vedicsiren Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Hi I was in a relationship for about 6 months with MM who was married for 17 years with a son the same age. The wife finally confronted him about the affair and he went back to her, said he loved me very much, but had hurt her deeply and owed her a lot and needed to sort things out with her and help her get thru this painful period. I never ever thought I would ever be the OW, but life is funny, I fell in love and fell hard. For him, I think intially it was a physical attraction and I think he slowly started falling in love. We were very discreet, I was very very careful, but towards the last month I felt he was getting torn and wanted it out in the open, and conciously or subconciously left clues and or his behaviour, till his wife found out He went back to her, during this period, I had almost no contact with him, except on Valentine's Day he sent me a big bouquet of flowers. I couldn't forget him and couldn't date anyone else About 10 months later, I get a phone call from him saying his wife and him had decided to seprate and get divorced and he had moved out and was living by himself but had worked it out with his wife, so that the son spent part of the week with her and part with him..we tentatively started seeing each other again, but because of his son, whom he didn't want to hurt more. He never told the son about me. We saw each other nearly every day he wasn't with his son, it was a period of getting to know each other better. We travelled a bit, he slowly introduced me to his friends and I did the same. I didn't pressure him. He told me once the son goes to college, we would move in together, meanwhile he and his wife were trying to come to a finacial agreement before finalizing their divorce. A year later his son leaves for college and just as my lease ended, in the last minute he says he is not ready to move. I was angry because I never brought the topic up and he was the one who said he wanted to and convinced me. I let it go..saying it has been a dfficult year. He asks me to wait for 6 months, meanwhile he introduces me to his family and I do the same, we continue to spend more time together, everyone looks at us and says we are a match made in heaven. 6 months he does the same thing again, in the last minute just as my lease comes up, changes his mind about moving in together Meanwhile my rent jumped up tremendously especially since I had to take a short term lease. Now he says he needs another year. Last month he told his son about me, and the son had a hard time accepting it, his divorce will be finalized this month. We are together almost 80% of the time 4-5x a week, travel together, take our holidays together. We are both professionals, I support myself and financially though he is far wealthier then me, I hold my own and it has always been a 50-50 relationship, even when we had the affair. I have said I would like to children, I am 41 and he is 46, he has no objections, in fact he was the one who brought it up, said he would like to have a girl..but says he doesn't want to go through extraordinary means, if it has to happen it happens naturally or it doesn't. We have been trying for a year...nothing has happened. I have got myself checked out , but he hasn't He use to say he doesn't want to get married ever again, again I never brought up the topic first but was hurt when he said that. Though lately he has been saying he feels he will end up marrying me some day. I love this guy very much, but it has been 2 1/2 years (including the time of affair). Everything is still up in the air. We don't live together, but spend a lot of time together with really no concrete plan of any future. I feel , we both have been through a lot already, and for him coming out of a 17 year marriage with a son. But I am getting worn out, the first 1 1/2 years I had to defer everything to his schedule and I did it willingly I felt his son deserved the best his father and mother could give him given the circumstances of the seperation, but now it is has been 6 months since the son left for college in another state and still I feel I am in no man's land. I have passed up opportunities that would secure my personal future because that would mean I would have to move away and it would be difficult on the relationship, but there is no compromise from his end..how long to wait?
norajane Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 You're the only one who can figure out how long you're willing to wait, but first you need to decide what you're waiting for. Living together? Marriage? A child? Once you know what you want, then you have to tell him, give him some time to give some thought to what he wants, and then talk again to see if you two agree on anything, including a timeframe for it.
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I agree with Nora. No one can tell you how long to wait, only you know when you are tired of waiting. What I will say is he hasn't made any clear commitments to you. He says he'll "end up marrying" you "someday". That's a cop-out and you should call him on it. He has said that he doesn't want to get married again. I believe that is what he means at the time. Now he is talking marriage "some day" to placate you. Most women that date married men hope for marriage in the future, but a guy cheating on the one he is already married to is usually not looking to jump out of the pan into the fire, if you KWIM. If you can accept "shacking" for marriage, and the possibility of being childless, you will no longer be waiting, but accepting. Nothing wrong with that if it isn't totally against what you want for your life. If you absolutely want marriage and kids and all the legalities that come with it, then you will have to decide how long you can wait for him to get on the same page with you (which may not happen as he is about to get close to retirement age and his son is practically grown - he may not want to do that again and is afraid to tell you). Good luck.
scaredinlove Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Hi I was in a relationship for about 6 months with MM who was married for 17 years with a son the same age. The wife finally confronted him about the affair and he went back to her, said he loved me very much, but had hurt her deeply and owed her a lot and needed to sort things out with her and help her get thru this painful period. I never ever thought I would ever be the OW, but life is funny, I fell in love and fell hard. For him, I think intially it was a physical attraction and I think he slowly started falling in love. We were very discreet, I was very very careful, but towards the last month I felt he was getting torn and wanted it out in the open, and conciously or subconciously left clues and or his behaviour, till his wife found out He went back to her, during this period, I had almost no contact with him, except on Valentine's Day he sent me a big bouquet of flowers. I couldn't forget him and couldn't date anyone else About 10 months later, I get a phone call from him saying his wife and him had decided to seprate and get divorced and he had moved out and was living by himself but had worked it out with his wife, so that the son spent part of the week with her and part with him..we tentatively started seeing each other again, but because of his son, whom he didn't want to hurt more. He never told the son about me. We saw each other nearly every day he wasn't with his son, it was a period of getting to know each other better. We travelled a bit, he slowly introduced me to his friends and I did the same. I didn't pressure him. He told me once the son goes to college, we would move in together, meanwhile he and his wife were trying to come to a finacial agreement before finalizing their divorce. A year later his son leaves for college and just as my lease ended, in the last minute he says he is not ready to move. I was angry because I never brought the topic up and he was the one who said he wanted to and convinced me. I let it go..saying it has been a dfficult year. He asks me to wait for 6 months, meanwhile he introduces me to his family and I do the same, we continue to spend more time together, everyone looks at us and says we are a match made in heaven. 6 months he does the same thing again, in the last minute just as my lease comes up, changes his mind about moving in together Meanwhile my rent jumped up tremendously especially since I had to take a short term lease. Now he says he needs another year. Last month he told his son about me, and the son had a hard time accepting it, his divorce will be finalized this month. We are together almost 80% of the time 4-5x a week, travel together, take our holidays together. We are both professionals, I support myself and financially though he is far wealthier then me, I hold my own and it has always been a 50-50 relationship, even when we had the affair. I have said I would like to children, I am 41 and he is 46, he has no objections, in fact he was the one who brought it up, said he would like to have a girl..but says he doesn't want to go through extraordinary means, if it has to happen it happens naturally or it doesn't. We have been trying for a year...nothing has happened. I have got myself checked out , but he hasn't He use to say he doesn't want to get married ever again, again I never brought up the topic first but was hurt when he said that. Though lately he has been saying he feels he will end up marrying me some day. I love this guy very much, but it has been 2 1/2 years (including the time of affair). Everything is still up in the air. We don't live together, but spend a lot of time together with really no concrete plan of any future. I feel , we both have been through a lot already, and for him coming out of a 17 year marriage with a son. But I am getting worn out, the first 1 1/2 years I had to defer everything to his schedule and I did it willingly I felt his son deserved the best his father and mother could give him given the circumstances of the seperation, but now it is has been 6 months since the son left for college in another state and still I feel I am in no man's land. I have passed up opportunities that would secure my personal future because that would mean I would have to move away and it would be difficult on the relationship, but there is no compromise from his end..how long to wait? He left her for you, I would be happy with that alone. he is probably afraid that a committiment will damage your relationship.Marriage is not a easy thing, he is probably afraid that he will have to go thru all the painfull process again. Good luck.
PoshPrincess Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 It depends what you really want out of all this, ie what level of commitment you want. If it were me I would definitely want the 'living together'. I already have a child so that isn't really an issue for me but if this is something you seriously want you have to look at your relationship and decide which is more important. Is your man worth sacrificing motherhood for? I don't think you should necessarily look at marriage as serious commitment though, unless you are religious of course. Your man is likely to be very wary of making that commitment again after his first marriage failing. I feel the same after my R with my son's father failed and we had never even been married. I am really scared of committing to someone again for it all to go wrong, especially the thought of having another child, splitting with their father, and then ending up with two children from two different (and failed) Rs. I don't know you or your man obviously but maybe he needs more time to adjust. Hopefully the divorce will make things more final for him and help draw a line under everything. Best of luck. I hope everything works out for you.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I agree with the posters here...you have to decide what you really want and what you are willing to live with... I agree that he is probably not going to want M for a long time, if ever...If you are really wanting children, you need to have a heart to heart with him...and are you sure he hasn't had a vasectomy? Not trying to cast doubt or anything...but you need all the facts to be able to make an informed decision... Good luck...
Author vedicsiren Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 I want to thank all of you, for your kind advice and well wishes. I hoped things would fall in a logical pattern, we would move in together, get married and have a kid, even though in my heart I felt after what he has gone through....it would be asking for a lot I am not sure what I will end up doing, but whatever decision I make it will be the right one.
puddleofmud Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 You are both trying to get pregnant? This should be a joyful thing, don't you think, and nothing that "hinges" on anything else? I wish for you as a Mother to feel secure in your decisions, thus a healthy pregnancy and a beautifully healthy baby w/ both Mother and child having a healthy loving foundation. If this is what you desire than you are the only one who understands and knows what this "healthy foundation" is about. Never settle for less than your dreams...or anyone who would settle for less than what you really are about. If you wish to be a Mother than make that come true for you! Don't settle for less or anyone less! Not because you are 41, 31 or 21! This is YOUR LIFE--not a dress rehearsal--being mature means you have had some practice so go out there and make your dreams come true FOR YOU!!!!!!!! Have a baby, have three or four or have none and adopt a few or have none and volunteer at a pet shelter. Just do it YOUR WAY. The heck with anyone else! Kisses to you, sweetie!
Island Girl Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I agree with the other posters here, however, one thing that would be stuck in my mind is that he backed out of living with you at the very last minute twice. There is definitely a problem with communication. If he is feeling unsure about anything - ever - he should be able to talk with you about it before it comes to that point. Putting you in the position where you are relying on him, moving forward based on conversations you had together, and then pulling out at the last minute is not an indication of trust and effective communication. Not to mention you have been the one financially impacted by him not relaying fears he may be feeling. If you plan on waiting for him, you may want to get to the bottom of why he is not discussing his doubts, etc. before it gets down to the wire and get that resolved.
ratingsguy Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 ...you need to have a heart to heart with him... Hey GEL, it seems like you and I are always big fans of the heart-to-heart! lol I agree with GEL... you need to sit down with your man and effectively communicate what you want and need... after you've figured out what that is. Then be prepared to listen to what he wants and needs. If he doesn't tell you, ask him. If there isn't any parity, you'll need to find some middle ground and compromise, if that's at all possible. If it isn't, I hate to say it, but you'll need to start thinking about leaving this R, as painful as that may seem. But again, it all depends on what you want, need, and are willing to put up with. But I will admit, Island Girl makes a good point about your man changing his mind at the last minute... twice. That's not a good sign, but who knows. Good luck!
GreenEyedLady Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 The heart-to-heart is like a double edged sword...it gets the information you are needing with lots of tears... I'm such a cry-baby!!!
NightStarr8 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 He says one thing to you, his actions say another. The two of you aren't communicating and I'm sure over the past year and a half you have tried to find out what he's really thinking. I think you should both consider couples counseling and see what his reservations really are and if the two of you can work through them. If he's not willing to go, then I think you should start moving on with your life - stop turning down job opportunities, taking six months leases, etc... If he's ever ready to catch up, he'll find you - he's done it before.
movinon05 Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I agree with the last few posters. You have to get to the bottom of this. These last minute changes in decisions bother me the most.
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