temptris33 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Ok..I've had some problems with the bf. I just posted the other day on another problem and got some great answers. Looking at the entire relationship this morning and thinking of all the things that he has put me through for the last 3 1/2 yrs....I am just sick of it all. My question to you is this: How long do you wait in a relationship for some form of "future"commitment? Here's the short version of "us": He is 28 and I am 38. Age is not a problem for him at all and never had been. I have three kids, my own business and two cars. I live in an apartment and not in a house....yet I've been on my own since I was 17. never counted on anyone but myself. He comes down to my house almost every night. I cook for him and all that and just make him feel loved. It's always been like that. He had recently lost his dad and moved from the shop where he lived (rent free cuz parents own it) to his moms house. He just moved his stuff there. he stays with me most nights. I am at the point where I want more. I have always thrown ideas at him of maybe moving in together (for real) or buying a house together and he has always said no. i have been thinking about this for the past month and its been bugging me. He never really says "Us" or "when we do this in the future" and it's usually "when I do this" or "when YOU do this"...SOOO always an excuse. This morning I asked him. Do you see us together in the future other than what we are now. He PAUSED and said yes. I asked him why he always turns down offers to rent a house together (knowing that they are going to up my rent ski high where I am at and I thought moving in together would help us both instead of me doing it alone altho he's here every night) and yada yada yada...his reason: He has seen me make some stupid mistakes in the past (bought an outrageously expensive car that I pay on each month and its hard sometimes) ...finances. He said he wants to zero things out (been hearing this for over a year and he just paid off his truck) and have a reserve in the bank( about 10,000) and just be able to provide and can't do that right now. I DON"T WANT HIM TO PAY MY BILLS~ MY KIDs dad pays support too. I just love him and want to share a life with him. I went to my dad and asked a guys perspective. He said that I have already waited to long and that he is always thinking of excuses as to why he cant do something. He said that he has it made living rent free (with mom when not with me) and no responsabilities that way, and that I should move on cuz what he is saying is just an excuse and I will probably never get any other commitment out of him other than what we are now....boyfriend /girlfriend. And he doesn't have any of his stuff here so he doesn't 'live" here. So, my question goes out to as many people that will answer me. Especially guys but would like a girls opinion too. How long is to long to wait for the next step? I'm not even talking marriage here....could be just living together. HELP Do you think I am waisting my time with him and should move on?
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 You need to come right out and tell him what you want out of the relationship, then ask him what he wants. Give him some time to think (meaning if he says he's unsure, tell him to take some space and figure it out) about it. It just seems he's happy the way things are. Some questions for you. Does he treat you well? Do you feel loved and needed by him? Is he loving and a father figure to your kids? Does he want his own children one day, are you willing to have more kids? Until you talk to him about this stuff, your life will feel in limbo. Sometimes men need to be hit by a 2x4 before they "get" it and can see the full picture. You need committment from him...
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I went to my dad and asked a guys perspective. He said that I have already waited to long and that he is always thinking of excuses as to why he cant do something. He said that he has it made living rent free (with mom when not with me) and no responsabilities that way, and that I should move on cuz what he is saying is just an excuse and I will probably never get any other commitment out of him other than what we are now....boyfriend /girlfriend. And he doesn't have any of his stuff here so he doesn't 'live" here. I totally agree with your dad. You've already waited too long. The finances are an excuse - he's been living rent free for how long and he still has debts that he needs to "zero out"? Since he spends every night with you, sounds to me like he won't move in with you because it won't be rent free, like his mom's house or the shop his parents owned. Ick. Time to move on, sweets. You need a man, not a child who's still living off his parents.
Author temptris33 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 He knows how I feel. He knows what i want. He's known for a long time. i dont nag about it. i do talk about it once in a while. He treats me okay. There are things that he does than doesn't show alot of respect for my feelings. He can go off somewhere for hours and I cant get a hold of him...kind of disregard for my feelings at times. He is not a father figure to my kids. He comes over and beelines for my room to watch tv and doesn't really sit down and communicate with them (make the effort). They are 12 and 13. We've done maybe three or four things with them as a group in the past 3.5 years. He said that he doesn't want kids. I told him that I would have one with him if thats what he wanted one day. (time limited ;-)
Author temptris33 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 I totally agree with your dad. You've already waited too long. The finances are an excuse - he's been living rent free for how long and he still has debts that he needs to "zero out"? Since he spends every night with you, sounds to me like he won't move in with you because it won't be rent free, like his mom's house or the shop his parents owned. Ick. Time to move on, sweets. You need a man, not a child who's still living off his parents. True. He is immature. His dad died about three weeks ago. He shot himself at the shop and my bf found him. So, he doesn't want to stay there anymore. His parents house is just down the road so he moved his things (clothes, a tv and an ex box and misc boxes) to his moms. So, would that be considered "moving in there"? I kind of think so. It's hard to let someone go that you love but I'm not getting any younger (that's not really an issue but you get the idea). He makes 750.00 a week. It's not like he's broke. And now that he's getting his dads business (already what he does but now he will be sole owner) he will be financially set. I dont' know what to do. Should I just set a time limit in my head or cut my losses now and slowly disappear and get busy with my life?
Author temptris33 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 Do you feel loved and needed by him? Ihe QUOTE] I feel that he loves me. I don't doubt that. I do doubt the kind of love at times. I am just feeling like, Yes he loves me but maybe I'm not the one that he wants to be with in that way because of the baggage. I do feel needed by him sometimes. He will come down and want to snuggle cuz he's feelin' "needy" he says. He called me to be with him when he found his dad. So, yes, SOMETIMES I do and most times I don't.
norajane Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 Sorry, but I'd dump him now, and never look back. I can't handle irresponsible men at all. In fact, I have no respect for them and do not enjoy being in their presence. Gives me the creeps. If he can't be bothered to take care of himself, and if he can't be bothered to step up and be there for you, and if he can't be bothered to get to know your children after 3 years of being with you...if watching TV is all he wants to do at your house, if he's 28 and can fit his whole life into a few boxes plus a TV and Xbox...he's not worth my time.
Author temptris33 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 You are right. Although he is responsible in the "financial" way but has no other responsabilities other than that and his business. He is a work aholic and great at what he does, but he had lived at the shop the entire time that I have known him. In a one room, no toilet (outside and downstairs) and no kitchen (other than the one outside and downstairs in the office) place that he called home. I guess that's ok for a single guy but then again....in a sense living off of his parents. I know that people aren't the same and I shouldnt compare but I have to. they are so similiar in personalities....my bf mentions that he doesn't want to do the moving in thing or house buying thing until he has yada yada in the bank or whatever and all that....his best friend met this girl ( I became friends with her) and he fell in love with her. They've been dating about 7 months. She has three kids...all girls and ages from 2 to 8 and doesn't have a pot to piss in yet struggles with her job and taking care of them. Her boyfriend ( my bf's best friend) is living at his parents house and he works. He barely makes ends meet because of his truck payment and such...the point: He wants to marry her and be with her and they talk about it all the time. He doesn't care that he doesn't have it financially together..she did tell him he had to move out of mom and dads, get a better job and she would be with him like that. He's trying to do it all for her. He loves her girls. he even takes em to the movies alone (without her) to give her a break. He is in their life. Believe me I have seen him in a new light now. This isn't the same guy I met a few years ago. So, what the hell is wrong with me?
norajane Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 So, what the hell is wrong with me? The only thing wrong with you is that you're hung up on this guy whom you'd be better off dumping. Why? Why is he important to you to have in your life?
Author temptris33 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 That's a good question and I don't freakn know. It's more than "cuz I love him"...I am sooooooooo physically attracted to him its crazy. I've never been like this before. I could always take em an leave em. I do love him and all that stuff but maybe cuz of the security that he brings me when he is with me...the security that I have someone...that sounds lame. that's such a great question and I have no clue as to why he is important to be in my life....
norajane Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 The security of having someone...so that's why you're pushing to move in together or get married. It's better than feeling alone, yeah? Add the chemical attraction and it's way better than feeling alone. And a lot more fun. It's ok to settle for that for a while, but he's not the kind to settle down with. Ultimately, he can't give you the kind of security you want - the kind that comes from being part of a team, a partnership.
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 I have no clue as to why he is important to be in my life.... "...I am sooooooooo physically attracted to him its crazy. I've never been like this before There's your answer. And with that, you're not thinking too clearly. I don't mean that in a bad or mean way...It's just that you say he isn't a father figure to your kids AND he doesn't show you alot of respect. Let me ask you this. If the sex wasn't hot and amazing, would you still be trying to hang on to someone who really doesn't seem too interested in settling down and having responsibilities, being committed? Think about this answer honestly, maybe once you see things in a different light you'll feel abit differently about the relationship in general.
Author temptris33 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 You're right. I have to think of it that way. He's so gorgeous to me and I love so many things about him and if I may....the physical stuff with him is good and all that but mostly it's him doing his thing and leavin me hanging...u know what I mean? I rarely get the benefits of other things if you know what I mean on that ;-) So, it's not the sex part on whole. It's the physical beauty of him and the way I realize how much I love him every time I look at him. I sound so cornball right now. I can HONESTLY say that I love him more than I have ever loved another man. We have fun together and have gone through some pretty tough things together. I do need to look at the entire picture. You are so right. It's hard. I think he knows that he's about to lose me. Last night we talked a little and he knows where I am coming from. It's time for him to fess up if it's me he wants to be with or not. He realizes that something is wrong and asked me before he left this morning if I still loved him.
Recommended Posts