anora Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I have been struggling with this for some time now. I have spent many sleepless nights worrying and I hope there is someone out there to give some advice. I have been married for seven years. At the beginning of my marriage, after we had been together for a year and a half, we were having problems (stress over our jobs and financial pressure, thats all) so we separated. After we separated, I became involved with a married man, who told me that he too was having problems with his marriage and was about to end it. I was seeing him for about five months, until one day I saw a notice in a newspaper announcing the arrival of his first child. It was pretty much over then, and to add insult to injury when I confronted him about the lie and the house of cards that he built to protect it he told me that his mother had cancer and that if I told anyone about the situation then it would hurt her. It turns out that was another lie too. a couple of months later, my husband and I got back together, he never knew of this relationship, and I purposefully kept it from him becuase I was worried that he would think that was the reason for our initial separation, which it wasnt, but I knew he would think it was no matter what I said. We have been happy ever since but it has been hard work. Recently I found out some information about the MM that I was involved with, and since then I have been thinking of him a lot. I swing between hating him and wanting to hear from him, for what reason I dont know. I know that I am much better off with my husband, and I can see that the MM was a player of the highest order. He had his good moments though - especially when he sypathised with me about my marriage woes and came up with similar stories! (I know Im an idiot!!!) I just cant get over the fact that he is now apparently really happy with some kids and his wife, and I have to work so hard with my marriage. It borders on obsession, the jealousy. SO my question is, does the fact that I still think about this guy (good and bad thoughts) mean that I dont love my husband?
JamieB Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 No, I don't think it means you don't love your husband. It's just that you cared about someone else, too, and it takes a while to get over it. Accept the thoughts you have but don't allow them to overwhelm you. Ask yourself if these thoughts about MM are somehow a cognitive "escape" from your own reality. In my own experience and the experiences of a few close friends that are similar, this is exactly what it was for us. Think about what need the MM serves for you that your husband might not. Then try to think of ways your husband can better meet that need(s) so that you are less inclined to daydream about MM. Doing this sort of thing through therapy (alone) would even be more helpful because it would keep you accountable. Finally, whatever you do, don't ever, EVER put yourself in the position where you contact MM via phone, email, anything. Don't drive by his house. Doing these things is not helpful at all and will just prolong your pain and confusion. If you want to stay with your husband, you have to make that your priority and do everything you can to avoid contact with MM. Just understand that this process takes time. This was an experience you had in your life and it was significant, so it's unlikely to ever leave you completely. And that's ok, as long as you truly are committed to your husband and to making your marriage work.
Author anora Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 Accept the thoughts you have but don't allow them to overwhelm you. Ask yourself if these thoughts about MM are somehow a cognitive "escape" from your own reality. In my own experience and the experiences of a few close friends that are similar, this is exactly what it was for us. Think about what need the MM serves for you that your husband might not. Then try to think of ways your husband can better meet that need(s) so that you are less inclined to daydream about MM. Thanks for the reply, I have highlighted the bits from you email above because I think I need to clarify something. This is the weird part - I dont really want to hear from him because I like him and want to hear how he is going, I want to hear that he is miserable (because that was what he always used to say, that he was miserable with his wife and I took comfort from that) and I want to tell him that I am happy and have sorted out a lot in my life and have become a different person to what I was. I always thought that I must have come across as such a sad and dismal person, but he liked me anyway (or so I thought) and I have regretted that. I regret that i must have seemed desperate....its weird I still care what he thinks!! I know that this makes me sound like a really bad person. My thoughts always turn to envy, because I 'imagine' they have a great life. I just cant escape thinking of all the things he did, and I let him just slip away back to his life. I feel a great sense of injustice that I cant escape. could you define the therapy? that you were talking about - how do I do that?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Anora: there are alot of threads in the OW forum that might help you...you might want to read through them and post over there...there's several people in your same situation you might identify with and they can help you get through this...Sorry this is so hard on you...
in love with a T Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Well first I wanted to say Thank You to JamieB for your reply to this message! You helped me look at a situation I'm going through, that put some things in perspective for me! But to you Nora. I really think your continuing to beat yourself up over this guy! Like you strive on wanting to hear how bad he's doing! If you really love and want to be with your husband, then make it work! There was a reason why you guys got back together! Was is to get over this guy? Like a rebound? I think you should try really hard to make your marriage work with your husband if you want it to, and let this MM live happily with his wife and kids! I'm not trying to sound mean or rude, but you need to take time away from thinking about this man so much! Maybe things would get better for you and your husband!
Author anora Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 Anora: there are alot of threads in the OW forum that might help you...you might want to read through them and post over there...there's several people in your same situation you might identify with and they can help you get through this...Sorry this is so hard on you... I dont think I am another woman!! Do you see me as one?? I havent seen this guy in years, or spoken to him. I hear about him through others. for me -to be an OW means that I am having an affair with a married man and as I first posted clearly - I am not, and the time that he spent with me was by deception. I cant see that this would be any different if there was no other person (his wife) involved.....can you? The question was more about my marriage to my husband, and how the perception of the relationship is now interfering with my marriage, and how I can move on. in love with a T - You are kind of stating the obvious saying that you think I should focus on my marriage more, thats why I am here. I have stated in my first post that is why I am here, but saying that i should feel that MM deserves to be happy - well maybe, but this post is about me and my healing, my marriage and that doesnt help me much. I dont think that it would be normal to say that this guy treated me and his wife badly, lied appallingly....but shucks I hope that hes happy!
reservoirdog1 Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I just cant get over the fact that he is now apparently really happy with some kids and his wife, and I have to work so hard with my marriage. It borders on obsession, the jealousy. You have absolutely no way of knowing that he is really happy in his marriage, or that he doesn't have to work just as hard on it as you do on yours. Even if XMM came up to you and told you how ecstatic he was with his marriage, that doesn't mean it's true. Hell, my XW faked happy for seven years during my marriage and fooled a lot of people. Imagine how easy it must be for the XMM to fool you into thinking he has a great marriage, when you don't even see him anymore.
Author anora Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 thanks reservoir, that is true that I dont really know that, and to be honest I have never really considered that until reading your post. Its the classic "the grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome. after all if someone can lie about not having a wife whos pregnant and having a parent dying of cancer Im sure he could lie about being happy. did your wife fool you as well? if you dont mind me asking?
azera Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 I'm in the same boat as u except that I cheated on my husband for 4 months. When he found out I ended it. I find myself thinking about the OM all the time and I cant understand why. I love my husband very much and dont know why I'm so attracted to the OM.
Author anora Posted January 9, 2007 Author Posted January 9, 2007 JamieB really hit the nail on the head. I think that people end relationships because of realities and enter relationships because of fantasy. When the relationship has ended, then some of the fantasy remains - and more often than not, the 'thing' that we are attracted to is something different and removed from our everyday life. In my situation, it was a person who listened to me, had goals, ideas similar to mine. They are things that are easy to lie about, to deceive someone with. It is easy to tell someone what they want to hear. Whether they are things that I feel were/are missing in my relationship, maybe that is something I need to uncover. For me that is what I have missed, more so than the reality of the relationship, more so than the real person. I really dont have a great feeling inside when I think of him, but love the way he made me feel. thats the guts of it I guess. that is all easy to say and understand, but tough to convince your own mind. I do feel stupid for thinking about him so much, and for azera I have to say the thing that seems to work best is when I think of all the bad things he did/said, and most importantly how it made me feel and putting all those negative feelings to his face in my mind....I just have to work harder at it I guess. It also helps that I know that I live on the other side of the country now, and that all the faces I see in NYC everyday - none of them are going to be his...I'm not going to run into him around the corner, or hear from him.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 did your wife fool you as well? if you dont mind me asking? Yes, she had me comprehensively fooled. By the time the truth came out, I had a stack of cards from birthdays, V-days, Xmas, anniversaries, etc. telling me how lucky she felt being married to me, how we were soulmates, how much she was looking forward to our future together, blah blah f*cking blah. She was physically affectionate (though there wasn't nearly as much sex as I would've liked), only occasionally bitchy (usually one day a month...). The truth was that she'd spent the seven year marriage being a serial cheat, starting during the engagement. Now, I know I was pretty naive and somewhat blind, but like I said, if I could be fooled completely by somebody I was living with, imagine how easy it is to be fooled by somebody you never see anymore.
Sup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 Anora, have you ever thought about being honest with your husband about sleeping with someone else while separated? Let your husband have a choice with his life, because if he finds out, one way or the other they always do, your marriage will be over.
Author anora Posted January 12, 2007 Author Posted January 12, 2007 thanks reservoir for the honesty. It must have been tough for you, and I hope your ex feels guilty about wasting your lives together. It is her loss, anyone who gets involved with her, its their loss too - always a cheater.. Sorry if thats innapropriate to say. Some people are just good liars I guess, you wouldnt believe how the MM that I was involved with lied to me and how he set himself up with a web of deceit not to be caught by either party!! it is/was so hurtful, it made me so mad. And how he got away with it..he got what he wanted, when I discovered the lies, he just walked away, no apology, no explanation. Its like when I found out about his other life and the game was up, the chase and thrill were gone for him. I wouldnt want an apology now, but it revealed his true personality to me. Sup, I will never talk to my husband about the relationship. It was at a time that we werent speaking to each other, I have always respected his privacy about what he did with the time away from me, and he has never asked me about that five months.It would be like opening a pandoras box. I know I never loved the MM, thats why its not worth mentioning - it was lust and jealousy, infatuation maybe, not love. It was my husband that made me cry when he told me he still loved me, I never cried when I found out MM was a cheater and a liar, I was just mad with him and myself for being so stuuuuuuuupid!!!. If I had to choose between my husband and MM now, husband without a question....but I guess I would like to know more about why I have formed this habit of thinking about the MM. I wish I could train my mind not to!! anyone with ideas about that?
Sup Posted January 12, 2007 Posted January 12, 2007 One last thing, If your husband EVER asked what happened, would you tell him? If he found out? Why do I say that? Someone may have seen you together during that time, that's all.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 SO my question is, does the fact that I still think about this guy (good and bad thoughts) mean that I dont love my husband? I'd say that its normal to think about people you had been with...even wondering what they are doing. But since you think you are jealous...there might be a possibility you don't love your husband. Because after all, if you loved your husband, why would you be jealous of this other man?...especially since he is a player?
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