Sention Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Ok all, this is my first time here but I am pretty desperate and dont really know who else to turn to for advice so I am hoping maybe some of you have been here before and know what to do. Its a long read but please be patient My girlfriend and I were together for nearly 4 years. We met at a young age, she was 15 and I was 18. She was my first real everything, as I was hers and we were a perfect match almost right off the bat. I always knew there was something special about her and we were great together. She showed me different sides to me I never even knew existed. I can write on about her forever, but the point is she was the best thing that ever happened to me. In the start of the relationship, I did some rather stupid things as I wasnt really mature enough to understand the consequences of my actions nor was I too deep into the relationship at first. I cheated on her and also lied to her on a few occasions. The problem is, I never told her any of these lies or secrets when it happened... i held it in and figured it was best kept secret. As the relationship got more serious and I started to truly fall in love with her, my conscience didnt let me hold those lies in anymore and I just had to tell her to not only be true to myself, but to her. The fact that it took me a year and a half to tell her and the fact that I always told her I would never do those things to her was what hurt her the most. Her trust for me was completely shattered. We had tried to fix it, and we went on for nearly another year but she was never able to trust me and we were never healthy as we should have been. She had a history of cheating in her family as well so this wasnt easy for her to deal with as she really believed in me and trusted me with everything she had and I broke that trust. Around 3 months ago, she finally asked for a break, although this break turned out to be more of a separation. She has been dating other guys and going out on a regular basis lately while I have stayed home just about every night waiting on her. I know I am the one that messed up and I lost her, so I only feel like its right to sit here and wait for her to decide if she wants me or not. I guess its a way of punishing myself for my actions but at the same time, I worry that if she knows I am here waiting, she wont come back. We have never really played those games of not answering the phone, etc. We remained friends after the break up and talk regularly but this makes it hard for me to know whats going on. I am confused as part of me wants to get her back and fight for her. Sometimes I think if i fight for her she will realize I am truly sorry for my actions and would do anything to have her back. The other part of me though thinks that her mind is made up and theres nothing I can do about it. I have tried to talk to her about reconciling and she has stated that she will not walk backwards and get cheated on again even though I tell her this is not the case. She has called me at times telling me no one she meets matches up to me and she has told me flat out that she cant get over me and thinks of me often so this is why I am so confused. I know I can be the best guy for her and I know I can give her what she needs but I dont know if I will get the chance to do this and its killing me... She tells me she isnt over me and is still in love with me, but she wont get back into the position to be hurt. Should I try and fight for this and convince her somehow I wont hurt her again? Or should I give her space by going no contact and letting her figure out what she wants on her own? I am really in love with her and there isnt a moment im not thinking about her every day. I would definately prefer to fight for her because she is worth it and I cant stand the thought of losing her but I dont know if this is the right action to take. Can someone give me advice and maybe tell me if I should get her back or let her go?
resi71 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 must tell you give her some space.no contact.it did work for me first time,she was gone 2 weeks and then contact to me.now she is gone a month,i did everything what came upto my head.problably made worse.i will waiting now all january hopeing for miracle.just hang one.i know it is so hard
MaxFlirt Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I have a different take. She has never forgiven you for the cheating. Until that happens, all hope is lost. NC won't fix that. It may make it worse. However begging to get her back won't work either. You have to look at this in 2 stages: 1) Forgiveness for your actions - this is not about getting back together 2) Seeing if you can get back together. To get the forgiveness, your best bet is to continually ask for it. Talk about it, appologize, appologize, and then appoligize again. Do whatever it takes. Because without her forgiveness, you'll be crushed and she'll be crushed. The relationship will have a sour taste in her mouth forever. I don't know if you can get it though. See a counselor about it (just a thought), let her know you are doing/did so. Give her the counselor's perspective. My thoughts on it - everyone is vulnerable to this at certain times, even her. In a sense (though not technically), she's cheating now since her heart is still with you (I wouldn't bring this up though). But get her to know how much you really repent. People generally want to fogive others. Strive for that forgiveness. The second part is actually the harder part. You may never get her back. In your case, since you caused the harm, NC just may make her upset w/ u. Be a friend. I think your case is one where NC definately won't win her back. Just be there for her, and continually let her know you're there for her. Never pressure her though. Invite her out, but have no expectations, and make it clear there are none. "Wanna go to dinner?" If she doesn't that's fine too. If she goes on a date with someone else, that's fine. Be OK with it - even if you're not. Just be there for her. It's not about you since you messed with her head, not the other way around. When you're with her, listen, don't talk so much. Show her you're really there for her. Basically build the trust again. Then when the time is right, and you'll know when that is, ask for a reconciliation. If you did #1, it shouldn't be an issue anymore.
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