Is today THE day??

[justbeingme]

Hi all - been lurking here for a while and listening to all the advice....well I could use some right now.

 

My history is been married for 6 years (dating for 9 before that, since I was 15, him 19) so fairly long term. The thing is that I have come to realise I just don't feel the right way about him that I should do. He's a nice guy, no abuse or anything but there's no passion and for me I'm not sure there ever was. He always has to initiate sex and I go through the motions but there's nothing about it for me. It's so lame, I know but the issue of having kids has come up.

 

I always thought I wanted them but I realise I don't want them with him. He'd be a great dad and everything but I feel as though there should at least be some passion there before kids as it all gets much worse afterwards. I feel as though the divorce will come at some point and it's better if it comes now.

 

I'm just so scared of hurting him and all our families and friends. I don't want to hurt him but I know it's unavoidable.

 

I always thought I wasn't very interested in sex at all and that it was just me because he's always had to push for it and even on the few occasions I've instigated sex it's been a bit of a pretence. I am slowly coming to realise that it's just that I'm with the wrong person. I have feelings for other guys, just not him. I'd never cheat on him but I'm scared that's where I'll end up if I stay.

 

I'm psyching myself up to tell him I'm leaving and I think it might be tonight. Need some advice on how to do this because I'm so scared

[burning 4 revenge]

Well, you are doing the right thing in seeking a divorce rather than disrespect him with affairs and false pretenses. These kinds of situations are never easy, but right now you are approaching this thing correctly. He will be hurt, sure, but in the end you will both retain your diginity. You may have not control over your emotions, but you can maintain control of your dignity. Tell him now. It's good you waited until after X-mas, but now is the time if you're sure it's inevitable.

[justbeingme]

Thanks for your reply Burning. This is just how I feel. I really don't want to disrespect him and I guess I just have to accept this is going to be horrible and do it. So afraid of hurting people but I just have to stick to it. I am just so worried how he's going to take it.

[sb129]

You are doing the right thing if thats how you feel. Even though he will be very hurt, he will respect you more for being honest. Its also good that you haven't acted on your feelings for other people- it will make the breakup easier on him too. Would be worse if you had cheated.

It would also be much worse if you had a child with him. Babies are hard work and don't bring you closer together, they can cause even bigger rifts. And it would mean another life would be affected if you had a child, and eventually split up.

 

Its going to be tough, but in the long run you are doing whats best for BOTH of you- because it gives you a chance to find someone who you are passionate about, and sets him free to find someone who is passionate about him.

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[justbeingme]

Thanks for your reply. I just feel so sick about it. What am I actually going to say? After reading the posts on here, I feel so lame about the "not in love with you" line but essentially that's what it is. I don't have the love for him that a wife should have for her husband.

 

I can't bear how much this is going to hurt. He's a really great guy and this is going to devastate him. I feel like a real b1tch.

[sb129]

Just be honest. And you aren't a bitch! You obviously care about him alot. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Not married to but with a lovely lovely guy who I wasn't in love with.

Breakingup with him was very difficult, and we were both really upset. But we have a friendly relationship now, and he appreciates that I broke up with him before I cheated etc etc. That would have hurt him more.

 

I guess, given your history, that this is your first break up. So its going to be very tough for both of you. But being honest with yourself and with you husband is the best way.

Don't tell him about the sex thing. I think its best he doesn't know about that. Just say you don't feel the same way about him, and although you still love him, you don't think its right for the two of you to continue in your marriage because of how you are feeling.

Trust me, it gets better. No matter how much anything hurts and is hard, it gets easier with time.

Have you thought about the practicalities of what this will mean? Do you have a friend to go and stay with etc?

[justbeingme]

Thanks sb. I've given the whole thing so much thought that I've practically worked through every conversation I'll have to have with everyone and what I'm going to do from the minute I tell him.

 

I'm planning on throwing myself on my Mom who has plenty of room but will be so dissapointed in me and so upset because she loves my husband to death. It will be almost as hard dealing with her pain but I hope she'll be there for me. I wish I could talk this through with her because I need to feel I have someone on my side but can't say anything until I've actually done the deed in case I bottle it and it all gets even more confusing.

 

I know that however much it hurts, I'll be okay. Even if my decision ends up being wrong and I regret it, I'm prepared to live with that but I'm really worried he's going to take it badly. I don't mean that he'd do anything stupid. Not really, but he will be so devastated. We are the perfect couple. Not even so much as arguments or anything. Nobody is going to understand this, least of all him.

[sb129]

However much your mum loves your husband YOU are her daughter, and YOUR feelings should come first. Especially since you haven't done anything wrong. You need to emphasise this when you ask for her support. your happiness matters too. You are doing this for YOU not everyone else, and its none of their business. People don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and they are not in the marriage- you are.

Even 'perfect' couples split- quite often ones that DON't argue split because their feelings aren't aired regularly.

And yes, your husband will take it badly initially. But you can't change that unless you stay with him, and thats not what you want. Eventually he will come to see that being in a relationship with someone who isn't that into it is worse than no relationship at all. You are setting him free too... it will just take everyone else longer to realise that.

Stop beating yourself up so much. And if you need any more support, this place is great.

And good luck!

[justbeingme]

Thanks you so much for your advice. I know you're right. It just helps so much hearing that from someone else. I've just got to get it together and do this.

[MNo]

Hi,

 

I can tell you something from my experience.

 

I was where your husband is now. My wife just came to me one day and said, I don't love you, we cant be together, it is over, period. Just like that, no warnings, no talks, not telling me something is not right with her feelings. After 9 years of dating and 5 months of marriage. She took her things and went to her parents house. Got just one call from her when she wanted to pick some stuff she left in house. I contacted her 3 times, and every time it was worst than last. I never abused her, mistreated her, hit her or anything like that. I couldn't and still cant understand how could she do it like that. Its like she put an X over my name and I didn't exist anymore.I was devastated, didn't know what is happening and why.

 

I was just told that my marriage is over and was left with no hope or something I could do, helpless. Sudden death. She stopped every contact with me. Now imagine how I felt and how I feel now.

 

You are not responsible for your feelings, so don't feel bad about that, BUT you are responsible for your actions. I wouldn't be so much hurt if my ex just acted differently. What hurt me the most was the way she did it. I was thrown away like the old rag.

 

My advice for you is don't do it like my ex did. Talk to him nicely, and explain exactly and honestly what is happening. See how he reacts, than push it further.

 

Hope I helped you in some way

[Delarocha]

justbeingme, I agree with MNo...

 

I am in the same position as your husband as we speak. My wife came to me and explained that although she loves me and cares about me, she is not "in love" with me. Admittedly there is NO easy way to say what you have to say, BUT MNo is right, you can choose how to act. I'm not saying you string him along and make him think there is a chance for reconciliation (if there is not), but you can certainly explain your feelings. In all likelihood this won't be a huge shocker to him. He may ACT like it is at first, but eventually he will be forced to look at himself and ask himself if he has really been happy.

 

I'm sure that you have love for your husband as you would any friend. That is how my wife feels about me. I have gone through just about every emotion possible and in the end I don't blame myself for more than 50% of our marriage failing.

 

I feel that I too am a good person. I NEVER abused (physically or emotionally), I never cheated, BUT the one thing I did was ignore our problems. I am sure your husband can sense your feelings, but has been ignoring those feelings.

 

When in doubt, try honesty... You're doing the right thing, just do it the right way. (If you're not sure of what the right way is, just ask yourself "Will I be proud of my actions today when I look back tomorrow." If the answer is yes and you'd welcome anyone to see, you're going about it the right way.)

[justbeingme]

Thanks MNo. I read so many of these horrible stories about people who were once happy enough and had enough respect between them to get married and then end it in such misery. I always hoped I wouldn't be one of them.

 

My problem is that I just don't have any more explanations to give him. He's genuinely done nothing wrong. He's a great guy and I know he'd do anything to make me happy. It's just not a question of changing anything. I've got no complaints with the rest of our relationship apart from the fact that he's just not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. How do I tell him that without just sounding harsh, cold and unwilling to discuss it further? I've thought about all the ways I could do this, eg. by leaving a letter etc. and just rejected them straight off because I want to be as respectful of his feelings as I can about this but ultimately I'm doing something terrible and there's no way of helping that. Yuk

[sb129]

Don't leave him a letter! I think the others have given you some sound advice from the perspective of your husband. Don't cut him out completely, but try not to lead him on too.

Let us know how it goes.

[Gunny376]

justbeingmeThanks MNo. I read so many of these horrible stories about people who were once happy enough and had enough respect between them to get married and then end it in such misery. I always hoped I wouldn't be one of them.

 

My problem is that I just don't have any more explanations to give him. He's genuinely done nothing wrong. He's a great guy and I know he'd do anything to make me happy. It's just not a question of changing anything. I've got no complaints with the rest of our relationship apart from the fact that he's just not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. How do I tell him that without just sounding harsh, cold and unwilling to discuss it further? I've thought about all the ways I could do this, eg. by leaving a letter etc. and just rejected them straight off because I want to be as respectful of his feelings as I can about this but ultimately I'm doing something terrible and there's no way of helping that. Yuk

 

 

A lot of what is happening here is hormonal. My guess is that your in your mid to late twenties, or early to mid thrities. Your reaching your "sexual peak" as a woman, and your testertrone levels are increasing.

 

It almost predictable what's going to happen. You're going to divorce a otherwise good, loving man who's devoted to you, and who will be devasted, lost, dazed, and confused.

 

Eventually, you will get into other relationships, more than likely with men that are younger than yourself.

 

You may even get into another LTR with one of them, which will last about four years more or less ~ and then you will experience the same thing your expericing now with the DH.

 

Ref: Feb 2006 National Geographic Article: "Love The Chemical Reaction"

and

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

and

books referenced at the back of the above e-book, esprecially "The Alchemy of Love"

[Delarocha]

Don't leave him a letter! ...

 

Just for the record, when I told her to write a letter I meant write out her thoughts and physically READ them out loud to her husband. Sometimes in the moment we forget all of what we wanted to say, or the words just won't come out. This is something I often do so I don't forget anything.

[sb129]

Oh sorry- I meant don't write a Dear John letter. the kind of letter you mean is a great idea. Its always easier to write feelings without the other person in front of you, and then when they ARE in front of you you don't forget what you meant to say.