SaraAnn Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Hello everyone, I am a former cheater- one of those people that did their partner wrong, lied about it and all of that. I say former because even though I cheated on one partner I've never done it since, learned my lesson and have been in a committed relationship for the last four years. I'm young- in my early 30's so while I dont' excuse my behavior lets just say it was a learning experience. I am very sorry for what I did to my ex. I was thinking maybe I could answer some questions here about what goes through the mind of a cheater, what excuses they use, and what lengths one will go to not to get caught. Now I wasn't married when the infidelity occured so in a marriage it may be slightly different but I'd be willing to share my experiences if anyone has any questions. My situation is that I was engaged and living with my partner (together 5 years) and I ended up having an affair with a guy who was an old aquantaince- someone I had never looked twice at or found attractive before. He lived in my hometown and I would drive 5 hours every other weekend just to see him (I had moved to be with my fiance). Until that incident I had NEVER thought I would cheat on my fiance. Once about a year earlier a guy friend had tried to kiss me and I was upset (I considered kissing cheating) that I'd almost cheated on my fiance unwillingly. So I went from having very strict morals about infidelity to basically none at all. LIke I said I am reformed, dont' plan on doing it again so if you want to criticize me for what I did- yes I deserve it but I'd rather help those who might have questions about what goes on in one's mind when they are being unfaithful. Ask away and I'll try to help.
lasan Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I don't have any questions, I have a good idea how a cheaters mind works by this point, but I would like to welcome you and commend you for trying to be honest with people.
lover's rock Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 What does it take to end a cheating relationship? You know it's wrong but you do it anyway...why? It pulls you in two different directions and has split you down the middle...added major stress to your life by being so secretive and living a double life. Why continue? What did it take for you to decide to stop cheating? Is it always the OW/OM that has to end it with the MM in order for it to end? Or is the MM/MW in some cases able to stand up and decide to be better for themselves, whatever that may be? (staying with their family or seeking out a sole relationship with that new person) What makes the decision so difficult to follow through on even though you've already made it? Why is it so hard for that cheating person to let go of that extra person in their lives?
Louie1 Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 It’s all done for the passion and desire that just is not there anymore, so one longs to lust and searches to replace what currently is for what was. Sometimes during this process one may find love or just a nice set of buns and people always want what they can’t have so at the end of the day your mistress will want you more and your wife will soon be showing you the door. Perhaps it’s the adventure or the variety that adds the spice to life... at the end of the day no~one wants to be alone, some settle with what they have and get greedy and others want more. But also after being in a relationship for many years sex becomes like the game twister. Ok here we go: Left hand green Right foot yellow Left foot Orange Spin again! Spin again! Spin again! Spin again! Spin again! Spin again! Spin again! We were almost there Spin again! With your mistress you can do things to her you would never dream of doing with the misses at home. Hello everyone, I am a former cheater- one of those people that did their partner wrong, lied about it and all of that. I say former because even though I cheated on one partner I've never done it since, learned my lesson and have been in a committed relationship for the last four years. I'm young- in my early 30's so while I dont' excuse my behavior lets just say it was a learning experience. I am very sorry for what I did to my ex. I was thinking maybe I could answer some questions here about what goes through the mind of a cheater, what excuses they use, and what lengths one will go to not to get caught. Now I wasn't married when the infidelity occured so in a marriage it may be slightly different but I'd be willing to share my experiences if anyone has any questions. My situation is that I was engaged and living with my partner (together 5 years) and I ended up having an affair with a guy who was an old aquantaince- someone I had never looked twice at or found attractive before. He lived in my hometown and I would drive 5 hours every other weekend just to see him (I had moved to be with my fiance). Until that incident I had NEVER thought I would cheat on my fiance. Once about a year earlier a guy friend had tried to kiss me and I was upset (I considered kissing cheating) that I'd almost cheated on my fiance unwillingly. So I went from having very strict morals about infidelity to basically none at all. LIke I said I am reformed, dont' plan on doing it again so if you want to criticize me for what I did- yes I deserve it but I'd rather help those who might have questions about what goes on in one's mind when they are being unfaithful. Ask away and I'll try to help.
SarahAnn Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 What does it take to end a cheating relationship? You know it's wrong but you do it anyway...why? It pulls you in two different directions and has split you down the middle...added major stress to your life by being so secretive and living a double life. Why continue? What did it take for you to decide to stop cheating? Is it always the OW/OM that has to end it with the MM in order for it to end? Or is the MM/MW in some cases able to stand up and decide to be better for themselves' date=' whatever that may be? (staying with their family or seeking out a sole relationship with that new person) What makes the decision so difficult to follow through on even though you've already made it? Why is it so hard for that cheating person to let go of that extra person in their lives?[/quote'] I have to warn you I was never married so I'm not sure what goes thru the mind of someone who has a family but in my case, I was engaged and the guy I considered my best friend at one point. He didnt' leave me when he found out- I kept it from him for about three months. I was living I guess what you could call a double life except that I didnt' live near the OM so I just saw him when I went home to visit my family. I don't think its always the OM or OW who has to end it. Sometimes the guilt just catches up to you or in other cases it just becomes too exhausting to try to carry on with two people. In my case, I ended it with my fiance, I confessed to him (in pieces by the way , I never told him the whole story up front). In my instance it wasnt' guilt that caught up to me becuase I had separated my time with my fiance and my time with OM into totally different things in my mind. I mean I knew it was wrong but it was such a thrill at the time, I just lusted after OM and loved the attention he gave me. It was a break from reality for me. I ended it with my fiance because after 5 years with him I knew that since I had broken all of our boundaries (by sleeping with another man) I could never continue our relationship. I never slept with my fiance after having sex with OM. I know most people dont stop having sex with both partners but since sex with my fiance had dwindled to once a month and I had to force myself to do it with him (resentment and just feeling distanced from him) he didn't really notice anyway. I finally confessed my affair to my fiance and ended our relationship (even though he wanted to try to work it out) I will say that I think the reason most MW/MM don't end their affairs is because they become addicted to the affair partner. And a lot of the times the affair partner isn't as attractive or smart or any better of a match then the spouse. I don't say this to be mean but the spouse married YOU because obviously he./she put a lot of thought into it and you connected with them. An affair partner is someone the MWMM might connect with on one level and that makes them feel special. My OM wasnt' all that attractive, my fiance had a better job, higher education and I definately had more in common with my fiance than OM. OM was ok to most but in my eyes he was wonderful just because he was the opposite of my fiance. Also I really put him on a pedastal and he didn't belong there. I think it is so hard to leave what you are used to because you feel secure there. In most cases if cheating spouse was single I doubt they would be interested in the OM/OW. It is difficult to leave because you make it work and make your life about both your spouse and OM/OW so it is hard to let go of one of them. However wrong that may be.Also most cheaters think they can get away with it. even though I felt guilty my moto was deny deny deny. I would tell my fiance that I saw OM (he didnt know I had slept with him) as friends or that we went out with a group of people when in reality it was just me and OM.
SueBee3490 Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Sara, Can the person that is cheatng "truly" love the person they are cheating on? I find this very hard to believe. My bf cheated on me while we were dating and then married me never telling he was cheating. I feel he didn't love me. I loved him with all my heart and in all reality didn't even have the desire to see other men. He meant everything to me and I never once thought of cheating on him. I feel he doesn't know what true love is because if he did, just the thought of cheating on that one person you are "supposed" to be loving, wouldn't enter your mind. I just don't understand it.
SarahAnn Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Sara, Can the person that is cheatng "truly" love the person they are cheating on? I find this very hard to believe. My bf cheated on me while we were dating and then married me never telling he was cheating. I feel he didn't love me. I loved him with all my heart and in all reality didn't even have the desire to see other men. He meant everything to me and I never once thought of cheating on him. I feel he doesn't know what true love is because if he did, just the thought of cheating on that one person you are "supposed" to be loving, wouldn't enter your mind. I just don't understand it. I guess it depends on your definition of true love. If that includes respect then no, your boyfriend did not meet that definition. But he may have thought he loved you. People who cheat become very selfish individuals and they often compartmentalize their feelings. Yes they can still love the person they are betraying. They just separate their feelings for their mate and the affair partner. Sometimes they think they love both. Obviously if he married you he felt something for you. In my case, I thought i loved my fiance- I felt deep feelings for him in that I didn't want to hurt him (therefore I didnt want him to find out) and that I didnt ever want anythng bad to happen to him. At one time he was my best friend and the closest thing to a "soul mate" I'd ever felt. I still loved him but the affair was all about "me, me, me" I wasn't thinking of him or his feelings when I engaged in the affair. It was as if he was a separate part of my life, I still cared about him but i was selfish and put my own needs above his needs and his feelings. I no longer considered our relationship important. I was caught up in taking a break from reality and though I wasn't in love with the guy i had an affair with, i was addicted to the excitement and newness of him. so yes, I still believed I loved my fiance even though I betrayed him.
SueBee3490 Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Thanks SarahAnn for responding. I've got another question..... Do you think that in a cheater's mind - they justify what they are doing? Do you think they really believe in their own excuses as to why they cheated? A little background on me is that my now H and I were a long distance relationship living 450 miles from each other in different states. When we first talked I found it exciting to think about the possibility of moving. There were never any concrete plans for me to move. I never quit my job or sold my house to move to his area. It was just talk and dreaming. He is trying to justify his cheating by saying that I had said I'd move then found I couldn't at this time in my life. That doesn't mean I wouldn't in the future. My children were all still in school when we first met and their father had passed away so I couldn't see uprooting them at this time in their lives. He seems to try to convince me that this is the reason he cheated is that I wouldn't move for him but he moved to my home area. He says he really didn't want to move but felt pressured to. We dated 2 1/2 yrs, bought a house in my hometown and then he felt trapped as if he "had" to move. But actually he was cheating on me before we even decided who was moving where so this excuse doesn't gel. I've told him but if he didn't love me, why string me along? I asked him repeatedly if he wanted to break up because of the distance, etc. He always reassured me that he loved me and didn't want to break up. WTF? Why do this if he doesn't love me? I don't understand that side of cheating and never will. If I ever feel the need to cheat, I will at least have the respect for my partner to end one relationship before starting another.
SarahAnn Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 [Do you think that in a cheater's mind - they justify what they are doing? Do you think they really believe in their own excuses as to why they cheated? A cheater defintately justifies what they are doing- just to make ourselves seem not so much the "bad guy". We use excuses to make our behavior (which we know is wrong) seem ok. When I cheated on my fiance- even when I confessed to him I started out with "this was all my fault" but then I went on to list the things HE"D done to cause my betrayal. I told him he didn't pay enough attention to me and OM did, that he watched porn too much and made me feel unwanted, that I was homesick from moving 5 hours away to be with him, that he worked too much etc. But the truth was it was MY fault. I'm the person who decided to stray. Yes, I didn't want to feel like a failure or to be the "bad guy" in the relationship so I blamed my infidelity of anything I could think of. In my mind these were "good reasons" but didnt' make up for the fact that I lied and hurt someoen I loved. So yes, we believe our own excuses but thats all they are -is excuses and usually very weak ones at that. The truth is at any time, if I wasn't happy, if I was homesick or feeling unwanted I could have ended the relationship with my fiance and THEN gone out and hooked up with/or found someoen else to have a relationship with. But it was my CHOICE and I didn't do this. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted my fiance at home waiting for me, while I went out and had fun and thrills with anohter man. That right there is the definition of a selfish bitch and that was me. I didn't mean to hurt anyone but truthfully I was just thinking of mysefl as your husband was. I've actually been on the other side of this as well- had a boyfriend of 3 years have an affair with an ex behind my back. Karma I guess. His excuse? He said he hadn't felt the same way about me in a year or so and didn't think it was going to work out between us! yet he had said NOTHING to me about this and continued every day (even during his affair) to tell me he loved me, to make future plans etc) so yes, I do believe cheaters just make up excuses to justify their own behavior but dont' ever let anyone tell you it was YOUR fault. The person who cheated has a brain and they make their own decisions as I did, quite honestly you aren't thinking of the other's person's feelings at all when you cheat. you are selfish and only concerned with how YOU are feeling.
sumdude Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 So how far will a cheater go to keep the affair going and a secret? How convoluted and amazing can the lies get?
SarahAnn Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 So how far will a cheater go to keep the affair going and a secret? How convoluted and amazing can the lies get? Like I said before- I wasn't married so I'm sure if its probably different if married and my affair didn't last all that long but I know of people who've had affairs for years so I"m sure the lying is extreme in those situations. BUt in my situation I went to some great lengths not to get caught- I would only tell certain friends (that my fiance had no contact with) about my infidelity. I told my mom as well but I only told her the first part of the story (that OM and I had kissed and I thought he had a crush on me) I didn't tell her that her darling sweet daughter was having sex with OM after the third time we met up. Also I told my fiance all kinds of stories. I actually moved back home (with my parents) to be closer to OM. I told my fiance I was helping my mom get my parent's house ready to move out of (they had sold it and were moving for my dad's job transfer) which was true but I didnt have to help her move because my dad's job paid a moving company to come in and pack up all their stuff and move it (I'm talking 2 tractor trailer loads here!) I just wanted to be closer to OM and see if things could work out between us. I also would mention to my fiance that OM (he was a friend of a friend) and I would hang out with my other friends. I made it sound like a group activity were I just bumped into him. Since my fiance knew I was "running into" him I think he felt safe knowing that I was telling him the guys I was talking to. (which was my intention) I would also make remarks about OM that he wasn't very attractive or that he was too skinny or I even told my fiance that OM had a girlfriend. (to throw him off track). When I'd spend nights at OM's house I"d lie to my parents, friends etc and say I was at another friend (female)'s house. Once I got caught because my friend called my parents house looking for me and I had to cover my tracks with antoher lie (that she wasn't home and I had to stay with someone else in order to not wake my parents up. I would pick fights with my fiance when he asked me to move back to be with him. I'd tell him he was forcing me to choose between helping my family and him. When in reality I just wanted to stay and mess around with OM. I eventually ended up lying to ALL of my friends saying that my fiance and I had broken up so that when they saw me with OM they wouldnt' know I was cheating. And my fiance was five hours away so how would he find out? Mostly I just lied about where I"d been and who I"d been with (OM). Since I didn't have my own place and my parents were moving, I moved in with my mom (she rented a place for a year so she could finish up working at her job before she moved to be with my dad -long story). She would drive 2 hours to see my dad on weekends. I would have OM stay with me on the weekends. Once my fiance was in the area without telling me and saw OM's truck there. (my car was in the garage). I made up a story about OM's girlfriend had dumped him adn I have having a party with my friends and OM stopped by and needed someone to talk to becasue his girlfriend dumped him. So I said I stayed up all night (and of course other friends were there) and I talked to him and comforted him. It was all a bunch of BS. Oh and some of the other horrible things I did (and it makes me physically ill to think about this) but my fiance actually helped me pick out new clothes to wear on dates with OM. We'd be shopping and I'd try on jeans and my fiance would say I looked really hot in them and I'd buy them to wear when I saw OM. I also went shopping (my fiance was with me) before I slept with OM for the first time. I wanted new underwear - because I thought something was going to happen between us. My fiance unknowingly helped me pick something out. Yes, I actually bought the lingerie I wore when I first had sex with OM when I was with my fiance. How sick is that. yes, I was young at the time but that is NO excuse. I would say the biggest lies were the ones I told when I confessed to my fiance that I had cheated. first I told him I was breaking up with him because I had kissed antoher guy (well that the guy had kissed me and I felt guilty) (this was true in a sense that OM had complimented me and hugged me and our eyes met and he had been holding me and it felt so good and he said "hmm. I shou ldnt' kiss you but I really want to right now" and I just stood on my tip toes and kissed him. And kissed him and kissed him. And the funny thing was he wasn't even a good kisser. I also lied to my fiance and told him I only had sex with OM once. and I only admitted that after my fiance wanted to work out our relationship. (because he thought I'd just kissed another man). I told him it was only the one time and that I was very very sorry. True, I was sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. But at the time I was only thinking of myself and how fun being with OM was. The truth was OM and I had sex about 20 times before I broke up with my fiance. One night we had sex 4 times (the first time I spent the night with OM and OM told me he loved me.) Oh and I also lied to OM and told him I'd broken up with my fiance (after the third time we went out (before we slept together). So yeah, i was pretty much dishonest with everyone I spoke to. I was also lying to myself. I kept telling myself that no one was going to get hurt becasue they werent going to find out. I kept a mental tally of all the things my fiance did to upset me or anger me adn all of his mistakes (real or imagined) so I felt "better" about what I was doing. Most of the time though I didn't think of my fiance at all. I was lost in this little fantasy world. I didn't see OM every day, I didnt' live with him, I didn't have to put up with his everyday habits and annoying things he may have done. So each time i saw him it was new and exciting and I was addicted to the rush I got from being with him. So yes, I pretty much lied about everything in order to protect that fantasy world I was living in because it was so much better than my life in the real world. When I think back I wonder how I went from someone who maybe told a few white lies (telling a friend her new hair cut looked great when it was actually butchered) or telling my parents I was at the mall when actually I went to a friend's house when her parents weren't home (when I was younger) to someone who became a pathological liar all over a guy!!! I was lying to myself as well- telling myself that OM was beautiful (he was average) that he was so caring and sweet and thoughtful (this guy actually said to me at one point during an argument "why do you put up with how I treat you? I don't buy you flowers or gifts or even call when I say I will.) I thought that he was ambitious (he had two jobs) and that he was selfless (he was a volunteer fire fighter) I was "in love" with the idea that he was the exact opposite of my fiance and thats all I needed at the time. While OM wasn't a dud or even a bad guy he sure couldn't compare to my fiance if I'd been thinking straight. So the long answer to your question is that yes, cheaters will lie, lie, lie about everything, create stories, enlist the help of their friends, pretty much do whatever it takes to protect their secrets.
SarahAnn Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 So how far will a cheater go to keep the affair going and a secret? How convoluted and amazing can the lies get? I posted a reply to this yesterday but it must not have gone through. So my short answer, is cheaters will go to pretty much ANY length to keep their affairs a secret. I was a person who maybe told a few white lies in her time but when I was cheating I lied to everyone in my life. I told my friends I"ve broken up with my fiance, I told OM I was planning to break up with my fiance, I even told my fiance that OM was an old friend (he was actually a friend of a friend) who I talked to on the phone once in awhile. I also would mention OM to my fiance, telling him I'd gone out with a group of friends and OM just happened to be there when in fact I was out with OM alone. I did this to throw my fiance off track. So that at least I'd mentioned OM so if anyone saw me with him, my fiance would know we were hanging out and so my fiance would believe OM was "safe" for me to hang out with (just platonic). I even told my fiance that OM had a girlfriend. I told lie after lie, so many it was hard to keep them straight. I actually started to believe in my own mind that I wasnt' doing anything wrong. How sick is that! I also told OM a lot of things about my fiance that were exagerrated. I told him that my fiance and I had sex about 4 times a year (not true) and when I went back to visit my fiance I told OM I was going to get some more of my things to move out of the apartment. Actually I was going to see if I had any feelings left for my fiance (I thought about OM the whole time I was there actually) but my fiance and I ended up messing around a bit (didnt' have sex though) but we were very lovey and cuddled and did some other stuff. I didnt' tell OM any of this. I actually told him that I'd slept on the couch. (It was a five hour drive so I had to spend the night). My affair didn't last all that long because I ended it after a few months and left my fiance as well. But I"m sure those who have had affairs that last years will do anything to protect that lifestyle because they are used to it and need both partners to be happy. When I look back I am discusted at myself because I wasn't honest with ANYONE, I lied to my parents, my friends, my coworkers, and especially my fiance and OM. I just told everyone whatever I knew would keep them from becoming suspicious. It was out of character for me (or maybe it wasn't because I went thru with it) but I had no problem lying because I didn't want to get caught, yet I didn't want to hurt my fiance and I didnt' want to lose OM.
SueBee3490 Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Thanks SarahAnn for being so open about everything. Yes the lying part always just amazed me how my H lied so much to everyone around him that I couldn't see how he kept it all straight. He would tell one woman he chatted with that he wasn't seeing anyone (when he was engaged to me), he would tell another one that he lived in Nebraska or somewhere when he lived in Kansas. He told another one that his ex's name was Joanne or something when in fact it was Mary. I once asked him if he kept a little book next to his computer so when one of his girlfriends and he talked, he could look up in his book what lies he told her so he wouldn't mix them all up! He didn't appreciate that! The one woman I knew that he cheated on me with, he had said he met her through a hunting buddy. I tend to believe that he met her online but he had to tell me that because he was always telling me that he never got on the computer, he tried to act so computer illiterate just to throw me off track. The biggest and most hurtful lie I think was because we lived in different states but we always talked at 8:30 every night. It was 3 weeks before we were to be married and we talked like clockwork at 8:30. I found out he had taken another woman out to dinner and then they went to a hotel. I asked her for info and asked how he could have talked to me at 8:30 if he was with her the whole night. She did mention that he said his daughter was sick and he needed to go and call her to check up on her. Well.....his daughter wasn't sick, he was calling me for our nightly chat. I'm sure we said all the usual lovey-dovey things to each other and we always ended our talks with "I love you". When I think about that, I want to puke. He's such an SOB for just stringing me along when all he had to do was say "bye" because we were just dating and not married. No reason to put me through this heartache. I think with this revelation, I knew he never loved me. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart and just twisted the knife. Finding out he had lived to me over and over was the most painful experience I've ever experienced. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again. Thanks SarahAnn for your truthfulness and I'm glad you are not cheating now. I think it's a Sir Walter Scott quote that goes something like, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive". This is so true! The more lies one tells on top of other lies, the more tangled and twisted it becomes.
Sadcakesleo Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 Hey SarahAnn I have been cheated on and done the cheating. Thinking back about both situations and most other peoples about cheating, the person who was doing the cheating never came clean untill they were caught or felt overwhelmingly guilty. My question to you is what is the best way to get your cheating spouse to confess? Most of the time if they are cheating when you tell them about your fears they just say no and get angry they are even being accused. i guess what I am trying to say is what is the person that is being cheated on best chance to find out as early as possible? Even in both my situations I cannot figure out what would have made me confess right away or what I could have done to make my spouse confess to me without getting caught. The reason I am asking is I am in a relationship now and past couple months I feel like I am being cheated on because some signs are there like they were in my previous relationship but I can't just accuse her because I might push her away and everytime I tell her my fears she says the right things. Maybe I'm being paranoid but if I learned anything its to trust my instinct. I just want to know the truth and I don't know how to get it.(if what she says really isn't the truth)
SarahAnn Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 [suebee3490, What your fiance did to you was absolutely horrible and I feel for you. I have no idea why somone feels the need to cheat and lie and yet drag the person they "love" down with them instead of just saying this isn't working and goodbye before they go screw around with others. In my experience I would say that it was because I wanted the security of my fiance but the excitement of my OM. Although in my heart I KNEW I was going to end it with my fiance and I had actually thought about leaving for awhile. We had been together for so long (5 years) that I just wasn't sure how to be without him. He was a huge part of my life and though I never planned on cheating I was just afraid to let him go. There are also people who are just serial cheaters (sounds like your fiance) who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and enjoy the challenge and constant stimulation of trying to keep up with all their stories. Some people are just not cut out to be monagamous. I have NO idea why your fiance didn't end it with you adn kept stringing you along like that. That is probably the cruelest thing you can do to a person. But when we cheat we are selfish and in all honesty the only person's feelings we care about are our own. Quote " My question to you is what is the best way to get your cheating spouse to confess? Most of the time if they are cheating when you tell them about your fears they just say no and get angry they are even being accused. i guess what I am trying to say is what is the person that is being cheated on best chance to find out as early as possible? [/b] Even in both my situations I cannot figure out what would have made me confess right away or what I could have done to make my spouse confess to me without getting caught. The reason I am asking is I am in a relationship now and past couple months I feel like I am being cheated on because some signs are there like they were in my previous relationship but I can't just accuse her because I might push her away and everytime I tell her my fears she says the right things. Maybe I'm being paranoid but if I learned anything its to trust my instinct. I just want to know the truth and I don't know how to get it.(if what she says really isn't the truth) I totally know what you mean when you say that if you confront the person you think is cheating that they get angry they are being accussed. I would say that is a pretty good sign (along with others of course) that they are cheating. In my case my fiance, never confronted me, and I confessed out of guilt. Although I have to point out I didn't tell him everything. I actually told him in pieces and I NEVER gave him the whole story. So even when I confessed I was still telling half truths and lies to him. He never accused me of cheating because he trusted me and he really had no reason to think I was betraying him. I did exhibit a lot of the tell tale signs though- I always left my cell phone on (in case OM called me) and I was very protective of it. I snuck out of the house to call OM. My attitude toward my fiance changed- sometimes I woudl be very distant, other times I would be very lovey and sweet toward him (to make up for my guilt). I would also pick fights with him about the dumbest of things so that I would feel better about talking to and seeing OM (oh my fiance was so mean to me, he doesnt appreciate me etc). I also stopped wearing my engagement ring saying I need to have it cleaned. I think that if my fiance had accused me of cheating, no I wouldn't have come clean, I wanted to do it on my own time in my own way. I would have probably just gotten angry like how dare you accuse me, I've never done anything to make you think that!! or i woudl have told him everything I could to calm his fears. I really don't think there is anything specific you can say or do to make someone confess. A lot of times they will tell you just to make themselves feel better (all about the cheater again) because the guilt is eating away at them. I've had an experience with the type of cheater who NEVER admitted to anything until I could prove it. My gut told me something was up between him and his ex and at first I asked him and he brushed it off as nothing. Said she was just a friend and accused me of being jealous and insecure. Turns out yes, they were sleeping together and I had every right to believe what I did. Did he ever come clean about this? Nope, I found out in bits and pieces- I found a message she left on his machine, an email saying she's had a good time one night (he lied and said they just went to dinner). He would NEVER admit to anything until I had proof. He didn't break up with me either. Even when SHE came to me and told me that she and my boyfriend were sleeping together he denied it and called her crazy and told me she was on medication. So some people will NEVER confess until you actually catch them in the act of cheating on you (which is pretty hard to do) I would say if you think your significant other may be cheating- just TRUST YOUR GUT. that is the most important thing. If I"d listened to my gut instincts I would have never ended up in the mess I was in with my ex. I KNEW something was up but instead I listened to his words instead of my own instincts because I wanted to believe him. Also you might want to just keep an eye on her, do a little snooping if you want. But if she is doing something behind your back unless she is the type of person to feel very guilty she's not going to just come out and tell you. People who cheat need BOTH people (spouse and OP) in their lives to be happy. Or they are afraid of leaving one of them. So they will pretty much lie their asses off to protect that arrangement. If this weren't true then they wouldnt' have cheated in the first place- they would have ended it with one person before starting up with the other. I really don't think
Jasmin1981 Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 One question- why does someone when confronted with proof- say a letter from another person, a receipt, a condom wrapper, something that you just KNOW they are cheating on. Why don't they just come clean then and end the relationship? Why do they continue to lie?
blue-eyes Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Again, thank you for having the courage to come here and share your insights with us. Sometimes I just think that, being the cheatee, these feelings are so overwhelming that it's helpful to gain perspective from the other side. My question to you is this: Does a cheater take pride in his actions? To give you some background, my now ex and I were in a LDR, and weren't going to see each other for 3 months. The distance worried me, but everytime I would say something he would always tell me that I hadn't anything to worry about; he loved me and no one else. So over those three months we talked almost everyday and I thought everything was going incredibly well (I am naturally pessimistic). When we finally did see each other again, he acted mostly fine. But the night before he had to leave to go back home, he starting to slowly divulge the truth of his actions (first it was that he was getting a lot of female attention, then that there was one particular person, then that she had asked him to leave me for her). In the end, he waited until he was 750 miles away from me to tell me that he couldn't be with me anymore and that, by the way, he had had a sexual relationship with his other woman (I'm incredibly conservative and don't believe in sex before marriage, so this was especially hurtful). And yet, he doesn't seem at all sorry about what he did. Even a little bit proud to be able to have two women at once. Do cheaters really get some kind of sick pleasure out of hurting the people who really do care about them-- as though they can say to themselves, "look how much I matter!"? In talking to some of the people who knew about this, they say that my ex wasn't even secretive about his cheating... he and the OW were ostentatious and physically affectionate in front of everyone. And yet he'd call me on the phone every night, say that he loved me, etc. I don't know... this just seems to be completely beyond me.
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