norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Ok, I just read your other threads. WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING WITH THIS GUY???? You had a long distance relationship with him for about 2 months, only met up with him in person ONCE. He came on strong from the beginning and started talking about marriage and moving BEFORE HE EVEN MET YOU. Then, when you did finally see each other, you had sex, and you say it was great EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HIS MOTHER THE WHOLE TIME. Then, after your sex weekend, he started getting more distant until he dumped you about a week later. Why are you friends with him? Why do you feel it's necessary to talk with him? Why are you trying to "fix" him, whatever his problem is? Why are you giving him the benefit of the doubt when he hasn't shown you any reason to deserve it? You said you were 23 and had never been in a serious relationship. Well, THIS certainly isn't a serious relationship, and it most certainly isn't good for you. You don't owe him anything, and you don't need to continue talking with someone who needs his head examined. Why are you wasting your time, energy, thought and feelings on him?
miss snoopy Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I agree with what others have said. Maybe my story will strike a chord... Before, during and after my relationship with the ex who brought me to LS, he emailed his ex-before-me ("Jane") regularly. Like your ex, he also fitted the commitmentphobe profile to a tee. Unlike yours, he never told her about me - they had a mostly LDR (with monthly meets) and when they broke up he told her just how much he loved her, how she was different from every other girl, how she was irreplaceable and how in pain he was... then started sleeping with someone else a fortnight later, boasting about this to his mates. He also never appeared depressed about the break-up to his mates - relief was the word he always used. Fastforward a year... we start dating. Everything was hunkydory until for reasons which I've explained in my previous posts I began to get uneasy about it all. I cracked his email password (I know I shouldn't have) and his emails gave me such a great insight into his life and mind. Basically you're in the same position as his ex, Jane - going on 2 years post break-up, she's still very much in love with him. He certainly is not in love with her, and I doubt if he ever was, to be honest. The reason he still keeps in touch with her is because he wants to "keep her open, just in case"... honestly, he said exactly this to someone. She's his reserve, his back-up, and she's also very useful for regular ego boost sessions, when he's been rejected or feeling unappreciated. Whenever we fought he ran to her with loveydovey emails - for reassurance that she was still "there". They don't actually see each other (different countries) which makes it even better for him! We're not speaking as he has convinced himself I'm "crazy", but deep down I believe he knows I will not be a reserve "friend" in the way Jane is as I'm too smart for that. She takes everything he says at face value, never questions, constantly supports, even though when she reaches out to him with a real problem he pretends he cares but quickly goes on to boast about his great life (without her) under the guise of friendship.. I no longer snoop in his mails - I am moving on and I now know enough. But I hope my insight will not only help me, but help others avoid these sort of men like the plague. The short answer - stop all contact. Even if it means blocking him on IM.
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 Okay Nora, there are many reasons it still hurts. Yeah, I know we were only together for a short period of time and only met once (and there was only one weird sexual encounter during that period), but the communication we shared up until the end was very intense and strong. When someone comes out of the blue and sweeps you off your feet and goes out of their way to win your heart its so hard to shake. I know it ended badly, but it still hurts that someone who showe dyou so much love can just walk away right after being with you. I know it sounds pathetic and crazy and everything else, but its just how I feel. Coming to this place has given me a great insight into the situation and all I have to do is build up the strength to block him at all cost. I just want to know why he is playing with my mind like he is. But maybe I don't need to know the answer, just accept that he is and move on quickly.
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Okay Nora, there are many reasons it still hurts. Yeah, I know we were only together for a short period of time and only met once (and there was only one weird sexual encounter during that period), but the communication we shared up until the end was very intense and strong. When someone comes out of the blue and sweeps you off your feet and goes out of their way to win your heart its so hard to shake. I know it ended badly, but it still hurts that someone who showe dyou so much love can just walk away right after being with you. I know it sounds pathetic and crazy and everything else, but its just how I feel. Coming to this place has given me a great insight into the situation and all I have to do is build up the strength to block him at all cost. I just want to know why he is playing with my mind like he is. But maybe I don't need to know the answer, just accept that he is and move on quickly. You have to take better care of your heart than this - a guy who sweeps you off your feet so quickly and before even one meeting...why was it so easy for you to buy into that? I wouldn't believe for a second that it was LOVE. And I'd laugh at any guy who told me he loved me after such a short time and before having even met me. Love takes time to develop, and you have to know each other under all kinds of circumstances before you know your relationship is based on real love. What he fed you were a bunch of lines that work for him to get girls. You were infatuated with all the attention and enjoyed being admired, and got caught up in the daydream of true luv... He can walk away so easily because it wasn't LOVE. But you have to be careful in giving guys way too much credit before they've done anything to earn your trust.
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 and you're right Nora, I totally agree with you. I was someone not looking for anything serious and someone came out of nowhere and scooped me up. And what's sad is that he has a long long history of doing the same thing to people and I was just one of those people. I mean...he's already telling me that someone hes only known for a few weeks is the girl he wants to settledown with. I wonder if he actually believes it himself. You live and learn and I've learned alot. I just have to apply it.
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 I'm curious why you don't have any anger toward this guy? Anger is a good place to be for a while - that's what gets you to delete his numbers, his email, and block him on IM. Anger gets you beyond your disappointment and hurt feelings until you can move on to forgetting him altogether. You don't DESERVE to be treated like that! Find your anger and feel it for a little while. You should be angry, it will give you strength.
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 I guess I can't seem to be angry because, as someone pointed out earlier, he came up with a reason (commitment phobia) which kind of took personal accountability away from him. I tried being angry, but he came off as so sorry and caring and everything else that it was just really hard to be mad.
norajane Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Look - regardless of whether he's phobic or not - that doesn't excuse his behavior. Just because someone is an alcoholic and isn't able to control his drinking, for example, doesn't excuse him for his behavior if he chooses to get behind the wheel of a car and accidentally kills someone. That person is just as dead, and maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive the alcoholic because of his illness, but he still needs to be held accountable for his actions. Hold this guy accountable for leading you on. If you think he is phobic, hold him accountable for allowing himself to hurt you - HE KNOWS he hurts women all the time, so he should stay away from women and get some professional help. Since he won't do that, then he is choosing to continue hurting people, just like he chose to hurt you. He KNEW he would hurt you and did it anyway.
miss snoopy Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 One of the things I did was constantly ask - why? And that kept me hanging on. Just accept you will never get the answer you want as he probably doesn't even know himself. As I said, I got a great insight into my ex via his emails but even that wasn't enough to tell me why he acted the way he did. You have to keep telling yourself this guy isn't good for you. Can you see yourself as his "friend" in 2, 5 years time? Unless you have moved on and have zero romantic feelings for him the friendship is never going to work. He created a fantasy and that's what he fell in love with, which is why he walked away so easily as it wasn't based on reality.
miss snoopy Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 Look - regardless of whether he's phobic or not - that doesn't excuse his behavior. Just because someone is an alcoholic and isn't able to control his drinking, for example, doesn't excuse him for his behavior if he chooses to get behind the wheel of a car and accidentally kills someone. That person is just as dead, and maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive the alcoholic because of his illness, but he still needs to be held accountable for his actions. Hold this guy accountable for leading you on. If you think he is phobic, hold him accountable for allowing himself to hurt you - HE KNOWS he hurts women all the time, so he should stay away from women and get some professional help. Since he won't do that, then he is choosing to continue hurting people, just like he chose to hurt you. He KNEW he would hurt you and did it anyway. Very good analogy Norajane - I shall remember this when I'm in a forgiving mood with my ex!
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 I mean, this is a good site. At first I was kind of crushed to hear what everyoe had to say...but now I can't even deny it. You guys are right. I'ma fool for ever believing any of that man's lies and for still continuing to be apart of his game. It all seemed a little fast but felt so right at the time and he had so much charm that I even overlooked all of the red flags. I will find the strength to get him out of my life and move forward. Thank you all who have answered anything on this discussion.
Mollyanna Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 IntoPieces: You are not a fool. He has had a lot of practice and is very good at being a player. He knows exactly what buttons to push on a woman. One thing I keep reminding myself (and maybe this will help you) is this: everything he did that I loved, everyting that made me feel so special and addicted to him - it is an act. It is a gig he has performed with woman after woman and has perfected it to a science. Suddenly I don't feel so special when he does it. When he called today and acted all caring and called me "peanut" and "sweetie", I got mad.
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 I know hes practiced and perfected his technique and that eases the pain of being a fool just a little. But I feel like I should have seen every line he used for what it was really worth. Instead of finding his cheesy lines laughable and phony as I do now, I found them bold, sincere, and intense. Even reading back over some of my old post here...I can't believe I didnt see right through it and continue to be strung along. And on a side note, this new girl hes found that is his one....she is also long distance from him which really doesn't give me much hope for that relationship. So in a few weeks or months...she'll probably be on here saying the same things im saying. It's sad.
miss snoopy Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 How come his relationships are LDR? Is this just him deliberately creating distance from the outset, or does he live in Saturn? Don't beat yourself up for falling for his charm, it happens to almost everyone, not just in relationships - job interviews, buying stuff from salespeople, etc. The important thing is you know now. And you're not pregnant with his child, you don't have an expensive joint mortgage to service alone, you haven't moved continents to be with him. So consider yourself very lucky indeed!
Author intopieces Posted January 4, 2007 Author Posted January 4, 2007 I don't recall him saying many of his relationships were long distance. I know he has been in bunch where the women travel alot. I know with me we met randomly over the internet in a situation that had nothing to do with dating or anything which is why he took me by surprise. I know this latest one, she is a student in another state but her family lives where he is and he claims that her visiting during vacations is whats gonna keep it going.
chryssy83 Posted January 4, 2007 Posted January 4, 2007 So he doesn't plan on going to see her? I think you need to get angry with this fellow and then move on. Let him call you the next time and then tell him you're never going to talk to him again so you feel like you have control over the situation. And I agree that you aren't a fool at all. Just normal like the rest of us!
Mollyanna Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 From a guy's point of view it doesn't sound like he's a commitment-phobe. It sounds like he likes you enough to hang out and have sex with you but not enough to be in a relationship with you. You said yourself he admits to being a player back in the day. And good players know how to get what they want without coming across as complete jerks (otherwise they wouldn't be players). The "commitment phobia" just sounds like a convenient excuse that he knows you'll buy into. It has the added bonus of subtly deflecting the blame from him to being part of this abstract phobia, thus making it harder for you to hate him personally since your natural reaction then turns to being one of wanting to "help" him. I need to put this on my wall
Author intopieces Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 I know Molly, thats probably the thing that really helped me heal. And after three days of no contact, he called me last night just to say goodnight. It almost felt good to hear for some reason, but I knew I couldnt let that suck me back in.
Mollyanna Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 What is hard for me to swallow though is this: I have directly asked D if it was just me he wasn't really into. He said if he was going to be with anybody right now, it would be me. But right now he is just not ready to commit to anyone. He wants to get his life in order first and not drag me down with him. I fall for it hook, line, and sinker (over and over again). Then I read what TanBark wrote and think "come on Molly, you are being a doormat". Intopieces, at least you didn't call him. I have told D at least 3 times this week that I never want to talk to him again. But it never lasts.
Author intopieces Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 Molly, I think we really are talking about the same person LOL. I havent told my ex that I dont want to speak to him (because apart of me still does) but I'm weening myself off of contacting him. Its just so hard because he still says sweet things to me on the phone and really seems concerned about my well-being post break-up. But after Tanbark's message as well as your story Molly, Im starting to become aware that alot of it may just be string along BS.
Mollyanna Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 well he has a twin down here in Florida! They sound VERY similar. How old is your commitmentphobe? mine is 37
Author intopieces Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 wow, at 37 and still having issues with commitment??? My CP or ex CP rather, is only 24. I really hope he finds somebody to make him happy by 37. Actually, i hope I can find somebody by 37, forget about him.
norajane Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 He's 24????!!! Oh, sweets, he's not even old enough to have a clue about being a commitment phobe! Tanbark is right - he's just a player.
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