guenniverre Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If you are in a deep friendship with someone, someone who you like, who likes you enough to push to be with you, should you consider cooling it every couple of days just to keep the intensity alive until a real relationship is formed? I know, I know, if the feelings are genuine, why should you want to, right? But it seems to me, as I have gotten older, that those type of relationships burn fast, when they start out so ardently and you guys are always around each other....I dont want this to happen in this case. I have too much riding on it. I want to know if I should back off every now and then from my guy friend who is pushing to be with me. He wants to be with me, and I want to be with him, but I am trying to take it slow and not so obvious. He is more blatant and obvious than I am, and more affectionate. He thinks that I dont feel the same but I do. I just dont want to go rushing into anything too fast. So, when he asks to hang out, and we have been everyday for a week, is it a good idea to back out, and tell him that you have other plans (even if you dont) just to give it a rest for a bit, so things dont die out so fast? Guys, how would you feel about this? And what would you think of a girl who did this?
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If you're hanging out every day, maybe you should actually MAKE some plans and do something besides spend all your time with him! I agree you can burn out if you spend all your time together. It works now, because you're not actually dating or having sex - meaning, he still is trying to win you over. But once you start dating, it's too much togetherness. Every day should be reserved for people who are living together or married, or have been seriously dating for a long time.
Author guenniverre Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 maybe you should actually MAKE some plans and do something besides spend all your time with him! Thanks Nora! But here's the thing...I think he interprets this as me bailing out on him. He just pushes back to spend at least a little bit of time together that day instead of no time at all. I do want to be around him, so much, but as I said, I am concerned with this whole thing burning out. I caught myself yesterday and the day before longing to be around him when I had just seen him 20 minutes ago. I dont want to be in that predicament. I dont want to fall too fast and too hard. It is an absolute must that I take my time with this one, but I dont want him to get the wrong impression. And yes, I have already told him I want to take things slow and he agreed as well, but we have been doing anything but. We arent having sex, but we do fool around. It just seems that we are around each other way too much and we arent even together yet. It works now, because you're not actually dating or having sex - meaning, he still is trying to win you over. Thats what I mean, I know he is still in that stage of trying to win me over, but I dont want him (or I) to get too comfortable. I dont want to get "won over" yet. I want him to still yearn for me. This is a must! How do I make that happen, but not hurt his feelings? He percieves me not wanting to hang with him as blowing him off because I dont like him....its not true. How do I still keep the mystery yet not hurt his feelings?
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Well, I'm sorry, but he sounds way too clingy if he feels hurt just because you want a day away from him! Doesn't he have a life? Friends? Family? Hobbies? Why should he feel hurt? All you're doing is taking time to have a life. If he's hurt by you wanting to spend a single day without him, that would be a red flag to me.
Author guenniverre Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 If he's hurt by you wanting to spend a single day without him, that would be a red flag to me. in what way?
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Clingy, needy, possessive, easily hurt, too sensitive, has no life of his own, will smother you, will make you feel bad if you just want to go out to dinner with friends without him, is controlling and/or manipulative, hs little respect for your feelings and how you want to live your life and spend your time, puts too much pressure on you, relies on you for his happiness when his happiness should come from within, will become suspicious and jealous of any time you spend away from him, will accuse you of cheating, will make you feel guilty for wanting to do something for yourself, will eventually BORE you since he has no life of his own, it's all about HIM...
Sand&Water Posted January 5, 2007 Posted January 5, 2007 RE: First of all, I believe you should calm down. Don't fret, Guenniverre. Worrying about the entire experience from the slightest composure to the grandest date-failure is intoxicating, especially in the early stages. I believe you are doing good. You choose the pace, and IF you wish to draw-back from the romantic bonding then that is acceptable. The right man, will absolutely not object to your request. He should be willing to accept your proposal -i.e. your tendency to pull out from the dates and/or affection. I do believe you can improve on the situation. Be yourself, but do be open to him about your feelings -not necessarily in a blunt manner. Just lead him into the den, but place your own boundaries as well. Slow and steady wins the race -or the love. Let him earn his way through to you. IF he doesn't appear to understand your specific needs, and is displaying a lot of clingy-ness then either proceed to go separate ways or withhold [you becoming more attached to him] and see how far he is willing to go to appease you [ -that is IF you are head-over-heels in like with him]. Best of Luck. Sand&Water
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