rocket3425 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Anyone and everyones input is greatly appreciated. I'm a 30 year old man and I've been in a long distance relationship with a 31 year old woman for almost 2 years. We met on a blind date set up by childhood friends of ours. From the moment we met we hit it off and saw something in each other that propelled us to make the sacrifices to maintain a long distance relationship with each other over a distance of 300 miles. We talked on the phone daily and tried to go no longer than 2 weeks at a time with out seeing each other. During the course of our relationship we also spent several weeks together and extended time with family and friends. I also felt we had open communication regarding what we wanted out of our relationship. We both found we had a lot in common and we were open and honest about our differences in religion and my desire to someday own a dog, but we respected each other and both agreed they weren't an issue for either one of us. She was very clear that she was looking for a partner in dating me and if we weren't looking for the same thing we shouldn't be wasting each others time. Several times during the course of our relationship I was reminded of that point by her and every time she talked to me about this she cried at the thought of us not being together. I came to agree I was looking for the same thing in her, but made the point of telling her it would take longer for us to get to know each other because of the distance factor. Eventually we both grew to agree we loved each other. From that time, things began to get more serious regarding future plans. As we discussed these things I realized we were dealing with bigger challenges than the distance. My situation is that I have a solid job that pays well and I've been bound to complete a project I've been working on for a couple of years and I was also tied down with some medical insurance issues. Her situation is she dislikes the town she lives in, owns a house and has renters. She very burnt out with her day job as a teacher and dislikes her career choice intensely, however, in addition to her day job she works in a part time job 15 - 30 hours a week and enjoys it. Early on in our relationship she had interest in moving closer to me, however, about a year in she expressed a desire to move out of the Midwest. And as we continued to date more, she sat me down and asked me if I would be willing to move with her. I seriously thought about whether or not it was worth it on my end, I weighed what I'd gained by having her in my life against what I'd have without her and I chose her. My frustration was in not knowing when, or where, or how we'd come together? But I made it obvious I was in, by letting her know I was putting off starting on an MBA this fall until we moved. All I asked is that the decision be made on both of our parts and we sort of left it at we'd make the decision at a later time when we were closer to meeting our personal obligations to our mployers. So we agreed to start looking at opportunities the beginning of next year and she started to look into selling her house. In the months that followed our relationship continued to grow and we spent more time with family and friends and she continued to tell me she loved me. A couple months ago I even went on a family vacation with her family and by the things that were done and said I felt our relationship was still growing. We even spent some time looking at some travel guides we acquired for some of the locations we talked about moving to. In the month since that time, the wheels seemed to start to come off of our relationship. We both had more stress in our personal lives. Her with her school job starting back up, more part time work hours, and the loss of some loved ones and for me my job became more hectic. I could feel her tension on the phone, conversations were shorter and her tone was different. I was frustrated with my own problems, but I was even more frustrated that I couldn't be there for her. We saw each other though for 1 night 3 weeks out from our vacation and it was obvious how exhausted she was. The following week I made a 7 hour drive to attend her best friends wedding and I could tell she wasn't exactly herself, but I didn't think it had anything to do with me until we spoke on my return home and she started to talk about her frustration over the distance and the drive. I was frustrated too and felt like I had to do something since I couldn't be there in person. So I sent her some flowers the next day and later in the week I mailed her some information on jobs possibilities for both of us and some of the locations we spoke of moving to in hopes that it would make her look forward to the future. But unfortuantely, I opened up a whole can of worms I never saw coming. She told me she thought I was trying to make her mind up for her and then I got a bunch of different reasons regarding how I was changing myself and giving things up to move with her. All these things made my head spin, because it felt like she couldn't except the decisions I made in my own life to be with her after all this time. I reassured her that I felt blessed to have her in my life and asked her what she wanted out of the future and she told me she didn't know what she wanted out of life and she was scared. And then she told me our relationship needed a break but and that we were still dating. After that I showed her nothing but respect and told her I supported her need to sort out her feelings and that I didn't want to be with someone who had doubts in me. I had no contact with her for 2 weeks besides a card I sent apologizing fro the misunderstanding with the job info I sent and telling her I was there for her and that she had to find the answers in her own time. The next time I saw her was when she made a 5 hour drive to see me for a preplanned event.We spent the whole weekend together and despite a noticibale tension on the first day, things went as well as they could up until the time she left, we danced the night away at the wedding and were intimate when we got back to our hotel for the night. When we finally talked about us before she left, I started to hear the same things I heard before when this break first started and then I heard something entirely new along the lines of “I got cold feet,”, "how do I know you're the one?," “how do I know you’re the right person for me,” and "how do we know how well we're going to get along since we haven't lived the day to day?" I didn't know what to say except we've never even had a fight, I've always treated you well, I am who I come across as, I won't let you down, I feel like I’ve grown by being with you, and I want to be there for you and make things easier. She told me she just needed to be alone and expressed concern that I was putting my life on hold while she figured this all out. After the conversation, things were left on a break still dating and I was told I love you and I care about you. We kissed goodbye and I didn't talk to her for another week or so. We didn't have any contact from that time except for some flowers I sent on Sweetest Day which at first pissed her off (looking back I know it was a bad idea) then we spoke on the phone and she said thanks and told me that she wanted to send me a card because she knew how tuff all this was on me. I told her it wasn't necessary and told her that she shouldn't have to feel like the weight of the world is on her shoulders and that she knew what she had in me, she got choked up and said the flowers were beautiful. So I left another 2 sleepless weeks elapse and then I finally contacted her and told her of an opportunity I had to work with my firm closer to her that would allow us to see each other more. And then she closed the door in my face and said it didn't matter because she doesn't want to be with anyone at all and she needs to figure out what she’s going to do with her life. I felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. She told me that because of the distance it felt like our relationship had grown more into a friendship and she doesn’t need anyone to be there for her because she can take care of herself like she always had. She also made a comment that really got under my skin. She said she thought about ending our relationship last winter, but I told her it made no sense in that she told me she loved me last winter and with all of the talk in the past she’s had with me and with our friends and all of our alone time we’ve had up until the break and during, this made no sense to me. She also said that all the conversations in the past about moving and the future was just talk and that we didn't communicate the best. I never once said anything about getting engaged and I didn't even think it was an option until we spent more time together. She made it clear she wanted to be alone. I groveled a lot and looking back regret it a bit because up until this time I showed nothing but class. I told her that one day I had hoped to marry her after we finally put the distance behind us and that she had brought so much happiness into my life. She told me she loved me and that I was a special person in her life. Despite how things were left, she called me a few days later with nothing new to add, just small talk and to see how I was doing. I told here I couldn't have small talk with her given my future changed 3 days earlier. I called her out on our relationship growing into a friendship and told her I refused to accept the idea that she was stringing me along this whole time through all the sacrifices we’ve both made to be together. And then she broke down and told me that not being ready for a commitment was a big part of this. I told her I loved her and loved her family and that it was ok if she was happier not dating me. I also told her she needed to find a way to be happy with herself before she can be happy with someone else. We left things at agreeing to meet up sometime over the next couple of months to see each other. Since then 2 months have passed and I've made zero contact I've learned a little bit about her past through her best friend who introduced us. She confirmed there wasn't another guy in the picture. And where it stands now she's going to put her house up for sale this spring and is still soul searching as to where to move to and what to do with her career. I've learned that the changing and giving up things to be with her has been a concern in past relationships. And I've also learned that the commitment and settling down thing was a topic she discussed with her friends a couple months before the break. Her friends told her how lucky she was to have someone like me in her life and how they wish they could find the same. I'm still baffled by this whole thing. I feel like she's hiding behind the distance and is just playing it safe. How did we get here? How did she get so confused and overwhelmed all of a sudden? Why after all that time was she not willing to take a chance to at least see where things could go and to get to know me better through the day to day? Was I too supportive because I felt responsible for unknowingly adding pressure to her life regarding moving, and career, and comitment? Could this come back around? I've done the improve myself thing. I've gone out on dates with a bunch of different girls but still think of her every single day and even find myself waking up in the middle of the night sometimes, I've hit the gym hard lost 20 lbs and still losing, and I've been reading up a lot. Now I'm considering making contact again since I shut it down and I'm wondering when would be a good time and how? I did my damdest to avoid contact with her over the holidays. Our aniversary is later this month and then comes Valentines Day. Her being very independent and stubborn leaves me to believe the only way contact will be initiated again is if I do it. So for anyone who's read this novel, thank you very much. Your insight would be greatly appreciated. I love her dearly and despite all of this confusion and heart ache I feel like this is worth fighting for.
coastallinguist Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I tell ya... I think women give us a window of opportunity. It's a tendency for them to "test" their men and to try to see if we can understand their hints and cues. Often enough, we fail those tests because they shut down real direct communication and don't say exactly what it is that they want. I've had a similar situation to yours develop and it went from her not wanting to leave, to asking me to find a way for us to be together, to getting frustrated with the relationship, giving up and seemingly falling out of love with me. I've heard a million reasons... so I don't know what to think...Now, 90 days apart is more than what you've had to deal with. But she had expressed a desire to marry me, to live together, all of it. I don't know how you get a woman back. I think she really has to be okay with herself before she can be okay coming back into a relationship. You'll probably have to recreate the things that made you fall in love the first time, or find new things. Start over would be my best guess. Treat her like the attractive woman that she is, but don't bring up old stuff. Don't put pressure on her. Just be good to her, and be attractive. If it's there... it's there.
Author rocket3425 Posted January 9, 2007 Author Posted January 9, 2007 I think you hit the nail on the head with the window of opportunity concept, I guess a huge factor in me dealing with this is getting past the idea that I blew my window of opportunity. I try to cope by thinking I would be dealing with this all the same even if I was able to move and we both lived in the same area code. So any advice for making contact again? I know I have to eat all these feelings I have churning inside of me and put aside any resentment I have about her talking about moving without me. Is an email appropriate or does a guy just call to say hi? My pride was damaged pretty hard when she walked away and I sort of fear the idea of looking like a smuck. I do have a few of her things as does she of mine, but I'd hate to use that as a topic of conversation. Where do you stand with your situation? I tell ya... I think women give us a window of opportunity. It's a tendency for them to "test" their men and to try to see if we can understand their hints and cues. Often enough, we fail those tests because they shut down real direct communication and don't say exactly what it is that they want. I've had a similar situation to yours develop and it went from her not wanting to leave, to asking me to find a way for us to be together, to getting frustrated with the relationship, giving up and seemingly falling out of love with me. I've heard a million reasons... so I don't know what to think...Now, 90 days apart is more than what you've had to deal with. But she had expressed a desire to marry me, to live together, all of it. I don't know how you get a woman back. I think she really has to be okay with herself before she can be okay coming back into a relationship. You'll probably have to recreate the things that made you fall in love the first time, or find new things. Start over would be my best guess. Treat her like the attractive woman that she is, but don't bring up old stuff. Don't put pressure on her. Just be good to her, and be attractive. If it's there... it's there.
coastallinguist Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I don't really know where I stand. I get mixed messaging from her and I think part of what's hard is there was a time when it seemed like we both really believed in a future for us... not just because of love, but because of our personalities, our goals... all of it. I'd say... she walked away from you. If you really need to get those feelings out... write them down, then burn the paper you wrote it on. Move forward in your life like she's not going to be there, have fun, remind yourself of old friends and favorite activities that got lost in the process of falling in love. You never mean for that to happen, but it does. If you must contact her... be cordial and businesslike (at the same time, yes it's possible) in your approach. Women can reason with us. The same can't be said of us with them. I say you walk away with your head held high.
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