sabine Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 My boyfriend just called me. A very close relative of his is dying, and probably won't live beyond the next few hours. This man has been something of a father figure for my boyfriend. I've never met him, but I can see how important he has been in my boyfriend's life -- to the point that he even wants to pursue the same career as him. My boyfriend has travelled across the country to visit his family and help take care of him at every opportunity since his relative fell ill last year. One of my own close relatives had some very frightening health problems in recent years, and this experience has allowed me to empathize with what my boyfriend has been going through -- at least until now. I have never experienced the death of someone I cared about. Also, my boyfriend isn't scheduled to return from his family's home for two more weeks. I just want to know how to help him and be there for him, even though I can't be with him right now. I've said "I'm sorry," and I am, but it just doesn't feel like enough.
Leykis1o1 Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 i am dealing with somthing similar, and its aproaching..what should we do anyone?
guin_girl Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 my best friend lost her father over Christmas a couple years ago. She said the best thing that I did was just be there for her. I didn't push her about anything, just let her do her thing. She did some odd things that I didn't understand, but it was a way to keep her mind busy... She talked about him alot, a lot of good memories... she wanted to talk about him, don't try to steer the conversation away... she had a hard time dealing with her mom's grief at the same time, so I was her "safe haven". Don't tell them that you know how they feel, you don't, in that each person grieves in their own way. Let them talk when they want and let them stay to themselves when they need it. Don't act different around them, life goes on and they need to know that. I would be afraid to mention anything about my own dad, not wanting to upset her, but she even said, "you don't need to hide your dad or stop yourself from mentioning him... please be normal with me" It's a long journey, but as long as they know that you are there for support, you will be just fine.
VinaAmez Posted January 28, 2007 Posted January 28, 2007 Don't tell them that you know how they feel, you don't, in that each person grieves in their own way. Let them talk when they want and let them stay to themselves when they need it. Don't act different around them, life goes on and they need to know that. I would be afraid to mention anything about my own dad, not wanting to upset her, but she even said, "you don't need to hide your dad or stop yourself from mentioning him... please be normal with me" It's a long journey, but as long as they know that you are there for support, you will be just fine. Good advice.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 My Bf's Dad died last May. We don't live together, but do spend weekends together often. This was the Sunday before Memorial Day and that weekend didn't end until mid August when my kids had to go back to school. I literally lived at his place (small but we managed) because he needed someone there for him. His dad lived on the same 2 and 1/2 acre property, right next door. If you looked out the window or walked out the door, you would normally see his Dad either sitting outside or sitting in the kitchen window looking out. He went back to work after one week off to tend to arrangements for the funeral, but he needed someone to be there for him when he got home as he would see his Dad nearly every day. It was hard for me because my "stuff" was across town, but once a week I would check my mail, see that my place was fine, and gather anything I needed. I'm glad I did it, it brought us closer. As for the time when your BF is away, just listen is what I think is most important. Saying "I'm sorry" meant a lot to me when I lost a baby. It really was enough, even though it doesn't feel like much to say it. It was much better than people ignoring the subject like I hadn't just been through a terrible loss. Let him do most of the talking and be as understanding as possible. That is what most people want, someone to listen so they can sort out their own thoughts.
Curmudgeon Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 Just let him talk if he want to. Not talk when he doesn't. Merely being there for him is the best you can do. Don't push him either way. We all experience and work through grief differently. Take your signals from him.
Craig Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 All of the above plus don't tell him how he might/must feel. Sometimes being there for someone is just that.
princessa Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 After my ex's mom passed away he kind of briefly implied at one point how he was dreading Mother's day.. He actually made a joke about how it won't be in his budget this year (he really doesn't like to show his feelings)... On mother's day I bought him a little stuffed puppy and told him that although his mom couldn't be there to care for him anymore, the rest of us did care for him a lot and would always be there for him. He laughed and started being dorky with the toy.. but something tells me he appreciated it.. I often find myself being extra attentive to him on special days like holidays, birthdays, mother's day, etc.. All of these days have kind of an extra meaning for him now...
detachedartsit Posted January 29, 2007 Posted January 29, 2007 my father passed,after 5 months of herific hospital teatment.at the same time,my mother in law had a stoke(same time when my father had the inital surgery) then my brother in law had his surgery. Oct 10th Steve(brother in law passed) oct 31 my daddy passed... november 27th my mother in law passed also inbetween and right arround those dates,my husbands God son(20 yrs young) died in a car crash,and his co worker(friend)and that freinds wife were killed in a plane crash, I have chronic pain and have things growing in my lungs and on my spine,(2 years and the docs go back and forth with me) ALL THIS BEING SAID....WHEN PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING FROM GREAT LOSS,what the best thing to do it. Be availalble,Be yourself,DONT BE AFARIAD TO KEEP IN CONTACT Many times when a person is mourning they feel like the third cog on a wheel) this can be specialy true for a widow /widower...when all their people have a partner,and then they are the only one single!!! You need to help them stay connected to the(their) usual world. My sister dosent wantto be alone,Yet it tears my heart appart,becasue I am too mourning,not onyfor her husband,but my mother in law,and 5 months of suffering with my father! I was at his side allmost every day,some times 16 hrs!In ICU at RWJ new brunswick and rahway kindred.. and during those months (july 19th) my 10 month old grand daughter got hit with a huge professional FIRE WORKS and was on FIRE..in michigan....3rd degree burns,face,chest,arm hand..... Now as a result f these trageditys,and sadness..... I dont want anyone to touch me... Me and my husband fight.. I have withdrawn,and I dont want sex..,no kisses,even a hug,I feel trapped I didnt before (like this)much but now...I am angry,sad. and disappointed with him not wanting to help me with stuff.He states I have a problem every where..My home is 3 stories 6 bed rooms and basement and a huge detached garrage(4 cars) I am a horder and didnt realize this...really!!! and My anexity gets to monster proportions when I try to make a descison,i feel this is a result of my abandoment as a 10 yr old child and the beatings/abuse as a child and in my first marrage.. YEA I do have majior probems..but I didnt know I horded.But for years I have begged MIKE my husband to pleade help me just sit and talk to me whan I try to get rid of stuff...... :confused: I hate him for that.I am too ill to keep this home.When we moved here from arizona 3 yrs ago,he said oh,if you cant do it..we will move!!! he says stuff just to shut me up...I AM SICK OF IT.... 4 stories if you include the basement!!!! and I have chronick pain depression and he travels alot,he just got back from africa..I have begged my mother,son daughter,sisters....no help....I want out I have no one to talk to,my mother is a drunk.... My sister is mourning..my husband is mourning.. my son and his wife are on their own,and my 15 yr old daughter is suffering so.. SO MORE THEN WHAT MEETS THE EYE IS GOING ON TO THOSE THAT MOURN.AND ANYTHING YOU CAN DO,EVEN MAKE CONTACT AND LISTEN... i might kill myself...i might just go and hide?? I cant kill myself because I have a daughter to take care of,I dont have the luxry of drinking my sadness away,,and I have no support from my husband other than monetary I am sorry for going off the wall...I havent even written my fathers obituary and it is january 29th...he passed oct 31st. I wish I had a friend like you to care about what to do to support.. all that being said.I wanted to start a new thread and cant figure out how.... and if anyone wants to check out some of my art.. www.outsideartist.com maybe there is hope for the condemn:confused: ed i am just venting and giving insight......
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