

 

I am sorry I can't offer advice, and that all I have for you is my undying sympathy.......

 

Love is just not so simple to shrug off.... even when you know things aren't right.... when you feel that strongly about someone... you want to make them so.

 

That's where I'm at.... whilst likely driving him away with my jealous antics..... I just wish someone would put us out of our misery.....because I love him too much to give up believing that he's a good man that would never hurt me purposely <huge sigh>

 

I'm sorry you are going through the same torture I feel daily. Best of luck to you.