Mollyanna Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Intopieces: D was a player for many years, then he was with the same girl for 13 years, then he was another girl for a year. Now he says he has "done his time" and needs to be free for a while. So he is either commitphobic or turning back to his player days or having some sort of Pre-40 crisis. THe girl he spent New Year's Eve with is only 22... How can I compete with that? (not to mention I was 9 1/2 hours away at the time!) well regardless if they are players or commitmentphobes or just plain asses, we aren't getting our needs met and we need to move on. I just know it will take me a while. I have been through this with him oh what 3 times now, each time bringing me back to the board because I didn't listen to the LSers' good advice. I'm stubborn that way... gotta learn everything the hard way. Hope you do better than I have. I think I am a hopeless case with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading this thread. Bravo! Link to post Share on other sites
SuziwithaQ Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 I'm new here. I've been searching for some help for exactly this problem and although I am not ready to completely let go, my head tells me you guys have the answer. Mollyanna and Intopieces I think I have a triplet to add to this mix. My guy is doing exactly this to me but we have been together 2-1/2 years. 1-1/2 LD and 1 year in the same city. I keep hanging on to every bit of hope. "I love you so much and if I was ready for committment it would be you. I know I'm f'd up--I have issues. I enjoy being single and not answering to anyone and I know it isn't fair to you." For now we have settled on seeing each other and other people but it hurts. I could go on for hours about how charming, funny, attractive, etc. he is. How he makes me feel like I am the only person in the world when we're together. But when we aren't, I become an afterthought. I know what the answers are....I just needed to get them out. You are all very smart and I am learning I'm not alone in this crazy situation I'm in. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 OH Suzie - those are words right out of my D's mouth! Where DO they get this bull****? And how long do we put up with it? I have been going through this since March. One minute we are exclusive, the next thing I know he wants to see other people too. I even know their names, where they live, their ages, their family situations, and many other details about them. He tells me BEFORE they get together. He never lies to me. But night after night I cry myself to sleep and have layed on my bathroom floor in a sobbing mess because I knew he was with another girl at that exact moment and it was killing me. He loves me. I know he does. But YES, he is messed up and needs all this attention right now and one woman just isn't enough. I have tried dating other people. I have tried just being friends with him. I only lasted 4 days at NC, though I have attempted it many times... Now I am moving to get away from him - but guess what? He might move to the same place I am going! I hate to say this - but I think the only way I will be able to let go is if I meet someone better. Because I have never felt so close to any other person in my life - not even my family or friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SuziwithaQ Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Oh Mollyanna I am so with you girl. I know about the "others" too and he always tells me they meant nothing to him. I waited 2 years to hear I love you from him--when he told me it was such sweet ecstasy--I never thought I could be so happy. Without going into details, a fluke physical problem set us back and he became withdrawn and distant soon after. He tells me that he would like to find out why he is being this way, and I believe him, but I also know that he is unwilling to change right now. Sometimes I wonder if NC would be beneficial to our relationship--and if it isn't, at least I will allow myself to really move on. I love R so much but his actions are causing me so much pain. I'm in a new city with few friends and few interests. Thank you for being here to share with me. It is comforting to know that other people are experiencing this too. Your last sentence struck a chord with me "I hate to say this - but I think the only way I will be able to let go is if I meet someone better. Because I have never felt so close to any other person in my life - not even my family or friends." I am the type of person that only truly heals when I have someone else to be excited about. But it gets hard meeting new people as I get older.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I only knew about 4 people where I lived when I met D. I had just moved there a few months before, had spent a lot of time alone. He took me in, introduced me to all his friends, wanted to spend everyday with me. At first it was even too much for ME. Then just when I let my guard down and became really attached to him, he said he wanted to see other people. We have went back and forth with this so many times. I have been out of state visiting family for the last 3 weeks so I haven't seen him. I thought the time apart would help me to adjust but I just miss him more. We just talked on the phone a few minutes ago, but he was in the middle of watching a football game and asked me if we could talk more tomorrow. I understand it is a big game he has been looking forward to, but I have so much I need to say. When I heard his voice, I chickened out though and just talked about trivial stuff. We had both planned on moving to NC, and neither of us want to give that up. We have spent a lot of time there together and both of us fell in love wtih the area. He just told me he is definitely going. And I know I am going. This is going to get weird. Link to post Share on other sites
SuziwithaQ Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I only knew about 4 people where I lived when I met D. I had just moved there a few months before, had spent a lot of time alone. He took me in, introduced me to all his friends, wanted to spend everyday with me. At first it was even too much for ME. Then just when I let my guard down and became really attached to him, he said he wanted to see other people. We have went back and forth with this so many times. I have been out of state visiting family for the last 3 weeks so I haven't seen him. I thought the time apart would help me to adjust but I just miss him more. We just talked on the phone a few minutes ago, but he was in the middle of watching a football game and asked me if we could talk more tomorrow. I understand it is a big game he has been looking forward to, but I have so much I need to say. When I heard his voice, I chickened out though and just talked about trivial stuff. We had both planned on moving to NC, and neither of us want to give that up. We have spent a lot of time there together and both of us fell in love wtih the area. He just told me he is definitely going. And I know I am going. This is going to get weird. Mollyanna, I wish you the best of luck with the move. Search your heart and soul to make sure this is truly the right decision for you. I wish I had enough posts that I could PM you. We have so much in common! Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Wow, this is so weird. Its like we are all going through the exact same thing, although mines was much muchshorter than the rest it seems. But its like whenever i say I'm not going to make contact or im going to start moving on...HE CALLS. He calls and talks about his others, I also know their whole background and everything and have to deal with him telling me how much he thinks he's really falling for them...all of them. Of course that's always followed by the, I still love you and am here for you blah blah blah. And Molly, why am I also in your situation? When we were still a couple, we were planningon moving to a mutual city. We both applied to grad school there and look like we both may be moving there. He made a room mate offer. I think that would be torture of the highest degree...but I can't bring myself to say no. I dont think I can be helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Nd what I don't understnd about myself is..while my CP ex is going on and on about his new love(s)...I don't know why I don't stop him dead in the middle and say "I DONT CARE". Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Wow, this is so weird. Its like we are all going through the exact same thing, although mines was much muchshorter than the rest it seems. But its like whenever i say I'm not going to make contact or im going to start moving on...HE CALLS. He calls and talks about his others, I also know their whole background and everything and have to deal with him telling me how much he thinks he's really falling for them...all of them. Of course that's always followed by the, I still love you and am here for you blah blah blah. And Molly, why am I also in your situation? When we were still a couple, we were planningon moving to a mutual city. We both applied to grad school there and look like we both may be moving there. He made a room mate offer. I think that would be torture of the highest degree...but I can't bring myself to say no. I dont think I can be helped. Lady, get a grip! You can't be serious! You are not a helpless child just being carried away in the current. Find your balls and stop hanging on to this guy. Do you really want to be on LS a year or two from now talking about how in love you are with your roommate, but he keeps bring home woman after woman after woman? Go out and have fun, make friends, meet people. Meet a real guy who can actually have a relationship with you. Why are you settling for this crap? Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 YOu know Nora, I was under the impression that this place was for people that are either currently hurt and confused or have been hurt and confused. I'm admittedly hurt and confused right now and I know things are wrong with my situation. That's why I came here, to help clear up some of the confusion. I didn't come here to be attacked for being stuck in a confusion. You're not in my situation so please don't judge me. I've taken the meaninful advice from this site and am working very hard to clear my mind and move on. From what I've learned on this site, its not an overnight thing so please don't act like I'm just supposed to snap out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I don't think NJ is trying to be mean. It's just tough love. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 YOu know Nora, I was under the impression that this place was for people that are either currently hurt and confused or have been hurt and confused. I'm admittedly hurt and confused right now and I know things are wrong with my situation. That's why I came here, to help clear up some of the confusion. I didn't come here to be attacked for being stuck in a confusion. You're not in my situation so please don't judge me. I've taken the meaninful advice from this site and am working very hard to clear my mind and move on. From what I've learned on this site, its not an overnight thing so please don't act like I'm just supposed to snap out of it. I was not attacking you - just trying to help you see the folly of continuing on the path you are on. If you're actually sitting there and applying to grad schools and considering moving in with him and saying that you can't bring yourself to say no and that you don't think it can be helped...I don't think saying something like, "Oh, well, cross that bridge when you come to it" is going to be a bit helpful to you. Yes, LS is a great place to get sympathy and support, but at the end of the day, it is YOU who have to actually make some changes in order to change your situation. You say you're taking meaningful advice here, but you're still talking to him whenever he calls. Have you done anything differently from when you first started posting? Or are things escalating with this guy and you're making no move to change anything? Tough love is just that - tough. You have to do the tough things sometimes, unless you want to waste years of your life on things that "can't be helped". You start thinking that way - it can't be helped - and you will of course get sucked in. But, I will refrain from posting on your thread anymore, since I have upset you. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Just wondering how all the women on this thread are doing with their CP exes. I could add to your list, but I'm not sure I need to bother. lol It sucks, it hurts, I'm trying to move on. Just wondering if everyone is doing better.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I would love to know that too! Please everyone update! Ariawoman and I are currently reading a book called "Men Who Can't Love: How to recognize a commitment phobic man before he breaks your heart". Someone on LS mentioned it and I bought it online a couple weeks ago and stayed up all night reading it. I am now reading it again! I think you guys will find some similar situations going on in that book... Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Hi Aria and Mollyanna, I've read that book too (or one of the other books, I'm not 100% sure) and wasn't too impressed by it. I think all the answers we need to know are already in front of us. I broke the "friendship" with my ex - he self admits "to be uncapable to be in LTRs". But still wants to be friends, friends with benefits, whatever. I am freaking hurt and mad (still). Mr. "marriage" (his call). I wasn't even freaking looking to get married. I was looking for a stable, sustainable meaningful relationship, soulmate type of thing. So he chooses he can't be in a relationship with me, I choose I can't be his friend. So it's a done deal. He thinks we will eventually get back together (as friends) - so his "instinct" is telling him (he had the nerve to tell me that when I had the "no friendship" talk). Over my dead body! I am soooooooooooooooooooooo m.a.d.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mollyanna Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 I think you are a few hours ahead of me Magnolia. I think I am about to have that talk this evening. I have become increasingly frustrated with D and his inability to think about anyone other than himself. he has done and said so many things lately that are inconsistant. pulling me in, and then pushing me away. i am exhausted. Link to post Share on other sites
MagnoliaJane Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 Mollyanna, If you feel you can't make the final cut now, how about looking for an option in between? Something like: "Hi D. I'm exhausted and confused and need time to be by myself. I can't be your friend right now, so I need to be by myself for x amount of time. Perhaps I can be your friend later" If he tries to pull you back in, repeat "I am not capable of being a good friend to you right now. I need to be by myself". Keep repeating that until the record is broken. Yes, it is scary to be on your own, as in a.l.o.n.e. I am in NYC with not even my cats around me. My parents and life-long friends are on the other side of the ocean, and so are my cats. I'm 38 and good looking and not stupid, I work as a post-doc. So Mollyanna, you're not alone. Just take a first step. After that, every other step will become easier in time. Don't expect that you will magically feel better, there's still a lot of hard work ahead. But you have a choice: be miserable with him and without self-esteem or be miserable (for now) without him but with self-esteem. What's it going to be: him or you? Happiness is the same as love. It's a verb, not a state of being that comes falling from the sky. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Examine what your getting out of your relationship with a commitment phobe. Its exciting. The lack of intimacy may be safe and familiar for you. There are many possible reasons of why. Look at how your life experiences have affected the way you feel love in a relationship. Then realize that the problem is yours. This is the kind of men you like. What are you going to do about it? Drift along, waiting for him to change, possibly losing years or complicating the situation with children or who knows what? Hey, he could still marry you, what would that be like, knowing how he treats you? Or you could take control of your life and end the relationship for good. No contact. The pain is no longer worth the pleasure. There are other exciting men out there that are emotionally available and capable of commitment but how are you going to be open to it if you are waiting for the excitement of his next return? Much easier said than done. I am in the same boat too. It all sounds good. Actually ending the relationship forever, yikes! Good luck with your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 If this was your daughter or best friend what would you tell her to do? Link to post Share on other sites
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