PoohGirl Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I hope someone can give me some much needed advice..... I am 28 years old, and have been married to my husband since I was 19, and he was 20. I was engaged to another person before I met him, but it was a long distance relationship, and already strained because of never seeing eachother before my husband came along, so we called the wedding off, and after 3 months of dating, I married my husband. We are two totally different people, and I don't think we had enough time to figure out those kind of things before we married, after all, it was only 3 months. I am a social butterfly, love to go see new things, visit new places, and I have a very romantic soul. He, on the other hand would rather sit at home and stare at the wall than go anywhere or do anything. He has turned all of his friends away, and expects me to do the same with mine. He is a very hard worker, and has provided for me well over the course of our relationship, and I appreciate that very much. We tried to have kids for about 7 years, and I had to talk him into doing fertility treatments with me, none of which worked. Now he says he doesn't want kids, which is a heartbreaking thing for me to hear, since that is what I want. My family loves him, because he will drop what he is doing to be there for them, but on the other hand, when I need him, he is always too busy. He grew up in a very emotionally unstable family. The entire time I have known him, I have never heard his parents tell him that they love him, or eachother for that matter. They never touch, and don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. This has been a very hard thing for me to deal with, as I am a very affectionate and emotional person. I get none of that from him, we rarely even speak to eachother, unless we have mutual friends around that start a conversation. I am a very laid back person, and usually have a very cheerful disposition. My friends all say that he is like a grumpy old man, who is mad at the world. He is very un-friendly, and rude at times. He tells me all the time that I have mental problems because I complain about needing more from him than sex and money, and that I need to see a therapist because I'm loony. When i ask him if he truly loves me, he has to think for a minute, then always replies with "I don't know..... I think I do." I love him, and care deeply for him, but at the same time, I am growing more and more resentment in my heart towards him. We have had many many conversations about these problems, with them always ending in the fact that I am crazy, and him asking what I want him to do, because he can't change the way he is. I do not and have never claimed to be perfect by any means, but most of the time I cry myself to sleep, because my every thought is about him, and what will make him happy, and the fact that I give more love than I receive. I am getting tired, both physically and emotionally. I just don't know what to think or do. Is this worth me working my tail off for, when I will get nothing in return. Should I sacrifice myself for this, just suck up my feelings and pretend that everything is ok?
Guest Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 u know when someone keeps sending mixed signals - so the best thing is to back far away, and give them space [sorry i thought u were ready for the next step - my apologizes - rest and get better]
WhisperingWillow Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I'm so sorry you're going through this. In a lot of ways he sounds a lot like my ex husband, minus "I think I do". My ex was the same way as yours. Ran off all his friends, expected me to do the same, worked all the time, non romantic, and then I'd get the blame for being needy. I'm just like you. I eventually had to leave. No amount of anything was satisfactory for him. Nothing. He mostly wanted to work, take care of everything, and have sex. Which I did but I needed more. I'm emotional, loving, affectionate. You get the picture. I tried to get him to go into counseling with me as a couple. No dice. I tried to back off and just leave him be to see if he would change his tune, no dice. I tried many many many things. The problem was, as my counselor pointed out, that he was emotionally stunted. He came from the same kind of background your husband does. It was a horrible rollercoaster on my feelings and my heart. One in which I don't miss. It is funny though because it took me leaving for him to wake up and change. He still says he regrets it. After I left for many months he did various things for me that he should have done throughout our marriage. A little too little too late. You know the saying. My advice is, is it worth your self esteem, your dignity, and most important your emotional health? No. I would say not. You have no children, I know you said you love him, but sometimes love is not enough. He needs to provide for you in all areas not just one. So I say you need to have a heart to heart with him and tell him that if he can't change, if he can't go to counseling with you then ultimately you're leaving him. Tell him why too. You're not mentally unstable. You hang in there. It is a tough road to go but I can tell you I'm so much more happier for it and so are my kids.
IpAncA Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 My advice is marriage counseling if you both are willing.
JadeStar Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 "How do you tell when its not working anymore?" After you have tried everything there is to try. Including counseling. After you both have put forth effort after effort to make things work and you feel you're still in the same rut, and for what ever reason if its just not working out, then thats how you might be able to tell its not working, and time to move on.
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