confused75 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I met this guy 2 years ago... We worked together... Actually, he was my boss at the time I met him. But as long as he was my boss, never, not even once he made me understand that he liked me or made me in any way feel uncomfortable. The day after he stopped being my boss, I started receiving his SMSs as to how much he liked me and wanted to get to know me better. Just be friends... He had a girfriend he lived with. I did not feel physically attracted to him, I just liked him for his great personality. We agreed that we would just be friends because it was not fair to anyone if we behaved otherwise... The months passed by. We were just friends... but day after day this attraction and love started building up. We were just so similar. Like a soul connection. I did not expect anything from him. I knew it was not right for the other girl. After we made love for the first time, I left him because I told him that it was not right and that I was hurting and that this would not bring anywhere... After I left him, he told me that he loved me. I was everything he has ever needed. The only womad that really made him feel like himself and the person who opened up his eyes to the world and made him understand that there are women like me out there... Now, it's been 4 months since he told me that he loved me and could not live without me. He even proposed me to marry him!!!! But he still lives with his girlfriend... He had told me initially that he would have closed the relationship with her by end of December. He just needed time because he was weak and did not have enough force to see his girlfriend cry. On the 8th of December, he told me that he told his girlfriend he no longer loved her... That they were not right for each other and that he wanted to move on... But he said that he's girlfriend is not ready to move out. She's crying all the time and he wants a little bit more time to close this story without hurting her too much and by being her friend if this is what she needs to go on with her life... No matter how much I believe he loves me, and strangely, I do believe that he DOES love me because of all the things that he does for me, I am still confused because I feel awful for this girl and because I have a fear that he's not strong enough to end with her.... I started having feelings of suspition: what if he never really told her? but, then again, he never ever lied to me... It seems that he's been always honest with me till now... I still decided to end... I told him that he broke his promise to me and I could not wait. I did not believe he loved me... For 7 days I did not talk to him, see him or respond to him... He came looking for me... He looked for me all this time. He kept telling me that he was honest when he told me that he loved me, that his love was pure and sincere and that he never really loved his girlfriend. That he really wants to be with me and just needs one more month to end with her without hurting her too much because he's too sensible. Cause he's unable to just close the door and kick her out. He wants her to walk out on her own... But he promised that he will close the relationship with her within the month of January (current month), no matter what he needs to do, no matter the cost because he really wants to be with me and does not want to make me suffer any more... he even told me that he will demonstrate to me soon that I am the woman for him... That if this would make me feel better, although it is difficult for him not to see me and not to be with me, I could separate from him temporarily and go on with my life and he'll come to me as soon as he closes his relationship with this girl because he is DOING this - ending his relationship. And that he does not want to lose me for whatever reason in the world. I gave in... But I am asking myself, is it right that I gave him time? What if he's lying to me? What if all this has been a huge, big lie... But then I know that his love cannot be a lie... he's invested so much of his time, care in me... he always thinks of me... he always comes to search for me... he's always there to help with everything I need.... Please help me... I am going crazy... I am sorry for this girl... I never wanted all this to end like this... Shall I trust him? Shall I wait this month? Or shall I just end? Thanks in advance to everybody for listening to my story and providing any feedback that would help me... Confused
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If he really wanted his relationship over, he would completely break up with her and not let things continue. It seems that he is either telling you he's trying to break up with her and really isn't, or he is and he's letting his girlfriend talk him into staying together. The best thing you can do for YOU is walk away now. Let him know that you won't be the other woman in his life and when he's ready (meaning when they've broken up and enough time has gone by) THEN to call you for a real date. Until then, go no contact. If you don't do this, then you will continue to be hurt...He is making promises to you that he can't really keep. Making plans to marry you when he's still with someone else?? That's not cool at all. Good luck and please don't let him talk you into staying with him while he's still got his girlfriend.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If he really truly loves you like he says and like you think he does. He has to break her heart weather he likes it or not. I would just give him an ultimatium. Either that or you call her up and tell her what has been happening and see who he really chooses...
Author confused75 Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 The strange thing is that about 3 weeks ago, I thought I was pregnant... I told him that I was so worried about this... He surprised me... He told me that he was happy because he really wanted us to become a family and that he was looking forward to it... Isn't this strange? Do you still think that he's not trying to break up?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 You can wait the month, what's another month? If he doesn't end it by then, you could end it at that point... Only you know how you feel about the situation and whether you think he is lying...You are the only one who can make this choice...do what you think is best...
peacelove Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If he really truly loves you like he says and like you think he does. He has to break her heart weather he likes it or not. I would just give him an ultimatium. Either that or you call her up and tell her what has been happening and see who he really chooses... I agree with BeenAround. Put your foot down.
Author confused75 Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 I already told him that I am determined. That he does not end his relationship within this January, he is going to say goodbye forever to me because I am not planning to hang around further than that.
Author confused75 Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 I don't know why, but I do know that he loves me... he cannot not love me if he's always there for me... He does not make even a day pass without seeing me even if he needs to drive for 60 miles to come to see me... Ever since he told me that he told his girlfriend that he does not love her and does not want to stay in this relationship, one more strange thing happened. We pass even more time together... as if he no longer feels that he needs to report to anybody. On one side this is hurting me a lot, because I am thinking that I don't want to be in her shoes. If I were her, I'd rather that he tell me that he wants me out of his life NOW. On the other hand, this makes me feel as if something changed... Who thinks I should really wait for other 3 weeks?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 C: You are the one who has to decide this...you have to decide that he is what you want and you are willing to wait three weeks for that... You don't know what's going on between them...maybe she has to find another place to live and has no one she can stay with...I don't know...he should have waited to start a R with you but he didn't so he has to tie up loose ends...if you don't want to wait, don't...it's your choice...
kymberann Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I say give yourself time. Time to either move on or be by yourself and enjoy it now. You also need to give him time to clean up and make things right. I think what people fail to consider is that when they want to end a R with their SO, no matter where they are in the process, someone is bound to get hurt. It's agiven. Prolonging the end of the R just makes it worse for the dumpee. And it is so true, if he really wants to be with you he will make it work! Best
Author confused75 Posted February 5, 2007 Author Posted February 5, 2007 Here I am with my update... I thought maybe many women out there would benefit from this, by knowing that no matter how much he tells you he loves you, you should never believe him. I wonder why we, humans, sometimes fall for lies... as if the lies were the most beautiful words that anyone can tell us. If we could only pay more attention to the actions, the things that others are doing, we'd be stonger and we'd respect more ourselves and don't let anyone deceive us... Here we go... this is what happened to me... The last time I left off, he had asked me for one more month so that he could close his relationship with his live-in girlfriend. One month ended 31st of January. He told me that he had talked to her every day and asked her to move out of his house but she continues staying. She does not seem to be willing to move out. Are you kidding me? I think he's just making fun of me... He said that 2 months ago he told her that he does not love her anymore and is no longer interested in continuing their relationship. Nothing happened. She continued staying with him. Then he promised me that by January he would have ended even if he had to kick her out of his house. One month went by and she's still there. In his house. The truth is that I am starting to think that he just fooled me with all of his promises and words... How can any woman stay in the house of a man that you once loved when he tells you that he does not love you any more and wants to move on without you? How can any woman continue staying in the house of her ex once he tells you that you need to take all your stuff and leave his house? Is something wrong with me? I just don't get it. I asked him to be honest with me but he continues saying the same things. Am I wrong not believing him? All this just looks absurd to me... Then I asked him, if you really love me, I don't care if she remains in YOUR house, move out yourself. I need a proof that you really love me and this is not sufficient any more... Otherwise, I am going to go forward with my life... He replied to me that he did not want to lose me and he'd do anything to be with me. He promised me that if she did not live by the end of February his house, he would move out and find a place to stay in order to start finally our relationship officially. What do you think happened next? 2 days after he told me that he can't do it because it's his house and he does not feel like letting her have it win. That he needs to convince her to leave the house. Fine... But then if you already told your "ex" girlfriend that it's over and she needs to move out, then you'd feel free to date other women? Right? I guess not... Anyway, I no longer understand anything. Last week I asked him to just be friends. He told me that he understood how much he hurt me and he accepts us being friends for now until he resolves his situation, but that he can never be truly my friend because HE WANTS TO STAY WITH ME and that HE WANTS TO MARRY ME. is he sick or what? This is what I decided to do now... I stopped all communications with him. I can't stand this situation any more. I decided that I need to move on WITHOUT HIM. Last Saturday I asked him to tell me honestly that everything he's told me was wrong. That this would at least let me go on with my life without him. He replied with an extremely cold sms: "Ok, then, go on with your life without me. Goodbye!"... I thought that either I am the one not getting it or he's the one playing it all along. So I replied to him: "if letting me go so easily is simpler and more comfortable for you than giving me an assurance of your true feelings, then nothing I thought we ever had ever meant anything or ever was destined to become anything." He did not write me any more that day... That evening I finally came to a conclusion that it was all a lie... One huge lie... And I decided inside my heart that it's time to move on... Sometimes I think of all our moments together. And it hurts remembering how good they felt. How good it felt for us to be together... But then I tell myself and I know that I am right that nothing that we had was ever true because nothing could have ever been real with men like him that lie. Now, I just have one problem. It's been 2 days since I've stopped communicating with him. He keeps writing me messages on my cell. I have not responded to him yesterday and I don't want to respond to him today... But sometimes I wonder and I really need someone to encourage me: Am I doing the right thing? I stopped communicating with him without saying another word. Shall I at least tell him that he should stop writing to me and come look for me ONLY if he really ends his relationship? Or it's not even worth righting these words? What shall I do? Sorry for such a long story and many thanks to all helpful folks out there.
frannie Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 That evening I finally came to a conclusion that it was all a lie... One huge lie... And I decided inside my heart that it's time to move on... Sometimes I think of all our moments together. And it hurts remembering how good they felt. How good it felt for us to be together... But then I tell myself and I know that I am right that nothing that we had was ever true because nothing could have ever been real with men like him that lie. Now, I just have one problem. It's been 2 days since I've stopped communicating with him. He keeps writing me messages on my cell. I have not responded to him yesterday and I don't want to respond to him today... But sometimes I wonder and I really need someone to encourage me: Am I doing the right thing? I stopped communicating with him without saying another word. Shall I at least tell him that he should stop writing to me and come look for me ONLY if he really ends his relationship? Or it's not even worth righting these words? What shall I do? Sorry for such a long story and many thanks to all helpful folks out there. Hello there. I think you've done the right thing. And yes, I think you need to tell him not to contact you again while he's still living with her. But in honesty, a man who is like that may just be too much trouble in the end... only you can decide. But if you have the strength, I'd say end it with him totally, and move on from him. Can you find out how to block his texts, then you won't have to deal with him again?
torranceshipman Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Hey girl, You're doing 100% the right thing - we're in an extremely similar situation...my ex boss and I were friends first then got together, and he gave me all the same promises-we even had a December deadline which he didn't manage to keep to - he asked for more time, so I ended it in Jan and it was quite brutal!-I feel a lot of what you feel...but walking away is 100% the right thing to do - of course it is hard, but you'll feel more control over your life, and it'll give him a big reality check that he needs. I actually believe that he loves you, for sure, but he is immature and very weak, which is why he is unable to follow through on anything (which is btw, exactly what I think is the problem is with my boss). Keep strong and do NOT respond to any of those texts...I have to see my boss every day at work but if I maintain 100% NC out of work, and if I could avoid seeing him completely, I would! I'm sure your guy would be with you in a second if the situation was not so complicated, but it's up to his to get some balls if he ever wants to follow through on his promises (I think its getting some balls, not being in love with you, that is the issue here!). If you stay in his life he'll NEVER move on from the girlfriend - show him he can't have both of you! Good luck girl! And keep posting...
LN99 Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Yeah, it sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. You and then his gf who lives with him. I just wonder exactly what he told her and if he really did try to kick her out! But, making you wait is unfair. I think you waited long enough already. So, I think it's time to find someone who wants to be with you and is serious about it. None of this--stringing you along--B.S. Even though you question it, you really are doing the right thing.
Author confused75 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Posted February 7, 2007 Unfortunately, I gave in... I mean, we work together, I get to see him all the time... In my heart I do know that he loves me... He kept writing to me all Monday and Tuesday apologizing that he knows how much he's hurting me and that he's not lying to me... it's his "ex" that does not want to accept the facts. He told me that he gave her an ultimatum to leave. And that she asked for one month to find a place to go to because she has nowhere to stay right now... He says she's playing with his sensitive side and he can't find the necessary force to kick her out... But that he's very determined and he's tired himself of this situation with his "ex" and he intends to resolve it within next several days even if he has to get her an apartment and pay for it. The truth is that I know that it may actually be true... She may be unable to accept the reality. Although, I can't say for sure what all he's telling her. Anyway, today I woke up feeling a lot of emptiness in my heart. For the first time I feel so indifferent to what the future may bring... I am wondering exactly the same thing you all are saying: whether a person like this is really worth my attention and love... For now we are friends... I mean that he knows that I cannot be with him until and if he ever resolves his situation. He says that he has hurt me a lot and he's happy for us not to make love any more and just be friends until he resolves the problems at home. This is making me feel better somewhat because I feel that I can go on... But on the other hand, even while being friends he keeps telling me how much he really loves me and how he does not intend to lose me in any way. The real problem now is that from this morning I am starting to feel that I am losing all my interest and love for him. On one side I feel relieved because I am no longer attached to him in such an emotional and strong manner. On the other hand, it seems to hurt more... Because I thought to have found the love of my life, my best friend... and in my heart it's all falling apart... At this point, I no longer know what to do. I mean, yesterday, I told him that he had until 5th of March to resolve all the problems with her. And that at that point I would not care any more if she's still in his house or not. That I would call her up and talk to her and explain to her what he failed to explain to her. Strangely enough he did not seem disturbed by this. He smiled and told me: "wise words!" But today I don't feel like it any more... Shall I tell him that I am no longer so sure of my feelings towards him because of all the disappointments that he brought into my life? Or do you think that this will pass? Till now I've always been honest with him. I hope for him as well that he's been honest with me as well regardless whatever happened. I am a strange woman... I seem to easily fall out of love when people hurt me... What shall I do? Thanks a bunch my warm friends for your advice.
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