Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Call me a pessimist but I really don't see the need for it. When someone says they want closure, I think it's only a veiled attempt at reconcilliation. This especially applies if there was name calling, physical abuse/threats, hurtful outbursts at the end-who cares if it was great 80% of the time. IMO, the former is what I would want to remember about that person. THAT would be my closure. I don't want anymore contact or closure on why he/she did that--is there any reason good enough? I don't want to remember the good 80%-I'd want to remember the bad about that person, because that's what's f#cked up about the relationship! And for the relationships that slowly dwindle where it's not volatile, but just a slow dissipation of feelings, even if one sided-why the need for closure? The dynamics between the two just isn't working. Time to move on! I see a lot of disscusion on closure.....just not seeing the point in it. I think closure just sucks you right back into the relationship.
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I agree with you completely. I believe that closure is just a way for someone to hopefully reconnect with someone else. I never thought about the, see them at their best, thing. You're right, you don't want to remember them as this nice, sensitive person who cared about your feelings. And, yes, do you really want to hear why they broke up with you? Do you need to know that you were weak, clingy or that there was someone else that they connected better with? In my mind there is no answer that they can give you that will satisfy you at all. Finally, how can you get over someone if you are putting yourself in a situation where you will see them again? For me, that would just make me miss them again and secretly hope that there is a possibility of reconciliation. In the end I would be sitting by the phone once again waiting for their call. You are 100% right. Closure is overrated!!!!
PandorasBox Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I see a lot of disscusion on closure.....just not seeing the point in it. I think closure just sucks you right back into the relationship. Nothing sucks you back into anything unless you allow it too. I also think that if closure is not something that works for some, then thats fine. People have to do what they feel is best for them. Closure might work for some people and some it may not. Closure to me, would mean the final end of of something that needs to be made peace with or laid to rest. Its also all in what closure might mean to a person, It can mean different things for different people.
miss snoopy Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I think it depends on the relationship. I asked for closure from one ex a few years ago. We agreed to have a 3 month cooling off period with no contact, and for the first month I ached and obsessed, 2nd month less so and the day I met him, I couldn't believe this was who I'd been obsessing about. He took me for a 3 course lunch and after the main course I realised I couldn't even bear his company so I made an excuse, left and that was it. I stopped thinking about him from that point and was ready to move on. My healing won't have been so complete had I not had that meeting. But in some cases it only prolongs things, I agree.
PandorasBox Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Sometimes closure is not alwys about asking forgivenss from someone or talking to them about whatever happened or went wrong. Sometimes closure can be found in the heart and mind, finding inner peace within yourself for whatever may have happened in a situation. Sometimes just moving on with what you need to do, no exchanging or words etc, is closure enough for some.
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Sometimes closure is not alwys about asking forgivenss from someone or talking to them about whatever happened or went wrong. Sometimes closure can be found in the heart and mind, finding inner peace within yourself for whatever may have happened in a situation. Sometimes just moving on with what you need to do, no exchanging or words etc, is closure enough for some. IMO, Pandora, what you described IS closure. Anything that requires input from the other party is NOT closure. Closure is a conclusion that you come to in your own heart and mind. Letting go. It doesn't require any input from the other party. I learned this when I lost my Dad to cancer. I couldn't talk to him to get closure. I've preached this for years but until I actually lost a loved one it never hit home as much as it does now. Closure is something you get for yourself, not from anyone else.
PandorasBox Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 IMO, Pandora, what you described IS closure. Anything that requires input from the other party is NOT closure. Closure is a conclusion that you come to in your own heart and mind. Letting go. It doesn't require any input from the other party. I learned this when I lost my Dad to cancer. I couldn't talk to him to get closure. I've preached this for years but until I actually lost a loved one it never hit home as much as it does now. Closure is something you get for yourself, not from anyone else. Yep this is how I see it as well. Its something I find from within, not from anyone else.
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I don't want to remember the good 80%-I'd want to remember the bad about that person, because that's what's f#cked up about the relationship! Isn't that your closure ?? So it can't be all over rated then. Not everyone can do what you do and shut off your emotions at the time of a breakup.. We are all a product of our environments and all have baggage and it is that baggage that affects how we deal with breakups and emotions. I am one that would rather feel the pain and work thru it than stuff it inside because if someone stuffs their pain and emotions sooner or later it is all gonna come out.. maybe in a negative manner.. For example.. maybe because you move on quickly that you bring old hurt to new relationships.. or maybe it comes out in interpersonal relationships with family or spending, Alcohol abuse etc etc..
Mollyanna Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I consider my closure as taking back control of myself. I did this with D last night. I haven't felt this good in a long long time. I told him I was not feeling sorry for him anymore, that I deserve much better than what he has been giving me, and I named off many examples of how insensitive and hurtful he has been to me lately. I gave him some suggestions on how to change his life and then I wished him well. He was taken back by the power I suddenly had to walk away from him. When he said he would call me next week, I told him not to bother - that I cannot be his friend right now. Today he called and I thought I would cave but I listened to his message, called him back with a very short answer, in a very monotone, uncaring voice and I said goodbye. no lingering. To me, the closure was taking back my power.
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Isn't that your closure ?? So it can't be all over rated then. Not everyone can do what you do and shut off your emotions at the time of a breakup.. We are all a product of our environments and all have baggage and it is that baggage that affects how we deal with breakups and emotions. I am one that would rather feel the pain and work thru it than stuff it inside because if someone stuffs their pain and emotions sooner or later it is all gonna come out.. maybe in a negative manner.. For example.. maybe because you move on quickly that you bring old hurt to new relationships.. or maybe it comes out in interpersonal relationships with family or spending, Alcohol abuse etc etc.. - It's entirely possible to still have emotions and work through the pain w/o involving the input from the other party. I wasn't talking about ignoring what happened and letting past hurt manifest in some way in a future relationship. Take care of the closure for yourself.
silentcharon Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 I spoke to my ex recently- we talked about the relationship we had together, it was not to reconcile or anything. We discussed what we thought went wrong, and I felt that I got closure then, taking what went wrong with me, so I know what not to do in my next relationship with a new man. It really depends on the circumstances and what you are hoping to gain from the closure process- for me, I wanted to know what went wrong and so on, so I know not to repeat my mistakes. It was a nice, neutral conversation, and I felt that I gained more from that conversation than over the months after the break up when I tried to get answers from him. I think closure can only happen when both parties have accepted that it's over and they have moved on.
coaster1026 Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 When I broke up with a boyfriend of 3 yrs once, I had been ready for it, so the break-up conversation itself was enough closure for me. But it wasn't for him. I've also been on the other side of that. Broke up with a guy once, but I saw no closure in sight. "lets be friends" turned into a long 2 more years of playing games with each other. When he finally found someone he loved, that was my closure, cuz I had no choice! So I'd say there is such thing as closure, but more than 1 kind. The ideal kind would be a conversation between both parties, each of which get to say what they want to say, without arguing or hatred, and ending the conversation politely, with both parties satisfied and ok to move on. However: sometimes a conversation like this might go SO well, that it could make one person or even both wonder if they should have broken up to start with. One might start to miss the other quickly. Hence, a game of cat and mouse could start all over; which would completely redefine the conversation as just a conversation, not Closure. If a conversation meant for "closure" turns into an argument or name-calling, as someone here already mentioned, then that is also not closure, but an argument. Sometimes an argument is bad enough that they really never speak to each other again, therefore closure just has to naturally occur within each individual. If enough time goes by and they run into each other, they will either ignore each other or speak in a civil manner...maybe even have a very mature conversation and apologize for what they said X years ago- "delayed closure". In the situation I described above, in which the guy I liked got into a relationship, I would define that as "involuntary closure". If I had the nerve to keep pursuing him at that point, well that would be "stalking". In a situation where 2 people love each other but break up and stay friends, they might sporadically keep in contact over the years and remain civil. Maybe even marry other people, etc; their frienship might start to make their spouses wonder. "Perceived closure with possible future consequences". I also agree that "closure" could be just a made up word and excuse for someone to contact the person they love. There is also Infinite closure, for example, the fact that I could probably type like this forever and even come up with other things to say about this darn word. But that's impossible. Closing out - for now -
Darkwall Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Call me a pessimist but I really don't see the need for it. When someone says they want closure, I think it's only a veiled attempt at reconcilliation. It's partly to do with hopes of reconcilliation but mostly to asks questions and hopefully try to end on a good not. It's important for the dumper and the dumpee to feel forgiveness or to understand what went wrong. Once the dumper has been honest with the dumpee than no contact is necessary and it is up to the dumpee to go through the healing process in order to feel whole again. Keep in mind that the dumper also has to go through the healing process. Sometimes the dumper feels anger for being put in that situation, frustration, sadness and also regret. By realizing the reasons for the breakup both parties can feel whole again.
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