So many unanswered questions

[PollyPocket]

I have so many questions that my husband refuses to answer. I have asked many times what this other woman looks like. He gave me a brief description. Which isnt good enough for me.

 

I want to know why he feels the need to protect her so much. I thought she was much younger than I but found out she is only a few years younger than I. I thought she was the typical blond air head type. But he slammed back at me she is a brunette and smart and successful.

 

Why cant I get her out of my head?

 

I cant help to feel i know so little about her but, yet she knows so much about me and my family.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

If your husband is truly sorry and regretful, he should be able to tell you everything. It seems like he is defending her! Why? He should be very apologetic and fighting to your marriage.

[JackJack]

Where do things stand at this point for you both? Are you both wanting to try to put things back together in the marriage? If so, counseling is a must. And most of the time to begin the healing process, in counseling, they will tell the one who strayed to tell the spouse everything they want/need to know. He needs to come clean at this point with anything and everything you ask, if its something you want or need to know. if he is not willing to do that, then maybe its time to rethink things.

[PollyPocket]

We decided to make it work for now for the sake of our children. Our marriage has always been about them. We got married only because I was pregnant. I know he has cheated on me before but I never had proof. I also believe this was the only relationship he has had. He isnt apologetic. He defended her at the very moment I found out about the relationship. He is sorry for the kids.

 

 

 

If your husband is truly sorry and regretful, he should be able to tell you everything. It seems like he is defending her! Why? He should be very apologetic and fighting to your marriage.

[PollyPocket]

We are focused on what we believe is best for the children. He will never tell me everything about her. He hasnt to this day. He has even basically admitted to me that he would never tell me about her and to stop asking questions about her.

 

 

Where do things stand at this point for you both? Are you both wanting to try to put things back together in the marriage? If so, counseling is a must. And most of the time to begin the healing process, in counseling, they will tell the one who strayed to tell the spouse everything they want/need to know. He needs to come clean at this point with anything and everything you ask, if its something you want or need to know. if he is not willing to do that, then maybe its time to rethink things.

[JackJack]

We are focused on what we believe is best for the children. He will never tell me everything about her. He hasnt to this day. He has even basically admitted to me that he would never tell me about her and to stop asking questions about her.

 

 

So you feel that staying in an unhealthy situation is whats best for the kids? It might hurt them more in the long run. You all got married because you were pregnant as you stated, theres really no real basis here for you all to stay. The kids are provided with what by you staying? Money, a home, place to sleep, food? And in the mean time they see their parents not getting along or holding resentment towards each other? Anger possibly, arguing maybe? Their dad not communicating with their mom etc.

 

 

Kids learn what they see/hear. They may grow up to think this is how a relationship is suppossed to be, or that its normal behavior. It doesn't sound like he is going to come clean, so if you are staying for the kids anyway, theres probably not much you can do unless you feel its time to get out of the situation.

[PandorasBox]

He hasnt to this day. He has even basically admitted to me that he would never tell me about her and to stop asking questions about her.

 

Of course he wants you to stop asking questions about her. That way he feels he is off the hook and justified in what he has done, not having to talk about it or deal with things. Plus, since you are there for the kids, he knows this so he probably figures he can do or say whatever to you, and you wont doing anything about it. He has got you where he wants you. I would leave him. Never stay for a kids sake. I think sometimes people feel they are doing their kids a favor by staying together, but really it can be more damaging. Just my 2 cents though.

[lorr]

We decided to make it work for now for the sake of our children. Our marriage has always been about them. We got married only because I was pregnant. I know he has cheated on me before but I never had proof. I also believe this was the only relationship he has had. He isnt apologetic. He defended her at the very moment I found out about the relationship. He is sorry for the kids.

 

 

 

This is not a good reason to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids. You even admit getting married, because you were pregnant.

 

Your husband had the gall to enter into a sexual and emotional relationship with OW, and I can guarantee that he was not thinking about you when he was getting it off with her.

The only thing that your husband is sorry for is that you caught him out. Why are you wasting time and energy on a marriage that your husband is not interested in salvaging?And before you say its because of the kids,there are many single parents out there who cope extremely well.

 

IMO you should kick his arse to the kerb

[Freedom Now]

I am one of those single moms lorr is speaking of.

 

Sometimes it is worse to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

 

You deserve better than what you are getting from him.

 

Perhaps if you lay down the law and tell him that he truly attempts at fixing the marriage or he leaves, perhaps he will straighten up and fly right.

 

My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.

 

Peace to you

 

Freedom Now

[Igiveup]

maybe his refusing to talk about it with you is because he wants to put it in the past, forget about it..due to guilt and shame.

But, tell him why you need to know everything.. how he carried on this deception..and of course WHY he did this. I understand your frustration..when given no answers.. we start to make up our own and also start reflecting on ourselves with thoughts like'why aren't I enough for him'. I also have children,and have come to the point where I just don't care anymore,I don't have time or the energy to waste on him..and have decided to put that energy into my kids. but that's just me.. and it's taken me a year to get to this point.

[cotton_panties]

This is not a good reason to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids. You even admit getting married, because you were pregnant.

 

Your husband had the gall to enter into a sexual and emotional relationship with OW, and I can guarantee that he was not thinking about you when he was getting it off with her.

The only thing that your husband is sorry for is that you caught him out. Why are you wasting time and energy on a marriage that your husband is not interested in salvaging?And before you say its because of the kids,there are many single parents out there who cope extremely well.

 

IMO you should kick his arse to the kerb

I agree with ya...kick his butt to the curb where it belongs and quite wasting your energy on this OW, no matter what she'll make you sick so by bother with her...just get your self together with out this loser will ya?

 

and lorr you are making me insane with all the bold type can you please stop for gods sake already.

[PoshPrincess]

PollyPocket, I felt I had to go back and read your past threads after noticing your comments on the OM/OW forum were obviously (and understandably) quite bitter.

 

It is very strange but your situation sounds v much like that of my MM (yes, I am a OW - or should I say WAS - something I'm not proud of but it happened!) or the situation he led me to believe he was in, in any case. (Who knows if what us OW are told is any more truthful than what WSs tell their BSs?) The only difference with your sitch is that you obviously care for your kids. I'm not saying my exMMs W didn't (as I say, who knows what the truth is?) However, I DO know that it was HER who told the kids about his A with me. She showed their teenage daughter text messages from his mobile phone that we had sent each other (and some a little explicit). I, as a mother, personally cannot understand how she could possibly do this. I understand WHY - she was hurting and this was the best way to get at him - through his kids, I just don't get HOW.

 

She telephoned me, only on one occasion, and I denied the A but only because I thought any explanation should come from him, as her husband, not me. I didn't feel it was my place to tell her. I know he fed her some lies, about where we met, my marital status, how he felt about me, etc. He certainly never told her I meant anything to him. Hell, maybe I didn't after all!

 

Polly, I guess what I am trying to say, as I think others have told you, is that we are not the OW in YOUR sitch. I'm not saying we are any different, after all, we all have at least ONE thing in common. Yes, we were stupid enough to fall for the wrong person.

 

I really wish you well in your sitch and hope things improve for you. I do agree with what others have said that it's not necessarily the best thing to stay together for the sake of your kids. And honestly, I am NOT saying that as a jealous OW who didn't get her man (ok, someone else's man)! I left my partner of 8 years - I didn't believe we should stay together for our son - that was exactly what my parents did and made us ALL miserable. It sounds like (correct me if I am wrong here) you both married for the wrong reasons (ie, not necessarily for love). If your husband loves someone else, maybe you should let him go. It may not work out in his favour anyway but do you really want to be with someone not worthy of you? You could meet someone else yourself and be truly happy.

 

It's really sad that you think your son would choose to be with his Dad. I think my exMMs son would have done the same. You may be wrong there, particularly if he knows why Dad is leaving, although I think this is something you SHOULD maybe agree to shelter your kids from, unless of course your H is prepapred to show everyone that he is 'with' this woman. Not sure that would be a good idea initially. Maybe you both need to sit down with your kids and explain to them that although you both love them more than anything, you no longer feel you can live together, you don't hate each other (even if you do!!!) Well, you know what I'm saying.......

 

Just my opinion and I'm more than happy for you to tell me I'm talking s**t or that as a exOW I couldn't possibly understand. I'm sure as hell trying to. One of the reasons I ended things with my MM was because I COULD empathise (I know, too little too late!) with his W and what she'd been through.

 

All the best to you. I'm sure you're strong enough to work things out. Your kids will always be your kids no matter what, and believe it or not, they're pretty resilient, they will get over it, and once they get older and form personal Rs of their own they will understand. Believe me.

 

I don't know if you're able to PM me (or if you would even want to) but as I say, your sitch sounds a lot like the one I was in (from the other side of course) so maybe I could answer some questions for you......?

[NoIDidn't]

Polly

 

There are so many ways to find out the information that you want without your H's input. I understand why you want it. I came across pictures of my H's co-worker in his car and email as she fancied herself a "model". She was pretty. But her posture showed a person that wasn't sure of herself without the applause of the crowd.

 

Why do you want to know what she looks like? This is not an indictment (sp?) of you, just a question that leads to others. Is it because if she is prettier than you, you will leave and move out of the way? If she is ugly will you fight more for your M? Or, you just want to know what the competition is to adjust your game accordingly?

 

I wanted to know what his allure to her was. She didn't look the same in person, but that didn't matter. For me, I just needed to see for myself. And, I saw her and her son in a not so chance meeting at a local convenience store. It didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it infuriated me at my H for me even being silly enough to be there. Not that I didn't go to that store frequently already.

 

I think the issue is more the fact that she knows more about you than you do about her. I don't know what my H's co-worker knew about me or my family. I didn't want to know either as it would have brought out my violent side (dead serious). In the book "Not Just Friends", Shirley Glass talks about the putting walls around the M and closing the windows that the WS let the AP in with.

 

It sounds to me that you two have differing views of what it means to "stay for the kids", too. You seem to feel that it means making the M work for the sake of the family and kids. To him, it seems that he feels that it means staying with you and the kids until they are old enough for him to leave and he doesn't have any work to do with you because he isn't there for you. If that is indeed what he is doing, why are you putting up with it? You want a M, not a roommate. I am in no position to tell you to leave or stay, so I wish you peace and clarity in the journey.

[Romeo Must Die]

 

I DO know that it was HER who told the kids about his A with me. She showed their teenage daughter text messages from his mobile phone that we had sent each other (and some a little explicit). I, as a mother, personally cannot understand how she could possibly do this. I understand WHY - she was hurting and this was the best way to get at him - through his kids, I just don't get HOW.

 

 

Maybe if you could explain WHY you were leaving expicit text messages to her husband and father of her children, then perhaps HOW she could have done it wouldn't even be an issue.

 

I let my son read the OW's D-Day letter to me. Am I a bad mother?

 

It had to be done. Too many lies and conviniences intended to spare his FATHERS dignity and her, erm, reputation. Don't tell your mommy you were here or she will punish you. Lies. Lies Lies. Then she started writing letters to family services and writing graffiti on my son's memorial. My own husband was ignorant enough to risk having our kids around someone who was later investigated for battering her own child. She wasn't too happy that I got her police report either. I read that to my kids, too.

 

[cotton_panties]

Maybe if you could explain WHY you were leaving expicit text messages to her husband and father of her children, then perhaps HOW she could have done it wouldn't even be an issue.

 

I let my son read the OW's D-Day letter to me. Am I a bad mother?

 

It had to be done. Too many lies and conviniences intended to spare his FATHERS dignity and her, erm, reputation. Don't tell your mommy you were here or she will punish you. Lies. Lies Lies. Then she started writing letters to family services and writing graffiti on my son's memorial. My own husband was ignorant enough to risk having our kids around someone who was later investigated for battering her own child. She wasn't too happy that I got her police report either. I read that to my kids, too.

 

I'm afraid it does lady.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm afraid it does lady.

 

I hope you're kidding.

 

Certainly if we're going to make decisions that destroy a kid's family dynamic... we ought to at least be a big enough person to give them the reason why.

 

There seems to be this prevalent attitude that we should boldly lie to our children rather than to give them the truth. It does NOTHING to "shelter" them. It only confuses them. It's like handing them a big box of puzzle pieces with a few missing and asking them to figure out what happened to their family.

 

And in some cases, the kids NEED enough information to keep them safe. In Romeo's case, the OW was an absolute nutcase. Her kids didn't have any business being in the OW's grasp. They needed to know who their friends were.

 

Anyway, this is a big ole' can-o-worms we just went through on another thread... but kids learn about love, marriage, and committment at home. And while I would agree that the information they receive should be age-appropriate and presented without unnecessary bias... they don't learn a damn thing when they've had the wool pulled over their eyes.

[Rooster_DAR]

I hope you're kidding.

 

Certainly if we're going to make decisions that destroy a kid's family dynamic... we ought to at least be a big enough person to give them the reason why.

 

There seems to be this prevalent attitude that we should boldly lie to our children rather than to give them the truth. It does NOTHING to "shelter" them. It only confuses them. It's like handing them a big box of puzzle pieces with a few missing and asking them to figure out what happened to their family.

 

And in some cases, the kids NEED enough information to keep them safe. In Romeo's case, the OW was an absolute nutcase. Her kids didn't have any business being in the OW's grasp. They needed to know who their friends were.

 

Anyway, this is a big ole' can-o-worms we just went through on another thread... but kids learn about love, marriage, and committment at home. And while I would agree that the information they receive should be age-appropriate and presented without unnecessary bias... they don't learn a damn thing when they've had the wool pulled over their eyes.

 

I could not agree more and this topic hit's a note with me. I think children in our country are misled somewhat anyway, they are told things that are not true (Santa Claus, Easter Bunny). I feel we should teach them what life is all about once they are cabable of speaking and interpreting, not give them all this crap about how life is so dandy and easy. If anything they learn maturity and how to handle things better when they get older if they are kept informed. I grew up in a household where I was taught to believe life is easy, and believed in crap like Santa Clause and Easer bunny. I wish my parents would have let me know early in childhood what life was all about, I would have been more prepared when I got into my teens. Cheers!

[Romeo Must Die]

Thanks LJ & Rooster

 

I did my best to keep the children away from that scene, without telling, and I held out for as long as I possibly could just to keep my dignity. But Romeo kept playing his games for whatever reasons he used our children. He lied to them. It was a mind game and it was finally time to end the game for him because he couldn't do it himself. Romeo was too far into the game to be trusted anymore, even with his own kids.

 

He himself could not ignore a police report, the child abuse was in black and white and I put directly in his hands. I took a legal risk to get a hold of it. I risked the WS & OW trying to keep me from going to court to keep OW away from my kids and losing custody of them in the process. Child abuse records are not open to the public to protect the privacy of the child who was abused, but ironicly, doing that also protects the abuser and gives them lisence to do it again to other peoples kids.

 

I feel bad that OW's kids will live a life with mommy in the bars, mommy screwing married men, mommy smashing vehicles, writing annonymous letters and graffiti and mommy beating them and locking them in the basement, but that life will not be my childs life.

 

I can't save OW's kids, but I can save my own and protect them from that without sheltering them. Teaching them to protect themselves when I can't be there and they have to decide for themselves. My kids now refer to that time as being brainwashed. Their own words. They have the information now and they can decide for themselves.

 

And dont think for one minute that the kids dont talk about it in school. They hear it from other peoples kids, overhearing their parents taking about us and it gets back to them in all kids of different ways. Pretty soon they would have to wonder why they couldnt tell mom they were at OW's with dad on his visitation day.

 

The days of OW posing as Daddys friend and pretending she is a wonderful mom to impress him and our children are over with. The affair couldnt stand on it's own two feet without the innocents to manipulate, or keeping me around to take the blame for WS & OW's bad choices in life.

 

Bottom line. My son and daughters will not be raised to accept a cheater and a liar as love.

 

 

[Romeo Must Die]

I'm just leisurely musing affairs with my morning coffee and I'm wondering about a few things. Hope you dont mind polly. The subject went off in this direction but it does have something to do with kids and not staying too. So pay attention.

 

I want to know just what kind of person was OW to think she could have an affair with my husband and get away with things like babysitting for my kids when I was in the hospital having a baby? Does that sound like something a good mother would do?

 

Heres OW. Pretending to be a friend, doing fake favors for you because she is seeing your husband on the sly and she really has it in for you? You want to leave your kids in the care of somebody like that? Because I dont. I dont want my husbands affair partner arranging secret luches at school with my first grader because the kid is too little to understand it. She has no business being at the school. The OW is fourty two years old and she should know better.

 

And Nevermind what it must be like getting involved between a married couple after they just lost a kid in an accident. You know what, I never ONCE tried to ask for any sympathy for that but this woman has crossed many lines, never once minding her boundaries. My children were no exception. My decased child was no exception. You are going to fu*ck my man while I am mourning my son are you that sick out of your head?

 

To me, that's just low.

 

At that point its not just an affair anymore, it's personal.

 

A person like that isnt allowed to judge me what kind of wife I am. They cant judge what I do in bed is none of her business and since she has no respect for that, my kids are off limits to her, too. For that matter. She is sleeping with a married man that alone is a good enough reason not to have my daughters raised in and around this filth.

 

When you mess with other peoples lives and mess with their kids lives, you have just crossed another line of decency my friend. It never occured to me to talk to much less try to manipulate her children. I wouldnt be in her house nor would I fu*ck her man in her own bed. I always confronted this bitch without hesitation or regret. I stand on my own. I think I can do a better job raising my own children than the other woman can. Thanks.

 

This is grandiosity at its worst. The only way you could accomplish to win with this cheating business is by deceit and by sheer stealth. It isnt too hard to manipulate a little kid anymore than it is to fool a BW using her trust and her love for her husband, the one who is supposed to be the center of her universe.

 

[whichwayisup]

I'm afraid it does lady.

 

No, it doesn't at all. By letting her kids read the OW's letter, Romeo was showing her kids WHO the OW really is. The OW manipulated, schemed and had ulterior motives ALL along, so in all honesty, Romeo's kids deserved to know what the OW was all about.

 

I couldn't imagine what R's children felt, must have been an awful situation to be in and have to deal with...

 

Romeo is NOT a bad mother at all and if you go back and read ALL her posts, you'll see she is a good mom.

[cotton_panties]

kids don't have any business in adult affairs, the fact she told the children just says bitter and wants to turn her kids against their father and OW.

 

why? because shes hurt.. the children should be allowed to be children and not have to deal with adult relationship fair..yet she felt the need to do so.

 

I won't go back and read her past posts with your urging,I have seen all I need to. the few post above speak volumes with all the finger pointing and martyr syndrome...she needs to see a councilor fast.

 

no offense RMD but I just don't see you moving on in a better direction and just see you sitting on your haunches seething with anger.

[Romeo Must Die]

Their father and I are together, thank you and the OW is out of the picture. Bye Forever!

 

I'm not playing no victim, make no mistake. I was a victim until I got wise and removed the veil. Then haaha for some reason the OW played the victim. She pulled all these numbers and expected me to not report it or try to keep my kids away from it. You think I'm the crazy one. Thats pretty Cute!!!

 

First and last. These kids are my kids. Dont ever forget that. You want to see me crouching like a mama tiger to protect them is right on.

 

OW think they can just have everything like they were entitled to it.

 

My man, my home, my name and my children. The only way she could get to it was through me.

 

I found protection in the law books that if OW is under investigation for child abuse the WS can and will lose custody of his kids if he has them near her during his visitations. She beats her kid and kicks them downstairs and locks them in to punish them. What part of this are you not getting? She is court ordered to stay away from my kids and my FWS signed it and it is now the order of the court. It's done.

 

If there were a child molester on the street the parents would keep them away from that person. They would warn their kids about the predator and not to take candy, or get in anybodys car etc. etc. Same as you would warn them against running out into the street,

 

FOR A GOOD REASON!

 

I think CP you are caught up in issues with this OW business, as I am and many other people here have been too. I think you're against any BS who dares to stand up for herself, and the BS who wouldnt want her kids around the OW no matter what. Maybe they have their reasons too. It's their children. The OW cant break up their family to split up their lives via stealth and have the nerve to pretend to be their friend. Thats hipocracy.

 

I didnt fight her behind her back. I stood up to her and confronted her. She would not stop until I took legal action. I had to take alot of risks but I wasnt afraid because I didnt do anything wrong. I wasnt the cheater.

 

I think we should remember that it was the OW who stuck her big fat nose in my affairs in the first place. Positioned herself to use my children against me and by her own hand, she lost. End of story.

 

My kids are not owl eyed and abused because I told them who she is. Her own letters tell it in her own words desribe in vivid detail what a whore she is. When they seen the pictures of the graffiti and the notes from her diary (tee hee) they can judge for themselves.

 

They wont lie for their father anymore.

 

They wont be lied ~to~ anymore.

 

They have more heart and more courage at their tender age than their father ever had at 42.

 

My kids are honorable and they wont have anything to do with her.

 

I am honorable and that is what I'll teach my children.

 

[Joe's search]

u know what drives me crazy? its when two people are using a forum to discuss things that they can do in person and they live 5 minutes apart and both have days off and should be together in person instead of on a computer and you know u have to give her the control and the power and hope she isn't abusing that gift

 

i am going to go home and i hope she takes that leap of faith and will go to lunch with me today

 

i know it will not happen - because everytime i suggest that she turns it done but i am not a quitter - lol

 

just a glutton for punishment - lol

[PoshPrincess]

Maybe if you could explain WHY you were leaving expicit text messages to her husband and father of her children, then perhaps HOW she could have done it wouldn't even be an issue.

 

I'm not saying that what I did was write, although in my defence it DOES take two to tango. ExMM and I were BOTH at fault and I wouldn't dream of denying the fact that the kids wouldn't have been put through this if it wasn't for me.

 

I let my son read the OW's D-Day letter to me. Am I a bad mother?

 

I don't think this makes anyone a bad mother and I apologise if that's the way I came across. Neither though do I think that a man or woman who cheats makes them a bad parent (although no doubt many of you will disagree). It just makes them a bad husband/wife.

 

It had to be done. Too many lies and conviniences intended to spare his FATHERS dignity and her, erm, reputation. Don't tell your mommy you were here or she will punish you. Lies. Lies Lies. Then she started writing letters to family services and writing graffiti on my son's memorial. My own husband was ignorant enough to risk having our kids around someone who was later investigated for battering her own child. She wasn't too happy that I got her police report either. I read that to my kids, too.

 

RMD, your sitch sounds far more painful than many others and you did what you did for your own reasons. Reading your past posts I can't believe all the s**t you went through. I do, however, agree with one of the other posters who said that showing the kids letters/texts/emails whatever is a way of making them hate the other parent. I can understand why one would want to do that but at the end of the day, my exMM (and your husband I am assuming) still loved his kids. I personally feel that children should be reassured that no matter what has gone on within the marriage, both parents love and care for them. Of course, the WS has to prove themself after the event and regain everyone's trust and that is never going to be easy.

[Romeo Must Die]

I did what I had to do in a horrible situation. I never really gave up hope for my husband, the dream that we belonged together, and I never made my kids hate their father, either.

 

Since when is being honest with your kids become an abuse issue. And wether I was right or wrong, I was simply removing the perfect illusion. and thats all it was, an illusion, it was a lie.

 

I was the one who was home taking care of them everyday. I wasnt the one out cheating around with another man and saying their dad was a bad father to justify my actions. It was the other way around.

 

My kids arent going to grow up accepting infidelity as normal. My daughters will learn not to be a doormat to any man based on my actions with their father. Not even for their true love. They'll have learned to stand up for themselves and I would have done my job right as their mother.

 

I think lying to them and deceiving them through their hearts does more damage to their sense of self than good.

 

Romeo hurt me in the only way a man can hurt a woman, through her heart and through her kids.