conflicted_one Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 I posted this in "general relationship" but I don't think that is where it should be. I am hoping I will get responses to this thread. I really need perspective. I've been with my husband (my second husband) for over 5 years. We have been married for 2 years. He is wonderful in every way. We are great together and understand each other. But he is out of the country and has been out of the country on and off for the last 3 1/2 years. This time has been over 7 months and in November I found out there now is no return date. He will be back. I just don't know when. I knew this when I married him - that he must travel for work - and I know his job is very important to him. We don't have any huge marital problems (I can't even think of any small ones) except the distance and it bothers him too. The plan is for things to stay the same while we get a very good financial base for the future. My first husband contacted me almost 2 weeks ago. It has been 11 years since I last spoke to him. It was on and off even after the divorce. We were very young when we married and, although we truly loved each other, we weren't at all ready to be married. He had no realistic goals and was not driven to work or provide in any way. I wanted both of us to be driven and goal oriented so we could work toward a future together. I ended up working my a** off and stressing out over bills, etc. while he seemed to just ignore it. We got divorced because of it. I kept in touch with him for the next 2 years to find out if anything changed. It never did. I finally walked away for good. I told him I am married again. I told him my husband is a very good man, that he loves me, and we have been very happy together. He told me there was a lot he wanted to say to me and I cut him off. When I heard his voice I felt this rush of emotion...happiness, fear, love?, relief...I wanted to grab him and hug him right then. I could see his face in front of me. I could see his eyes and the emotion in them so clearly. I was suddenly transported to the last time I saw him. Like time hadn't passed at all. It was as if flood gates opened and the love I thought I put behind me wasn't anymore. So I told him I couldn't talk and instead gave him my e-mail address to say whatever he had to say. He e-mailed me and he told me that he still loves me. He has this entire time. He has never remarried. He has never had another serious relationship because of me. He wrote about what he is doing now and he is very successful. Basically all of the problems that led to our downfall (mainly financial) he has addressed. He has looked for me every year and knew I could possibly have another family by the time he found me. He wrote that hearing my voice, finally, after all of these years brought tears to his eyes. UGH! That stings! I feel an ache of longing for him - it stings to know he is hurting and that his life has not been happy because of me. Although he didn't say it, I know he wishes we were together. This is really getting to me. I know I am lonely. I know it is the holidays and that is probably magnifying everything I am feeling. But I feel like all of the old feelings have rushed back. He was my first love. My best friend. We shared everything - everything - about how we felt, our pasts, embarrasing moments, etc. But I love the man I am married to. How can I feel so deeply for both and be so conflicted about this? What am I to do?
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 He has never had another serious relationship because of me. What a manipulative line that is. That was HIS choice... DO not get involved with your exhusband. If it was meant to be the first time around you two never would have split up. Problem is, you allowed him to open up to you, when infact the door should have been slammed the minute the ex opened his mouth to blurt out what he felt for you...It's too late now, so it's damage control time. You need to figure out what you want, but please, don't cheat on your husband...If you want the ex, then divorce your husband. Let him be allowed to go on and find a woman who will love only him.
Author conflicted_one Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 I don't plan on cheating on my husband. If it came to anything that serious I would respect him enough to end the relationship first with full disclosure. It is just all of these unresolved feelings. They say you never forget your first love. I NEVER thought this was the case. I thought I had dealt with all of this so long ago. And how do I shove it all back into the box and put it on the shelf? That is what I am struggling with. I answered the phone and there he was. SHOCK. I didn't want to talk - my heart lept into my throat immediately. I was completely honest with him and told him I am remarried. He has not indicated he wants to pursue anything with me except, he did write that he is always going to be there for me - as a friend - if I ever should need anything. That I have somewhere or someone to go to for help with anything as long as he is on this earth. Why has it brought these long ago feeling bubbling to the surface? I did tell my husband I talked to him. He was jealous at first but calmed down and we actually had a great talk about it. My husband is not threatened in any way by it. He seems to think these emotions are not real and they will soon disapate. I am the one who is concerned they won't.
torranceshipman Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 Maybe this is symptomatic of the situation you are in with your current husband? What exactly is the reason for the constant travelling and the no return date? Distance is a huge strain on any relationship - are you sure you are not ignoring the problems here because you dont want to face them, and fixating on this thing with your ex? And its also only natural to value the attention to you are receiving from your ex as you sounds very vulnerable at the moment, being away from your husband over the Christmas period, but make sure you deal with any worries you have over your husband first...if the ex loves you like he says he'll respect whatever you tell him, in terms of you standing back and taking time to assess the situation for yourself.
Author conflicted_one Posted January 3, 2007 Author Posted January 3, 2007 Distance is the only problem I have with my husband. But the distance impacts in so many ways. I can't just talk to him for hours and hours, it is too expensive. And conversations are in a lot of ways slimmed down because of the money factor as well. E-mail is alwyas less personal and tone of voice doesn't come across very well. We both like hearing each other's voice every day but there is so much that goes on day to day where I miss him. Just watching TV can be a reminder of how alone I am sometimes. It is his work that takes him away. He was supposed to be back in February but the man just underneath him was let go. A lot was done that was damaging so it has been put to him to straighten it out, hire someone else, and oversee everything until the business operation is stable again. That could mean 6 months, it could be a year. As I said, I knew this going into the relationship - and the marriage. It is the way it is as far as our plan for our future goes. I am looking at another 2 years of the travel. He will then move to a position here and be here with me permanently. I am lonely. This Christmas was harder than it ever has been and I don't know why. It was hard even before the ex called. As far as the ex goes - he has very much prefaced he is not expecting a change in my situation. He is not expecting anything - not even friendship from me. He said no expectations and that whatever I am comfortable with - no contact - reduced contact - he is fine. He just wanted me to know he has always thought about me and always been in love with me. And that he would be there for me no matter what if I ever needed anything or anyone. Standing back and assessing the situation; well, I don't even know where to begin to do that. I guess that is what I am having a hard time with. I just feel there are 2 complete versions of feelings inside of me at the same time.
puddleofmud Posted January 3, 2007 Posted January 3, 2007 You seem to perhaps be tempted to begin having an emotional affair to relieve your lonliness... If you enter into this things between you and you husband may never be the same! There is a great deal of info re: emotional affairs on this site so you may want to visit that subject. Is it not possible for you to travel / live with your husband overseas? It is to yours and your spouses' credit that you have brought this out into the open--but do you feel that your spouse is disregarding this as to your feelings of lonliness which needs be further discussed? Maybe you could find a good counselor to help you approach your feelings? Best wishes to you and stay strong!
Author conflicted_one Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 No it is not possible for me to travel and live with him overseas. Although I would be near him, the lonliness would be worse. All of my friends and family are here - so I do have people around me. There, he works 12 to 14 hrs a day, so I'd be alone more than I am here (no one to talk to all day, not even by phone because of the expense). My husband does not seem to be disregarding it. I think he is trying harder than ever to reinforce our connection and let me know how much he loves me, etc. He is asking a lot mre questions than usual about little details of the day to day here. He knows about my first husband. Not every single little thing but he knows why and how it ended. It was so long ago and the problems I had with my ex have never been problems between us. He has always felt security because of that. My ex hasn't mentioned getting back together. He says he was fully prepared for me to have moved on and even have a family of my own. It is more like he seems to want to extend friendship and maybe he is looking for closure in some way. ? ? I could be naive but he didn't call me over New Year's or send an e-mail or anything. So he is not trying to look for excuses to contact me either. I guess it would be an emotional affair but it didn't start now. It started many many years ago. They are emotions that are reignited not sought out. If I were to meet someone new it would be no problem. It has been this whole time that I have been with my husband. I am very clear about being married and not even getting into a position where there could be complications. This is a huge awakening in me that these feelings even still exist. It just kind of landed in my lap. Now that all of this is bubbling up to the surface, what do I do? Shove it back down? Get rid of it somehow? How do you reconcile the love and promises you had with someone from so long ago to the love and promises you have to stand by with someone else now?
frannie Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 It just kind of landed in my lap. Now that all of this is bubbling up to the surface, what do I do? Shove it back down? Get rid of it somehow? How do you reconcile the love and promises you had with someone from so long ago to the love and promises you have to stand by with someone else now? How about thinking of it this way: those feelings are there... but do they need to cause a problem..? You love your husband and want to be married to him. You have no intention of having an affair. As long as you keep your head on your shoulders and are honest with your husband and your ex, you can deal with this I think. There are three issues that seemed important to me: First one is the 'sting of longing' for the ex. You need to deal with that by remembering all the reasons you split, and by not focusing on all those things that he appears to have fixed since then. There are probably lots of other things that would be wrong between you, and anyway... you're happily (more or less) married now. Have a look at all those regrets and long-lost love feelings and don't push them away... examine them and work through them... they're probably regrets you have about life in general, rather than anything to do with this man..? Secondly, your current loneliness... this is probably the thing you need to fix most. You have a lot of friends and family, but it's a real problem being in a long-distance relationship. Find ways of fixing it. Holidays with your husband..? Writing letters rather than emails..? Focus on this rather than leaving this hole that your ex can worm his way into... Thirdly, guilt that your ex has had a bad life. Well, that's his problem not yours. Knock this one on the head right now. If he's coming on strong about how much he's changed and how he's pined for you blah blah that's just not on. You're married now and he should respect that you've moved on and made a life without him... he has missed the boat. And while that may be a bit tragic (or not) there's nothing you can do to help that... certainly not getting emotionally involved with him out of guilt and a surplus of affection that you can't currently lavish on your absent husband. Anyway... keep thrashing out the feelings and don't be afraid or confused by them. It doesn't mean you made the wrong choice... don't get bogged down in regrets and indecision. Best of luck.
Guest Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 If you want somthing it just doesnt come to you because its "meant to be" how lame....you have to work at it.....maybe i should just stay home...and if it is meant to be my bills will be paid......geeesh....not saying you should go back to this guy and leave your husband, but make a choice and work at it. dont wait for "meant to be" .....if its meant to be...ill not see that line again...lol
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