Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I am having a hard time dealing with a difficult situation, and I was wondering if anyone here could offer some good advice. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a girl that I have an amazing connection with. We have been dating for one year now, and for the last 6 months, it has been long distance. In the summer of '06 she moved 4 hours away because of a job opportunity. Even at that time she felt very stongly that I should be moving down with her, but I was not ready to move, so I stayed in my hometown and opted to do LD. She was not happy about this, but she did it anyway. Over those 6 months, I believe I have made a great effort in making the LDR work. I have made the trip down to see her every week (unless she was up to see me), and we talk on the phone for hours every night. All and all, things have been okay. She does not handle LDR's very well, but she has been sticking through it. So here we are, 6 months later, and she says a decision has to be made. She has told me that I need to come down there, or we will have to break up. She does not want to break up, but all of this not knowing when I will be down there with her is affecting her health, and it has to stop. She loves me deeply, and I love her too. She truly believes I'm "the one". However, she feels that if I'm not willing to compromise and come down with her, then she will have to move on for her own sake. I do understand where she's coming from, but at the same time I still don't know if I'm ready to uproot my whole life yet. And besides that, I'm not sure I want to be living together with someone before I'm married. She is fine with it, but I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with it. Adding to this situation is the fact that all of this is causing a lot of stress and tension between me and my family, and her, and also my friends too. Some people I know think I'm crazy and that I'm being controlled by her. Her friends think she's crazy too, because she is putting up with me not coming down to live with her yet. All in all, it's currently a pretty bad situation. And everyone is waiting for me to say what I'm going to do. But it's very hard for me to choose. I do want to be with her, and I do belive that her and I would have an amazing life together. The love that we have feels so right, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. But at the same time, I feel like I need more time before I can move in with her. I would rather at least be engaged first. But more time is something she is not willing to offer at this point. So I guess what I'd like to get from anyone willing to respond to this post is just some opinions and advice regarding what seems right and/or wrong about this situation. Is she being fair, or is she being selfish? Am I being fair, or am I being selfish? Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Fly My Pretties Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 First of all, what are the practicalities? Is it possible with your job to relocate where she is? Could you field provide enough salary that you don't have to move in with her, ie you could find your own place? If all of this is possible, then I think you should consider the two alternatives very seriously and honestly. Is losing her worth staying in your hometown for a principle? Bear in mind that if it doesn't work out you can always move back. Nothing is concrete and you don't really want to spend your life wondering "What if" do you? Life is an adventure - are you willing to take that risk and have the chance of it being the best decision you ever made, or stay with what is safe and known. As far as you being selfish, no of course not, you have the right to make choices that affect you. But she has rights too, and she has the right to not want to continue in a LDR. It's difficult and I completely understand why she wants more. Finally, it sounds like this is a roundabout way of her wanting more commitment from you - after a year, it's normal to want to know where the relationship is heading. By being so reluctant to take this step, it's a big signal to her that you don't want what she wants out of life. And what she wants is a signal that she is so important to you that you would do this.
bab Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 How would you feel about moving close to her, but getting your own apartment? I agree that an LDR with no definite ending date is unsatisfactory and I don't blame her at all for saying, enough is enough, if there is no end to the LD, then there will be an end to the R. That being said, if you don't want to move, don't. She also has the opportunity to move back.
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 By being so reluctant to take this step, it's a big signal to her that you don't want what she wants out of life. And what she wants is a signal that she is so important to you that you would do this. No offense, but this is complete BS. Her moving 4 hours away and expecting him to just follow is a big signal about the extent to which he means to her. To the OP: No you're not being selfish. She's not asking for a "compromise", she's asking for you to do what she says. A compromise would be finding something that's mutually beneficial. It sounds like you're in for a life of being led around by your balls.
blind_otter Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 No offense, but this is complete BS. Her moving 4 hours away and expecting him to just follow is a big signal about the extent to which he means to her. To the OP: No you're not being selfish. She's not asking for a "compromise", she's asking for you to do what she says. A compromise would be finding something that's mutually beneficial. It sounds like you're in for a life of being led around by your balls. I have to agree with TB. An ultimatum is in no way related to a compromise. If this were a compromise she would be taking your needs into consideration and AFAIK this isn't happening here.
Fly My Pretties Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 No offense, but this is complete BS. Her moving 4 hours away and expecting him to just follow is a big signal about the extent to which he means to her. The key part of what I said was "to her" - this is how it is TO HER. That may not be how anyone else sees it, but that's how she views it. The question is OP, although you may not agree with how she views it, is the relationship worth losing over a principle? Plus, without knowing the details it's hard to know whether she is being unreasonable - specifically, is it easy for you to relocate, but not for her? I was LD for ten months, we now live together. When it came time to do that, I was the one who relocated because I work in admin and can work anywhere. My partner on the other hand works in a highly specialised field and there is only one place in the country where he can work - so there was no option to compromise, if I wanted to make the relationship work and take it to the next level, I was always going to be the one to have to move.
tanbark813 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 The key part of what I said was "to her" - this is how it is TO HER. That may not be how anyone else sees it, but that's how she views it. I'm sure it is but what's important is how they (the OP and his gf as a whole) view it. The question is OP, although you may not agree with how she views it, is the relationship worth losing over a principle? Yeah, how dare he have principles and opinions of his own. What an evil bastard.
Fly My Pretties Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Relationships don't have to be a battle. It's not about each side scoring points, it's about whether this is too big an ask for the OP. If it is, fine - he should move on. But if he knows in his heart that's it's not really a big deal for him to move and he's just avoiding it to "prove a point", he should question whether it's worth losing her over. Sometimes you move further on an issue than your partner does, and sometimes they do the same. A 50/50 compromise doesn't always work. Moving 50% closer to my partner would still have been long distance, and he couldn't have also moved 50% closer because he wouldn't be able to work. Sometimes, one person does all the giving and sometimes the other one does. It doesn't mean you're being led around by the balls, it means you pick your battles.
brightskies Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Fly, Very well said. I'm going to hold onto these little nuggets for myself. Relationships don't have to be a battle. It's not about each side scoring points, it's about whether this is too big an ask for the OP. If it is, fine - he should move on. But if he knows in his heart that's it's not really a big deal for him to move and he's just avoiding it to "prove a point", he should question whether it's worth losing her over. Sometimes you move further on an issue than your partner does, and sometimes they do the same. A 50/50 compromise doesn't always work. Sometimes, one person does all the giving and sometimes the other one does. It doesn't mean you're being led around by the balls, it means you pick your battles. ------------------------- OP, It's understandable how you're torn; picking up and moving away to be with someone is an enormous commitment. How old are you both, and how established are you in your careers? How much easier would it be for her to move back closer to you vs. you moving out closer to her in terms of work, etc.? At this particular juncture in your lives, which one of you has more flexibility? Like Fly said, depending on the circumstances, sometimes the giving isn't always even, but that's ok. As long as you're both determined to maintain and grow the relationship, you have a good chance. But if you both feel that the returns don't justify the investment, then it might be time to reconsider your positions. I'm in a similar situation as yourself, i.e., dating about a year, and I moved away about 9 months into the relationship. We're expecting to be apart for at least 1 year with a maximum of 3 years. One key element that has been very helpful to us is that we had discussed what we both want down the road, i.e., we both know that there's an end point to the length of the LD and when I'm done with school we're aiming to be together in the same city and time zone. We've also started thinking and talking about where we both could live that would be mutually beneficial. Because his career is much more established and locus-centric than mine, it's likely that I'll eventually have to move to accommodate him. In the meantime, because he has more schedule flexibility than I do right now, he has been coming up to visit every month. My new home is a rural area and I've considered staying here more permanently. One big factor that makes me think twice is that my BF can't move up here and find a similar line of work; he would have to completely start over in a different field. Practically and financially speaking, that isn't an option. He prefers that I move back south and live with him, but he is also being supportive: he said that I need to decide for myself what I want to do since I'm trying to work out some major career/lifestyle decisions, whereas he's much more established already. So, there's plenty of negotiation and compromise on both ends, and we keep each other up to date. I think we would be having more trouble if either one of us decided to say, "Do this or else ..." It's important to have limits but how you present them to someone can mean the difference in hitting a brickwall or opening more doors. I hope at least some of this helps and good luck!
UnicornGirl Posted February 3, 2007 Posted February 3, 2007 Wow, it seems like you're really in a tough spot. Personally, I think that she doesn't really MEAN her ultimatum (considering she loves you); rather, I think she needs some validation and security that you can't give her right now for a variety of reasons. Try to give her those things in any way you can, and also I would recommend you give her the respect she deserves by telling her: "OK, this situation really must be painful for you; if you can't deal with waiting longer for me to move to where you are, you can go. I love you, and I want to be together long-distance right now, but I understand that you have been giving so much and it's hard on you. You have to go if that's what will make you happy." A loving message like that would probably do your relationship some good.
Cecelius Posted February 6, 2007 Posted February 6, 2007 Am I the only one who thinks that a 1 year old relationship thats been an LDR for half the time is absolulutely WAY TOO SOON to move in together? OP, to me, moving in with a woman you are not positive about marrying is a bad move no matter what, so factor that in. Also, I second TB - she's given you an ultimatim. For that alone, I would say it's time to walk. Why can't she move back up there? She made a decision to leave, and wants you to fix the issue she caused with her choice, and is giving you a lot of carp for it in the meantime. Take the pressure off. Tell her you're happy to move things along, but that it needs to be equitable.
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